How To Divorce A Narcissist: Mental Health Tips For Navigating Narcissistic Traits
Narcissism refers to a set of characteristics that can cause individuals to act primarily in their own interests, often to the exclusion of the needs of others. Narcissistic traits can cause people to struggle to foster healthy relationships. They can also create significant challenges for the partner of an individual who exhibits them—even after the two have decided to part ways.
If you’re going through the divorce process with a spouse who has narcissistic personality traits, there are several steps you can take to protect your mental health and potentially avoid being manipulated. Here, we’re providing an overview of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), discussing the challenges of divorcing someone with NPD—sometimes referred to as a narcissist—and outlining tips for navigating the process in a healthy way.
Understanding narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder
You’ve likely heard the word narcissist used frequently to refer to people who exhibit selfish or entitled behavior. While many people display narcissistic traits occasionally, excessive self-centeredness may be a sign of a mental health condition.
An overview of narcissism
Narcissism is a personality type characterized by a high degree of self-interest and an outsize perception of one’s own importance. There are various traits that may be associated with narcissism, including a reduced capacity for empathy, desire for praise, propensity for manipulation, sense of entitlement, inflated self-perception, and general self-absorption.
What is narcissistic personality disorder?
When an individual exhibits excessive, recurring signs of narcissism, they might be living with a mental health condition called narcissistic personality disorder, though only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose this condition. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is one of the cluster B personality disorders: a group of conditions marked by emotional instability and volatile behavior. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), an individual may be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder if they present with at least five of the following symptoms:
- Grandiosity, as evidenced by an overestimation of accomplishments or belief in one’s superiority
- Excessive focus on achievement, power, and attractiveness
- Belief in one’s uniqueness
- Desire for adulation
- Feelings of entitlement
- Absence of empathy
- Feelings of envy
- Displays of arrogance
While not every person who exhibits narcissistic traits will meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD, even just a few of the above symptoms can create significant interpersonal challenges.
How narcissism can impact a divorce or child custody case
Given their propensity for emotional volatility and desire for control, a narcissist may feel especially wounded by the initiation of a divorce—particularly if they are resistant to the idea. If they are used to manipulating their spouse, they may do everything that they can to hold on to that control. Narcissistic manipulation tactics can involve threats, emotional appeals, and/or aggression—all of which are meant to force the other person to do what they want.
A common tactic used by narcissists is love bombing, where they provide excessive affection, gifts, and expressions of adoration. Love bombing often occurs after a narcissist has hurt their spouse, whether through controlling behavior, demeaning remarks, or other means. It can be a way of engaging in further manipulation so that they can continue to control their significant other, who may struggle to catch up with the changes in behavior.
Considerations when divorcing a narcissist
Knowing what to expect when divorcing a narcissist may help you reduce your risk of being manipulated by them. The following are potential challenges to keep in mind as you go through the divorce process.
Manipulation of you or your children
There are several ways a narcissist may try to control you during divorce proceedings. They might engage in emotional abuse by trying to make you feel scared, angry, guilty, or sad. They may cry, raise their voice, or talk down to you. They may also engage in love bombing, gaslighting, or projection.
When attempting to assert their dominance, a narcissistic parent may try to manipulate your child or children as well. They may try to turn your child against you by talking about you in a negative light or making them feel guilty for wanting to spend time with you.
Anger and threats
Knowing how narcissistic rage and bullying can manifest may help you avoid engaging when it occurs. A narcissist’s emotions can be particularly strong during custody disputes and other divorce proceedings. These feelings may manifest as anger and threats. They may say that they’re going after more money in the divorce settlement or dragging the process out just to spite you.
How to divorce a narcissist: legal guidance, child support, and other considerations
If you’re concerned about the above behaviors occurring when you divorce a narcissistic spouse, there are several steps you can take that may help protect you and your child or children. The following are tips for divorcing a narcissist.
