Online Marriage Counseling: Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy Insights
Marriage can be a rewarding and mutually beneficial bond characterized by love, support, and respect. However, all relationships come with their challenges, some of which can be difficult to resolve on your own. If you’re considering online marriage counseling, you might be wary of broaching the subject with your partner for fear of making them feel uncomfortable, worried, defensive, or hurt. Let’s take a look at how you can approach the topic of seeking counseling with your spouse thoughtfully in order to have a productive, empathetic conversation.
Before the conversation about online marriage counseling
Taking a few simple steps to prepare before initiating a discussion about seeking couples counseling can help it go more smoothly. You might consider the following before broaching the topic.
Consider their concerns
If you believe that your partner will be reluctant to attend in person or online marriage counseling, attempting to understand potential concerns they might have about these services can be a proactive way of preparing for the conversation. That way, if they voice one of these objections, you can be ready to have an empathetic, constructive conversation about it together. For some on the list, such as “cost” and “effectiveness”, you may even be able to find some reputable statistics or other information to help assuage their worries—though it’s important to remember to hear them out calmly and respectfully first.
- Cost
- The belief that they’ll be blamed for issues
- The desire to work out problems on their own
- Having heard negative opinions about it from others in the past
- Past negative experiences with counseling either individual therapy or couples therapy
- Concerns about the effectiveness of in person or online marriage counseling
- Not wanting to fight in front of someone else
- Embarrassment
- Disagreement about whether there are issues that need to be addressed
Anticipating potential misgivings like these may help you empathize with your partner when you do sit down to talk.
Organize your own thoughts regarding your marriage and marriage counseling
While you may feel confident that you and your spouse would benefit from online marriage counseling, you may not have taken time to pinpoint the areas of concern you’d like to address. To help you effectively organize and convey your thoughts, try to identify the specific sources of tension in your marriage and consider how counseling could help you work through them before speaking to your spouse about it. Common reasons people seek marriage counseling include:
- Communication issues
- Infidelity
- Intimacy struggles
- Differing parenting styles
- Jealousy
- Financial stress
That said, you don’t need to be facing a specific or serious problem in order to seek counseling of any kind. Many people use individual counseling as a preventative measure to help them stay on track, or learn to build better communication skills. Some couples choose to pursue premarital counseling, relationship counseling, or marriage counseling for the same reason: to strengthen their relationship, polish communication and conflict-resolution skills, and help prevent major conflicts before they can arise. Either way, being able to articulate the reasons you’d like to pursue therapy services can help your partner understand your motivation.
Choose a good time for the counseling conversation
Bringing up counseling at an inopportune time could make it more difficult for you to have a productive conversation. You may want to avoid broaching the subject while you’re already in an argument with your spouse, or when either of you are busy or especially stressed. Instead, it might be helpful to choose a time when you’re both free and relaxed. Or, you could consider allowing your spouse to choose the time by leading with something along the lines of, “I’d like to discuss marriage counseling with you. Let me know when you can set aside some time for a conversation to explore this topic.”
During the conversation about marriage counseling
Once you’ve organized your thoughts and prepared for the conversation, it’s time to sit down with your spouse and talk it out. Here are a few tips to keep in mind for this part of the process.
Avoid assigning blame
If your spouse feels like the issues in your marriage will be attributed to them in counseling, they may become more resistant to the idea of counseling than they were before. There are several ways you can avoid putting your partner on the defensive for this reason during the discussion. First, you can let them know up front that you want to work together during counseling, and that your intention isn’t to assign blame. Emphasizing the collaborative nature of couples counseling could put them at ease.
Use "I" statements
When you do articulate your concerns about the marriage, you might try using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel like we don’t communicate effectively”) as opposed to statements that may be read as blaming (e.g., “You don’t communicate well with me”). You might also directly take responsibility for your part in any conflicts and devote a few moments to bringing up the positive aspects of your marriage. You can let your partner know that you appreciate the ways they contribute to your life, marriage, and family, which can reinforce the idea that you don’t want to seek counseling just to focus on their faults.
