What Causes A Love-Hate Relationship?

Love/hate relationships often involve intense, coexisting feelings of affection and resentment toward a person. These relationships are often confusing and emotionally challenging, but understanding and addressing the underlying issues with compassion and self-care can help navigate complex emotions so you can find a resolution. 

Sometimes, even stable and loving relationships can go through stressful or challenging times. Occasional periods of negativity can be normal, but the definition of what is typical can change considerably from person to person. The factors that lead emotions to change can vary as well. Ultimately, every individual decides for themselves what constitutes an acceptable level of volatility. Still, it is likely that frequently switching between love and hate will add stress to any interpersonal connection, leading to a love-hate relationship.

Volatility in childhood, low self-esteem, and certain mental health disorders may contribute to volatility in a love-hate relationship. Setting boundaries, developing emotional intelligence, and addressing the source of the volatility may help improve relationship health. An online or in-person therapist can serve as a helpful resource as you work through the challenges associated with a love-hate relationship.

How is a love-hate relationship defined?

A love-hate relationship tends to exist when a person has both negative and positive feelings about another person. They may feel particularly in love with the person one day but find them unappealing the next. Volatility of this nature can vary in intensity. A person might experience powerful shifts in their perspective, or they might have a more limited oscillation between positive and negative. 

A love-hate relationship can apply to any sort of interpersonal connection. Family, friends, and romantic partners are all candidates. In many cases, the most intense variations exist in romantic partnerships. If you believe you are deeply in love with your partner but hate them at the same time, your romantic partnership may have elements of volatility that are seen in a love-hate relationship. Some experts compare those connections to rollercoasters due to the constant up-and-down of emotional states and attachments. 

Where does volatility come from?

Emotional volatility, or the back-and-forth between negative feelings and positive emotions, can come from many sources. It can arise as dysfunctional love or emotional ambivalence and is relatively common, representing the many ways a person can acquire the instability associated with love-hate relationships. A few of the common ways this type of love-hate relationship can develop are listed below.

Volatility in childhood

Attachment theory can offer some clues regarding the development of a volatile relationship. Attachment generally refers to how people bond and form interpersonal connections, most notably romantic ones. The theory was originally developed to provide a framework for how children attach to their parents, but it was later expanded to include how adults attach to romantic partners. 

In general, attachment theory recognizes that the interactions a person has with their parents or caregivers in early childhood can substantially impact how that person attaches to future romantic partners. In some cases, early experiences with a family member or caregiver can lead to mixed emotions in later relationships, negatively affecting one's ability to maintain healthy relationships.

Attachment theory generally defines four attachment types: 

• Anxious attachment can be defined by a preoccupation with a romantic partner and a deep fear of abandonment. Those who are anxiously attached may need excessive reassurance to feel stable with their romantic partner. 

• Avoidant attachment can be characterized by a strong sense of independence and a limited willingness to engage completely with a romantic partner. Those who are avoidantly attached may find it challenging to be emotionally close to others.

• Disorganized attachment commonly involves difficulty controlling emotions, elements of anxiety, and elements of avoidance. People with this attachment style often had chaotic childhoods in which they found it challenging to feel stable. 

• Secure attachment generally refers to the absence of any of the other three attachment styles. Those who are securely attached are usually comfortable engaging with their partner, can spend time alone, and typically have healthy self-esteem. 

Low self-esteem 

People with low self-esteem sometimes find it challenging to believe they are worthy of love, leading to relationship issues. They may be highly critical of themselves, disregard positive aspects of their personality, or otherwise see themselves in a negative light. Their poor self-image may lead them to disbelieve positive statements from a romantic partner and cause them to be emotionally ambivalent toward loving relationships. For example, someone who believes they are not worthy of love may think that their partner tells them nice things “because they have to” or “because that's just what people do when they’re dating someone.” 

Struggling to trust positivity in the relationship or believing they are unworthy of love may introduce instability and volatility into romantic partnerships, friendships, and family connections. Regarding romantic partnerships, evidence suggests that low self-esteem can significantly increase the amount of conflict in a relationship. The adverse effects of low self-esteem likely affect most social connections, not just romantic partnerships.

Mental health concerns

Some mental disorders can be associated with a significant increase in interpersonal volatility, often affecting the passion and intensity within a love relationship. One of the disorders most commonly associated with volatility may be borderline personality disorder (BPD). 

