Finding Authentic And Secure Love: How To Choose Your Relationships
For some, finding a secure relationship can seem challenging. A past of heartbreak or meeting people with the wrong intentions may cause fear of meeting the wrong person in the future. There are ways to build healthy connections with people who sincerely care and have your best interests in mind. Understanding these methods can help you find the most authentic and healthy love. Read further to learn the components of a healthy relationship and how to choose a secure and authentic connection with a potential love interest.
What makes a secure relationship?
To understand how to find healthy relationships, it may be helpful to know what they often include. The following are secure relationship patterns to look for in a partner.
Open two-sided communication
According to studies on marriage and commitment, communication has been proven more important than any other aspect of marriage in increasing marital satisfaction. In relationships where commitment was present and communication was not, marital satisfaction suffered. Communication can be defined as a transfer of information from one person to another that is characterized by an openness in self-expression and mutual understanding.
Having open communication can mean the following:
Being open to hearing what you may have done wrong
Choosing to repair misunderstandings or misgivings
Listening actively when your partner is speaking and allowing them to listen to you when it’s your turn
Offering validation
Assuming the best in your partner unless proven otherwise
Being honest about how you feel
Apologizing sincerely when needed
Setting boundaries when your partner breaks them or is not aware of them
When both partners take the above steps, they may feel more connected and have a healthier bond. In addition, a sense of respect can be gained from valuing one another as equals in conversation.
Secure attachment
The attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, posits four attachment styles. Three styles are insecure and can cause unhealthy and problematic relationship patterns. The other style is a secure attachment, which is often formed by a caregiver who consistently meets a child or infant’s emotional and physical needs with love and care.
As you navigate the world as an adult, your attachment style may impact how you relate to partners in romantic relationships. A secure attachment with a partner can ensure you both know how to set boundaries, care for each other, and care for yourself. This ability can also be known as interdependence. If you do not already have a secure attachment, studies have proven that your attachment style can change over time with professional support, education, and a willingness to change.
Trust
An enormous part of any healthy relationship is trust. According to a study from East Illinois University, 100% of people in relationships value trust with their partners. Despite this factor, infidelity or broken trust can be common in relationships. Finding a partner you can trust is an ingredient for a healthy relationship. If your partner is not open with you, honest about their feelings, or honest about their desires and identities, your relationship may not be healthy.
Open-mindedness
Having an open mind can mean being willing to give a second chance, considering perspectives different from your own, and having honest discussions about what you don’t understand. Relationships can change significantly over time, and being with someone who doesn’t appear open to your changes, or being closed off to the natural growth of a partner, can be a recipe for the end of a relationship in the long term.
Humor and enjoyment
Relationships may not always rely on seriousness. Laughter has been proven to improve mental health and reduce stress. Being able to come home from a long day at work and laugh with your partner and have a friendship can intensify your romantic and sexual bond. In addition, laughing together can brighten your time as you have fun together, creating new inside jokes and enjoying a good life with each other.
How to choose your relationships healthily
As you have read above, healthy relationships can be founded in humor, mutual trust, and understanding based in open, mindful communication and secure attachment. Beyond these attributes, there are a few ways to choose new relationships healthily as you date or look for a partner.
Look for people that love you for who you are
Being authentic can be another ingredient to a healthy relationship. However, outside of being authentic yourself, finding a partner that accepts you and loves you for who you are can be vital. When looking for a relationship, be honest and upfront about your needs and experiences.
If you perceive they are not interested in you beyond the surface, let go and move forward. While ending a relationship can be difficult when you are attracted to someone, be confident in knowing you are on the right track to finding a healthier partnership.
Take your time
Try to take your time when dating new people. Keep in mind that building a trusting relationship takes time to nurture. You may not know that certain aspects of the person you are dating are not acceptable until after you have met a few times. Further, some people may not reveal their true selves and exhibit unhealthy behaviors after a few months.
Physical attraction can be valuable in relationships, but so is mutual respect, trust, and compassion. When you are in the first stage of opening your heart and falling in love, you may not be focused on these deeper details. When you take time to get to know each other, you may be more cognizant of whether you will be happy with this person in the long term.
Examine past patterns that did not work
If there were patterns that did not work for you in past relationships, consider how you might avoid these in the future. For example, if you typically dated emotionally unavailable people to this point, consider looking for an emotionally available partner. If you used to yell in relationships, commit to starting a connection where you do not raise your voice. Anger management classes can help you learn strategies for reducing anger when it arises and avoiding unhealthy anger-motivated behaviors.
Be picky
Know that having standards is normal and healthy when choosing a potential partner. Try not to settle for less than what you want and deserve. If someone checks a few of your boxes but does not align with you on values or another essential area, they may not be the right partner.
