The Five Love Languages: How To Show Love To Your Partner
The concept of love languages was originally put forth by Gary Chapman in his 1992 book, The Five Love Languages. Chapman’s core love language theory is that each individual has a primary form in which they prefer to receive love, one that makes them feel most appreciated and cared for.
Though love languages can apply to any type of relationship, they’re often spoken of in regard to romantic connections. If you’re looking for ways to get closer to your partner, show them how much you appreciate them, or otherwise strengthen your bond, learning more about love languages may be helpful.
What are the five love languages?
The five main love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. While many of us appreciate being shown love in all of these forms, Chapman’s book is based on the idea that each person has their own love language that resonates with them more strongly than the others.
Words of affirmation
People who love words of affirmation prefer to receive affection in verbal or written forms. It means a lot to them when their partner puts their love and appreciation for them into words. This could take the form of handwritten notes, poems, meaningful conversations, or even simple, spoken words and “I love you's” that express how much they care.
Acts of service
People whose primary love language is acts of service prefer to receive affection in the form of tasks or thoughtful gestures. For them, actions speak louder than words. They feel the most loved when their partner does something for them without being asked, whether it’s big or small. For example, filling their car with gas, cooking them dinner, or simply setting their slippers by their side of the bed so they’re ready for the morning can all be acts of service.
Receiving gifts
People whose primary love language is receiving gifts prefer when their romantic partners show affection by gifting items that show they’re on their mind. These individuals feel the most loved when they have a tangible reminder of their significant other’s affection. While these could include a thoughtful gift they purchased, it could also include handmade gifts or cards, sentimental items like ticket stubs from a memorable date, or other non-monetary items. People with this primary love language may care about not only the gift but also the time and effort involved in choosing it.
Quality time
People whose primary love language is quality time prefer to receive affection in the form of personal attention and doing activities together. They feel the most loved when they get to spend uninterrupted time with their partner getting their undivided attention, whether it’s an arranged activity, a special date night, or snuggling up and watching TV together. Getting to regularly spend time where they can connect with their partner, make eye contact, and have their full attention is important to individuals with this love language.
Physical touch
People whose primary love language is physical affection prefer to receive affection in physical forms. For example, hugs, kisses, snuggling, sexual intimacy, and even a pat on the back or shoulder as their partner passes by are examples of touch that may be appreciated by this type of person. It can make a person feel significant and loved when their partner physically shows them in tangible, physical ways that they care.
How love languages can benefit relationships
When it comes to romantic relationships, partners knowing and showing affection in each other’s preferred love language can be beneficial. First, knowing your partner’s primary language is one way to get to know and understand them on a more intimate level, and it can help increase your level of empathy toward them. Second, it allows you to show them affection in this form more often so they can feel even more appreciated.
Finally, simply making an effort to meet your partner’s needs through their love language can be a demonstration of how much you care about their happiness and well-being.
How to know someone's primary love language
There are a few ways to determine someone else's love language. Your partner may already know their primary love language, so asking them can usually be your first course of action. Or, there’s an online love language quiz you and your partner can take on Gary Chapman’s website to find out what your primary love languages are and learn more about Chapman's theory. A third option is to think about what ways of expressing love your partner responds well to. If they save notes that you write them, they might enjoy words of affirmation or receiving gifts, for example. If they frequently reminisce about activities you’ve tried together, they might be more drawn to quality time.
Getting guidance on strengthening your relationship
There are many different ways to build a deeper connection with your partner over time. Learning about the other's love language is one of them, and getting help from a qualified, impartial party is another. Some turn to a couples therapist when they’re experiencing a problem, such as a breach of trust, or when they’ve identified an area where they want to improve, like more calmly handling conflict or better respecting each other’s boundaries. Still, others choose to attend counseling as a preventative measure to safeguard the health of their relationship and keep it on track. If you’re looking to avoid problems that may have arisen for you in past relationships, qualified professionals are available both online and in person.
