I Want A Divorce: How To Cope Practically And Emotionally When Marriage Ends
As a major life change, divorce can provoke various emotions. You may feel angry, frustrated, sad, excited, ambivalent, or any combination of these feelings (and others). It can be helpful to understand the reasons why you’d like a divorce, determine whether reconciliation is possible or desired, and plan for the future while keeping legal considerations in mind. You may find it helpful to attend regular therapy sessions throughout the divorce process, as a licensed therapist can help you navigate the complex thoughts and feelings that often arise in this situation.
I want a divorce: consider the reasons for divorce
A practical place to start may be to consider the reasons behind your desire to divorce. Several relationship challenges may contribute to your decision, including the following:
A betrayal: One or both spouses may have engaged in emotional or physical infidelity or another form of betrayal.
Unequal balance of responsibilities: Sometimes, one spouse believes they are carrying the entire emotional load of the marriage, or they may be expected to complete all of the domestic labor on their own.
Emotional neglect: One or both partners may believe that their spouse isn’t providing them with the emotional support they need or deserve.
Constant arguments: The couple may constantly argue about various topics, or the same fight may arise time and again without resolution.
The desire for change: One or both spouses may fantasize about others, potentially due to an emotional disconnection.
A lack of connection: Suddenly or over time, one or both spouses may lose feelings for the other, and the connection between them may fade.
Determine whether the marriage can be fixed
In some of these cases, it may be worthwhile to determine whether the relationship can be fixed. This usually requires a commitment from both parties to bring about real change in the relationship by putting in increased time and effort. Often, couples therapy can be helpful if this is the avenue you and your spouse would like to take.
When separation is the final decision
If you or your spouse have decided you are not interested in pursuing the relationship any further and would like to get a divorce, that is also a valid choice.
Plan for the future
Once you have settled on divorce, it can be vital to plan for a future that does not involve your marriage. In some cases, such as with amicable divorces between childless spouses, this can be an easy split as far as practicalities go (although it may still be emotionally difficult). You and your ex-spouse may determine how your shared assets will be split, sign the divorce papers, and go your separate ways.
However, not all situations are that simple. Even if your partner also seems unhappy in the marriage, they may not want to divorce. There may be many discussions to navigate before the two of you can come to an agreement.
Consider the type of divorce you want: settlement between spouses vs. taking divorce to court
In general, there are two types of divorce: contested (in which all matters are worked out in court) or uncontested (in which matters are settled between spouses). Uncontested divorce is usually cheaper and less stressful, but it may not be an option for everyone. If you don’t trust your spouse or feel uncomfortable negotiating key points with them, a contested divorce proceeding may be a better choice.
Create a social safety net when you decide “I want a divorce”
It can be important to establish a support system for yourself before you move forward. Do you have friends or family in your area who can support you emotionally (and practically, if needed)? Recruit a group, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
Take care of your mental health after a separation
Even under the best of circumstances, divorce can be stressful and often involves a variety of challenging emotions. Don’t neglect yourself during this time. Instead, be intentional about practicing self-care. Exercise regularly, prioritize nutritious meals, get plenty of sleep, maintain your social life, and engage in hobbies that bring you joy. It can also be helpful to work with a therapist if you are feeling overwhelmed.
Consider finances, alimony, and custody with the help of a lawyer
You may be able to discuss these topics with your partner, but it’s usually best to hire a lawyer to help you navigate these discussions and manage the legalities of the situation.
Legal considerations for divorce
When managing the divorce process, there are many things to consider. The “dos” and “don’ts” below may prove helpful.
Do:
- Use a long-term mindset. Think about your financial future, including any retirement accounts or pensions and your children’s college funds, if applicable.
- Re-evaluate your finances. You may need to rethink your spending on items like a car, house, and habits, as well as how you allocate funds.
- Hire a lawyer. Familiarize yourself with the divorce laws in your state.
Don’t:
- Try to hide assets. They will likely come out at some point during the divorce process.
- Try to punish your spouse with the divorce. This can be hurtful for both parties. Similarly, don’t attempt to turn your children against your spouse.
- Sign any documents before your lawyer has reviewed them. As a layman, it can be easy to miss loopholes and potential problems in legal documents.
- Ignore court orders or miss meetings and court hearings. You may face legal consequences, which can make things more difficult for you.
Therapy for divorcing or separating couples
Whether you are on the fence or ready to sign divorce papers immediately, therapy can be a helpful tool for moving forward. If you are not entirely sure how you want to navigate divorce or are considering reconciliation, you may decide to attend couples therapy. This is ideally done with your partner, but it can still be helpful for individuals. A couples therapist can help you gain greater insight into your relationship challenges and offer strategies to improve communication.
Therapy can help you cope when you decide to end your marriage
If you’ve decided to end your marriage, therapy can help you navigate the feelings around the loss and manage any stress related to the divorce process. Symptoms of depression or anxiety can be normal during this time, and therapy can help you process your feelings and enhance your mental and emotional well-being.