Talk to a relationship therapist
As John Mayer sings, sometimes “you love who you love.” Dating and falling in love can be challenging. If you are unsure how to proceed or want to work through relationship traumas and attachment issues before you date, talking to a licensed therapist may be beneficial. A therapist can guide you through techniques for self-authenticity and finding healthy relationships.
Many people want to reach for the support of a mental health therapist but face multiple barriers. These include living in a remote location, personal stigma, financial status, and inaccessible mental health resources. If you face barriers to traditional online therapy, you have the option to work with a provider online through a platform like BetterHelp. Online therapy allows clients to meet from home or anywhere with an internet connection. If you have a busy schedule, you can schedule appointments as needed, with some providers offering sessions outside of standard business hours.
Studies have proven that online therapy can be a valuable alternative to face-to-face therapy. One study found that 71% of clients found it more effective than in-person therapy, and 100% felt it was more convenient for their schedules. Many clients also reported comfort and familiarity with their online provider.
Takeaway
It can be challenging to form healthy and secure relationships, but there are a few aspects of these connections to keep in mind as you date and form relationships with others. Consider contacting a licensed therapist for compassionate support and further guidance. You’re not alone, and healthy relationships can be possible with time.
How do I know if I really love them?
Here are some signs you might be in love:
You genuinely want to learn more about them
You think about them often
You’re proud of them
You have fun together, even when you’re doing something mundane like running errands, watching a movie, or cooking dinner
Your feelings for them deepen over time
Your attraction to them goes beyond their physical appearance
You’re willing to put the work into your relationship and make changes when necessary
You feel safe being vulnerable and open around them
They make your life better
You envision your future together
Love can feel different for everyone. But, overall, you’ll likely have a sense of deep comfort, honesty, compassion, and mutual connection in a loving and healthy relationship.
What red flags should you look out for in a love interest?
Many people use red flags (dealbreakers), yellow flags (warning signs), and green flags (signs of a healthy relationship) as a barometer for relationship health. Red flags may start subtly early in the relationship and become more pronounced as the relationship progresses. They can be difficult to identify when the relationship is new and exciting, so consider taking time to ask yourself whether any of these signs are present:
Love bombing
Jealousy and possessiveness
Controlling behavior
Gaslighting
Putting you down constantly
Criticizing everything you do
Disrespecting your boundaries
Anger issues or abusive behaviors
If any of these red flags are present in your relationship, it may be a good idea to consider consulting with a close friend, attending couple’s therapy, or breaking up.
Why am I attracted to toxic relationships?
Toxic relationships are often romanticized in popular narratives. For example, the relationships depicted in books, movies, and television shows (like Twilight, You, The Breakfast Club, and The Notebook) are often filled with red flags and unhealthy dynamics. These depictions can normalize abusive behaviors, such as jealousy, assault, and manipulation in relationships, which can in turn make them more desirable to their audiences.
Toxic relationships may also be desirable to some because of:
Evolutionary psychology: Evolutionarily, forming bonds with dominant, assertive, or manipulative individuals may have been beneficial.
Remembering the good: Unhealthy relationships often experience cycles of abusive behaviors followed by making up. The “good” times can make it difficult to recognize the abuse or want to leave.
Abandonment issues: The fear of rejection often stems from attachment issues and leaves many people to stay in unhealthy relationships.
Low self-esteem: Toxic relationships can lower self-esteem, making one feel more dependent and in need of validation from one’s partner. Some people in unhealthy relationships come to believe they don’t deserve anyone better than their abusive partner.
If you notice you are repeatedly attracted to toxic relationships, it may be helpful to ask yourself what exactly you find appealing about them. For example, exploring the relationship between your parents or other formative figures in your childhood can provide insight into why you love who you love.
Some people find it useful to journal about the influences that have impacted their desires, and others may choose to work with a therapist to understand their attraction to toxic relationships better.
How do I choose the right partner for life?
Here are some positive signs, or “green flags,” to look for in a partner:
They share your core values, such as trust, loyalty, kindness, religious or spiritual beliefs, politics, or empathy
They prioritize healthy, effective communication even when they disagree with you
There is mutual empathy, respect, and trust
Your friends and family don’t have concerns about the relationship
Your partner makes you feel good and makes life more fun
Ultimately, the right life partner will likely be someone with shared core values, a commitment to you, emotional connection, and romantic attraction.
What’s the secret to lasting love?
Lasting love requires continued work and commitment. Even the strongest relationships tend to experience dips in emotional intimacy and romantic attraction from time to time. But if both partners can do the following things, a long-term, healthy relationship is often attainable:
Use healthy communication strategies, such as active listening
Speak each other’s love language
Be honest
Create space for spontaneity, such as surprising each other with date nights or new activities
Set ground rules for your arguments, avoiding the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling)
Many partners can strengthen the health of their relationship by working with a couple’s or marriage therapist, with 70-80% of couples experiencing benefits from it.
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