Love Or Limerence? The Science Of Attraction

In Charles Dickens’s Great Expectations, the novel’s central character, Pip, experiences a romantic obsession with his paramour, Estella. Though she has repeatedly communicated her lack of interest, Pip continues to yearn for her love and affection. While this phenomenon is often referred to as unrequited love in literature, describing Pip’s longing as limerence may be more accurate. 

It may be helpful to learn what limerence is, why it happens, and how to differentiate between limerence and love. You may also explore practical advice for overcoming limerence and cultivating a healthier outlook on love and relationships. By understanding the science of attraction, you may see yourself as better equipped to make decisions about approaching romance and relationships.

Am I actually in love?

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, coined a term called limerence.

Critical characteristics include the following: 

• Irrational or intrusive thoughts: Limerence can cause an individual to frequently think about their love interest, often to an overwhelming or obsessive degree. Deep obsession can cause them to become emotionally dependent on this new relationship. 
• Idealization: Limerence may be associated with idealizing the other person, focusing on their positive attributes while overlooking or minimizing their flaws.
• Emotional dependency: Their mood may be heavily dependent on the other person's actions, with extreme highs when there's a perception of reciprocation and profound lows when affection isn’t returned.
• Uncertainty and fear of rejection: Limerence is often accompanied by a persistent fear of rejection and an intense longing for any sign of reciprocation or approval from the object.
• Physical symptoms: People experiencing this might have physical symptoms akin to those of anxiety or stress, such as trembling, flushing, palpitations, or a feeling of being "butterflies in the stomach.”
• Fantasy: They may spend significant time fantasizing about the other person and scenarios in which they become closer or form a relationship.

Five stage

Limerence often begins with an initial stage of infatuation. While it may change and evolve differently between individuals, the early stages are often intense and can turn into an extended period of longing and hope over time. It may take place over the following five stages:

Infatuation and onset

It often begins with an initial moment of attraction to the object. Attraction can quickly escalate into obsessive thoughts and an intense desire to form a romantic bond with a person. It can also lead to addictive-type behavior tied to these feelings.

Crystallization

It may “crystallize” as it deepens. In the crystallization stage, the limerent person may idealize the limerent object, creating an ideal version of the person that aligns with their desires. During this stage of intense infatuation, any of the person's flaws are often overlooked, which can negatively affect the limerent person’s ability to see the reality of the situation.

Uncertainty and hope

A hallmark feature is the uncertainty of reciprocation, which creates an emotional rollercoaster. Moments of perceived reciprocation might cause intense euphoria and spark hope, while signs of rejection may lead to sadness or despair. The individual might neglect their own life in pursuit of an obsession, potentially leading to stomach anxiety and affecting their ability to get enough sleep.

Deterioration or consummation

Over time, it may enter a deterioration stage, particularly if it becomes clear that a committed relationship will not materialize. The deterioration stage could deeply impact theirentire life, as they struggle to balance their own needs with the desire to make the person happy. Alternatively, if the limerent’s feelings are reciprocated, limerence may transition to a mutual attraction or love.

Resolution

Eventually, it resolves in one way or another. This resolve may be due to the passage of time, acceptance of the object’s rejection, or, in some cases, establishing a limerent relationship. 

Why limerence occurs 

To understand why it occurs, it can be helpful to understand the neurochemical processes that underpin attraction. While romance may traditionally be associated with the heart, different types of romantic love—lust, attraction, and attachment—result from the release of neurotransmitters in the brain. 

Lust—or the initial surge of interest you may feel towards another—often involves the release of sex hormones like testosterone and estrogen. During the next phase, attraction, neurotransmitters like phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine are released, which incite the desire to be with the object of your affection. This surge of hormones causes a rise in the stress hormone cortisol, which, in turn, depletes levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin. Low serotonin levels are known to be associated with the intrusive thoughts and anxiety characteristic of limerence. 

This potent cocktail of hormones may be responsible for the positive emotions you may feel toward the object of your affection. However, those hormones also work to suppress negative feelings. This process may explain why limerence can cause one to construct an “idealized” version of the other person in the mind, which can make it more challenging to break the spell.