Those with busy schedules may find it difficult to regularly meet with a couple’s therapist in person. Online therapy can be another option for people in this situation to consider. One study reports that couples who participated found online therapy to be “beneficial and positive” and felt that the format allowed them to “feel a greater sense of control and comfort.”
If you’re interested in pursuing virtual therapy with your partner, you might consider a service like Regain. If you’d like to process your feelings with a therapist individually, you might try an online therapy platform like BetterHelp. Both offer an easy way to get matched with a licensed therapist whom you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home or anywhere you have an internet connection.
Takeaway
There are many different ways in which you can express love to your partner; the five love languages theory is just one to consider applying. Learning each other's love languages can help, but if you’re looking for additional support and guidance on how to express affection in your relationship, meeting with a therapist may be helpful.
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about love languages.
What are the five love language types?
Love language theory was developed by Gary Chapman in 1992. Though many people experience varying degrees of each language, Chapman calls the language that makes someone feel most loved their “primary love language” and other languages that make someone feel loved, but not as much as their primary language, are called “secondary love languages.” The theory has been around for more than 30 years, but there is mixed scientific support regarding its validity, meaning love languages aren’t considered evidence-based. Regardless, knowing your partner’s love language may help you form a deeper connection:
- Giving or receiving gifts: People with this love language feel most adored when they’re giving or receiving thoughtful gifts. The gift giving may act as a symbol of the relationship, and the thought and consideration behind it is often more valuable than the gift itself. If this is your partner’s primary love language, consider bringing them their go-to frappuccino order, planting their favorite type of flowers in the yard, or surprising them with movie tickets for a film they’ve been wanting to see.
- Words of affirmation: This love language centers on verbal and written expressions of love, appreciation, and encouragement. Kind words of affirmation are many people’s primary love language. If this is your partner's preferred way to receive love, consider celebrating them when they’ve done a good job at work, reassuring them when they need support, or hiding love notes for them to find around the house.
- Physical touch: Many people enjoy physical touch, but for people with this primary love language, physical affection makes them feel loved more than anything else. Physical touch is not limited to sexual intimacy, and can include anything from hugging, cuddling, holding hands, massaging their feet, or playing with their hair.
- Quality time: This love language is all about the quality of the time you spend together over the quantity of time you’re together. If your partner most identifies with this love language, making eye contact with them, putting away electronics, and giving your undivided attention can make them feel cherished and connected with you.
- Acts of service: For some people, actions speak louder than words. People with this love language most appreciate when tasks are taken care of, whether prompted or not. If this is your partner's love language, you could get groceries when you’re out, fill the gas tank, pay the bills, or pick up the kids from school.
Some partners have different love languages, whereas others discuss the same love language. Though it may make it easier to communicate if you receive love in the same ways, it’s not necessary for healthy relationships to thrive. If you’re in a relationship, learning each other’s love languages may help you both feel more loved, appreciated, and connected.
What are the five love languages' summary?
The five love languages refers to a theory on the ways people give and receive love. The languages are:
- Quality time: Spending high-quality one-on-one time together.
- Acts of service: Doing things you know your partner will appreciate.
- Words of affirmation: Telling your partner you love, appreciate, see, and support them.
- Physical touch: Providing physical expressions of love.
- Gifts: Giving or receiving thoughtful gifts.
Based on the theory of love languages, showing your partner love in their language may make them feel more appreciated and loved.
How can I discover my love language?
To figure out what your love language is, consider when you feel the most loved:
- When a partner tells you how much they love you or offers verbal support?
- When you’re physically connected with a partner, such as during sexual intercourse or while cuddling?
- When you’re receiving the undivided attention of people you love?
- When someone takes care of something for you?
- When someone gives you a thoughtful gift?
You can also take the Love Language® Quiz to figure out what your primary language is.
What is the most common love language?
