“Financial Stress Is Killing My Marriage”: How To Talk To Your Partner About Money

For most couples, financial stability means being in a well-managed financial position that allows them to cover their shared expenses, plan for the future, and minimize money-related stress. However, this type of stability can be difficult to achieve for many reasons, and the challenges couples sometimes face can take a significant toll on their relationship. If worries about money are causing conflict in your relationship, read on. Here, we’ll discuss how financial pressure can impact relationships, the mental health implications of struggling with debt, and what you and your partner can do to get on the same page when managing your finances.

Financial stress is common in marriages

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“Financial stress is killing my marriage”: the impact of money stress on marital relationships  

Stress over finances or trouble handling money-related topics can affect relationships in multiple ways. It can erode intimacy over time, as partners may withdraw emotionally or physically due to the conflict or pressure. It can cause blame and resentment, particularly when one partner makes financial decisions that affect the entire household without collaboration. Other examples of how financial stress can impact relationships include: 

• Increased conflict: Couples who face financial difficulties may argue about spending habits, financial goals, and debt management. 
• Communication breakdowns: Conflict avoidance or strong emotions can make it difficult to talk about and resolve money problems. 
• Loss of trust: If one partner feels the other isn’t being transparent about their finances or is making irresponsible decisions, trust within the relationship can decrease.
• Power inequality: When one partner takes on the majority of the financial responsibility, it can lead to feelings of resentment and unfairness, further straining the relationship. 
• Loss of intimacy: Money conflicts can interfere with a couple’s emotional connection, possibly leading to diminished intimacy and less quality time together.

From your credit card debt to retirement plans: common topics of money-related conflict

Research suggests that roughly 45% of couples argue about money at least sometimes, and nearly one in four say that money is their biggest relationship challenge. How one manages one's money is highly personal and often influenced by background and upbringing. Like other lifestyle choices and goals, differences in attitudes about money can be a “dealbreaker” in a long-term relationship or marriage. 

Common sources of money stress 

Some partners have different financial goals too. For example, one partner might prioritize saving for retirement while the other wants to spend on hobbies or travel. Also consider how a significant gap in income between partners can create power imbalances and resentment and cause arguments over sharing expenses. Unexpected events like emergencies or job loss can also cause financial stress, which couples may have more difficulty coping with if there's money misalignment or problems communicating. 

Mental health implications of money troubles 

Financial stress can take a significant toll on individual mental health. Effects can include fear and worry, which may contribute to or exacerbate anxiety disorders. Feeling overwhelmed by financial burdens can also lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair, which may contribute to or exacerbate depression symptoms. Additionally, economic struggles can create feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy that impact self-esteem. 

When money troubles impact an individual's mental health, it can disrupt their everyday functioning. They might have problems sleeping or eating, or it might impact their professional life in the form of increased absenteeism and decreased motivation or productivity. However it takes shape, money stress can have a ripple effect on an individual's overall well-being. 

Money stigma and self-consciousness about debt or balances of bank accounts

Stigma regarding money is a common challenge. In many cultures, there’s a pervasive belief that financial struggles are a direct result of poor personal management, despite evidence of systemic challenges that often play a major role. 

Plus, research suggests that financial shame may exacerbate financial hardship, leading to a cycle that can be difficult to escape. In addition to (and perhaps because of) feelings of self-blame they may internalize, people are often reluctant to engage in financial transparency with friends or partners. This could be because they don’t want to burden others or were taught growing up that it isn’t appropriate to discuss such matters. 

Regardless of the exact causes, money problems can create feelings of shame and inadequacy, and the fear of judgment can discourage people from discussing financial challenges. To avoid potential stigma, individuals experiencing financial hardship may withdraw from social interactions or hide their problems, leading to isolation, which can exacerbate the difficulties they may be facing. 

How stress over money can affect physical health

Research suggests a bidirectional relationship between stress—including types caused by financial difficulties—and physical health problems. When under stress, the body releases cortisol, a stress hormone, which can lead to various physical effects like increased blood pressure, elevated heart rate, and weakened immune system. While these can be helpful for addressing a direct, short-term threat, a person’s physical health may be affected when this response is engaged long term due to stress.

Here are some other ways that psychological stress can influence physical wellness: 

• Sleep. Worrying about finances can disrupt sleep patterns, causing insomnia or sleep disruptions.
• Medical care. Individuals struggling to manage finances may put off necessary medical care due to cost concerns, potentially worsening existing health problems.
• Digestion. Stress hormones can disrupt digestion, leading to symptoms like stomach upset, nausea, and constipation.
• Pain. Chronic financial worry can manifest as muscle tension and aches and pains.
• Habits. Financial stress can lead people to engage in unhealthy coping behaviors like overeating, smoking, or excessive alcohol consumption.