While it can be difficult to tell the difference when you are in the throes of it, there are some key differences, including the following.

Obsession 

Limerence in a new relationship often manifests as an all-consuming obsession with the other person and an intense desire for reciprocity. You may experience anxiety and intrusive thoughts about whether the other person might feel the same. Due to this anxiety, you may oscillate between hope and emotional turmoil and experience physical symptoms like heart palpitations. 

Stability

Love tends to develop over time, and while it may have its ups and downs, love is often more stable and enduring. It tends to involve a more realistic understanding of the other person, as opposed to the idealization that can occur with limerence. Additionally, unlike limerence’s focus on whether feelings are reciprocated, love can exist unconditionally, even if mutual affection is desired. 

If you’re unsure whether you’re feeling healthy love or limerence, it may be helpful to consider your overall mental state. The main difference is that limerence can take a mental and emotional toll, while love often contributes positively to well-being and is typified by mutual respect, support, and intimate connection.

Can limerence turn into love?

Limerence can turn into love. However, this transformation may depend on how the other person receives your feelings. It may be the case that the other person does reciprocate your feelings, in which case an honest, heartfelt conversation might be beneficial. However, in cases where feelings are not mutual, it may be vital to accept the situation and focus on healing, as continuing to pursue an unreciprocated attachment can prolong the anxiety and emotional distress of limerence. In addition, unhealthy patterns in relationships can be red flags for insecure attachment. 

Fixing on someone who does not return your feelings may prevent you from noticing or pursuing other meaningful relationships and opportunities that could lead to true love and fulfillment.

Overcoming limerence

Overcoming limerence can take time, self-reflection, self-love, behavioral changes, and, in some cases, professional help. Below are strategies for overcoming limerence:

• Acknowledge your feelings without judgment: Limerence can happen to anyone and results from natural processes within the brain. Try not to judge yourself for the chemical reactions you experience.  
• Accept that your feelings for the other person are not shared: Attraction is complex, and people often cannot control who they are attracted to. In resolving to heal from limerence, you may even open the possibility of connecting with someone who does share your feelings.
• Maintain clear personal boundaries: Continuous contact can make it more difficult to move on. 
• Focus on personal growth and self-improvement: Practice day-to-day activities for self-care. Develop your skills, pursue your interests, and work on building your self-confidence and self-compassion. Learning to love yourself can be a powerful tool in overcoming limerence.
• Seek support from your friends and family members: Your support system may be able to offer valuable perspectives, helping you stay grounded in a stable emotional state. Engaging in social activities can also provide a healthy distraction.

When to seek help: Therapy for overcoming patterns of limerence

If you still experience limerence after making an effort to move on, or if you believe you are stuck in a pattern of unhealthy emotional attachments, obsessions, or other addictions, it may be worth connecting with a mental health professional. For example, a therapist can work with you to understand your feelings and offer valuable guidance and coping strategies for dealing with difficult emotions and social situations. They may be able to help you identify patterns of limerence versus love and what makes a loving relationship succeed. 

Therapists may also help you work through any underlying mental health conditions or past traumas that may be preventing you from forming healthy relationships with others. For those dealing with patterns of limerence, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), interpersonal therapy (IPT), and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) may be worth considering.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Interpersonal therapy, in particular, may be valuable for those dealing with patterns of limerence. IPT can help you develop healthier, more realistic ways of relating to people and forming attachments, reducing the impact of limerence on your life. Research has found interpersonal therapy an effective way of improving social functioning, as well as symptoms of mental illnesses like depression and anxiety.

Alternative support options

If you’re looking for support as you navigate dating, relationships, and the complex emotions that can come with romance, it may be worth considering online therapy. Research has found online therapy as effective as its face-to-face counterpart and may be preferable for those with busy schedules who find it challenging to make it to in-person appointments. 

Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp tend to be more affordable and offer a range of additional services at no extra cost. For example, weekly group sessions included in your plan can allow you to connect with others experiencing similar challenges with dating and relationships, while interactive journaling and daily messaging with your therapist can mean you get more out of your mental health investment.