Explain the potential benefits of marriage counseling
If your spouse is hesitant to participate in counseling, it can help to lay out some of the potential benefits. You might explain that in person or online marriage counseling focuses on encouraging positive communication, fostering commitment, enhancing intimacy, and developing goals for your marriage. You can mention that a counselor is typically a neutral party who will not take sides, and that their role is not to force either of you to do anything but instead to facilitate communication and provide guidance as needed.
Sometimes people who are reluctant to attend counseling are worried that doing so is an indication of failure. They might view marriage counseling as a last resort—when in reality, marriage counseling can be helpful for couples in any marriage stage. It can improve an already strong marriage and help couples identify concerns that may arise in the future. It does not have to signal a deficiency, a failure, or even a major problem.
Couples counseling for specific challenges
If you’re looking to address specific concerns, though, you can let your partner know that counseling has a high success rate. Research shows that marriage counseling can improve marriage functioning after even a short period of time. In one study on the efficacy of couples counseling, participants reported experiencing significantly improved marital satisfaction after eight sessions. By framing counseling in a positive light, your spouse may start to think about the idea differently.
Listen attentively to one another
As you move through this discussion, take turns letting each other speak and responding thoughtfully. Making sure that both parties have the opportunity to say their feelings can help avoid hurt feelings or counterproductive arguments. As your partner talks, try to listen without planning your response. Once they’ve finished speaking, consider summarizing their main points and repeating them back. When you do this, you’re ensuring that you understand your spouse’s perspective and are signaling to them that you’re listening carefully.
You can then address your partner’s concerns and bring up points of your own. While you do so, it can be helpful to try and empathize with your spouse so that they feel heard (e.g., “I understand and appreciate that you’d rather work things out on our own. I also want us to address our concerns on our own time, but I think that counseling might help us do that in a more effective way”.). It helps if you are informed, so that you can help allay fears they may have. For example, if cost is a potential concern, you can share that many therapists are covered by insurance, some working on a sliding scale and offer a free consultation to ensure compatibility, and online counseling can be cost-effective even if not covered by your insurance.
After the conversation about marriage counseling
Remember that it may take more than one conversation to reach an agreement about whether you’ll pursue counseling together as a couple. It’s usually best to try and be patient with your spouse as they mull over the idea. If they agree, your next step is to decide on a format and schedule your first session with a marriage counselor.
Emotionally focused therapy, discernment counseling, and other counseling techniques
There are several counseling formats that a couples therapist may employ as they conduct marriage counseling. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is one commonly utilized modality. EFT can help partners develop a healthier marriage by identifying challenging emotions (and their sources) that may impact their bond, then finding ways to better manage them. Imago marriage counseling is another widely used technique—one that focuses on fostering empathy and helping spouses understand how childhood relationships may continue to impact their marriage.
The type of counseling you participate in will likely depend on your specific goals. For example, couples who are considering divorce may want to pursue discernment counseling, which can be particularly helpful for spouses who aren’t on the same page when it comes to next steps in their marriage. Many partners come to marriage counseling to address specific concerns in their marriage. For example, a married couple experiencing concerns regarding intimacy may choose to participate in sex counseling.
Mental health support with group therapy
In some cases, couples counseling can be conducted through group counseling, in which several married couples attend sessions together. This can help participants connect with people who are experiencing similar marriage challenges. Couples might also choose to participate in counseling with other family members. Through this modality, a family therapist can help spouses learn more about how their marital dynamic impacts the entire family.
In-person or online marriage counseling
Traditionally, counseling appointments of any kind had to take place in person, in a therapist’s office. Now, however, those seeking the support of a counselor can choose to meet with their provider in person or online. In recent years, availability of online therapy has increased enormously, with licensed therapists working in online couples counseling, online premarital counseling, online marriage counseling, as well as family therapists for any type of online relationship counseling. Through online platforms, couples can not only participate in live therapy sessions but also attend groupinars, utilize helpful resources, and contact their therapist outside of sessions.
