Understanding The Psychology Of Love In Modern Dating
Love is one of the most complex emotions that humans have. It can mix physical, emotional, psychological, social, cognitive, and spiritual elements. And it can vary significantly from person to person as each individual has a unique understanding of what love means to them
When many people hear the word love, they generally think of romantic love. However, while romantic love is prevalent and given considerable media attention, many other forms of love are equally important. There can be love between friends, siblings, parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren. This article will explore the various forms of love and the psychology behind them.The psychology of love
You may think you know what love is, but science has proven that there is a lot more to it than that. By understanding the psychology of love, you can better understand your relationships and make healthier decisions regarding matters of the heart.
Intimacy, passion, and commitment
The American Psychological Association defines love as an intense feeling of deep affection. However, there are a few more psychological components to consider when looking at love in modern dating.Psychologist Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love gives us a better understanding of the components that make up love. His theory considers three dimensions of relationships: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Brief explanation of the three elements of the psychology of love
Intimacy is about feeling close to another person and trusting and confiding in them. Passion refers to physical attraction and sexual chemistry. Commitment is the decision to stay in a relationship and work through any challenges that may arise.
According to Sternberg, a strong relationship has all three components present. When all three are in equal harmony, this type of love is known as consummate love. Many people aspire to have this kind of love in their relationships, but achieving it can be challenging.
How falling in love affects the brain
When we experience the three dimensions of love, it can activate specific brain regions. This primitive response is kept alive by something fundamental to our biological nature — the reward circuit. Oxytocin, the love hormone, plays a significant role in this process. It helps us create strong emotional connections and can enhance trust and bonding between people.
Our brain releases hormones when you are falling in love
The brain's reward circuit also produces hormones of stress and reward, including dopamine, norepinephrine, and cortisol. When the brain releases these hormones, it may cause us to feel a sense of pleasure or joy — the feelings you can get from being with someone you love.
Romantic love provides us with the necessary emotions to survive
As humans, bonding is also a crucial part of our survival. Enduring relationships can provide us with the necessary emotions to survive and reproduce, which can reflect love's psychological components. Secure connections help us stay emotionally stable, reduce stress, and can increase well-being.
Research suggests that individuals in stable, long-lasting relationships typically live longer than single individuals across demographic groups. There is evidence to suggest that increased intimacy and emotional connections lower depression symptoms, as well as enhance immune function and cardiovascular health.
Help you form healthier relationships
Your brain seeks love — and understanding these psychological components of love can help you form healthier, more meaningful relationships. You may better understand, navigate, and express love as you grow and learn in relationships.
The digital era and what it means for love
The digital era has changed how people date, but it has yet to change the psychology of love. While online dating may make it easier to connect with potential partners, it doesn't change what needs to be there for a relationship to reach its full potential: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
But how have digitalization and modern love evolved together? The internet has made finding matches that better suit their needs, interests, and personalities easier. And the contemporary dating landscape is filled with opportunities to explore new relationships, understand different types of love, and find a genuine connection.
The reliance on technology and digital platforms for communication can help build deeper connections. The ability to connect with someone meaningfully, no matter the distance or time apart, can help keep the relationship alive. From video calls to sending thoughtful messages, many opportunities exist to express your feelings.
Developing the three elements of the psychology of love
The psychology of love can give us insight into modern relationships, but it's also important to remember that each relationship is unique. Everyone has individual wants and needs, so what works for one couple may not work for another.
That's why it's helpful to recognize the three elements of love in your relationship. Then, develop them to suit your individual needs and create a strong connection.
Intimacy
Intimacy is one of the most critical elements in any relationship. It allows us to feel close to our partners, trust them, and be vulnerable. But building intimacy can be difficult, especially if you need help knowing where to start. To build intimacy, incorporate the following tips into your relationship:
- Stay connected through communication: Take time daily to talk and check in with your partner. Not only will this help you stay connected, but it can also help create a stronger bond.
- Show appreciation for each other's wants and needs: Respect each other's boundaries and express gratitude for the small things they do.
- Focus on the here and now: Be present with your partner. Spend quality time together, and be mindful of how your partner feels.
