The Art Of Love Languages: How Words Of Affirmation Can Strengthen Relationships

The concept of the five love languages can help people in relationships of all types feel cared for and more closely bonded. Each love language, or style of showing affection, offers a different way to connect with the people you care about in a way that acknowledges their unique emotional needs. Whether it’s with a romantic partner, family member, or close friend, learning to “speak” different love languages can add a sense of closeness and care to your interpersonal connections. Here, we’ll take a closer look at the “words of affirmation” love language in particular, plus some tips for learning how to express love through words. 

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What are words of affirmation?

Words of affirmation are one of the five love languages proposed by Gary Chapman in his 1992 book. Chapman posits that each person has one primary “language” or method of receiving affection that they prefer, or that makes them feel most cared for. The five love languages are:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

Research suggests that couples who prioritize showing affection to their partner in their partner’s preferred love language are likely to have more satisfying relationships. In connections of all types, showing a person love in the way they most prefer to receive it can make them feel paid attention to and that their needs are important.

If someone’s primary love language is words of affirmation, it means they feel validated and loved when people in their life express appreciation and praise verbally or in writing. They may enjoy compliments, love poems, heartfelt cards, spoken words of thanks and appreciation, “I love yous,” and other forms of care shared through words. 

Understanding the psychology behind words of affirmation

Psychologists have long been interested in the relationship between communication styles and relationship dynamics. Expressions of positive feelings and care such as words of affirmation are widely considered to be important for healthy relationships of all types, according to research. For example:

• Dr. John Gottman’s research into marriage suggests that 5:1 is the “magic ratio” of positive to negative communication for healthy interactions between romantic partners.
• Positive parent-child interactions are known to be an important facet of child well-being. Harvard University researchers, for example, have identified the "serve and return" type of interaction—which involves parents or caregivers responding and engaging when their child speaks—as likely critical for the development of brain architecture and emotional intelligence in children.
• Renowned psychotherapist Carl Rogers emphasized “unconditional positive regard” as essential for an effective client-therapist relationship, which can be demonstrated through words.
• Psychologist Shelly Gable’s research suggests that responses demonstrating enthusiastic interest—a practice known as active constructive responding—can be an effective way to foster closer relationships of all kinds.

The psychological underpinnings of these findings are perhaps easy to understand: It typically feels good when others express their love, show us support, and recognize our efforts. Maybe you can recall the positive emotions you experienced when a parent or teacher acknowledged one of your achievements, or when a friend or romantic partner offered a genuine compliment. Words of affirmation like these can help boost self-esteem, strengthen bonds, and reinforce positive behaviors, helping validate the effort we put into ourselves, our work, or our relationships. 

Using words of affirmation in your relationships

Words of affirmation are often welcome in various types of relationships, but they may be especially important if this is the primary love language of the other person. To use words of affirmation, you can simply begin incorporating expressions of love and positivity into your daily interactions with the people you care about. The more genuine they are, the more impactful they’re likely to be, so it can be a helpful practice to reflect on the feelings of love and respect you have for the other person before sharing them. 

Specificity is another worthwhile consideration. For example, compliments like “I love the way that sweater looks on you” or “You’re so patient with the kids” can be particularly impactful compared to “You look nice” or “You’re a good parent.” Words of affirmation can come in many forms, each offering a different way to demonstrate care and closeness. Some examples include:

Compliments and praise

Whether it be a heartfelt expression of praise for someone’s character or a small compliment about their style, these types of affirming words can help others feel seen and validated.

Expressions of love and appreciation

Simple thank yous and “I love yous” can go a long way in ensuring that the most important people in our lives feel valued, and they can easily be expanded upon for a more personalized touch. 

Acknowledgments of strengths

Recognizing a person’s unique strengths or abilities can not only boost their self-esteem, but it can also reinforce the effort they put into personal growth.

Celebrations of successes

Celebrating achievements and milestones, no matter how big or small, shows that you value their efforts and are proud of their accomplishments. 

Encouragement during challenges

Words of encouragement during difficult times can provide a much-needed boost, particularly when paired with an affirmation of the qualities they possess that can help them get through it.

Affirmations of support and belief in abilities

It tends to feel good when we know others believe in us. You can show your support by recognizing your loved one’s abilities and aptitudes.

Wishes for happiness and well-being

Expressing sincere wishes for someone's happiness and well-being can demonstrate how deeply we care about them.

Notes of thanks and gratitude. Written words of affirmation can be especially powerful, as the recipient can keep them and refer back to them as desired. These could take the form of a love letter, a poem, a card, a text message, a voicemail, or a sticky note on someone’s mirror.

Words of affirmation: What to avoid

When used effectively, words of affirmation can imbue relationships with greater meaning and a stronger sense of mutual respect and support. However, there are a few common mistakes that can undermine the integrity or impact of a kind word, such as:

Generalizations

Vague statements (e.g. “You’re great” or “You do good work”) may not be as effective as more detailed expressions of appreciation. Instead, try to acknowledge the specific actions or qualities that you admire in the other person. 

Dishonesty

Insincere praise can do more harm than good, as others can often sense when our words do not match our true feelings. That’s why it can be important to only share words of affirmation that you personally believe.

Conditional language

Phrases that include conditions, such as "You're smart when you try hard" or "I love you when you’re in a good mood,” can undermine the purpose of affirmations. 

Comparison

Try to avoid comparing the person to others as a form of compliment (e.g., "You're the best employee I've had" or "You're much nicer than my ex.") Comparisons can create feelings of competition or inadequacy and can shift focus away from the person you are complimenting.

Backhanded compliments

These are compliments that actually contain criticism, such as "You're pretty for your age" or "You did well for a beginner." Even when it’s unintentional, these types of comments can be hurtful.

Overuse

While affirmations can be powerful, overusing them or using them inappropriately can dilute their value. Use affirmations meaningfully and at moments when they can truly make a difference.

Working through issues with words of affirmation

Sharing words of affirmation may not come easily to everyone. For one, norms surrounding words of affirmation differ between cultures. Upbringing can play a role too, as those who grew up in families where love was expressed differently might struggle to articulate their feelings verbally. For those who struggle with verbal expressions of love, offering or receiving words of affirmation can feel unnatural or forced. 

In such cases, it might be helpful to reflect on what you appreciate about the important people in your life, such as their personal qualities, habits, or skills. You could even write them down to make it easier to organize your thoughts or help imprint them in your memory, and you could share your written words with the other person instead of speaking them if that feels more natural to you. Then, you might look for ways to incorporate small compliments into your routine interactions.

While some may struggle with offering words of affirmation, others may struggle to receive compliments or praise. This could be due to cultural norms, issues related to self-esteem, or even negative past experiences with praise that didn’t feel genuine or ended up being manipulative. To improve your ability to receive words of affirmation, it may be worth reflecting on your own worth and accomplishments, practicing positive self-talk, and learning to simply say “thank you” without deflecting or negating the compliment. 

Learn to express yourself in therapy

If you’re having trouble expressing yourself in your relationships, it may be worth considering connecting with a therapist. They can work with you to help you understand any underlying issues that may be interfering with your ability to communicate meaningfully with loved ones and share practical skills to help you learn to open up and express yourself more freely. As an example, humanistic therapy is one evidence-based therapeutic approach that may be helpful for those who struggle with emotional expression.

For those with a busy schedule or who don't have many providers nearby to choose from, online therapy can be a more convenient option to consider. With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist and meet with them virtually from the comfort of home rather than commuting to an office. According to a growing body of recent research, online therapy can often offer similar outcomes to in-person care.