Are You Married To A Narcissist (Someone With Narcissistic Personality Disorder)?

How to know if you’re married to a narcissist

How do you know if you are married to someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)? NPD requires diagnosis from a licensed mental health profession, but if you suspect your spouse has NPD or narcissistic tendencies, there may be some signs to indicate this may be the case. In addition, you might need to learn the distinction between someone with NPD or narcissistic tendencies and someone who engages in narcissistic abuse. 

While marrying someone with NPD can come with its own unique challenges for both you and your spouse, these can generally be overcome with the right tools and support. However, if your spouse engages in abusive behaviors, such as manipulation tactics or subtle threats, you may need to leave the relationship and seek professional help.

What is a narcissist?

Does your marriage need help?

Talk to a relationship counselor

Narcissistic personality disorder should not be confused with the colloquial definition of narcissism, which is generally used to refer to people who are self-absorbed or vain. 

Officially, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person feels an extreme sense of self-importance and a strong need for admiration, to the point where it has significant negative effects on themselves and others. A person affected by NPD may seek admiration from others as a result of low self-esteem, and while their behaviors may sometimes be harmful to others, they are often in need of help and support just like anyone who has been diagnosed with a mental health condition.

Narcissistic characteristics

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, people with NPD also might struggle with feeling empathy for others, or may have difficulty prioritizing anything other than their own desires. Some of the narcissistic traits, symptoms, or behavior to look for might include:

Signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

For many people with NPD, feedback, even constructive feedback, may be difficult to take as all criticisms feel like a personal attack.

This is like symptoms shown in people with social anxiety disorder and the two may be confused with one another. In NPD this feedback generates a “how dare you question me,” response, whereas with social anxiety disorder, it is a feeling of embarrassment.

Marriage and narcissism 

There may be some tell tale signs that you have a narcissistic spouse. A narcissistic partner may struggle to value your wants and needs, believe that any issues are always someone else’s fault, and have poor boundaries. Narcissists tend to only consider their own feelings, which can be detrimental to any intimate relationship. 

Identifying narcissistic behavior

Narcissists tend to exhibit the following behavior: self-centeredness, excessive need for attention and praise, lack of empathy, haughty behaviors, make negative comments about you, and more. Narcissistic traits can be harmful to both you and your partner, and you may need to seek therapy to deal with these behaviors.

If you are in a narcissistic marriage or narcissistic relationship, you may be unhappy with how your partner treats you. However, many people with NPD are capable of having healthy relationships, including healthy romantic relationships. This may be especially possible with the help of couples therapy.

Narcissism in a relationship may become a form of abuse. In fact, studies show that being married to someone who has NPD can create negative effects including feelings of anxiety, fragile self-esteem, and depression. 

Managing a relationship with a narcissist

Being married to a narcissist can impact your emotional well-being. It can become physically and emotionally exhausting to attempt to build up a partner or family who does not take interest in you and it can leave you feeling depressed, inadequate, lonely, and with challenges with self-esteem and self-worth.

The partner with NPD may give you the silent treatment and constantly demand that you build them up so they feel safe, but they may not be reciprocal with their words or behaviors. They may also engage in manipulation tactics and make you feel responsible for their behavior. 

So how do you know if your marriage is creating these negative feelings? The first step could be to take an inventory of your life and what makes you happy. Being married to a narcissist could mean your focus would be on making them happy, not yourself, so things that you did in the past that made you happy might have fallen to the wayside.

Stay connected with trusted friends and family

By continually working to make your partner happy and ignoring your own needs, you may feel neglected, leading to lower self-esteem and self-confidence. Because a person with NPD might try to take over all your time and exclude friends or family, you may become isolated and start to believe that you are no longer important. This can lead to depression, although one may not realize that at first.

In the beginning, you may start to feel agitated or anxious about not talking to friends or family on a regular basis, but you may still "be in love" with your partner and write off negative feelings as just part of growing into marriage. However, you may come to realize that your current situation is not a healthy marriage.

If your partner is telling you that you cannot have time with your friends and family, reach out for help. Isolating you from loved ones is a manipulation tactic often employed by abusers. You should always be able to communicate with your family and friends and feel connected to them. Love and support from family members can be beneficial to your mental health. By focusing on other healthy relationships, you may be in a better place to either mend your relationship with your spouse or look for a way to move forward. 

Make sure you listen to yourself

Listen to your body – it knows when something is wrong and might let you know in various ways. Not only can you experience mental and emotional pains from being in a relationship with a person with NPD, but you can also experience physical pains. Stress and anxiety can have dire effects on the body.

Prolonged stress can create frequent headaches, stomach aches, body pain, lower immune system, and sexual dysfunction.

Effects of stress

If you are starting to feel physically ill and a doctor cannot find a medical cause, you might want to consider reaching out to a counselor to discuss how you have been coping with stressors in your life. 

Learning how to effectively cope with the stressors of being in a relationship with an individual with NPD can help strengthen you mentally. Talking through your feelings, learning how to communicate effectively with your partner, and learning how to triage stressful situations can all help you both physically and mentally.

A relationship with someone who does not respect your needs and feelings may not be healthy and you should consider speaking to someone about taking care of your own needs and future. If you do not want to see someone in person, there are numerous websites that offer online counseling where you can have conversations with a licensed mental health professional or support groups.

Many of them have face-to-face online meetings, telephone therapy, or live chat with a certified counselor. NPD has also been linked to an increase in physical violence and aggression, including domestic violence.

If you worry that you are managing domestic violence, then please reach out to the Domestic Violence Hotline as soon as it is safe to do so. The hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). 

BetterHelp online therapy can improve mental health

BetterHelp has over 25,000 licensed professionals available to talk to, as well as chat rooms that you can join. It is important to make sure your needs are taken care of. Therapists at BetterHelp often have a master’s degree or higher, in addition to extensive experience, and you can find a therapist with specific experience with NPD or narcissistic abuse. 

Studies have shown that 95% of couples who engage in online couples counseling consider it helpful. Surveys with couples who engage in online therapy also reveal that many people are open to things that they otherwise might not tell when it is via online mediums.