Four Common Narcissistic Marriage Problems

People often don't think about narcissistic marriage problems or even realize when they marry someone with narcissistic personality disorder, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. And because those experiencing narcissistic personality disorder may behave in ways that hurt others (or themselves), recognizing the signs of narcissistic behavior may help both parties improve their well-being and confront marriage problems. 

This guide explores what narcissistic personality disorder is and four common problems to watch for if you think you’re married to a narcissist. We've also highlighted things like online therapy that may help you improve your marital relationship or mental well-being if you are married to a narcissist.

What is narcissistic personality disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) affects an estimated 5% of the population in the United States. While "narcissism" is often used to describe someone who is vain, self-involved, or demonstrates arrogant and haughty behaviors, the clinical definition is more complex. According to the American Psychological Association, NPD is associated with:

People living with narcissistic personality disorder may behave, think, or feel in ways that are harmful to themselves or those around them. Signs of being narcissism often don't appear until late teens or early adulthood. In addition, there's no guarantee that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will receive a diagnosis or be aware of how NPD impacts their personality and interactions with others. It may be that friends and family notice grandiose narcissists’ behavior and traits and report it to them.

Understanding narcissistic personality disorder

Marriage often marks the beginning of a new chapter in each person's life, and you'll usually learn new things about their habits and personality with time. If your partner has signs of a narcissistic personality, however, this adjustment process can be more complicated, as NPD is linked to behaviors that may interfere with romantic relationships and create marriage problems. 

Problems from narcissistic personality disorder to look for in your marriage

The personality traits accompanying narcissistic personality disorder might make maintaining healthy marriages difficult. And it can be easy to find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. For example, people with narcissistic personalities can often get others to trust them or believe in their exaggerated sense of importance or success. 

If you believe that your spouse may be experiencing narcissistic personality disorder, it could be time to examine your marriage and potentially discuss the matter with them. You might notice some of these common narcissistic marriage problems. 

1. A need for complete control in the marriage

People with narcissistic personalities might expect constant control in their relationships and marriages. This might look like your spouse trying to manipulate your life or gain power over you in obvious ways. Or, it might include subtle manipulation like gaslighting, blaming, or using sweet gestures or words to guide a situation. A narcissistic partner may also attempt to gain control using guilt. 

2. Competition with children

Usually, partners place their children first when they become parents, but someone with a narcissistic personality may not follow this pattern. Instead, a partner with NPD might compete with their child to be the center of attention while the other parent attempts to mediate. People with NPD may also try to control their children or influence the child's thoughts to mirror their own.

3. Arrogant and haughty behavior

A partner experiencing narcissistic personality disorder may take credit for things you (or both of you) worked to achieve because of an exaggerated sense of self-importance. The spouse with NPD might struggle to acknowledge the reality of their partner’s achievements and not realize they're taking one-sided credit. As a result, they may start an argument or debate if their credit is questioned, as they might feel their spouse is trying to be better than them. This type of narcissism is called vulnerable narcissism and problems may include being extremely sensitive to criticism or negative feedback.

4. Extreme jealousy within the marriage

A partner with narcissistic personality disorder might experience extreme jealousy because they desire to be the center of attention. In addition, they may secretly feel insecure, which can fuel a need for excessive admiration and attention. 

If the partner experiencing NPD believes their spouse is giving love and attention to someone else, even close family, it has the potential to trigger intense feelings of jealousy. They might also become jealous if they feel someone is more fun or more intelligent than they are. This jealousy may lead to arguments between a partner experiencing NPD and their spouse. In severe cases, it may lead to emotional abuse from the narcissistic partner.

Identifying potentially abusive behavior as part of narcissistic marriage problems

Abuse does not happen in all narcissistic marriages, and NPD does not present the same in every narcissistic spouse. It's possible to maintain a healthy marriage with a partner with a narcissistic personality by establishing reasonable expectations. However, those married to someone diagnosed with NPD sometimes experience narcissistic abuse.

This might take the form of verbal abuse. For example, their partner might use verbal abuse to control and intimidate them. Things that fall under the umbrella of verbal abuse can include: 

• Belittling and bullying (alone or in front of others)
• Unfounded accusations
• Placing blame for things that their partner cannot control 

An abusive partner experiencing NPD might act charming to outsiders and behave like a completely different person when you're behind closed doors. In other cases, an abusive partner with NPD might try to control money, food, or affection from their children and use these things to control their spouse's behavior via emotional blackmail. In extreme cases, physical aggression may occur, including throwing things, destroying property, and physically striking their spouse.

How to move forward when married to a narcissist

Relationship and individual therapy may offer effective ways to move forward in a marriage with a narcissist. A trained professional can help identify any issues and provide suggestions to resolve them. In addition, regardless of whether your spouse agrees to couples counseling, you can seek individual counseling for additional help processing your emotions and experiences in your marriage.

There are many different ways to connect with therapists, and research shows that online counseling is just as effective as in-person sessions. Online sessions can also make scheduling time with your therapist easier, and you might feel more comfortable discussing your emotions at home. You can also opt for online couples counseling, which is effective for many relationships. If you are facing abuse or the idea of divorce from your narcissistic marriage, consider seeking support from a family law attorney. 

If you'd like to talk about your experiences with a licensed therapist, BetterHelp can match you with an online professional based on your needs and preferences. You can communicate with your counselor on your time and schedule appointments via phone, in-app messaging, or video. 

All therapists at BetterHelp have at least a master’s degree and three years of experience. BetterHelp’s counselors have helped thousands of people work through their relationship challenges and improve their self-esteem. With an online therapist, you may find that you can break the cycle of narcissistic abuse and begin focusing on your own needs.