Nine DIY Marriage Counseling Exercises To Improve Your Relationship Without Therapy
Every relationship has its challenges. Some couples may be dealing with infidelity, substance abuse, or overcoming the challenges of blended families. Whether you’re happily married, in a long-term relationship, or are looking for ways to overcome a marriage struggle, strengthening your relationship is almost always beneficial.
Therapy exercises to strengthen your relationship
For some couples, this may mean scheduling weekly date nights, surprising each other with gifts, or acts of service. For others, improving a romantic relationship may involve do-it-yourself (DIY) marriage counseling exercises.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
Marriage counseling techniques: An overview
Marriage counselors typically use a variety of evidence-based techniques and exercises during their sessions. These techniques often intend to help married couples build communication skills, deepen their understanding of each other, and work through challenges in a constructive way. While seeking the guidance of a trained professional is usually the best course of action, it's also possible to complete DIY couple therapy exercises at home.
DIY marriage counseling exercises to try at home
Communication can be foundational to a healthy relationship; even small changes to your communication style may help you avoid conflict and strengthen your bond with your partner. DIY couples therapy exercises may help you and your partner approach communication more mindfully and keep love and respect in focus, even when navigating conflict. By dedicating time and effort to these exercises, you can foster a stronger, healthier, and more satisfying marriage with your spouse.
Exercise #1: Conduct daily or weekly check-ins to monitor your partner's mental health
Taking a few minutes each day or week to check in with your partner can help you stay connected and avoid misunderstandings. During these check-ins, ask your partner how their day was, what they are feeling, what their current biggest stress triggers are, and if there is anything they need from you. You can think of it as a weekly CEO meeting, where you and your partner get together to touch base. This can also be a time to express appreciation for each other. It can also be productive to schedule one on one time as a couple to do something enjoyable, particularly if you and your partner have busy schedules that make it difficult to spend quality time together. Consider making a home-cooked meal or planning a weekly date night with fun activities in a fresh environment so you can maintain the romance in your relationship.
Exercise #2: Deepen your friendship with “icebreakers” and couples therapy exercises
While romance may be important to a strong marriage, a strong foundation of friendship and emotional intimacy can help you and your partner stay connected even when you face relationship challenges. Icebreakers offer a way for couples to deepen their understanding of one another through thoughtful or fun icebreaker questions, deeply personal stories, and intimate conversation. This type of productive discussion can help you understand your partner’s thought processes more effectively and can be a fun and intense bonding exercise. You can think of these as team-building exercises for you and your spouse. Something you might want to try is honesty hour when you take turns asking your partner questions and then answering them as honestly as possible. Here are a few examples of questions you might use:
- What is your most treasured memory?
- Would you like to be famous? Why or why not?
- What do you value most in a friend?
- If you could wake up tomorrow with one quality or superpower, what would it be?
- What is your greatest accomplishment?
- Describe the “perfect” day.
- What is your ideal vacation spot?
- What’s your most embarrassing moment?
Exercise #3: Manage conflict with “I feel” statements
When having difficult conversations, there may be moments when you become frustrated by something your partner says or does. However, rather than using accusatory language, consider communicating to your partner about the way their actions affect your feelings by using “I feel” statements.
For example, rather than saying, “You never listen to me,” you might instead say, “I feel unheard when you interrupt me.” By using an “I feel” statement, you are taking ownership of your feelings and expressing them in a way that is less likely to put your partner on the defensive. This can help you and your partner approach conflict in a more constructive way and find common ground.
Exercise #4: Practice mirroring
Mirroring is a couples counseling technique that involves “reflecting back” or repeating what your partner is saying to ensure you understand their perspective. This communication tool can be especially helpful during difficult conversations or conflicts. To practice mirroring, one partner speaks while the other listens and then repeats what they believe they heard. The reflecting partner uses their own words to summarize what was said and check for understanding. The speaking partner can then confirm or clarify any misunderstandings.
This process can help ensure both you and your partner feel heard and understood, which can reduce the likelihood of miscommunication and make sure you don’t go to bed angry. Mirroring exercises can also help you develop greater awareness of how your own words and actions may affect your partner. To make this a more intense exercise, you may also pair mirroring with a close breathing exercise, where you and your partner sit or lay next to each other and touch foreheads while taking long, slow deep breaths in sync with one another.
