Is There A Worst Age for Divorce For Children? Tips For Parents To Reduce The Impact

For parents, often one of the most important factors around divorce is understanding the potential impact on their child’s life and mental health. It can be a difficult time, but by learning about common challenges at different developmental stages, caregivers may be able to minimize the negative effects. Let’s take a closer look at the different ways divorce can affect children of different ages, what factors might contribute to a “worst age” to experience parental divorce, and how to mitigate the impact. 

Divorce can be stressful

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How divorce can impact children of different ages

Divorce can impact children differently, depending on the child’s age and many other elements. Developmental factors in particular can affect how the child will understand and react to their parents’ split, and understanding these may help divorced parents support their child’s mental health. 

Common effects of divorce on children of preschool age 

Young children will often find divorce confusing and overwhelming. This can manifest as behavioral challenges and effects on children’s mental health such as:

• Fear of abandonment
• Separation anxiety
• Regressions like bed-wetting 

It can be a difficult time, but it’s important to remember that even when children feel sad, they are resilient. With support from parents and other family members, they can often adjust to these changes and regain a sense of balance. 

Common effects of divorce on school-age children

Having their parents split up can feel especially disruptive and distressing for school-age children. While younger children may feel sad and confused, older children tend to have a deeper understanding of family dynamics and may feel more emotionally distressed over changes in family life. They may experience:

• Conflicts of loyalty between parents
• Anxiety, sadness, or anger that can affect school and social life
• A fear of change around living arrangements and family dynamics
• Feelings of guilt or worry that their behavior or actions may have caused their parents’ divorce

Common effects of divorce on teens

Teens and young adult children typically have a strong understanding of family dynamics. When it comes to how they’ll react to divorce, they may be influenced by this understanding as well as by their burgeoning independence and shifts toward prioritizing peer approval. They may experience a wide range of emotions at this time, which could manifest as:

• Emotional withdrawal from parents
• Resentment and anger toward one parent or both 
• Fear of commitment in their own relationships
• Engaging in risky behaviors

Because they understand more about family dynamics, the idea of divorce may weigh more heavily on a teen emotionally. 

Has research identified the “worst age” for divorce for children?

While each age group can experience difficulties and challenges based on their own developmental milestones, research suggests that this time may be most difficult for school-aged children. This may be because children in elementary school are at an age where they have some, but not a complete understanding of family dynamics, so there can be a mix of confusion and resentment. They are also at an age where they may have less emotional resilience than younger children but also less ability to use healthy coping mechanisms than teens. 

Why school-aged children of divorce may have an especially hard time

At this stage of development, children have a tendency to understand all actions through the lens of their own involvement. This is developmentally normal, but can it add a layer of complexity when it comes to coping with divorce. For example, a child between the ages of seven and 12 may be more likely to believe that they themselves are the cause of divorce, despite what their parents may tell them. 

For this reason, a child in this age group may dwell on the idea of their own involvement and could have the potential to exhibit short-term or long-term symptoms of depression or anxiety as a result. They may also become socially and emotionally withdrawn or lash out in anger at their parents. They may blame one parent, the other, or both at different times depending on their feelings, and they may try to play parents against one another. 

Academic life may also be affected. Teachers may reach out because the child’s classroom engagement or the quality of their schoolwork is declining, or because they have become disruptive or withdrawn. 

How parents can help children cope with divorce

Reading about the potential effects of divorce on a child can seem scary. Keep in mind, however, that there are many factors that may affect a child’s reaction, and that there are strategies parents can use to potentially reduce negative impacts. 

For example, both parents remaining actively involved and emotionally available can be especially helpful to a child coping with divorce. Note that in cases of abuse however, this may not be advisable, but know that it’s entirely possible to build, model, and maintain healthy coping mechanisms with your child as a single parent. 

Studies suggest that warm, positive relationships between child and parent may improve mental health outcomes in children of divorce. For example, you might offer more patience when it comes to emotional outbursts in your child, since they may be unsure of how to process what they’re feeling, leading to anger, verbal attack, or blame. This doesn’t mean that you have to accept their words, but remaining calm and explaining situations clearly and with love and kindness can be important. 

It could also be helpful to find books that offer comforting but realistic talk about divorce, appropriate for their age level. You could talk to their pediatrician as well about finding a therapist or support groups for children of parental divorce. 

Supportive strategies for children that parents might implement

Maintaining a close emotional bond with your child and treating them with extra patience and compassion may be helpful in their processing of the divorce, but it’s not the only approach that might help. You may also consider implementing age-appropriate care strategies that may help children in specific age groups manage their feelings. 

Specific tips for processing divorce in children under five

For preschoolers, routine can be essential, especially during times of emotional upheaval. Even when working with two households, you might try to create a strong sense of stability with regular schedules. 

Minimize their exposure to any conflict, and use simple language when talking to them about the divorce. For example: “We both love you very much, even though dad and I will live in different houses.”

Specific tips for processing separation in “the worst age” for divorce for children: school-age

While research suggests that divorce may be hardest on school-age children, the right approach may help you significantly limit the effects. For school-aged children, it can be helpful to stay involved in their life and activities, like sports or music. Show them that they are loved and valued and that their parent or parents will remain actively involved in their life.

It can help to encourage them to communicate openly and honestly about what they’re feeling without fear of judgement. Answer their questions honestly and gently, in an age-appropriate way. 

Provide plenty of reassurance that you support them and that the divorce is not their fault. Avoid putting them in the middle of any disagreements, and don’t ask them to choose sides or relay messages between you and their other parent. 

Specific tips for parents to help teens process divorce

Teenagers may benefit from outlets that help them work out their emotions in healthy ways, such as sports, performance, or other hobbies. Encourage them to remain active in their preferred activities, and support them with your enthusiasm and attendance. 

Like younger children, teens can also benefit from boundaries and routines, although they may not say so in words. It can be advisable to continue to enforce the same rules and routines you always have, which may help provide structure and stability in their life. 

Let them talk when they’re ready. Understand that they may reach out to friends to work out their feelings; just let them know that you are available to talk whenever they need it. You might also offer to connect them with a counselor for additional support.

Divorce can be stressful

Meet with a compassionate therapist

Seeking therapy for help navigating the challenges of divorce

Getting a divorce can be stressful on its own; parenting through a divorce can be additionally challenging. If you're struggling to know how to best support your child through this transition or cope with stress yourself, you might benefit from speaking with a therapist. A therapist can provide emotional support and gentle guidance that may be useful in helping you navigate this time in a healthy way.

Exploring online therapy as an option

While therapy can be helpful, many parents have busy schedules, which often means they don't have time to find a therapist and commute to regular in-person appointments. In such cases, online therapy can be more convenient.

Research suggests that online therapy can often be just as effective as in-person sessions. With online platforms like BetterHelp, you can schedule and attend therapy online from the comfort of your own home at whatever time works best for you. Simply fill out BetterHelp’s online questionnaire to get started, and you’ll be matched with a therapist according to your needs and preferences.