Some people who are married or in a long-term relationship may worry about falling out of love. They might notice their loving feelings while interacting with their partner have faded, and they no longer feel excited to see their partner. Perhaps the couple spends less quality time together, physical intimacy has diminished, or the honeymoon phase seems to be over.
While some people may fall out of love, long-term romantic relationships can have ups and downs. Some couples may find emotional distance develops for periods, but loving feelings can be rekindled by spending time together and discussing each person's emotional state openly. Those struggling to determine if they're not in love anymore or if they should end their relationship might gain insight through self-reflection or individual and couples counseling with a licensed marriage and family therapist.
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Explore challenges with falling out of love in therapy
Research suggests that people can fall out of love. Although the topic hasn't been widely studied, some researchers have explored what falling out of love entails, how it impacts people, and if or how it can be prevented.
Does falling out of love lead to divorce?
Falling out of love is one of the top reasons given for divorce. Some people consider romantic love an essential part of marriage and no longer want to be married once they no longer feel that romantic love. Since about half of all marriages in the US end in divorce, learning ways to keep the love alive can be important for married couples hoping to stay together and find happiness for the long haul.
Not all married couples who fall out of love get divorced, however. That said, researchers might consider them "emotionally divorced." This term refers to being emotionally distant from one another despite continuing to be married or live together. A married couple no longer in love might stay together because of their religion or pressure from friends and family. They might even be parents raising multiple children, but they no longer feel the romantic feelings for each other that they once felt.
Some couples may believe they have fallen out of love but work on the relationship and realize they've fallen back into love. While this occurrence may not happen to everyone, it is possible.
Self-reflection, improved communication, and outside help, like individual or couples counseling, may help a person fall back in love with their romantic partner or realize that falling back in love may not be the healthiest option.
Why do people fall out of love and end up in a breakup?
Falling out of love can have different meanings for different people, and it often isn’t in the future plans of couples. Psychology researcher Dr. Joanni Sailor was one of the first to talk to people who had fallen out of love and publish the results. People described falling out of love in multiple ways, including the following.
Physical intimacy declining or missing in a relationship
People often mentioned they fell out of love because they no longer felt sexually attracted to their partner or they felt like their partner was no longer sexually attracted to them. This thought might have been evidenced by long periods without sexual connection or continuing to have sex but believing it was no longer passionate or fulfilling.
Trust erosion and disillusionment
Some people reported falling out of love because they could no longer trust their partner. This lack of trust could stem from a significant betrayal, like cheating or mind games, which could lead to constant lies and not being honest when it matters most. Some said they experienced a lack of trust because their partner wasn't as involved in household decisions or emotionally supportive, so they couldn’t turn to them or expect them to be reliable.
Believing one is no longer loved
In some cases, a person may fall out of love because they no longer believe their partner loves them. Their partner may have fallen out of love first, or perhaps they hurt them and stopped being as interested in the relationship. Either way, unrequited love or a sense that a relationship is one-sided may lead to the end of love.
Loneliness and painful feelings and emotions
Feeling lonely and experiencing pain because of a relationship may cause a person to fall out of love. At the same time, people may feel immense loneliness and pain after realizing they are falling out of love. Some people may cry often or develop depression while they are falling out of love. They might experience intensified feelings of loneliness if they spend time together less and less, leading to a more severe breakdown in communication.
A negative self-outlook
Some people may have had negative thoughts about themselves before or when falling out of love. In some instances, a person could believe they are a terrible partner, which can bring on low self-esteem and make staying in the relationship painful. In other instances, a person might have negative thoughts about themselves for reasons unrelated to the relationship, but those negative feelings and thoughts make it difficult to love someone else properly.
Reduced shared values
To maintain lasting love, a shared vision of happiness is often key. When partners no longer agree on what brings joy or their ideas of what love means diverge, a rift can form. It's a telling sign when a husband and wife, or any couple, stop taking an interest in similar goals, desires, and truths, which could mean their values no longer align.
Gradual disinterest and disconnect
Some people describe falling out of love as a gradual process. In these instances, there isn't one single cause that can explain why they fell out of love. Many different incidents or changes might occur over several years, gradually resulting in a lack of romantic love for their partner.