Exercise #5: Try using active listening
Active listening is a common strategy taught in couples therapy that involves paying attention to what your partner is saying and responding in a way that shows you understand and value their perspective. To practice active listening, make a conscious effort to focus on your partner when they are speaking. Avoid interrupting or talking over them, and try to refrain from formulating your response while they are still speaking.
Instead, listen attentively and ask questions to clarify their point of view. Once they’re finished speaking, summarize what they said to ensure you understand their perspective. This can help you and your partner avoid misunderstandings and approach conversations more constructively.
Exercise #6: Prioritize positive language and interaction
Over time, it can be common for couples to find that their conversations gravitate toward the problems they are experiencing, either in their relationship or in their day-to-day lives. This may lead to negative communication patterns. Marriage counselors often task their clients with finding ways to prioritize positive language and interactions.
This typically involves saying “thank you” or “I love you” more often. It may also mean telling a funny story about something that happened to you or even sending an affectionate text message when you are apart. These small gestures of love and affection can help you and your partner remember your love for one another.
Exercise #7: Initiate physical affection
Physical affection can be an essential aspect of intimacy in marriage and may even correlate to relationship satisfaction. However, it can be easy to overlook physical affection when life gets busy or stressful. Marriage counselors will often recommend that their clients make a conscious effort to initiate physical affection and show one another love through physical touch.
This can include hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, sexual intimacy, or any other physical touch that makes you and your partner feel close and connected. Take time each day to show physical affection, whether it's a quick hug before work or a longer cuddle session before bed.
Exercise #8: Discover your love languages together
One common and effective marriage counseling exercise that involves discussing and implementing love languages into your and your partner’s daily life. The love languages are a set of five categories that describe how people express and receive love. They include:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
To discover your love language together, you want to take an online quiz, discuss your preferences, or speak to a couples therapist with your partner. Then, give each other examples of how you’d like to receive love. Learning each other’s love languages can be a fun and interesting activity that helps you to learn more about each other and forge a deeper connection.
Exercise #9: Show gratitude
Expressing gratitude can be a simple but powerful way to maintain a healthy relationship. Gratitude shows that you notice and appreciate what your partner does for you and recognize the ways they contribute to your life. Research has found that couples who regularly practice gratitude can strengthen the happiness, intimacy, and happiness in their marriage.
Suppose tonight you try to make a conscious effort to notice when your partner helps you in some way, whether it’s a household chore, an errand, or a kind gesture. You may also consider thanking them for the ways they support and provide for you or your family.
Using DIY marriage counseling exercises to strengthen your relationship
In addition to frequent words of affirmation, you can express gratitude through small gestures of kindness, such as leaving a note of appreciation or doing something thoughtful for your partner. Gratitude can help you and your partner foster a more positive and supportive environment in your relationship.
Online marriage counseling for mental health
Couple’s therapy exercises practiced at home can be helpful in improving relationship satisfaction and deepening your connection. In addition, a marriage counselor or qualified clinical social worker can teach you valuable relationship skills and offer personalized advice to help you and your partner build a stronger partnership. Couples counselors are licensed therapists trained to offer guidance to couples through difficult relationships, often through specific frameworks such as emotionally focused therapy, or provide other resources that may help them on their journey.
How to find a marriage counselor
You can find a marriage counselor with an online search or through a trusted online therapy platform like ReGain. Online couples therapy offers a way for couples to attend marriage counseling from the comfort of their home or anywhere they have a strong internet connection. This may be beneficial for spouses with busy schedules, careers that require frequent travel, or long-distance relationships. It may also be ideal for couples who struggle to find childcare for in-person appointments.
Couples may also benefit from individual counseling, depending on the specific problems they’re facing. Through platforms such as BetterHelp, partners can receive personalized, one-on-one attention from a therapist, which could be useful in between or alongside couples therapy sessions.
Does marriage counseling work when it’s online?
Research into the outcomes of couples counseling affirms that it can be highly effective. In fact, about 70-75% of couples participating in emotionally-focused couples counseling (EFT) move from “significant distress” to recovery in 10-12 counseling sessions. EFT is a therapeutic approach that helps couples identify and use their emotions to promote healing and connection within their relationship.
Efficacy of online couples therapy
Furthermore, studies on the efficacy of online therapy consistently show it to be as effective as face-to-face therapy. One study found that couples therapy delivered via videoconferencing was a feasible alternative to face-to-face interventions and improved couples’ relationship satisfaction, mental health, and all other outcome scores over time.