With online marriage therapy, you can get matched with a licensed professional from a team of qualified therapists. Online counseling platforms often have mental health care professionals who have experience with marriage and family therapy. For example, Regain—an online therapy platform that focuses on couples therapy—works with thousands of licensed therapists who provide couples counseling services. Regain therapists are licensed marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, licensed professional counselors, and psychologists.
How online couples counseling sessions work
Online therapy allows you and your spouse to meet with your own therapist through live video sessions, messaging, or phone calls. In addition to talking with your therapist through phone or video chat, you may have the option of reaching out to your therapist anytime, through in-app messaging. Online platforms also make it easy to schedule a virtual therapy session; and, often, online therapists provide times that are more convenient than those available through in-person counseling.
The costs around online couples therapy
While some online counseling platforms do not accept insurance, online couples therapy costs are comparable to traditional therapy costs—even when those in-person sessions are covered by a health insurance provider. And many online couples therapy platforms offer financial assistance, so therapy may actually end up costing less for those who have to pay out of pocket.
When online therapy isn't the correct option for mental health concerns
In some cases, online therapy may not be the best option. For example, if one partner is simultaneously working with their therapist to address certain mental health conditions—like severe substance use disorder or schizophrenia—traditional therapy may be recommended. Additionally, online therapy platforms typically do not provide medication management services or diagnoses.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
Does online therapy actually work?
Research suggests that both formats can offer similar benefits in most cases, so you can generally select the one that feels most comfortable for you and your spouse. With online marriage and family therapists, you can choose several methods of communication for your therapy session—video chat, online messaging, or phone chat. If you have busy schedules or are having trouble locating the right provider in your area, for instance, then online marriage counseling may be a better fit. With video sessions, you and your spouse can participate in marriage counseling even when you’re in different places.
Options for online marriage counseling and finding qualified therapists online
If you and your spouse have decided that you’d prefer to meet with a mental health professional for in person sessions, you can search for couples therapy providers in your area. If you have insurance, you might contact the company to get a list of covered providers. Or, if you’re interested in online couples therapy, you might consider signing up for a platform like BetterHelp. With BetterHelp (for individuals) or Regain (for couples) you can fill out a brief questionnaire about your needs and preferences and then get matched with a licensed therapist who both you and your partner can meet with via phone, video call, and/or online chat. The best online therapy services will help you find a marriage counseling or relationship counseling provider that’s right for your partnership.
Takeaway
How do I talk to my husband about counseling?
Bringing up the topic of couples therapy with a partner can be daunting. But this communication is essential if you and your partner are having problems in your relationship and don’t know how to fix them on your own.
The important thing is to approach the subject of relationship therapy in such a way that you are not blaming them for the issues you are experiencing. You want to be honest, but frame the concerns in a way that shows that you want to strengthen the relationship. Focus on the benefits of couples counseling and tell your spouse that you want this because you love them not because you are blaming them for anything. You are more likely to persuade your partner by focusing on all the positives and how the relationship can heal and blossom with support from relationship and mental health experts.
It is also important to stay calm throughout the entire discussion, especially if they become defensive at the suggestion. Chances are that your partner might not be totally on board when you suggest therapy the first time. This topic may require multiple conversations before you both are on the same page. And if they ultimately decide against couples therapy, respect their decision.
Can a marriage be saved with online couples counseling?
Yes, a marriage or committed relationship can be saved by couples counseling. However, couples counseling itself is not a miracle cure. Throughout counseling, you and your partner will be able to address your concerns, develop better conflict resolution and communication skills, and dig to the root of your conflict and problems. This requires a lot of work and effort and will probably not be easy. So if you want to save your marriage or relationship, you should consider counseling, but keep in mind you will have to work hard to find solutions to your concerns and create a better relationship.
Should you tell your spouse what you talk about in individual online therapy?
If you are in individual therapy, you are not obligated to talk to your partner about what you discuss with your therapist. However, if you and your therapist primarily discuss your relationship, then you may want to have a discussion with your partner about any issues or concerns you have. For example, if you believe you have communication problems or often fight about money, you can utilize the advice and tools you receive in therapy to discuss these concerns with your partner.
How many marriages survive after using online couples therapy services?
