Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling Guide
Marriage counseling, or marriage therapy, is a form of couples counseling designed to help married couples work through challenges in their relationship. In most cases, marriage counseling sessions can provide couples with ways to boost their relationship satisfaction, improve their communication skills, healthily manage conflicts, and develop the tools they need to navigate future relationship challenges. The effectiveness of couples therapy has been demonstrated and well-studied.
One study from 2011 found that couples therapy had a positive impact on 70% of couples who received it.
Do I need to go to counseling? A marriage counseling guide
Those who have never attended counseling often want to know what the therapeutic process looks like before embarking on their couples counseling journey. For many couples, it's productive to start by addressing why they (and other couples) want to attend marriage counseling. Read on to learn more in this marriage counseling guide.
Why do couples attend therapy?
There's a common misconception that couples only attend marriage counseling when they are experiencing a conflict, crisis, or other major challenges. However, marriage counseling may benefit any couple, even those who believe they have no challenges to address. Counseling can allow happy couples to further strengthen their bond, improve relationship satisfaction, and learn the skills for managing conflicts that may arise later. These conflict resolution and problem-solving skills can be crucial in navigating potential relationship problems in the future.
Reasons to seek couples therapy
That said, marriage counseling can also be an invaluable resource for couples who are experiencing challenges. Common reasons for seeking couples counseling include:
- An affair or infidelity
- A significant life event, such as a move, a death in the family, a career change, or the birth of a child
- Upcoming marriage (this type of couples counseling is often referred to as premarital counseling)
- Communication issues or other conflicts between romantic partners
- Sex issues, such as a “roommate marriage” or challenges with sexual intimacy
Additional options for couples seeking mental health support
Depending on their reasons for seeking support, a couple may explore additional forms of assistance, such as individual counseling or support groups. Often, addressing personal challenges—such as mental health concerns—with a trained professional through the therapy process can result in personal growth that can positively impact relationship issues as well.
What happens during marriage counseling? Emotionally-focused couples therapy and other marriage counseling techniques
Marriage counseling is generally conducted by a counselor, couples therapist, or other mental health professional specializing in relationship counseling, family therapy, or a related field. During a marriage counseling session, both spouses typically meet with their relationship counselor at the same time to discuss their emotions and any challenges they may be facing in a neutral, safe, and non-judgmental space. This can be an effective way to address serious issues, listen carefully to each other, learn about individual differences, and come up with practical solutions to marriage problems.
A marriage counseling guide: Techniques your marriage counselor may use
Marriage counseling may draw from a variety of different treatment styles. Marriage counseling techniques may include, but are not limited to:
Imago relationship therapy
Also known as IRT, imago relationship therapy focuses on helping couples build empathy and understanding while turning conflicts into opportunities to grow, heal, and evolve. Imago therapy can help partners develop a deeper emotional connection.
Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT)
This form of counseling aims to help couples explore and understand their emotions and how they influence their actions.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
Cognitive behavioral therapy is a type of counseling with the goal of identifying negative beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors and reframing them in a way that is more positive or constructive.
Solution-focused therapy
Solution-focused therapy focuses on the present and future, rather than the past, with the goal of finding solutions to current challenges and misunderstandings. This couples counseling approach can help partners get on the same page and move toward a happy marriage.
The Gottman method
The Gottman Method is a form of counseling that focuses on improving the interactions between spouses and helping them develop tools for managing conflict. This type of counseling can help equip partners with tools they can use in various relationships.
Tailored mental health counseling counseling for married couples
Depending on the needs of you and your spouse, a marriage counselor may employ one or more of these methods. During your first couples counseling session, your therapist will likely ask you questions about points of conflict, past or current challenges, and your common life circumstances; this is often done in order to get a sense of your needs. Understanding your needs allows them to develop a treatment plan after the first counseling session that can address your goals while taking your unique situation into account.
Activities married couples can use to strengthen their marriage
During marriage counseling, your therapist may also recommend supplementary strategies for helping you get the most out of your counseling sessions. One of the most important marriage counseling tips may be complete your “homework” between sessions in order to make the counseling services as effective as possible. These homework assignments might include other mental health services, or other activities intended to be completed between sessions.
Some examples of assignments a marriage counselor might give include:
- Worksheets
- Books to read
- Individual or couples exercises
- Journaling
- Bonding activities
- Although counseling structure may vary from couple to couple, your therapist’s goal is to help you and your spouse strengthen your relationship, deepen your attachment bond, and navigate challenges in a constructive, respectful, and loving way.
Online marriage therapy: An alternative to traditional marriage counseling
For all the benefits marriage counseling can offer, it can come with a hefty price tag. Traditional marriage counseling and premarital counseling can cost upwards of $200 per session and is not typically covered by insurance, making it inaccessible for many couples.
Online couples therapy and marriage counseling guide
In recent years, couples have increasingly turned to online counseling as a cost-effective and reliable alternative to in-person therapy. With prices starting at $65-$100 per week and $260-$400 monthly (based on factors such as your location, referral source, preferences, therapist availability and any applicable discounts or promotions that might apply) to have sessions with a qualified therapist. Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp or ReGain can end up costing couples a fraction of what traditional counseling might cost. Additionally, online therapy may be an attractive option for those who juggle busy schedules, as it allows couples to attend sessions from anywhere via voice call, video call, or instant messaging. This adds an element of convenience that may make it easier to attend therapy sessions consistently.