Establish and enforce boundaries
Creating healthy boundaries can help you set the tone for the divorce and avoid overreach on the part of your spouse. Your boundaries may apply to several different spheres of life, such as communication, money, co-parenting duties, and physical interactions.
For example, you may tell your spouse that you would like for any discussions to be solely focused on the logistics of the divorce and not the subject matter of the case. This type of boundary may help you avoid litigating your divorce outside of official proceedings without the presence of your attorney.
Seek legal guidance on how to divorce a narcissist
A competent divorce attorney can be a key member of your support system as you navigate a divorce with a narcissist. A lawyer can take care of a substantial portion of the paperwork, which can be difficult to parse without a legal background. They can also negotiate on your behalf, taking some of the pressure off of you. You may be able to find a lawyer who has experience working with narcissistic individuals in divorce proceedings.
Stay organized
As you go through the divorce process, try to keep track of important financial records, such as bank and credit card statements, insurance policies, utility bills, and lease/sale documents. Keeping documents on bank accounts, assets, etc., can help simplify the logistics of the divorce process and also bolster your case should you need proof of financial abuse or other forms of manipulation.
Ensure child support payments are fair
If you and a narcissistic spouse have children, one of you may have primary or sole custody, which means the other might be required to pay child support. While your lawyer can negotiate a beneficial child support settlement on your behalf, your spouse may still attempt to manipulate you into coming to an unfair agreement.
For example, if you gain sole custody, your spouse might try to intimidate you into agreeing to a lesser amount through threats, emotional appeals, or belittling statements. Letting your attorney negotiate for you may help you avoid manipulation and other narcissistic behavior that can impact the final result.
Addressing narcissism in relationships with mental health care
Going through a divorce or child custody case can be emotionally challenging. Doing so while interacting with an individual with narcissistic traits can cause further distress, potentially leading to symptoms of mental health conditions like depression or anxiety. If you’re experiencing mental health concerns while divorcing a narcissist, consider working with a therapist.
Mental health therapy during divorce or child custody cases
Psychotherapy can help you process difficult feelings regarding a divorce, learn more about narcissistic personality disorder or signs of abuse, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. A therapist can provide you with emotional support and help you manage stress or any other mental health challenges that may arise out of a divorce.
A commonly used talk therapy approach is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which focuses on the connections between an individual’s actions, thoughts, and feelings. Using CBT principles, a therapist can help you identify and shift negative thought patterns that may be underlying symptoms of anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges.
For example, you may realize that you’ve been manipulated by your narcissistic spouse to believe you’re the only person at fault for the divorce, which is causing you to feel guilty and anxious. By reframing that thought pattern more realistically, you may be able to alleviate the negative emotions that are associated with it.
How online therapy can help
If you’re busy working through the logistics of a divorce, you may not have time to commute to a therapist’s office and sit in a waiting room each week. In such situations, online therapy can be a more flexible, convenient method of care that can help you process a divorce from a narcissist.
Seeking support from an online therapist while divorcing a narcissist
With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist from a large team of mental health professionals, increasing your chances of connecting with someone who can address your specific concerns regarding divorce, narcissism, or related challenges. You can then meet with them remotely from anywhere you have wifi. Your therapist can also connect you with useful resources, such as informational articles on narcissistic personality disorder.
The efficacy of mental health care through online therapy
Research suggests that online therapy may help individuals process the emotional challenges of a divorce. For example, in one randomized controlled trial, researchers suggest that online therapy led to reductions in distress, loneliness, and embitterment as well as improvements in quality of life in participants going through a divorce. These results can be added to those of an increasingly large number of studies pointing to the efficacy of online therapy for addressing a variety of mental health concerns.
Takeaway
Parting ways with someone who has narcissistic traits can be a challenge, as many narcissists tend to have strong emotional reactions, unrealistic demands, and/or an inability to respect boundaries. By understanding their potential manipulation tactics, utilizing legal support, and enforcing your boundaries, you may be able to limit the negative effects of narcissism. If you’d like mental health support as you navigate a divorce, consider meeting with a therapist. With the right help, you may be able to move forward and continue down the path to mental wellness.
