How To Move On After Divorce: Processing Complex Feelings Related To Your Marriage
The period following a divorce is a time of transition that’s often characterized by uncertainty, confusion, and challenging emotions. Feelings of regret, guilt, or sadness can make it difficult for many people to move forward after the end of their marriage. However, there are several steps individuals can take to work through these feelings, navigate the challenges of divorce, and embrace their next chapter in life. Below, we’re discussing potential obstacles and complications in processing the end of a marriage and providing tips for moving on after divorce.
Why it can be hard to move on post-divorce
A divorce can be an upsetting development in an individual’s life. Many people struggle to understand why their marriage ended, particularly if the divorce was unexpected. Others may still feel attached to their former spouse. Still others may be coping with low self-esteem or effects of trauma caused by years in an unhealthy marriage. In any case, the following can make it harder to move on after a marriage ends.
Rumination
It’s normal to try to analyze the circumstances that led to a divorce. You may wonder what you could’ve done differently or struggle to understand why the relationship ended. Ruminating and overanalyzing can lead to negative feelings and make it hard for you to engage with life in a healthy way.
Lingering feelings
You and your former spouse likely shared affection, intimate moments, and sensitive details about your lives. You probably made important memories together, which may be top of mind following a divorce. It’s normal, then, to still feel connected to an ex. Lingering feelings can make it hard to get over a former partner, potentially causing you to wonder whether you made a mistake or to experience strong feelings of grief.
Sudden or unexpected divorce
People whose divorces are expected or protracted can often grieve over time as the relationship gradually ends. Individuals faced with an abrupt divorce, however, do not have that opportunity. If your significant other left unexpectedly or abruptly, you may struggle to understand what happened. This confusion—and the complex feelings that can accompany it—may make it harder for you to process the event and move forward.
Continuing interactions
It may be difficult to distance yourself from your former spouse if there are children involved, you live in the same area, or you’re in close contact for other reasons. Seeing your ex frequently can be a consistent reminder of the end of your marriage, potentially contributing to difficulty moving forward.
Abuse or other trauma
If your spouse impacted you in a severely negative way, it may take longer to recover from the marriage and process the divorce. Spouses who were emotionally or physically abusive could leave their partner with trauma to address after they part, often in addition to low self-esteem, physical injuries, and/or mental health conditions.
Grieving the end of a marriage
As with individuals who have experienced the death of a loved one, people who have been through the divorce process might go through some stages of grief. The end of a marriage can be accompanied by painful feelings of loss, sadness, and longing, but for many, the grieving process eventually leads to healing and acceptance. That said, some people can have trouble progressing through the unique phases of their grief, making it harder for them to move on from their former marriage.
The stages of grief
According to the Kübler-Ross framework, there are five common stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Here’s what these can look like in the context of divorce:
- Denial: Individuals may refuse to admit that their divorce is final, or they may persistently believe that they’re going to get back together with their former spouse.
- Anger: Feelings of animosity may manifest as blaming or negativity. Anger may also be directed at oneself.
- Bargaining: An individual may ask their ex what they can do to get back together, or they may appeal to a higher authority to intervene.
- Depression: Feelings of hopelessness and sadness can occur as it becomes clear the relationship is over, which may or may not escalate into clinical depression.
- Acceptance: The person makes peace with the divorce, perhaps even viewing the marriage and their former spouse in a positive manner.
The grieving process is different for everyone. The stages of grief may not progress exactly the way they’re outlined above, as some people might experience only one or two, may stay in one stage for a long time, or may bounce back and forth between stages. Regardless of how the process unfolds, post-divorce grief can be a challenging experience that leads to significant emotional distress. In some cases, it may contribute to symptoms of a mental health condition, such as prolonged grief disorder or depression, which we’ll discuss below.
The potential mental health effects of divorce
The end of a marriage can be an emotional rollercoaster, causing individuals to feel sad, confused, hurt, and/or uncertain. Difficulty managing this complex mix of emotions can make it even harder to move on from a divorce. People grieving a divorce may also function at a less than optimal level, potentially struggling to perform at work or complete everyday tasks.
Prolonged grief and other mental health disorders
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), divorce can lead to varied mental health challenges, including depression, low self-esteem, and isolation. In some cases, it may also lead to an anxiety disorder—such as separation anxiety or panic disorder—or trauma.
In addition, prolonged grief disorder is a condition that can occur if an individual experiences persistent and intense symptoms of grief due to divorce. Symptoms of grief that continue for over a year may signal the presence of prolonged grief disorder, also called complicated grief, which typically requires professional treatment to address.
How to move on after divorce
After the end of a marriage, stepping into the unknown can be daunting. However, there are several tips that may help divorced individuals move forward and flourish. By utilizing the below strategies, you may be able to address the emotional challenges of divorce and navigate your new life.
Practice self-care
Taking care of yourself is a way of not only fostering mental and physical wellness but also reinforcing the notion that you are worthy of compassion. There are many self-care practices you might use to help you manage stress, boost your mood, and avoid getting stuck in a rut. Regular exercise, consistent sleep, and a healthy nutritional plan can be key components of a self-care routine. It can also be important for you to make time to participate in activities you enjoy, such as playing an instrument, spending time in nature, or reading a book.
Develop a post-divorce support network
Social support can be a crucial part of your ability to move on after a divorce. Friends, family members, and other people in your support system can provide you with compassion, encouragement, and practical forms of care. If you’d like to add to your support system, consider joining a support group. Forming new relationships with people who have undergone similar challenges can help you feel more connected and less alone. Some people also find working with a divorce coach to be helpful.
