What To Do When You Want Love But Can't Seem To Find It
Wanting love is a common experience that many people go through. It can be challenging to cope when you can't find the love you so desire. It may be helpful to accept your desire for love, examine the root of your difficulties, discover new ways to meet people, consider your ideal healthy relationship, and work on yourself as you continue your journey.
Therapy can also be a valuable tool for digging into any limiting beliefs or challenges you may have while looking for love.
If you want love but can't seem to find it or have lost love and feel like you'll never find it again, try not to give up hope. Love can contribute to overall happiness and fulfillment and may be worth seeking out. The five tips below can point you in the right direction and help you find what you're looking for.
Accept that you want to be loved
If one can identify what they lack in their life, they may begin to grow. As you embark on your search for the love you desire, ask yourself, “am I truly craving love, or is it something else I’m looking for?”
If you're sure that what you're craving isn't just physical affection, the need for companionship, or anything else, you may desire love. Some may find it hard to accept that they desire love because of the myth that needing others or wanting love equates to weakness.
Others may believe that they do not deserve to be loved. Perhaps they feel like something they've done, or even something they haven't done is a reason not to be loved. Therefore, they may not be able to accept their desire.
A need or want for love can be completely normal and understandable, and everyone can possess traits, qualities, and inherent value that makes them deserving of love. Sometimes it may help to affirm these points to yourself through positive affirmations. You may try saying some of the following affirmations to yourself each day:
- "I matter in this world.”
- “I am a person worthy of love.”
- “I desire love, and I accept the fact that I do.”
- “This need does not make me weak; I am strong because I know I want love, and I know that I am a person who can be loved.”
- "I want love, and I trust I will find it with time."
- “One day, I will find someone who loves me for who I am."
By reminding yourself of this often, even if you do not believe it now, you may soon come to believe your words and can continue to find the love you want.
Try to find the root of the issue
Do you feel unlovable, or do you believe love is a weakness? Is there something else holding you back? When you meet potential partners, are you being your authentic self, or are you more like an actor putting on a persona?
Once you have accepted that your desire for love and connection is normal, examining the root of the problem may be helpful in moving forward. Your beliefs about yourself and love can impact your behavior and approach to situations and may need to be addressed.
Painful experiences like losing a loved one or childhood trauma can shape your thoughts and ideas. Working to uncover your underlying beliefs may help you make essential changes that can bring you the things you want for yourself, including love. Expressive writing through journaling has been scientifically proven to be mentally healthy, so it may help you to analyze your feelings through this method.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Explore new ways to meet people
Many people who want love try dating apps like Tinder and Hinge, where you can get to know a person through their bio, which often contains photos or even a video, and by sending messages. Although it is possible to find love on dating apps, many people use them as surface-level confidence boosters.
In addition, some people are on dating apps not because they are interested in healthy relationships but instead to find hook-ups. It may be more beneficial to seek out love interests who are looking for the same things you are by exploring other ways of meeting people.
You may wish to participate in community activities, attend events, or join clubs and other organizations instead. Visiting libraries, coffee shops, and similar low-stakes locations to meet people may also be helpful.
Know how you want to be loved in a healthy relationship
As you are searching for love, it may be helpful to ensure you have a solid idea of what healthy relationships look like and what you want and need in a relationship. You might try making a list of the things you want out of a relationship while you wait for it to materialize, as well as your ideas about how a relationship should work. It is better to look for something genuine rather than experience empty love.
Speak with a licensed therapist
Finally, it may be beneficial to work on your behaviors and outlook on life. Perhaps you dislike some of your traits, or maybe there are things you would like to learn to do.
Self-help may help you feel more fulfilled as a person, and it can even help you to be a better partner when love comes your way. By building yourself to be a person you like, the path to finding a healthy, loving relationship may become even more meaningful.
Some research-proven methods of self-care include:
Online therapy can help you navigate your search for love
Therapy may help you manage the complex emotions that can arise with your search for love. If you are uncomfortable discussing these issues in person, online therapy can be an option, allowing you to get the help you deserve from the comfort of your home.
Research shows that online therapy can be beneficial for those experiencing difficult emotions arising from issues with love and relationships. In a comprehensive study published in Behavior Therapy, researchers found that online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) effectively reduces feelings of loneliness. In addition to decreased loneliness, the study noted that participants experienced an overall increase in quality of life and a reduction in other symptoms often associated with depression and social anxiety.
If you hope to reap the benefits of online therapy for loneliness, you may decide to check out the online counselors available on platforms such as BetterHelp.