What do narcissists do after divorce?
While no two people react in the same way following a divorce, narcissists tend to follow a pattern in how they experience the world and behave. Narcissists generally look for ways to have control over others. After a divorce, this may look like finding small ways to have financial control or make their ex feel financially bound. They may try to make their ex pay attorney fees or other legal fees. In general, a narcissist may seek control over the legal process.
How hard is it to divorce a narcissist?
Divorcing a narcissist can be challenging for numerous reasons. Those filing for divorce may have to go to great lengths to avoid narcissistic abuse. This may involve planning for attempts to stall the divorce process.
What are the 5 things to never do after breaking up with a narcissist?
After breaking up with a narcissist, you might try to avoid the following behaviors that could end up harming you.
1. Don’t agree to couples therapy. Once you’ve made your decision, a narcissist may try to get you to try couples therapy. They may try to manipulate you and say that you didn’t give the relationship a chance.
2. Don’t agree to be in a room alone with them. A narcissist may sometimes become physically violent. Post-separation abuse can be common among those who are used to being in control.
3. Don’t offer financial assistance. A narcissist may try to make you feel guilty in order to obtain money from you. Even if they don’t need the money, they may want you to experience financial hardship so that they can control you.
4. Don’t try to remain in contact. You might feel guilty after a divorce with a narcissist, in part as a result of manipulation. However, remaining in contact may just keep you feeling guilty and may make it difficult to look after your mental health and well-being.
5. Don’t reveal information if you start dating someone. A narcissist typically has an inflated sense of themselves. They may feel entitled to know everything about someone that you start seeing romantically.
How do you tell a narcissist you want a divorce?
Before telling a narcissist you want a divorce, you may benefit from speaking with a loved one to create a plan in case you feel in danger. You might consider writing down and/or rehearsing what you want to say and then tell a loved one where you plan to have the conversation. It may be best to be firm and plan for attempts to blame you for the divorce.
How do you outsmart a narcissist in a divorce?
Outsmarting a narcissist in a divorce may prove difficult. You might start by trying to prepare for arguments that place the blame on you. A narcissist may try to gaslight you and make you feel like you are in the wrong. You might also expect toxic behavior like trying to get mutual friends to go against you. They may seem to have extreme confidence in dealing with friends and family despite experiencing fragile self-esteem. You may benefit from speaking with a therapist and with an attorney who has experience in family law, specifically with narcissist divorce cases. A therapist may be able to help you and your children cope with the emotional challenges of divorce.
Is divorcing a narcissist worth it?
Divorcing a narcissist can be worth it if your physical or mental health are in danger. Physical violence can be common in people who demonstrate self-importance and feel the need to exercise control over others. Even if a narcissistic spouse wasn’t formerly violent, the emotions often involved in a divorce may lead to violence in some cases.
What is the fastest way to divorce a narcissist?
The fastest way to divorce a narcissist may be to get help from an attorney who can handle all communication. Also, you may find it helpful to speak with a licensed therapist who has experience helping people who are divorcing someone with this mental illness. A therapist might offer strategies to help you avoid tactics to stall the divorce, such as guilt-tripping you about children or financial burdens.
How long does a marriage last with a narcissist?
Marriages with narcissists can vary in duration. While some narcissists may only have short-term relationships, others marry someone who stay with them long-term despite the emotional repercussions.
Do narcissists feel anything after a breakup?
Some narcissists may feel a sense of loss after a breakup. However, narcissists tend to be self-centered, so their sense of loss may be related to losing something or someone that they could manipulate to get what they wanted.
How does a narcissist handle a breakup?
Narcissists may handle a breakup by putting up a fight at every stage. They may try to make their ex feel guilty for the end of the relationship. This can be a pattern in troubled relationships involving narcissists.
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