Is There An Upside Of Divorce? Marriage, The Divorce Process, And Life After Divorce

Many people associate divorce with loneliness and stress. However, in some cases, it can also eventually lead to positive experiences like opportunities for personal growth and newfound freedom and independence. Here, we’ll examine some potentially positive impacts of divorce as well as how to get support in processing this often-complex experience.

Divorce can be painful, but it can also bring new possibilities

Find healing in therapy

What is a successful divorce process?

Several factors can influence the impact of divorce on those involved. A “successful divorce”—or one that is the most amicable and least distressing to the separating partners—is likely to involve what some refer to as the three Cs:

• Communication: The level and tone of communication between the couple are often primary factors in how smoothly the process goes and how both individuals heal afterward. 
• Cooperation: Whether they’re co-parenting children or not, most divorcing couples must communicate about practical and logistical issues throughout the divorce process. The more cooperative the two are able to be during this time, the easier it may be able to cope with the changes. 
• Compromise: Being flexible about your expectations may impact how the divorce goes for you and your ability to let go when you need to. 

While these factors may help a divorce go more smoothly, it can be possible to heal and enjoy positive experiences post-divorce regardless of how the process goes.

Reframing divorce as a new beginning after marriage

The impact of divorce on personal growth and self-discovery 

Personal growth and self-discovery during the divorce process can involve a woman, man, or person reflecting on their emotions, examining their own role in the relationship, and identifying any areas for improvement. The things you discover during this time of reflection may also help you better understand your values, needs, and desires. Ultimately, such mindfulness may help you imagine a more authentic version of yourself in the future. 

Embracing the upside of divorce through self-reflection  

Except in cases of abuse or exploitation, it's often the case that both parties played a role in the relationship's challenges. Upon reflection, you might identify some behavioral patterns that you can work to improve, potentially leading to better future relationships—whether they’re with a new husband, wife, or other partner or with friends, family members, and colleagues. 

Developing resilience and strength after the divorce process

During your divorce, you might also learn more about your own strengths and develop the resilience to handle other challenges in the future. The experience of divorce can help a person strengthen skills like problem-solving, adaptability, and patience. When you work with distressing emotions during this time, you may also develop the ability to more effectively regulate them.

Life after divorce: newfound independence and autonomy

After divorce, many individuals begin adjusting to a level of independence they may not have had during their marriage. Because marriage often changes people in countless ways, returning completely to one's former self may not be entirely possible. This can make navigating newfound independence and establishing autonomy tricky but also exciting as one explores future possibilities and discovers both old and new passions and interests. 

Exploring new interests and hobbies outside of marriage

Exploring new interests and hobbies after divorce may open opportunities to rediscover yourself, find joy, and develop meaningful, fulfilling relationships. You might consider trying activities you've always wanted to, joining local clubs or classes, reaching out to old friends, and being open to new social connections. Exploring creative hobbies in particular might have specific benefits during this time. Research suggests that creative activities may help reduce stress and anxiety, boost confidence, and increase overall well-being. 

Building a social life after divorce

Establishing a healthy social life post-divorce might mean restructuring old friendships while nurturing new ones. Divorcing couples with shared friend groups might face challenges when friends don't want to "pick sides" or have personal opinions about the separation. It might take time to sort out your shared friendships, so while navigating such challenges, you might consider reconnecting with old friends. 

It can also be an ideal time to expand your social circle. You may meet new people through your existing connections, but you can also look for new friends through your hobbies and interests. For example, you might join a club based on an activity you’ve always wanted to try or get involved with a neighborhood group. You can also explore online forums or social media groups related to your hobbies.

The impact of divorce on financial independence and responsibility 

If you shared expenses and income during the marriage, managing your money and expenses independently might be a new challenge. Navigating factors like child support, selling a shared home, splitting expenses, and other types of financial burden can be complex, but being solely in charge of your own finances may also bring about a sense of achievement and confidence.