According to a 2010 analysis of 10,000 Love Language® Quiz results, words of affirmation was the most common love language, whereas receiving gifts was the least common. Other analyses have found that quality time was the most common love language. However, neither of these findings come from scientific studies. The first analysis assessed a pool of people who completed Chapman’s online love language quiz, whereas the second one was conducted by Hinge based on user answers to profile questions.
Can you have all five love languages?
Though it’s common to have a primary love language that makes you feel more loved than anything else, many people speak all five love languages. Victory Jones, co-founder of Colour Girl, describes their love language as “All of them combined! I am not exclusively bound to one. And how can we be? I believe we can have favorites amongst them, depending upon what we prefer, mirror, or are used to.”
To evaluate whether you have a primary love language, a blend of several primary languages, or if you have no preferences between languages, consider keeping track of when you feel the most loved, seen, valued, adored, and comforted.
Love languages are malleable, meaning the language you value most can shift over time, and you can learn to “speak” a new language. Your preferences may also shift based on the context, relationship, or time of day.
Why should I know my love language?
Through his work in marriage counseling, Dr. Gary Chapman hypothesized that feeling unloved in the relationship is often rooted in misunderstanding rather than a lack of love. Based on these observations, Chapman developed his theory on love languages and spent years helping romantic partners connect in the ways that resonated most with them. By learning your love language, you may experience:
- A greater understanding of yourself
- Increased emotional intimacy and connection
- Tools to help you describe your emotional needs
- More supportive relationships
In addition to identifying your love language, it’s a good idea to learn how to speak your partner's love language. According to Jennifer Lauren Arceneaux, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, knowing their love language can help resolve conflict more effectively: "When someone knows how their partner expresses an apology, they'll often be more receptive to their repair efforts." Expressing your love in their language can also foster a stronger connection, greater empathy, and long-term relationship satisfaction.
Am I in love or not?
People experience love in different ways, but the following signs may indicate that you are in love with your romantic partner:
- You’re comfortable being yourself around them
- You feel safe in your relationship, not confused or uncertain
- You want to learn more about them
- Your feelings for them go beyond the surface level
- You prioritize each other
- You enjoy spending time with them
- You think about your future together
- You have a deep, emotional bond with them
- You don’t want to change them
- You may be physically or sexually attracted to them (note that not all people experience sexual attraction, which is completely fine)
- You have healthy boundaries
- You feel valued and respected
- Your feelings for them remain strong over time
It can be difficult to distinguish crushes and infatuation from true love. However, crushes are based on superficial qualities (such as appearance or job title), and infatuation lacks emotional intimacy. True love, on the other hand, balances high levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Are love languages real?
The scientific validity and importance of love language is unclear. However, a 2022 peer-reviewed study published in Plos One found that, when heterosexual partners spoke their partner’s primary love language, they experienced greater relationship satisfaction.
Regardless, love languages are often misinterpreted or oversimplified. For example, an article written by Ashley Fetters for The Atlantic identified that people are often self-focused when discussing love languages. On the contrary, the concept of love languages is more about attending to your partner's needs and learning how to speak to them. Julie Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, emphasizes that centering one's own love language can sometimes be overtly harmful or used as a form of manipulation.
How do love languages work?
Love languages work by giving you the framework to communicate your needs and understand your partner’s needs, especially if they differ from your own. When used effectively, love languages may increase selflessness, empathy, emotional intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
Can your love language change?
Yes, love languages can change based on many factors, such as:
- Time of day
- Relationship type
- Season of life
- Mood
- Length of relationship
- Other contextual factors
For example, imagine you’ve just had a long day, and you’re exhausted. You open the fridge looking for a quick dinner, but there’s not much to choose from. At this moment, you may feel particularly loved if your partner picks up groceries or your favorite take-out dish (acts of service and gifts).
On another occasion, you may be feeling overwhelmed by a work project or event. At this point, you may feel most loved when your partner gives you a big hug (physical touch) or says something encouraging (words of affirmation).
If you and your partner have been busy with the kids all week, you may feel most connected when you get to spend one-on-one time together without any distractions (quality time).
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