Multiple sources claim that couples counseling has a success rate of over 70%. However, that doesn’t mean that couples counseling is a miracle cure for your marriage problems. Couples counseling requires a lot of work to improve the relationship; just going to the counselor’s office is not enough. A couples therapist will provide you and your partner with tips, tools, and skills to repair your marriage, but it is up to you and your partner to utilize them outside of the counseling session.
Furthermore, couples counseling offers a safe space for you to gain an understanding of your partner’s perspective on the marriage. However, you must be willing to listen and respond with empathy and not be quick to shame your partner for their actions or feelings. So, in summary, the chances of a marriage surviving after counseling are completely dependent on how willing both partners are to put in the necessary work.
Do online marriage therapists tell you to divorce?
If you are considering couples therapy, or want to discuss your relationship in individual therapy, you may fear that your therapist will tell you to leave your partner. However, this rarely happens. A licensed counselor will rarely advise ending relationships, especially if they only work with one partner and don’t have the other partner’s perspective.
However, if there is a situation where your life is in danger or your quality of life is significantly lowered by being with your partner, they may advise you to leave your partner for your safety and well-being.
Can marriage counseling make your mental health worse?
In most cases, couples therapy leads to a better relationship. That’s because couples therapy helps both partners gain new skills, tips, tools, and ideas that they can utilize to improve their relationship. Success in couples therapy ultimately is determined by how much each person wants to be a better partner to their other half and how honest they are with each other.
Still, there are a few situations where couples therapy can make things worse. For example, many couples feel their relationship worsens very soon after starting couples therapy. But this is usually temporary. This is because there is finally honesty and open communication about how you and your partner feel. If either of you have been holding back about your feelings or thoughts, bringing them out for the first time in the initial session can be hard for couples to handle and process. However, through consistent work and improved communication, many couples are able to get past this period and see improvements in their relationship.
However, another scenario is that you get a counselor who isn’t up to the task. Maybe they are inexperienced or are more interested in discussing individual concerns rather than issues in relationships. Or maybe they are biased towards one partner’s point of view and do not respond with compassion or understanding when the other speaks. Whatever the case, if a counselor is not up to the task of repairing your relationship, you may find that things get worse instead.
Though these scenarios are uncommon, it’s understandable to have this fear. The important thing is to identify quickly when an issue is with the therapist and not with you and your partner. If you both believe the therapist is not a good fit, then you may want to start the process of finding another counselor as soon as possible.
What is the success rate of marriage counseling?
Some research suggests that couples therapy positively impacts around 70% of couples, and other findings show that almost 90% of clients report improvements in their emotional health after receiving treatment.
Does online relationship counseling work?
Online relationship counseling can be an effective way for couples seeking relationship support. Couples seek therapy for many different reasons, such as communication issues, lack of intimacy, frequent conflict, relationship distress, and more, and online couples therapy services can allow couples to connect with qualified mental health professionals experienced in a range of issues without having to travel to an office or sit in a formal therapy room. For some couples, virtual couples therapy can feel more comfortable and convenient than traditional in-person therapy, and some platforms have other online therapy services such as in-app messaging that offer further benefits—but other couples may feel differently. There are a variety of online couples counseling platforms and providers to choose from depending on your needs and preferences.
What are the cons of marriage counseling?
Some of the potential cons of marriage counseling include the cost, time commitment, and difficult conversations that it may entail. For those concerned about the cost of marriage counseling services, it may help to contact your insurance provider to see if they offer insurance coverage for marriage counseling. You may also consider online counseling services, which may be more affordable for some people. Often, sessions through online couples counseling cost less than traditional in-person couples therapy services.
Should I see a marriage counselor or therapist alone?
Whether it makes sense to see a marriage counselor or therapist on your own is up to you and your particular needs and preferences, but some marriage counselors may offer both individual and couples sessions. In addition, if you have concerns that seem to go beyond the realm of marriage counseling, it may make sense to consider other mental health services or resources, such as sex therapy, divorce counseling, parent coaching, and more. If you are coping with a mental illness, seeking professional mental health treatment can be an important part of recovery.
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