Passion
Passion is another vital element in a relationship, but it doesn't always come easy. Passion can be the physical or mental connection between two people, and it can be challenging to rekindle after a long time. To help ignite your passion, try the following:
- Be spontaneous together: Try something new or surprise your partner with a gift or gesture. Doing this can keep things fresh and build anticipation for your next adventure.
- Celebrate life's milestones: Make sure to celebrate all your big and small victories. It will remind you of your accomplishments and may add a sense of purpose to your relationship.
- Take time apart: Sometimes, it's necessary to take time away from each other to reconnect later. Doing things apart can help reignite passion and add excitement to your relationship.
Commitment
Commitment may seem the most natural part of any relationship, but it can also be the hardest to maintain. For a lasting relationship, both partners may need to stay committed and make sacrifices when necessary. Here are some tips to help you build a lasting commitment:
- Be honest with each other: Always be open and truthful. Communicate your feelings honestly and respectfully if you're feeling anxious or upset.
- Stay connected to friends and family: Becoming isolated in a relationship can be easy. Stay in touch with your friends and family.
- Make time for each other: Set aside time each week to spend with each other, even if it's just a few hours. Quality time can help you both stay connected and remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place.
Strengthening your relationship with therapy
Love isn't always easy, but you can navigate it more easily with the right tools and effort. Couples therapy can help you identify and address the underlying issues in your relationship. You and your partner can work together to develop communication skills, build trust, and find common ground. With the help of a therapist, couples can work through difficult situations and gain insight into each other's feelings.
Online therapy can provide a flexible and convenient option for couples, especially when one or both partners have busy schedules or live in different areas. You can connect with a therapist from the comfort of your home or wherever you have an internet connection. Research suggests virtual treatments can be as effective as in-person treatments.
Takeaway
By staying connected and appreciating each other, reigniting passion, and building a lasting commitment, couples can create solid foundations for their relationship. This foundation will help create a bond of trust and intimacy, which you can further strengthen with the help of online therapy.
What does psychology say about love?
Love is a complex secondary emotion that describes a deep affection, attraction, and/or attachment to someone or something. Psychologist Robert Sternberg developed the triangular theory of love to explain the psychological basis of interpersonal love between heterosexual men and women, but it can apply to other gender identities and sexual orientations. Based on his theory of love, the type of love present in a relationship can be determined based on the presence of:
Passion
This physical component of love describes sexual attraction, intense emotions, and strong romantic or sexual interest.
Intimacy
Intimacy describes the emotional element of love. Attachment, trust, and close bonds are present in love with a high degree of intimacy.
Commitment
Commitment involves loyalty and the willingness to work to maintain a relationship. Unlike passion and intimacy, it’s a cognitive decision.
Unlike passion, intimacy and commitment are often present outside of romance. For example, companionate love may exist between best friends who’ve known each other for decades. Companionate love describes high emotional intimacy and commitment without the presence of passion.
What is the real feeling of love?
Love doesn’t always feel the same, but it may include some (or all) of these characteristics:
- Deep affection
- Trust
- Butterflies
- Fondness
- Belonging
- Warmth
- Excitement
- Security
- Attraction
- Resilience
- Comfort
- Admiration
- Connection
- Unconditional acceptance
What types of love are real love?
There are seven different types of “real” love, including liking, infatuation, empty, romantic, companionate, consummate, and fatuous love. Unlike the rest, consummate love involves a balanced mixture of passion, intimacy, and commitment. It’s considered to be the ideal or gold-standard of love, though it may not be realistic for romantic relationships to maintain a constant balance between these three elements at all times.
What are the 5 basics of love?
Dr. Gary Chapman developed the five “love languages” to help couples understand the ways they prefer to express and receive love. By understanding your love language, and the language’s of those you care about, you may be able to share love in more meaningful ways. The five love languages are:
- Words of affirmation: Telling someone how much you care about them, congratulating their successes, and texting love notes can feel particularly special for people with this love language.
- Quality time: Quality time is all about actively listening to one another and setting aside space to fully enjoy each other's company. With this language, it’s less about the quantity of time together, and more about the intimacy of that time.
- Physical touch: Physical touch doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. People with this love language may deeply appreciate their best friend’s hug or having a shoulder to cry on.
- Acts of service: Fixing the leaky faucet unprompted, bringing over soup when they’re sick, or loading the dishwasher may be especially touching to people whose love language is acts of service.