Limit reminders of the marriage
Constantly seeing physical mementos of your relationship, social media posts by your former partner, or other reminders can make it hard for you to move forward. That’s why you might consider giving back any items belonging to your ex that you still have. You can also donate, sell, or store any gifts that they gave you. Additionally, it may help for you to put away any photos of them, at least temporarily. Muting, unfollowing, or blocking your ex-spouse on social media may also help you avoid the impulse to keep tabs on them or avoid painful reminders of them.
Embrace your new life
The period following a divorce can be an opportunity for personal growth, allowing you to learn more about yourself, pursue your passions, and enjoy life in new ways. Consider engaging in activities you didn’t have time for during your marriage. You may also want to participate in meetups centered around your hobbies (e.g., a run club or book club), which can help you meet new people. Keeping busy may also help you avoid ruminating about the divorce.
Meeting with a therapist to process complex feelings related to divorce
Focusing on your mental well-being can help you navigate the emotional stages of divorce and move forward in life. In therapy, you can get support in processing your divorce. You can also get treatment for any mental health concerns related to the end of a marriage, such as prolonged grief or post-traumatic stress disorder.
A therapist can provide emotional support, help you develop coping strategies, and connect you with useful resources. They can also help you understand what to expect during the grieving process. If you find yourself ruminating, a therapist can help you reframe your thought patterns so that they aren’t negatively affecting your feelings and behaviors as much. Also keep in mind that diagnosable mental health conditions like depression or prolonged grief disorder typically won't resolve without professional treatment, so meeting with a therapist can be crucial in such cases.
How online therapy can provide divorce support
If you’re navigating the logistical challenges that can arise during post-divorce life, commuting to and from in-person therapy appointments may cause additional stress. In such cases, online therapy can be a convenient option for receiving mental health care.
Learning how to move on after divorce with online therapy
With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can address mental health concerns related to divorce remotely, through video call, voice call, or in-app messaging. You can also reach out to your therapist outside of sessions, allowing you to clarify points made during therapy or ask questions about certain grief-related concepts.
The effectiveness of mental health care through online therapy
Studies indicate that online therapy may help individuals process difficult feelings related to divorce. For example, in a study examining the efficacy of online therapy for individuals navigating divorce, researchers suggest that the intervention “improved grief, depression, psychopathology, embitterment, and loneliness.” The study also notes the increased flexibility and lower costs of care offered by online therapy platforms.
Takeaway
Taking steps toward a new life can be difficult for those still working to address the effects of the end of their marriage. However, there are several approaches that may help a person in moving on from divorce. Some examples include practicing self-care, reaching out for social support, limiting visible reminders of the marriage, and working with a mental health professional.
How long does it take to get over a divorce?
The recovery time after a divorce may depend on a number of factors, including the length of the marriage, whether a divorce was expected, and whether a person requested the divorce. Individuals who have a strong support system made up of family and good friends may have a faster healing process. Family and friends may be able to help a person with any major decisions that have to be made following a divorce.
How do you get rid of divorce pain?
The painful emotions from divorce may feel intense at first. People going through a divorce may process their pain better if they talk to a support group designed for people who are in the middle of a divorce. They may also benefit from speaking with a therapist about their pain.
What is the hardest stage of divorce?
The hardest stage of a divorce may depend on the specific circumstances of a marriage. In some cases, the most difficult stage may be the time between deciding to get divorced and physically separating. Conflict can make communication challenging during this period. For other people, the period right after one person moves out of the house may be the most difficult. This may be difficult for parents as they may only get to see their kids on certain days. This may make parents feel a loss of control over their family.
How do you cope with divorce when you still love him?
It can be common to still feel love for an ex-spouse. If you didn’t initiate the divorce and still love your husband, you may benefit from speaking with a counselor about what you’re experiencing. A counselor may be able to help you explore your emotions and see your ex from a new perspective.
Who suffers most after divorce?
Both parties can experience emotional challenges after a divorce. However, the person who didn’t initiate the divorce may experience a sense of rejection and isolation.
What do you miss most after divorce?
People’s emotional experiences can vary after a divorce. Some people may miss the companionship of their marriage, even if they were the one to initiate the divorce.
How do you mentally survive a divorce?
You may cope with a divorce better if you deliberately strengthen your support system. This may involve spending more time with loved ones and expanding your circle of friends. You may benefit from doing new activities that allow you to meet people in your community. Connections with others may re-energize you during times when you’re experiencing emotional challenges. Also, it may help to join a divorce support group and talk to a licensed therapist in the months after a divorce. Professional support may help with different feelings that arise and help you start moving forward on a path toward better overall health. Therapy doesn’t have to be long-term; it may help to see a therapist just for a little while following a divorce.
What does divorce do to a woman emotionally?
Divorce can cause significant emotional challenges for women. A woman going through a divorce may experience a variety of emotions, from sadness and anger to frustration and regret. Some women may also experience moments of relief after a divorce. Regardless of the emotions a woman experiences, there is help available through therapy, both in person and online. Therapy may help to reduce stress levels and help women create a plan that helps them break free from the past and move toward a future with self-confidence and healthy relationships.
How does divorce affect men's mental health?
Divorce can have a profound impact on men’s mental health. Some men may experience intense isolation, which can lead to anxiety and depression.
What happens to most men after divorce?
Many men experience a mix of emotions after a divorce. They may feel anxious, angry, sad, frustrated, and lonely—sometimes all on the same day. Some men may describe this as “the world upside down.” Men may benefit from joining a support group for people experiencing similar situations.
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