Philia: Friendship Love And Why It's Beneficial

When most people hear the word “love,” they may instantly think of romantic relationships. However, there can be many types of love, and perhaps one of the most overlooked may be philia, which generally refers to love between friends. This type of love can be vital, even if you’re in a happy romantic relationship. Different types of love can fulfill different needs in your life. A healthy friendship generally involves empathy, compassion, honesty, and independence. For professional help with challenges regarding friendships and relationships, consider scheduling an in-person or online session with a licensed therapist.

What is philia?

Types of philia friendships

According to Aristotle, there may be three main types of friendships. These types are believed to have been established based on the potential benefits of the relationship.

Useful friendships

This can refer to being friends with someone because of the potential for the friendship to lead to something that you desire, such as a job, business contact, or another benefit.

Pleasurable friendships

This type of friendship is normally based on simple pleasure and enjoyment. This could include hanging out and talking with your friends or going out for drinks, for example.

Virtuous friendships

This may refer to a type of friendship based on true emotional intimacy and not what one person may be getting out of the relationship. It is usually marked by a deeper connection and regard for the other person’s well-being. This type of friendship tends to be more likely to involve philia than the other types.

Philia’s role in relationships: Tips for deepening friendships

Healthy friendships can be an important part of life, and philia can be beneficial for your mental health. Even if you’re in a fulfilling romantic relationship, it can still be vital to have friendships, as it’s generally unrealistic and unhealthy to expect your partner to satisfy all your needs. As a lighthearted example, if you love going shopping, but your significant other doesn’t, then this may be a good opportunity for you to spend some quality time with friends who also enjoy this activity.

Philia’s influence on emotional well-being

Real friends can be valuable because they typically provide you with a safe place to be yourself. Genuine, caring friends will not usually judge you or look down on you for your imperfections, and they may not be afraid to call you out on bad behavior either. However, this type of friendship, which likely involves philia, isn’t always easy to find. 

Consider these strategies for building a healthy friendship:

Find a healthy balance 

It’s generally not a healthy relationship if one person is always gaining from the relationship and the other person is constantly giving. Often, people who have low self-esteem find themselves in relationships where they end up seeming like doormats. They may constantly do things for the other person without getting much in return. In general, this is not a healthy form of friendship. It can be crucial to find a healthy balance between give and take so that both friends have opportunities to benefit and help each other.

Exercise empathy and compassion

Compassion can be an important part of friendship. A good friend is usually someone who will stay alongside you when you’re going through a difficult time. Even if they don’t understand exactly what you’re going through, they will normally try to understand it the best they can. When they don’t know exactly what to do to make the situation better, they may still be there for you in any way they can, even if it means just listening. Friends may work to support each other and tend to be there for one another, even when others aren’t. It can be helpful to try your best to exercise these qualities within your friendships.

Be honest

Real friends don’t usually just tell each other what they think the other person wants to hear. Instead, they may work to be open and honest with each other, even when it’s challenging. They may know that in the long run, the truth can be more important than just trying to keep the other person happy for the moment.

Maintain independence

Just because you are good friends—or even best friends—with a person, that does not necessarily mean that you need to solely rely on them or spend all your time with them. Just as with romantic relationships, independence can be an important part of friendships. Acting in a way that could be perceived as clingy or smothering may seem overwhelming to friends. It can be helpful to ensure you’re spending time both together and apart.

Can philia turn into eros?