BPD is typically characterized by difficulty controlling emotions, high impulsivity, and a pattern of instability in personal connections. In a romantic partnership, a person with BPD might oscillate between intense attraction and extreme dislike, reflecting the complex nature of emotions involved with hating and loving simultaneously. Those with this disorder tend to view things in extremes and may find it challenging to achieve a steady rhythm in a partnership.

While BPD can directly affect a person’s ability to engage in a healthy romantic partnership, other mental disorders may have a more indirect effect. For example, depression is typically associated with low self-esteem. As discussed above, low self-esteem can sometimes lead to relational volatility because the person can have a false sense of insecurity. They may not believe they are worthy of love, so they may reject positivity, love, and affection. 

How can the volatility be addressed?

A love-hate relationship can be stressful and challenging to manage, but taking steps to address the volatility is possible. 

Find the sources of volatility

Are you a volatile person? Ask yourself how much of the oscillation between positive and negative comes from you, and how much comes from your partner. Do you believe you’re worthy of love, or do you reject loving advances? Does your partner treat you with respect and in a trustworthy manner? Do you do the same for them? It can sometimes be challenging to consider these issues directly, but knowing where the volatility comes from can help you take meaningful steps to address it and overcome a love-hate relationship. 

Develop emotional awareness

It might be helpful to examine your emotional awareness through the lens of emotional intelligence (EQ). EQ generally comprises five key elements: self-awareness, self-control, motivation, empathy, and social skills. Improving those areas is likely to help you gain an accurate grasp of your emotional traits and the traits of those around you, including those of a romantic partner. This can help you determine when the feelings of love or hate might be more complicated and mixed with other emotions, and can help you differentiate how you perceive love and hate in terms of behaviors in a relationship.

There are also many benefits to practicing basic mindfulness exercises. Mindfulness can be an important part of self-awareness, helping individuals realize when they are experiencing mixed emotions toward a friend or partner. Deepening your mindfulness skills may make it easier to understand why you feel a certain way, especially when specific words or actions occur that trigger a swift change from love to resentment or hate.

Practice setting boundaries

Setting boundaries with others can be key in preventing breaking points in a relationship. Clear boundaries help partners interact without crossing lines that lead to resentment. However, it can be a challenge for some people, especially those with low self-esteem to establish and/or respect boundaries. It may be worthwhile to focus on setting boundaries in a healthy way.

Not setting boundaries can allow others to  violate a person’s space. If people aren’t aware of your boundaries, they usually can’t respect them. This might lead to resentment and volatility, even if others had no intention of violating your boundaries. It can be important to evaluate how you convey your boundaries, your self-esteem, and remind yourself that you are worthy of having your boundaries respected. 

Get help from others

Managing volatility in a romantic partnership or other type of interpersonal connection can sometimes be challenging, and it may be crucial to maintain an adequate support network while doing so. Consider leaning on trusted friends or family, and don’t hesitate to discuss your needs outside of a love-hate relationship. 

If you’re challenged by low self-esteem or a mental disorder, it can be especially important to ensure that your support network is available to you. If you spend quality time with the same person who understands the complexity of your love relationship, you may find it easier to navigate the ups and downs. You can also spend time with friends and family who you love to boost self-esteem and worthiness.

You might also consider meeting with a therapist or other qualified professional to discuss your love-hate relationship. A therapist may be helpful for managing strong feelings of love or hate. They might teach effective ways to work through negative emotions like frustration, anger, or hatred that you might be feeling at some point. If love turns into hate or vice versa, seeking professional help for your well-being is often an effective option to break free from the cycle. Leaving might seem like the only option at times, but exploration and understanding can open up new paths.

Online therapy could be a good option if you like the thought of attending therapy from home. You might also have a reach to a larger selection of practitioners when using online options. Online therapists generally have the same training and credentials as traditional therapists, and they normally use the same evidence-based techniques, such as cognitive behavioral therapy. 

Online therapy

Online therapy could be a good option if you like the thought of attending therapy from home. You might also have a larger selection of practitioners when using online options. Online therapists generally have the same training and credentials as in-person therapists, and they normally use the same evidence-based techniques, such as cognitive behavioral therapy. 

Online therapy has seen a recent surge in users, prompting researchers to perform investigations into the effectiveness of online therapy in comparison to in-person therapy. In general, client outcomes from in-person and online therapy are the same, meaning that either option can be valid for those seeking professional mental health help.