- Receiving gifts: This love language is sometimes misunderstood as materialistic. However, receiving gifts is often more about the gesture and sentimentality behind a gift rather than the present itself. The gesture of giving little things, such as a handmade card or their favorite type of candy often means much more to the receiver than the gift itself.
What is the deepest form of romantic love?
Agape, or universal love, is described as a form of unconditional, compassionate, kind, generous love for all living things without expecting anything in return. According to some religions, agape love is the deepest form of love that a person can experience.
In psychology, consummate love is considered the most complete or ideal form of love, as it balances high levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment.
What makes people fall in love?
People fall in love based on intimacy, passion, and/or commitment.
Types of love
The following are the types of love one may encounter:
- Liking: In this love, there is some emotional intimacy, without physical passion or cognitive commitment. Liking is common in friendships.
- Infatuation: There is high passion, but emotional intimacy and cognitive commitment have not been established. Infatuation is common when you’ve recently invited a romantic interest into your life.
- Empty: This love has commitment, but there isn’t physical passion or emotional intimacy present. It may describe a marriage that’s lost the excitement it once had.
- Romantic: In this love, there is physical passion and emotional intimacy, but you have not yet decided to commit your lives to each other.
- Companionate: Best friends often have companionate love, which are characterized by high cognitive commitment, high emotional intimacy, and no physical passion.
- Fatuous: This love may describe fast-moving relationships where you’re falling head over heels for someone. Fatuous love includes high levels of physical passion and cognitive commitment without emotional intimacy.
- Consummate: This love balances high levels of physical passion, emotional intimacy, and cognitive commitment. Consummate love is the goal for many long-term partners, though it can be difficult to achieve and maintain.
Are soulmates real?
According to some scientists, soulmates are real. People are biologically wired to find and elevate certain people. The term “soul mates” refers to pair bonding and our brain’s ability to find some people more valuable than others. The instant affinity, or “spark,” you experience for someone may be partially due to their appearance and odor. It’s thought that people have many potential soul mates.
How do you love someone deeply?
You can build strong relationships and demonstrate your love for someone in many ways. For example, you could:
- Actively listen when they talk to you
- Accept them for who they are, including their flaws
- Show them compassion and empathy
- Avoid complacency
- Communicate more productively
- Try to understand their perspective
- Have the difficult conversations
- Make space for one-on-one time
- Express your love and admiration for them
- Be their confidant
- Tackle challenges together
- Find mutual hobbies
- Attend individual or couples therapy
- Accept responsibility for wrongdoings
- Apologize when you’ve done something hurtful
- Surprise them with gifts or acts of service
- Try something new together
- Give them space and independence
- Share the responsibility of parenting, finances, and household chores
- Make big decisions together and be willing to compromise
- Prioritize loving yourself
How do you show love?
There are many ways to show love. To figure out what your loved one will most appreciate, consider what their love language is.
- Physical touch: Consider booking them a massage, rubbing their back, cuddling on the couch, taking dance lessons together, or holding hands.
- Acts of service: Take care of something they’ll appreciate. For example, you could offer to pick the kids up from school, pull weeds in the garden, or meal prep for the week.
- Words of affirmation: Leave a thoughtful note in their bag, text them something encouraging before a big presentation at work, or tell them how much you care about them.
- Gifts: Stock the fridge with their favorite drink, buy them new socks if you notice that theirs have holes, or surprise them with their favorite takeout dish.
- Quality time: Set aside an hour each week for one-on-one time like cooking an elaborate meal together, going out for a drink, or checking out a new hiking trail.
How do you know if he loves you deeply?
Deep romantic love is characterized by passion, commitment, and intimacy. If he loves you deeply, he’ll feel passionate, secure, and emotionally connected. Oftentimes, deep love is palpable and obvious. However, if you’re unsure, you can look for these signs:
- He prioritizes you
- You trust each other
- He makes plans for the future together
- He supports you
- He’s willing to compromise
- He seeks your advice and opinions
- He genuinely listens when you’re talking
- He accepts you for who you are
- He doesn’t want to change you
- He shares his life with you and makes efforts to learn more about you
- He’s vulnerable with you
Infatuation is sometimes difficult to distinguish from love. If your relationship is intensely passionate and physically exciting, but you don’t know each other well enough for strong emotional intimacy to be present, it may not be deep love.
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