Online therapy benefits
If it’s challenging for you to find the time to schedule in-person appointments with a therapist, online therapy can be a convenient solution, allowing you to attend sessions from any location with an internet connection at a time that fits into your existing schedule.
Research has shown that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy for treating a wide variety of mental health concerns.
Takeaway
Frequently asked questions
How do you know it's time to divorce?
The decision to divorce can be highly personal, and there may not be a universal “right” moment for everyone. That said, there are a few common signs that ending the marriage may be the right decision, such as:
- You often fantasize about leaving the relationship.
- You’ve noticed the relationship getting worse over time.
- You no longer feel happy, valued, respected, or loved in the relationship.
- You and your spouse are no longer communicating at all, or are unable to communicate without arguing.
- You realize you feel happier when you’re apart from your spouse.
- Your emotional or physical well-being do not seem to matter to your spouse.
- You and your spouse have conflicting life goals or priorities that you can’t compromise on (for example, whether or not to have kids).
- You have repeatedly brought up your concerns with your spouse, but they don’t seem to hear you or want to resolve them.
- You are experiencing any type of physical, emotional, or mental abuse.
These are possible indications that it may make sense to consider getting a divorce. Note that it can be common to experience doubts or uncertainty at this stage. You might wonder, “What if I’m making a mistake?” or “How will I tell all these people in my life that my marriage is over?” If you’re feeling unsure or you would like to talk to someone about your concerns, consider speaking with a mental health professional or a relationship counselor for more personalized advice.
Who benefits more from divorce?
The question of which spouse “benefits” more from divorce may not always have a clear answer. Research has found that in terms of finances and overall well-being, men generally experience fewer longer-term challenges after a divorce than women. However, a divorced woman may benefit more from the split in terms of overall happiness. That said, no two marriages are the same. The cost of the divorce proceedings, the reason for the split, child support-related matters, and other factors can all affect the outcome of a divorce.
Who suffers most in divorce financially?
Studies show that in most cases, the ex-wife experiences more financial struggles than the ex-husband after a divorce, including a higher risk of poverty and a bigger drop in standard of living. There may be a few reasons for this. For example, women may be more likely to stay at home with the kids while married, making it harder to find a job after getting divorced. Women may also be more likely to be given primary custody of their children. This can require money to pay for school tuition, medical bills, childcare costs, and more, putting additional strain on finances.
What is the first thing to do if you want a divorce?
If you’ve made the decision to get divorced, there are a few first steps that you may want to take to make the process as manageable as possible. These include:
- If possible and safe to do so, sit down with your spouse to break the news to them face-to-face, ideally somewhere you can speak exclusively and openly.
- Find a place to stay until the divorce is finalized, especially if your living situation is unsafe.
- Seek advice from a lawyer to understand your legal rights, the process of getting divorced in your area, and what options are available to you.
- Gather relevant documents, such as financial statements, marriage certificates, and any prenuptial agreements.
- Find someone you can lean on for emotional support in the coming weeks and months, such as a support group, a counselor, or a friend.
- Take care of your physical and mental health by getting plenty of exercise, eating a nutritious diet, and engaging in meaningful hobbies.
- Confide in a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional if you need someone to talk to.
What is silent divorce?
The term “silent divorce” refers to a situation where partners stay married even though it’s pretty clear that they have become emotionally distant. In a silent divorce, partners often continue to live in the same house even though they no longer feel romantically invested in the relationship. Each person may even see themselves as divorced in their own mind, despite still being married legally. As a result, they might:
- Stop talking to each other except when necessary
- Stop spending free time with each other or doing activities as a couple
- Stop celebrating their wedding anniversary or other relationship milestones
- Refuse to negotiate or try to resolve conflicts
- Begin romantic relationships with other people
- Feel resentful toward each other
- Stop making future plans as a couple
Reasons for a silent divorce can vary. Parents in troubled marriages may worry about the impact of a divorce on their children, or about practical things like the division of assets or the cost of hiring a divorce attorney. Many couples may also hope they can eventually overcome the source of conflict and reconnect. Some may even find the idea of starting over or looking for a new relationship overwhelming, choosing to stay together even when their relationship is effectively over.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
“Walkaway wife syndrome” is a term for when a wife decides to divorce her husband seemingly out of nowhere, catching him by surprise. Overall, more people who initiate divorce are women than men, but the decision is rarely sudden or spontaneous, and often comes after many unsuccessful attempts to fix the marriage. Wives may “walk away” after many years of feeling ignored, overlooked, emotionally disconnected, or unable to talk to their husbands about their concerns. In these situations, they may have been ready to divorce for some time but waited in order to minimize the impact on their entire family—for example, by staying married until after their kids have left home.
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