Takeaway
Many people experience an intense desire for love, but if it seems like you'll never find it, you might experience emotions like sadness, anger, or desperation. As you progress toward finding love, there are a few strategies you can employ that may help.
Accepting your desire for love and examining the root of the issue is a great way to start. Once you feel confident, you can explore new ways to meet people while continuing to think about what your ideal relationship looks like. Throughout the entire journey, you can focus on improving yourself to attract the kind of person you'd love to have as a partner.
If you feel you'd benefit from speaking with a licensed mental health professional about your experience looking for love, then you may consider scheduling an online therapy session.
Why does it seem like I can't find love that’s ready for marriage?
There are numerous reasons why it may seem like you can’t find a partner who’s ready for marriage. Perhaps your point of view is influenced because you feel lonely due to past failed relationships that have negatively impacted your self-confidence and made it more difficult to trust new connections. But if you forget to nurture self-love and personal growth as an individual, you might have trouble attracting a person who is a healthy match for you.
It’s also possible that, deep down, you fear commitment or worry that marriage might make life worse rather than better. You might prioritize money or work instead, leading to missed moments when love could happen.
Is it normal to struggle to find love?
It’s common to feel alone or frustrated when searching for love, and this state of lonelinesscan be additionally difficult if you imagine that everyone else has already found their partner. But in reality, it is important to realize that many people are in the same situation as you.
It’s especially prevalent to have trouble finding love when you are in a phase of personal growth or healing from pain, but such phases can make you a stronger person over time. Society has expectations for finding love by a certain age, but everyone’s lives are different, and love can come at any time.
Why do I want to fall in love but can’t?
When we treat love as a checklist, we forget to enjoy the process of falling in love and write our own love story instead of letting it be written for us. Upon introspection, you might realize that you’re prioritizing the idea of love over genuinely connecting with another person.
Additionally, the effort of opening up emotionally—even to a friend—can be intimidating, especially if giving love to others in the past has brought you pain. If you crave love but feel stuck in your romantic life, it may indicate that self-love is missing from your life. Focusing on loving yourself before you start to love people outside of yourselfcan change this dynamic.
What to do when you don't find love?
Shifting your focus away from needing to find love and turning toward loving yourself can be a great way to find fulfillment in self-care. This way, when love comes, you’re ready to give and receive it wholeheartedly. Self-care can come in the form of a nutritious diet, exercise, spending time with loved ones, trying new things, and getting enough sleep, to name a few. Concentrate on filling your life with joyful moments and strengthen your bond with yourself. Love can happen one night when you least expect it.
Does my craving for love have to do with my mental health?
Craving love can sometimes come from a lack of self-worth or emotional concerns related to needing external validation. These traits can amount to mental health challenges like depression and anxiety. If you have trouble exploring your feelings on your own, consider consulting a licensed mental health professional in online or in-person sessions.
Why am I still single?
If you prioritize elements of your life other than your personal well-being, it could affect your ability to form meaningful connections. Not making an effort to meet people outside of your immediate circle can make it difficult for meaningful connections and, ultimately, love to find you.
If you find yourself in a string of short-term relationships, you may be choosing partners that repeat old patterns and lead to emotional blocks. Past pain can lead to emotional unavailability that can subtly push people away, potentially leaving you feeling lonely in the dating world. Consider taking a break from dating to focus on building up self-love and becoming the right person for a future partner.
What is the normal age for finding love?
Society often pressures people to guess when we “should” fall in love, but these timelines are arbitrary and, often, not correct. Many people find their love later in life after they’ve had the chance to grow into a person who can healthily sustain a committed relationship.
Am I emotionally unavailable?
If you notice that you have trouble being vulnerable and open with people or even distance yourself from others, you may be emotionally unavailable. Emotional unavailability is a common response to having experienced pain in past relationships. Working on self-love and recognizing unhelpful patterns can help open up emotional pathways to healthy interpersonal connections.
Can I talk to a therapist about why I am so emotionally unavailable in online therapy?
Yes, online or in-person therapy is a great setting for working through emotional unavailability and the chain of events that led to it. A licensed therapist can help you understand the underlying factors of emotional availability as they pertain to your specific circumstances, providing strategies to open up and foster intimacy with others.
Why do I lack the feeling of love?
Emotional disconnection can stem from past trauma, negative relationships, or a lack of self-love. Emotional numbness can be tied to similar experiences, including stress and other mental health concerns. If you are constantly on guard in relationships, you might forget what love feels like and why it’s important. When you treat yourself with the love you invite from others, it opens up space for it to happen.
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