Marriage Counseling After Affair: How To Survive Infidelity

Below, you’ll find a guide to marriage therapy for couples who would like to work towards a healthier relationship in the aftermath of an affair. We will explore the role of a couples therapist, the goals of therapy following an affair, and the benefits of discernment therapy for couples wondering whether to continue their relationship.

Understanding the role of a relationship therapist

Many marriage therapists specialize in helping couples navigate infidelity and may refer to the process as infidelity therapy. They may help you and your partner through the process of acknowledging the situation and accepting responsibility and provide guidance on how to rebuild trust, improve communication, navigate complex emotions, and rebuild intimacy. It can take time to move forward and experience emotional safety, but it can be possible to restore trust in a relationship, even if affairs have taken place.

How marriage counseling after an affair can help

Acknowledgment and acceptance in marriage counseling after an affair

The first goal of the therapy process is acknowledging and accepting the pain and hurt caused by the affair. This may involve discussing the extent of the affair and having difficult conversations to understand why it happened. Sometimes, an affair may take the form of physical intimacy, while in other cases it may be a long-term emotional affair. No matter the nature of the affair, it may be beneficial to begin therapy with honesty and transparency. 

Rebuilding trust

Rebuilding trust is another critical component of the therapy process after infidelity. Trust is foundational to any successful relationship, and it’s often common for the betrayed partner to have difficulty trusting their spouse after infidelity. It may feel impossible to trust their partner anymore. However, therapy can help identify ways to rebuild trust. This often includes:

• Practicing transparency and honesty
• Setting boundaries
• Being accountable to each other
• Showing remorse or forgiveness
• Making and keeping promises

Improving communication

Infidelity can damage communication between partners. In some cases, lack of communication may be a contributing factor to the decision to engage in an affair, so restoring healthy communication is often an essential component of affair recovery. Your therapist can help you identify unhelpful communication patterns in your marriage and provide you with effective tools and strategies for improving communication. This may include:

• Active listening
• Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements
• Using mirroring exercises
• Prioritizing positive language and interaction
• Practicing empathy and understanding 

Your therapist can help you and your partner understand the importance of listening and acknowledging each other's feelings and perspectives, even when disagreements arise. This can help you make sense of difficult conversations, and these skills can be helpful in other relationships as well. Your couples therapist may assign at-home exercises for you to practice the communication skills learned in couples therapy within your marriage and follow-up with you after at your next appointment.

Emotional healing and affair recovery

When a marriage is damaged by infidelity, it can cause significant emotional trauma. After an affair, it can take time and effort to work through the emotional pain, and some individuals may experience mental health issues, such as anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder, after the initial shock. In the aftermath of such an experience in marriage, individuals may find that they need support to move forward. If you are experiencing mental health disorders after infidelity, it may be helpful to seek individual therapy and practice self-care, in addition to attending therapy to address concerns that arose after the betrayal within your marriage.

If you are feeling emotional distress related to an affair after it has impacted your marriage, a couples therapist can provide a safe space to process feelings after the event openly and honestly. This can be helpful in identifying the root causes of emotions so that you and your partner can work towards a deeper understanding of each other’s emotional responses after the betrayal. Maybe you feel guilty, or perhaps your partner is experiencing regret about what occurred after the affair began. It can be beneficial for each person in the marriage to fully understand how their partner feels and what they would like to happen after such a challenging experience to rebuild the marriage.

Your therapist may offer guidance on effective coping mechanisms and strategies for dealing with emotional triggers that arise after an affair, and mediate difficult conversations that may emerge after trust has been damaged. Emotional healing after an affair in a marriage takes time, and a therapist can help both parties to be patient and compassionate with themselves and with each other throughout the healing process, working towards a stronger marriage after the pain.

Rebuilding intimacy

In some cases, a breakdown of intimacy may contribute to the decision to become involved in an affair. In other cases, the affair itself may be a factor in the lack of physical and emotional intimacy between partners. A couples counselor can help you identify and understand any such issues and work towards rebuilding your connection.

Sometimes, intimacy naturally returns to a relationship as the healing process takes place and trust and communication are restored. However, this may take time, and a marriage counselor may be beneficial as you work towards restoring intimacy. They can offer techniques for improving physical intimacy, such as learning to express your needs and desires openly and exploring new ways to connect with each other physically. They may also guide conversations aimed at deepening your emotional connection with one another.

How long does therapy take after an affair?

The duration of therapy after an affair tends to vary depending on the severity of the infidelity, the willingness of both partners to participate, and the progress made during the sessions. Therapy after infidelity can last anywhere from a few months to a year or more. 

In affair recovery, marriage counselors tend to help couples work through their issues in stages. The initial phase of therapy often focuses on addressing the immediate problems related to the affair, including identifying any underlying marital issues and establishing healthier communication patterns with the goal of restoring trust. As progress is made, the focus may shift towards rebuilding intimacy and strengthening the relationship. 

Ultimately, the length of therapy will depend on your unique needs and circumstances. It may be important for you and your partner to prioritize any take-home work your therapist assigns, as this can help expedite the healing process. 

Discernment therapy when considering divorce

Clarify your options

Discernment therapy can help you and your partner explore all possible options. This typically involves deciding whether to stay in the marriage, take a temporary break, or begin the process of divorce. The counselor will help you understand the pros and cons of each option and guide you through the decision-making process. Ultimately, the couple decides the outcome, but the counselor can guide them through the process.

Identify patterns

A discernment counselor can help you identify the patterns in your relationship that have contributed to the current situation. This can help you gain a deeper understanding of the root causes of your marital issues and provide insight into what changes need to be made.

Create a plan in marriage therapy

Once you have made a decision about the future of your relationship, your counselor can help you create a plan for moving forward. This may involve working on specific issues in the relationship, seeking individual therapy, or taking a break from the relationship to gain clarity and perspective. A therapist may also be helpful for mediating difficult discussions surrounding the decision to divorce or separate, such as those involving children. 

Reduce conflict in couples therapy

Discernment therapy can help reduce conflict between partners by providing a safe and neutral environment for communication. A discernment counselor can help you and your partner express your feelings and needs in a constructive way and work towards finding common ground. 

Improve communication

A discernment counselor can also help improve communication between you and your partner as you make important decisions about your future. By learning effective communication skills, you can better understand each other's perspectives and work towards a mutually beneficial outcome.

Is relationship therapy effective?

Couples counseling has been shown to be effective in improving marital satisfaction between couples. Many couples find that it helps them improve communication skills and deepen their understanding of one another, which may be beneficial for avoiding conflict and working through it in a healthy way when disagreement arises. However, if you are experiencing abuse or domestic violence, it's important to consider other interventions.

Finding a therapist after an affair

If you are interested in starting therapy after an affair, you may search for a marital and family therapy practice in your area. Alternatively, it may be worth considering attending therapy sessions through an online couples therapy platform such as Regain. 

Online couples therapy

Virtual therapy has been shown to be just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy, and it tends to be more affordable and convenient. It may be beneficial for couples who are in long-term relationships or find it difficult to find childcare. Couples who work busy schedules that make it challenging to get to appointments may also prefer online therapy.