Understanding Your Primary Love Language: Gift Giving

Whether with friends, family, or a romantic partner, knowing how you and your loved ones prefer to give and receive love may strengthen your bond and promote happy, healthy relationships. A popular way of understanding the best ways to show love and appreciation for others is through love languages.

Love languages, which were established by Dr. Gary Chapman, are five distinct ways people express love and feel loved. They include saying words of affirmation, performing acts of service, gift-giving and receiving, spending quality time together, and engaging in physical touch. Understanding your partner’s love language can help these can improve your relationship and show them that you care.

Someone with a gift-giving love language might enjoy giving or receiving gifts to feel or make those around them feel special, loved, and appreciated. To understand gift-giving, it can be helpful to take a closer look at the five love languages, giving and receiving love as a gift-giver, and how to use this knowledge to grow and strengthen your relationship with a partner.

The five love languages

Love languages were first introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman and popularized in his 1992 book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.” The book suggests that everyone gives and receives love in different ways, and those methods can be broken down into five general categories called love languages.

The five love languages established by Chapman include the following: 

• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Quality time
• Words of affirmation
• Gift-giving

Although love languages are often associated with intimate relationships between romantic partners, they can also be applied to platonic or familial relationships. Below are further explanations of these love languages.  

Physical touch

Someone whose love language is physical touch might feel most loved and appreciated when kissing, hugging, holding hands, having sex, or partaking in other physical acts of affection. Beyond romantic gestures, any skin-to-skin contact could fall under the physical touch umbrella, such as a hand on the shoulder or a pat on the back.

Acts of service

The love language “acts of service” often involves performing helpful or thoughtful tasks for your partner, such as filling their car with gas, cooking a meal, planning a date night, or helping with cleaning or organizing. A partner completing to-do lists without needing reminding can be a huge gesture for someone with this love language. The essential thought behind these tasks is often a desire to make someone else’s life easier or more enjoyable.

Quality time

Quality time as a love language can look different for everyone. For some, it could mean spending time doing an activity together, such as a hobby or a night out. For others, quality time could mean watching a movie or enjoying a meal together. Often, quality time involves offering your partner your attention, active listening, and making an effort to be present with one another. You might put your phone down while you’re together and avoid distractions. 

Words of affirmation

Someone whose love language is words of affirmation might focus on expressing their affection and appreciation for another person by telling them how they feel. Consequently, they might also feel most appreciated when their partner uses their words to express those emotions. Common words of affirmation can include compliments, appreciation for a specific action, and saying, “I love you.”

The love language of gift-giving

The love language gift-giving can involve giving and receiving gifts. Someone whose love language is gifts might plan to give gifts for all their loved ones during special occasions and pride themselves on being a gift giver. Little gifts or even material things that carry sentimental value can make a significant impact, serving as a tangible item that reaffirms a partner’s affection. In addition, they might deeply appreciate the thoughtfulness that went into every gift they receive, including the thought behind the gifts. 

Can someone have more than one love language beyond gift-giving?

Although people often speak of love languages as a singular preference, each act has its place in a relationship and can evolve or change entirely over time.

For example, although your primary love language might be gift-giving, you might also have a strong preference for acts of service. Although physical touch might be your least preferred method of giving or receiving affection, you and your partner might still hug, kiss, or hold hands on occasion. Additionally, as your relationship or you as an individual grows and evolves over a decade, your or your partner’s primary love language might shift as well.

Is it important to understand your partner's love language?

Love languages are a theory; not everyone may relate to this model of seeing relationships or having the same love language. However, understanding how you and your partner give and receive affection may improve communication and relationship satisfaction. By showing your partner love in a way that resonates with them, you can directly express love in a meaningful and impactful way. Conversely, receiving love from your partner in a way that makes you feel loved may increase happiness and stability in your relationship.

A 2022 study looked at the love language preferences of 100 couples and monitored how their partners' responses to those preferences affected their relationship satisfaction.

