How To Strengthen A Marriage And Develop More Emotional Intimacy

Couples at any stage of a relationship might look for strategies to build more intimacy and improve their connection. Cultivating a stronger marriage often involves improving communication skills, making an effort to spend quality time together, improving conflict-resolution strategies, and deepening emotional and physical intimacy. Here, we’ll explore some strategies couples might use to strengthen their bond and contribute to a successful marriage.

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How improving communication can strengthen a marriage

As many people have experienced, quality of communication can be a “make-or-break” element of a relationship of any kind. Research suggests that “responding constructively” to one’s partner in a romantic relationship may be at the heart of relationship satisfaction. Healthy, honest, and frequent communication may help both couples express their needs and feel heard, and it can allow them to address challenges before they escalate.

As such, one possible way to strengthen a marriage is to implement new communication strategies as needed. Some examples include:

• Engaging in active listening
• Taking a breath before responding to avoid speaking only out of emotion
• Approaching conflict as a challenge to address as a team, rather than you versus your spouse
• Striving to maintain open and non-defensive body language while engaging with your spouse
• Bringing up sensitive topics when you’re both relaxed, alone, and have ample time to discuss, rather than in the heat of a frustrated moment

The importance of spending quality time together

To this end, couples who both work during the day might schedule dinner together and plan to put their phones in another room during the meal so they can meaningfully connect. Couples who can’t have dinner alone because of children or another reason might consider scheduling regular date nights or other times to be with each other. Keep in mind that quality one-on-one time doesn’t have to involve elaborate plans; simply finding a way to spend time together regularly without distractions may help a married couple feel more connected. 

Strategies to deepen physical and emotional intimacy

The American Psychological Association defines intimacy as characterizing “close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationships” and which “requires the parties to have a detailed knowledge or deep understanding of each other.” Both emotional and physical intimacy can be important for strong marriages. The following are a few strategies that may help you and your partner build or rebuild a sense of intimacy in your relationship:

• Demonstrate interest. When one person wants to discuss an anecdote from their everyday life, their spouse might help build intimacy by making an effort to show interest and genuinely listen. This typically involves turning to the person, making eye contact, actively listening to what they’re saying, and trying to identify with what they’re feeling. This process may help the listening partner to understand the other person’s perspective more deeply and make the other person feel heard and valued. 
• Communicate needs in a positive way. When it comes to physical intimacy, one person might be tempted to state their frustration about not having physical needs met. However, rather than framing their concern in terms of what’s lacking, it might be more constructive to use a positive statement like “I feel like we’re more in sync when we have sex more often.” 
• Engage in more physical touch. For many couples who have a sexual relationship, sexual intimacy is related to physical touch outside the bedroom. Couples may find that they have a strong foundation for their sexual intimacy when they engage in nonsexual physical touch throughout the day. They might spend quality time together on the couch or other space in the home, for example, or they might go for a walk while holding hands.  

The potential benefits of sharpening your conflict-resolution skills

Experiencing some conflict is common in most marriages, and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Handling conflict in a healthy way can actually bring couples closer and strengthen their bond. There are several strategies that may help couples keep disagreements from becoming protracted and affecting them negatively in the long term. The following are just a few examples.

Use “I” statements in communication

When a person is upset with their spouse, they may be tempted to begin by telling their partner what they did or said that upset them. From the other person’s perspective, this can feel accusatory. Instead, couples may benefit from using “I” statements. 

For example, if one person is worried about money, instead of saying, “You are spending too much,” they might state, “I’m feeling anxious about our spending, and I feel like we need to be more careful financially.” “I” statements may make the other person less likely to feel defensive, which may improve their response. 

Don’t let grievances build up

While some people may avoid mentioning a specific concern to avoid conflict, this approach can sometimes lead to a buildup of grievances. In the end, one person might have an outburst and mention a litany of complaints all at once. This may be overwhelming to the person’s spouse and lead to an intense argument. Instead of letting concerns build up, couples may find it helpful to mention individual points of frustration with care as they arise. 

Avoid stonewalling

Stonewalling tends to be a common communication challenge in many marriages. The Gottman Institute describes stonewalling as follows: “In a discussion or argument, the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded. Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner.”

With stonewalling, one partner might turn away from the other, act busy, or behave evasively during an argument. This may happen because the stonewalling partner experiences psychological flooding, which can cause the release of stress hormones and a faster heart rate. This experience can make it hard to think clearly or respond. 

To address stonewalling, the person being stonewalled might be tempted to walk away. However, this too could be interpreted as stonewalling. Instead, couples may benefit from agreeing to take a break from the discussion and come back after a specified amount of time. This strategy may give each partner space and time to collect themselves without making anyone feel stonewalled or shut out.

Looking to strengthen your relationship?

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Strengthening your marriage in therapy

In addition to implementing the above strategies, couples may benefit from speaking with a licensed marriage counselor. A marriage counselor will typically have strategies to help address specific challenges faced by couples, such as communication barriers, a lack of physical intimacy, or financial disagreements. Spouses may also benefit from attending individual therapy separately to learn more about their own communication patterns and attachment style and build relationship skills.

Online couples therapy with a mental health professional

Some people might be interested in therapy but would prefer to see a provider outside their local community. Others may have busy schedules that don’t allow for regular commuting to and from in-office appointments. In cases like these, individuals and couples can receive support online instead. 

Through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples, people can connect with a licensed therapist from anywhere they have internet via audio, video, or live chat, which can be a more convenient way to receive care. Online therapy also can be more affordable than in-person counseling without insurance. 

In addition to offering convenience and affordability, research indicates that online therapy can often be effective as well. For example, one study published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests that an online couples therapy program yielded similar results to the same program delivered in person.