Takeaway
Keeping a relationship healthy takes work, and marriage counseling exercises may offer an effective way to ensure you and your partner maintain a strong union. If you’re experiencing low relationship satisfaction or facing a specific issue in your marriage, it could be helpful for you and your partner to talk to a counselor. Mental health professionals can help you and your spouse address the problems affecting your relationship and give you tools for overcoming them. Online marriage therapy may offer a more convenient and affordable way to attend marriage counseling and learn valuable strategies for deepening your love for one another and your family relationships.
What is the 40 20 40 process for communication?
In couples therapy, the 40 20 40 process is a communication exercise that divides the time spent in therapy into three time slots. Each partner gets 40% of the time to dig deeper and speak about their feelings without interruption, and the final 20 minutes is used to discuss the relationship. This can help partners in romantic relationships get a deeper understanding of how the other partner feels.
What is the 7 breath forehead connection in couples therapy exercises?
The 7 breath forehead connection is a couple therapy exercise designed to increase emotional intimacy and forge a deeper connection between partners. It consists of the couple putting their foreheads together and breathing together for seven deep breaths or up to 5 minutes. This can be a powerful exercise involving synchronized touch and breathing to create a stronger bond.
What should I say in marriage counseling?
There’s no specific script to follow in marriage counseling. Generally, it’s a safe space to discuss your feelings about your marriage openly. Here are some common topics discussed in couples counseling:
Effective communication
Conflict resolution strategies
How to keep the spark alive
Characteristics of healthy relationships
Kids and family life
Goals for the future
Intimacy issues
How to feel connected on busy days
Date night ideas and how to spend more quality time together
The miracle question: “If a miracle happened over night, what would your relationship look like tomorrow?”
Tips for expressing gratitude
How do I have a successful marriage counseling session?
There are several things you can do to ensure an effective couples therapy session that both you and your partner benefit from. For example, consider these common strategies many couples use in in-person and online counseling:
Get on the same page with therapy goals.
Practice active listening.
Engage in self-reflection.
Be willing to explore your feelings on a deeper level.
Make a concerted effort to use “I statements” to improve communication.
Use clear communication when discussing your own needs.
Acknowledge and support your partner’s efforts.
Make eye-contact with your partner specifically and focus on their words.
Follow through on homework assignments such as regular date nights.
What is the 40 40 20 strategy?
In terms of therapy techniques, the 40 40 20 strategy is a technique a couples therapist might use to divide up the therapy session. One partner will speak for 40% of the time while the other listens. Then, the partners will switch roles for the next 40%, and the last 20% is used for the couple to talk together about the relationship. This effective communication strategy can ensure a constructive conversation and make a partner feel heard.
What is the 40 20 work method?
The 40 20 work method is a fitness technique and should not be confused with the 40 20 40 couples counseling exercise.
What is the 4-7-8 technique?
In terms of couples therapy exercises, the 4-7-8 technique is a breathing exercise couples can do together during a rough patch or in times of stress. It consists of the couple sitting facing one another, looking into each other’s eyes, inhaling through the nose together for a count of four, holding the breath for 7 counts, and then exhaling through the mouth for a count of 8.
What is 5 5 7 breathing in mental health?
The 5 5 7 breathing technique is a belly breathing exercise. It consists of inhaling for a count of 5, exhaling for 7, pausing for 5 and then repeating 10 times. This is a general technique that can be adapted by mental health professionals for individual or couples counseling.
What is 711 breathing?
The 7-11 breathing technique is a general technique that a couples counselor or individual counselor may use. It consists of inhaling for 7 seconds and then exhaling for 11 seconds.
What to avoid in marriage counseling?
While you should feel free to discuss any topic with your marriage counselor, there could be a way to discuss difficult topics in a productive manner. Some of these may be common sense, but could serve as good reminders. Generally, you should avoid:
Name-calling or belittling the other person
Blaming or harshly criticizing
Keeping secrets
Using threats or ultimatums
Manipulative behavior
Unwanted physical touch
Stonewalling or being overly defensive
Using your cell phone during sessions
Moreover, Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Method in couples counseling identified six categories of communication in romantic partners that could predict the end of a relationship. These are:
Harsh startup
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Flooding
- Previous Article
- Next Article