Understanding one another’s languages can also minimize miscommunications and misunderstandings from different love languages. For example, someone with quality time as their love language may be satisfied by a dinner date with a partner where they are both talking and fully present, while the other person might not believe the date went well until the other person uses words of affirmation to express their satisfaction.

Showing and receiving affection as a gift-giver

Someone whose primary love language is gift-giving might show their feelings in several ways.

Different ways this affection might manifest for others

• Enjoy exchanging gifts during holidays or on a special occasion like an anniversary or birthday
• Buy loved ones souvenirs when they travel
• Pay attention to subtle hints or cues about what their partner speaks about, then surprise them with a related gift
• Give partners, friends, and family members gifts “just because”
• Recognize and take special note of their loved ones’ wants and needs
• Personalize gifts as opposed to giving a generic gift, as they tend to be more thoughtful presents
• Buy items or other little things that remind them of their loved ones, and they always seem to find the right gift
• Rarely show up empty-handed

How to show affection

If you’ve noticed that your partner’s love language involves receiving gifts as well, some ways you might show them affection could include these gift ideas below. 

• Buying them coffee on your way to see them
• Prioritizing getting them a thoughtful gift for birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays
• Bringing your partner flowers when they’ve had a bad day
• Listening to their interests and incorporating them into gifts (even a  gift certificate to a store they like)
• Ordering them an item or food they mentioned they want or need
• Picking up or having lunch delivered from their favorite restaurant
• Grabbing your partner’s favorite snack food while grocery shopping

It might be helpful to remember that gift-giving doesn’t necessarily have to include a grand gesture or expensive gift. Often, the thought behind the gift may show your partner you care, no matter how big, small, or expensive the item is. When offering a present, show your partner you were thinking about them and want to make them happy, even if it is a small gift. 

Misconceptions of gift-giving as a primary love language

Despite what some may think, someone whose love language is receiving gifts may not be materialistic. Often, the usage of the gift itself isn’t what makes the other person feel appreciated. Instead, a great gift can serve as a reminder of the thought and care that went into picking it out and purchasing or creating it. For example, a person might give their partner the bestselling book that they’ve been talking about or get their partner tickets to see their favorite musician as a surprise date. 

Gift-giving makes sense in this context. Research has shown that offering thoughtful physical gifts to others can lead to increased happiness in yourself, with the brain releasing oxytocin, a hormone known as the “cuddle hormone,” signaling trust, safety, and connection. When you receive gifts, your brain reacts similarly. Additionally, studies suggest that positive reactions to gift giving and receiving are more common when the gift reflects the recipient, showing it can be the thought that counts. 

Communicating your love language to your partner

An aspect of the five love languages can be knowing how to communicate yours to your partner and learning theirs, especially when it differs from your own. Although your ideal love language might be the act of giving gifts, your partner may prefer a different love language. Therefore, understanding each other’s language can be crucial in building a strong, mutually satisfying relationship.

When you begin a romantic relationship with someone, it can be helpful to discuss how they prefer you show affection and appreciation for them and how you prefer they show affection and appreciation in return. You might talk about meaningful ways you’ve felt loved in other relationships or take a love languages quiz. Establishing your primary languages can set the stage for a healthy and mutually loving relationship going forward.

Relationship support options 

Establishing healthy communication patterns, including learning one another’s love languages, can be a vital yet challenging part of a relationship. Talking to a licensed clinical psychologist about improving specific areas of your love life may be helpful. However, if you face barriers to in-person therapy, online therapy may be more reachable. 

For some, availing of clinical psychology through online platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and ReGain for couples can be beneficial for learning how you prefer to give and receive love, offering healthy communication strategies that can enhance your current and future relationships. With online therapy, clients can meet with a licensed provider from anywhere with an internet connection via video call, phone call, or in-app messaging. In addition, clients may avail of resources like journaling prompts, worksheets, and weekly group sessions to discuss ideas. 

Research suggests that communication skills can be improved effectively using online methods. A recent study examined how students responded to online skills-based training in the short and long term. Researchers concluded that the online methods were “associated with multiple, positive changes to students’ patient-centered communication behavior.” Additionally, they found the internet-based format to be both time- and resource-efficient.