Clarity and realizations
Some people who fall out of love describe reaching a point of no return in which they know the loving feeling is gone. At that moment, a person might recognize they want to leave the relationship or believe their partner has become a stranger they no longer know. Not everyone who falls out of love experiences this moment. Some can bring the love back by working on the relationship.
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When you fall out of love: Feeling disconnect and disillusionment
There are many theories on lasting love, so what a person thinks happens when love ends depends on what they believe love is in the first place. One prominent theory defines love as a combination of passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion often comes first and involves the intense and unpredictable feelings people may associate with falling in love, like increased energy, focused attention on the love object, and feelings of attraction.
Intimacy develops as people falling in love get to know one another better and become attached. Commitment comes when they decide to be together and take care of one another. Often, when a person admits they've fallen out of love, they mean the passion is gone. Passion has been found to fade over time, but that doesn't necessarily mean a person has fallen out of love since intimacy and commitment may still be present. When a person declares they have fully fallen out of love, often, all three of these relationship elements — passion, intimacy, and commitment — have disintegrated.
Falling out of love can cause emotional pain, causing a person to take a deep breath and confront the reality of their feelings. It can also make a person question themselves and become confused about their identity, especially if the relationship lasted many years. Multiple aspects of a person's self-concept might be tied to the relationship and its love. If that love is fading or has left, a person might believe they no longer know who they are, and they may choose to rediscover and rebuild their identity, lifestyle, and hobbies.
Falling out of love can also be confusing and disorienting. A person might be so stunned by the change and their sudden lack of identity that they aren't sure how to move forward. They might experience fear of a shift in their lives, reflecting on past conversations and questioning if they’re wrong for no longer feeling the same. In other cases, a person might imagine life differently, seeing a positive light at the end of the tunnel.
In some cases, this uncertainty may be a positive occurrence. A sense of a lack of identity after falling out of love might show a person that their identity was too wrapped up in another person or that they were trying too hard to be who their partner wanted instead of being themselves. With time, they may embrace the idea of independence and have more freedom to explore and learn who they are at this point in their life.
Can counseling help heartbreak, hurt feelings, and emotions?
Individual counseling may help improve a romantic relationship by helping a person recognize their role in relationship issues and explore what love means to them. Through individual counseling, a person can learn to communicate more openly, listen better, set and maintain boundaries, and become a healthier partner in their romantic relationship. If a person is unsure whether or not they want to stay in a relationship, counseling may help them reflect on what the relationship brings them and clarify how to move forward.
Couples counseling is another option for mental health and well-being when a person has fallen out of love. Experts suggest that couples counseling can help fading relationships, but therapy is more likely to help if a couple seeks it early on in their troubles. Some research suggests couples wait several years after major problems have occurred in their relationship before they seek couples counseling. Counseling is more effective earlier when both partners are still committed and neither has mentally given up on the relationship.
Couples counseling may encourage people to identify and express the loving feelings they still have for their partner. Therapy can also help both partners recommit to putting in the effort to make the relationship work. Once both partners are committed, they may begin learning to communicate better and problem-solve their conflicts. They may also learn how to avoid behaviors that damage the relationship and gain acceptance of the aspects of their partner they dislike.
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Explore challenges with falling out of love in therapy
If you are in a romantic relationship and believe you might be falling out of love, remote individual or couples counseling may be beneficial. With remote counseling, you can meet with a therapist from your own home or wherever you choose, which may help you feel more comfortable discussing highly personal details of your relationship in sessions. In addition, you can choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions.
A person may experience anxiety or depression while falling out of love. Research shows that online therapy is as effective as in-person therapy in treating anxiety and depression. If you're experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression as you feel love fading in your romantic relationship, consider online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples.
Takeaway
Falling out of love is one of the top reasons married couples divorce. However, if couples work on their problems early, they might not end the relationship due to fading feelings of love. Both individual and couples counseling can help people make changes to improve their romantic relationships or gain clarity when deciding whether to continue or end a relationship. Consider contacting a therapist online or in your area to get started.
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The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
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