I Want A Divorce: How To Cope Practically And Emotionally When Marriage Ends

As a major life change, divorce can provoke various emotions. You may feel angry, frustrated, sad, excited, ambivalent, or any combination of these feelings (and others). It can be helpful to understand the reasons why you’d like a divorce, determine whether reconciliation is possible or desired, and plan for the future while keeping legal considerations in mind. You may find it helpful to attend regular therapy sessions throughout the divorce process, as a licensed therapist can help you navigate the complex thoughts and feelings that often arise in this situation.

Divorce can bring up a variety of emotions

Work through them in online therapy

I want a divorce: consider the reasons for divorce

A practical place to start may be to consider the reasons behind your desire to divorce. Several relationship challenges may contribute to your decision, including the following:

A betrayal: One or both spouses may have engaged in emotional or physical infidelity or another form of betrayal.

Unequal balance of responsibilities: Sometimes, one spouse believes they are carrying the entire emotional load of the marriage, or they may be expected to complete all of the domestic labor on their own. 

Emotional neglect: One or both partners may believe that their spouse isn’t providing them with the emotional support they need or deserve.

Constant arguments: The couple may constantly argue about various topics, or the same fight may arise time and again without resolution.

The desire for change: One or both spouses may fantasize about others, potentially due to an emotional disconnection. 

A lack of connection: Suddenly or over time, one or both spouses may lose feelings for the other, and the connection between them may fade. 

Determine whether the marriage can be fixed

In some of these cases, it may be worthwhile to determine whether the relationship can be fixed. This usually requires a commitment from both parties to bring about real change in the relationship by putting in increased time and effort. Often, couples therapy can be helpful if this is the avenue you and your spouse would like to take. 

When separation is the final decision

If you or your spouse have decided you are not interested in pursuing the relationship any further and would like to get a divorce, that is also a valid choice.

Plan for the future

Once you have settled on divorce, it can be vital to plan for a future that does not involve your marriage. In some cases, such as with amicable divorces between childless spouses, this can be an easy split as far as practicalities go (although it may still be emotionally difficult). You and your ex-spouse may determine how your shared assets will be split, sign the divorce papers, and go your separate ways.  

However, not all situations are that simple. Even if your partner also seems unhappy in the marriage, they may not want to divorce. There may be many discussions to navigate before the two of you can come to an agreement. 

Consider the type of divorce you want: settlement between spouses vs. taking divorce to court

In general, there are two types of divorce: contested (in which all matters are worked out in court) or uncontested (in which matters are settled between spouses). Uncontested divorce is usually cheaper and less stressful, but it may not be an option for everyone. If you don’t trust your spouse or feel uncomfortable negotiating key points with them, a contested divorce proceeding may be a better choice. 

Create a social safety net when you decide “I want a divorce”

It can be important to establish a support system for yourself before you move forward. Do you have friends or family in your area who can support you emotionally (and practically, if needed)? Recruit a group, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. 

Take care of your mental health after a separation

Even under the best of circumstances, divorce can be stressful and often involves a variety of challenging emotions. Don’t neglect yourself during this time. Instead, be intentional about practicing self-care. Exercise regularly, prioritize nutritious meals, get plenty of sleep, maintain your social life, and engage in hobbies that bring you joy. It can also be helpful to work with a therapist if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Consider finances, alimony, and custody with the help of a lawyer

You may be able to discuss these topics with your partner, but it’s usually best to hire a lawyer to help you navigate these discussions and manage the legalities of the situation. 

Legal considerations for divorce

When managing the divorce process, there are many things to consider. The “dos” and “don’ts” below may prove helpful.

Do:

• Use a long-term mindset. Think about your financial future, including any retirement accounts or pensions and your children’s college funds, if applicable.
• Re-evaluate your finances. You may need to rethink your spending on items like a car, house, and habits, as well as how you allocate funds.
• Hire a lawyer. Familiarize yourself with the divorce laws in your state.

Don’t:

• Try to hide assets. They will likely come out at some point during the divorce process.
• Try to punish your spouse with the divorce. This can be hurtful for both parties. Similarly, don’t attempt to turn your children against your spouse.
• Sign any documents before your lawyer has reviewed them. As a layman, it can be easy to miss loopholes and potential problems in legal documents. 
• Ignore court orders or miss meetings and court hearings. You may face legal consequences, which can make things more difficult for you.

Therapy for divorcing or separating couples

Whether you are on the fence or ready to sign divorce papers immediately, therapy can be a helpful tool for moving forward. If you are not entirely sure how you want to navigate divorce or are considering reconciliation, you may decide to attend couples therapy. This is ideally done with your partner, but it can still be helpful for individuals. A couples therapist can help you gain greater insight into your relationship challenges and offer strategies to improve communication. 

Therapy can help you cope when you decide to end your marriage

If you’ve decided to end your marriage, therapy can help you navigate the feelings around the loss and manage any stress related to the divorce process. Symptoms of depression or anxiety can be normal during this time, and therapy can help you process your feelings and enhance your mental and emotional well-being. 

Online therapy benefits

If it’s challenging for you to find the time to schedule in-person appointments with a therapist, online therapy can be a convenient solution, allowing you to attend sessions from any location with an internet connection at a time that fits into your existing schedule.

Research has shown that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy for treating a wide variety of mental health concerns.