What To Do When It Feels Like Love Is Not Enough For Your Relationship

A healthy, balanced relationship can be one of the most fulfilling experiences in life, and healthy relationships are often linked to numerous benefits for health and well-being. However, “love” can be an emotionally and culturally charged word that may mean different things to different people. 

To fully enjoy the experience of loving someone, other important factors, like respect, compatibility, and the willingness to listen to each other’s ideas about money, marriage, and interests, frequently come into play. It can be important to overcome codependency and other unhealthy patterns in relationships, as well as to set healthy boundaries and pay attention to your own needs. A licensed therapist, whether online or in person, can help you address challenges such as developing self-esteem, overcoming codependency, and working through problems with dating, marriage, or even career-related stress.

Is love always enough-and what if it isn't?

Mark Manson, a New York Times bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, examines healthy and unhealthy ways that love can manifest in an article titled "When Love Is Not Enough." 

In the article, the author begins by contrasting John Lennon's song "All You Need Is Love" with the iconic musician's treatment of his wives, children, and associates. By drawing this comparison, author Mark Manson reflects on society's tendency to idealize romantic love at the expense of the actual values, mindset, and behaviors that sustain love. He writes that "love is not enough" to sustain a healthy relationship without mutual respect, trust, and effort.

The author's audiobook with the same title discusses the relationship problems of five people, aiming to garner universal truths about what lies beneath a healthy relationship.  

Manson's relationship advice on love

Under the article's headline "Truths about Relationships," Manson examines some uncomfortable—and potentially painful—paradoxes and "truths" about being in love and choosing a partner. These include the following:

• Being in love doesn't always mean you are compatible. A relationship can be incompatible when your partner’s worldview, values, mindset, habits, and overall course of their lives greatly differ from yours. Couples can also be incompatible if one partner treats the other (or themselves) in a way that doesn't make them feel valued, respected, or heard. 
• Love doesn't necessarily solve relationship issues, despite the best intentions or hopes that it will. The issues will likely still exist until they are addressed effectively.
• Self-sacrifice can be destructive. Some forms of self-sacrifice can be healthy, but sacrifices that negate or ignore what's most important to you or those that compromise your self-respect can be problematic.

The author draws a parallel between a healthy relationship and a solid friendship. Along with the positive expectations of having fun and engaging in open communication, Manson asks readers to consider whether they would tolerate the same behaviors in a best friend as they do in a partner. He argues that for most people in an unhealthy relationship, the answer is no.

The author also points to relationship red flags in the form of tendencies toward codependency.

Codependency 

The American Psychological Association generally defines codependency as "an unhealthy devotion to a relationship at the cost of one's personal and psychological needs." It can occur in any relationship, existing on a spectrum of severity and features. 

Codependency is often associated with lower self-esteem, dysfunctional attachment styles, and a perception of impaired self-control. While it may lead to the showing of empathetic emotions, it has generally not been found to promote connection and well-being.  

Codependency has also been described as an unhealthy relationship dynamic in which the needs of one partner may not be recognized and met. Mental Health America notes that it can be a form of learned behavior, "an emotional and behavioral condition" that often interferes with the ability to have healthy relationships. Some people view it as a form of addiction, insofar as it refers to a tendency to form emotionally destructive or abusive relationships. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Signs of a codependent relationship 

• Equating pity with love or thinking you can "rescue" someone; this may involve believing someone would fall apart without your help. It can also entail thinking you are responsible for someone else's actions or being personally implicated when they act a certain way. Attempts to control their behavior can include ultimatums.
• An intense fear of abandonment or anxiousness about being left, or a fear of being alone
• A sense of being inadequate or incomplete without the relationship 
• Guilt for asserting your needs or desires
• Sacrificing your values, goals, resources, and time with friends or family in favor of the relationship
• Having difficulty identifying your own feelings
• Feeling a need to safeguard your loved one by lying or downplaying their behavior 
• Difficulty establishing boundaries, whether in intimacy or other relationship domains
• Staying in the relationship even after the person has repeatedly treated you poorly
• Experiencing trust issues
• Hearing countless stories from others but feeling trapped in your own narrative
• Often feeling resentful or angry 
• Confusion about what you want to decide for yourself or your life
• Holding onto hope that things will change, despite evidence suggesting otherwise
• Prioritizing the relationship over everything else

Addressing codependency can involve identifying self-defeating patterns by learning about the condition, as well as engaging in individual or group therapy. A person who chooses to undergo therapy may be supported in their exploration of how unprocessed emotions from their early life may influence their current relationship patterns. 

When love is not enough: How to address self-defeating patterns

Codependency tends to be related to the relationship you have with yourself. By placing too much emphasis on the relationship, codependency typically takes away from the time, attention, and care that you could be applying to nurturing your own needs, especially if you've fallen into a pattern of self-neglect over six months or more.

Changing your patterns of thinking and behaving in relation to yourself and others may be key to addressing codependency. In some cases, you might reach a breaking point where you realize something is fundamentally wrong.

Here are some helpful ways to prioritize your own needs: 

• Educate yourself about codependency. For example, if you feel threatened or upset when your partner wants to spend free time alone, you might note that and wonder why this might be the case. It's likely that these types of triggers stem from childhood situations that shaped patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. 

• Identify patterns in your life. Someone who grew up with an overly critical parent, for example, may unconsciously seek out or validate partners who belittle them to recreate a familiar dynamic, even though it may be distressing or cause emotional pain. For someone whose parent was aloof, seeking out attention from a partner who rarely makes time for the relationship may be the norm. 

• Figure out what really matters to you. What are your goals, your values, your interests, and the things that make you happy? Some people find it helpful to take notes in a journal or diary. 

• Reflect on your experiences and how they have shaped your thoughts, beliefs, and behavior. 

• Consider the aspects of a relationship that are the most important to you. Do you prioritize companionship, stability, excitement, intellectual stimulation, fun, passion, sex, and/or loyalty? How has prioritizing one aspect over another led to relationship satisfaction?

Set limits to what is acceptable. Establishing boundaries usually involves asserting your needs and setting limits. Learning to draw this line, which can end a relationship, may be part of reinforcing your boundaries. However, this is an area that many people in codependent relationships find challenging and can sometimes lead to fighting or serious discussions.

Sometimes, learning to love and respect ourselves can be the most loving action to take. 

Benefits of online therapy

Therapy can provide a safe space to support people who are struggling in relationships. The flexibility of online platforms allows individuals to avail of professional help from the comfort of their own homes, whether it’s somebody who is unhappily married or wondering if their relationship is making their life worse.

If you believe you could benefit from therapy to support your goals but find it challenging to attend in-person sessions, online therapy could be a good option for you. In a world where the pressures of daily life can weigh heavily on one's head, online therapy can be a lifeline for those who may feel like they've fallen into a cycle of negativity. It's a valuable resource that should not be sold short when considering options for mental health support.

A platform like BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed therapist from the convenience of your own home. Whether through in-app messaging, videoconferencing, or phone calls, you may explore the concerns that are on your mind in a supportive, non-judgmental environment. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

A growing body of evidence supports the idea that online therapy tends to be just as effective as traditional in-office therapy. For instance, a 2022 study states that client outcomes generally don’t differ between in-person and online therapy.