Does online couples therapy actually work?
Some couples may wonder whether online marriage counseling is an effective alternative to in-person counseling. Studies indicate that it is. According to a 2020 study, couples receiving video call counseling felt a stronger connection to their therapist. Meanwhile, a 2022 study found that couples therapy via videoconference led to similar results as in-person couples therapy.
Takeaway
What should you not say in marriage counseling?
- It may be best to avoid accusatory or absolute statements such as “You always …” or “You never …,” as they can set up the session to be less productive.
- Allow your therapist to guide discussions; they are trained to find a constructive path forward.
- Comments that dismiss mental health concerns that may be impacting the relationship dynamic should be said only when necessary and with tact.
- If there’s a topic that you’re not emotionally ready to discuss, consider saving it for a time when you’re in a more positive headspace.
What questions does a marriage counselor ask?
The exact counseling process will depend on what the counselor detects and what you perceive your needs as a couple to be, but some common questions you may encounter in the first session are:
- “How did you meet?” The counselor will be interested in your background as a couple to try to establish a picture of the foundational elements of your relationship.
- “When conflicts arise in your marriage, how do you deal with them?” This question provides the counselor with a deeper understanding of your daily behaviors and relationship dynamics, and your answer may reveal key points of concern that professional help may assist with.
- “What are some positive feelings you associate with your relationship?” Couples who seek marriage counseling may be deeply entrenched in negative patterns. In asking this question, a counselor is inviting positive memories into the room, fostering a safe space guided by open communication instead of competition and other sensitive issues.
- “What do you hope to achieve through this counseling process?” The right therapist will listen actively to your answer and be sure to tailor their counseling style to suit your needs as individuals and as a couple.
- Depending on your answer to the previous question, the counselor may follow up with something like, “Could individual counseling sessions benefit one partner in addressing personal issues?” This will determine if additional therapy options could boost the couple’s overall well-being.
How long should you do marriage counseling?
How long you should attend marriage counseling depends on the depth of the issues. Some couples see significant improvement within eight to 12 sessions, while resolving conflicts that are more deeply rooted in the relationship may require months or even years. Short-term counseling may be enough for couples interested in improving communication on specific topics. A process that includes weekly in-person sessions and ongoing self-reflection can help couples navigate their own feelings as they move toward a happier marriage.
However, some people decide to attend marriage therapy to support a healthy relationship as a preventative measure. These couples may work with a therapist using established approaches for improving effective communication. This kind of ongoing maintenance can improve emotional intimacy over time, especially during periods of stress or major life transitions.
How do you do marriage counseling?
Effective counseling requires a supportive environment where each partner can share thoughts without fear of judgment. Whether in in-person sessions or online, couples in marriage counseling work to build a deeper understanding of their dynamics and improve communication overall. The marriage counselor will guide sessions, potentially including practical exercises, discussions of day-to-day issues, and therapeutic approaches tailored to the couple’s needs.
Can marriage counseling save a loveless marriage?
Marriage counseling cannot guarantee a happy marriage, but it can help couples explore whether the love they once felt for each other can be rekindled. For some couples, counseling can help uncover underlying issues and encourage positive feelings that restore a sense of intimacy and connection. If both partners commit to the therapeutic process, significant improvement is possible.
How honest should you be in couples therapy?
Complete transparency is necessary for couples to make meaningful progress. Holding back for fear of rejection can prevent full comprehension of the core issues at play. That said, a person can be honest while framing their truth in an empathetic and charitable way; this helps ensure the environment stays open and safe for everyone. It is important to remember that the success of couples therapy hinges on open discussions that don’t feel like attacks.
What are the don'ts of mental health counseling?
Some ground rules include the following:
- Don’t dismiss your partner’s side of the story as incorrect, insignificant, or irrelevant.
- Don’t skip or arrive late to sessions.
- Don’t monopolize conversations or skip over your partner’s contributions to the session.
- Don’t use sessions to fight, blame, or prove that you’re right.
Adhering to these guidelines will help you and your partner have pleasant and productive sessions.
How do you stop feeling attacked in couples therapy?
Therapy can sometimes bring up sensitive topics that leave one feeling vulnerable or attacked. Try to be aware of your reaction and take a moment to process how that reaction makes you want to respond. This can be a great way to remind yourself that you and your partner are both there to grow as individuals and learn communication skills to grow as a couple.
If you are still inclined to respond defensively, ask your therapist for help in guiding the discussion so that it doesn’t become one-sided or confrontational. Remember that couples therapy is about establishing healthy relationship dynamics, even in the face of conflict. Do your best to move forward with empathy.
How do you win at couples therapy?
The goal of couples therapy isn’t to win one over on your partner or the therapist but to work together to build a happier marriage through utmost collaboration and compassion. Even if you don’t agree with what your partner says, it is important to hear them out to be better able to support them. Both individuals must feel heard and respected to create a fulfilling partnership.
Can a marriage survive without counseling?
While some relationships can navigate challenges without professional help, many benefit significantly from sessions with a professional counselor. Especially in couples that struggle with deeply entrenched issues, professional guidance can help break harmful cycles and be a critical push toward emotional well-being in times of stress.
Couples who cannot access in-person therapy due to time or geographical restrictions can seek online sessions, which are often as effective as being face-to-face. With a strong commitment and open communication, a marriage can thrive. In most circumstances, couples counseling can boost returns on efforts sooner than if a couple were to go it alone.
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