Fostering financial harmony in your marriage

While it might seem overwhelming, it can be possible to set and meet financial goals with your partner without significant conflict. It may help to acknowledge that your partner might have different financial experiences or values than you, and for you both to be willing to compromise or genuinely empathize with the other’s position. It may also be useful to view finances as a joint responsibility that you address as a team rather than an individual burden or an engine of conflict. 

Open communication about money

As with many issues in a relationship, communication is often key when addressing financial stress in a marriage. Honest discussions about money values, goals, and fears can often be vital to a strong, unified bond. Talking about money can be challenging and may bring up a variety of emotions, but it can be important to not let obstacles or fears prevent an open dialogue.

Why is it so hard to talk about money?

Talking about money can be difficult because it often touches on or relates to sensitive topics like personal finances, past experiences, feelings of control, and self-worth. If the conversation isn’t handled with care, it can lead to hurt feelings and conflict between partners. Some people also feel embarrassed to discuss their income or debts, fearing judgment from others. 

Debt, in particular, can be significantly challenging to discuss. "Debt stress syndrome" is a term that researchers have coined to describe the unique psychological challenges associated with owing money. They report that owing a debt can "imply obligation, dependence, an asymmetric relationship, and relational power asymmetry that undermines mental health.” 

Tips for initiating conversations about credit card debt and other financial issues

If you're uncertain about how to approach conversations with your spouse about finances, you might start by choosing a time when you're both relaxed and can focus on the conversation. You can express your desire to talk about your financial situation openly and then discuss your shared goals and aspirations and work towards a common plan together. In times of disagreement, you might try to approach the conflict with empathy, listening to your partner's perspective and acknowledging their feelings. Once you're on the same page, you could consider scheduling regular “money check-ins” to discuss your financial situation. 

Handling money-related conflict 

Active listening and empathy are often key to managing conflict during difficult conversations about money. You might try to avoid becoming defensive or dismissing your partner's concerns. It can help to be willing to make concessions and find a middle ground on spending habits or financial priorities. Consider aiming to discuss specific financial issues constructively and avoid blame or personal attacks.

When to ask for help managing your bank accounts and your marriage

Some couples may consult a credit counseling service if their debt is overwhelming. A credit counselor can help people negotiate with creditors to reduce debt and develop an affordable repayment schedule. Be sure to choose a reputable agency, however, and be clear on any fees or impacts to your credit score that may result from working with them before you sign a contract. You might also consider meeting with a financial advisor, who can help couples identify and address specific problem areas causing money issues, create a financial plan, and work toward their financial goals. 

The role of marriage counseling in financial stress

A marriage counselor can provide couples with a safe space to discuss financial concerns without judgment, facilitating open communication and helping partners find solutions together. A couples therapist might also encourage communication about sensitive topics such as unresolved past trauma or negative experiences that may influence how a person approaches finances. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Couples may feel more comfortable uncovering the emotional reasons behind financial behaviors like excessive spending or extreme saving in therapy. A therapist may also be able to help couples create a more equitable dynamic in situations where one partner might have more control over finances than the other. Additionally, a marriage counselor can help partners through conflict associated with different financial habits and expectations. Finally, financial therapy can help couples learn how to discuss money openly and respectfully, including listening to each other's perspectives without defensiveness. 

Financial stress is common in marriages

Get help in couples counseling

Fitting therapy into your budget when you feel that “financial stress is killing my marriage”

Couples with financial problems may not seek the therapy they need to navigate conflict and cultivate healthy communication because they assume marriage counseling is unaffordable. In such cases, teletherapy can be a convenient and more affordable solution.

Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples is often more affordable than traditional in-person treatment without insurance coverage. Some platforms offer financial assistance for those who qualify as well. Many couples also find virtual therapy to be more convenient than in-person therapy, since each partner can attend sessions from anywhere they have an internet connection.

A growing body of research suggests that online therapy can be an effective approach for addressing financial stress. For example, researchers from the UK and Ireland monitored participants in a four- to eight-week online CBT intervention tailored to help people cope with mental health challenges caused by financial stress. Their findings suggest that the individuals who participated displayed “statistically significant improvements in symptoms of depression and anxiety and improved perceived financial well-being” after completing the program.