Emotional healing as part of the upside of divorce

Emotional healing after a divorce is typically an ongoing process often marked by challenges, growth, and transformation. Feelings of denial, such as disbelief, numbness, and shock, are common at first. Anger is a natural response as well, which may be directed toward oneself, one’s partner, and/or others outside the marriage. Some may also struggle with feelings associated with depression, like hopelessness, helplessness, and guilt. 

Allowing yourself to feel all your emotions without self-judgment and criticism is often integral to the healing process, time-consuming though it may sometimes be. When we acknowledge, reflect on, and accept them, such feelings often become easier to process and let go of. Meeting with a mental health care professional may also be beneficial, particularly if you’re experiencing signs of a mental health condition.

Setting boundaries 

Learning how to set healthy boundaries is often key to healing emotionally. During the divorce process, you might reflect on how you established and reinforced the emotional boundaries in your relationship. Did you repeatedly allow your partner to cross yours without consequence? Were there boundaries you wished you would have set to ensure your own needs were met, looking back on it? Did you respect your ex's boundaries and wishes? Reflecting on such questions may help you better understand why your relationship ended, what you may want out of future relationships, and how to find peace about how things went.

Forming healthier future relationships

Identifying and breaking free from unhealthy relationship dynamics is also a process that may require time and patience. Self-reflection—again, without self-judgment or criticism—may help you uncover beliefs about relationships you might not have realized before. You may then become better able to recognize harmful behavioral patterns in your marriage, allowing you to make positive changes in how you approach future relationships.

Rediscovering self-love and confidence 

Divorce can sometimes erode self-esteem and diminish one’s confidence. It can change how you feel about yourself, your future, and your capabilities. Through self-care, mindfulness, and empathy, however, it is often possible to rebuild self-esteem after divorce. Here are a few tips for doing so:

• Accept your emotions: It can be helpful to allow yourself to experience sadness, anger, or confusion, as these are normal responses to a divorce. Keeping a journal can help you label, understand, and process your feelings. 
• Practice self-compassion: It’s usually beneficial to be kind to yourself and avoid excessive self-blame. 
• Engage in positive self-talk: This practice involves challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with positive affirmations about yourself. 
• Set achievable goals: You might focus on pursuing new personal accomplishments outside your comfort zone to build confidence. 
• Engage in self-care: Prioritizing healthy habits like regular exercise, nutritious meals, and sufficient sleep may help you with emotional regulation during this challenging period.
• Seek support: It can help to lean on trusted friends, family, and/or a therapist so you can share your feelings and gain perspective. 

Taking care of your mental health

It can be challenging to cope with intense post-divorce emotions like guilt, shame, hopelessness, and anger. When unaddressed, however, these types of emotions can sometimes lead to diagnosable mental health challenges like anxiety or depression and may even have long-term impacts on physical health. Studies also suggest that it isn’t uncommon for people to use unhealthy coping mechanisms such as excessive alcohol and drug use to numb their feelings and cope with divorce-related stress, which may lead to addiction. 

For these reasons, it can be advisable for a person who is having trouble coping with divorce to meet with a mental health professional. A therapist, for example, can create a safe space where a person can openly express their feelings, work on positive skill-building in areas like self-esteem and communication skills, and receive treatment for any symptoms of a mental health condition.

Divorce can be painful, but it can also bring new possibilities

Find healing in therapy

Exploring the option of online therapy

While receiving professional support can be helpful in the wake of a divorce, not everyone has providers in their area or feels comfortable speaking to a therapist about sensitive topics face to face. In such cases, virtual therapy can be a viable alternative to explore. 

Online therapy platforms allow an individual to speak to a licensed mental health professional from home or anywhere they have an internet connection. Platforms like BetterHelp work with a wide variety of therapists with different backgrounds and expertise, which may make it easier to find a provider with whom you feel comfortable. 

Research on the topic suggests that, for many, internet-delivered therapy can also be as effective as in-person treatment. For example, one meta-analysis published in Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy analyzed data from 103 studies and suggests that "Clinically, therapy is no less efficacious when delivered via videoconferencing than in-person."  The researchers also state that "Live psychotherapy by video emerges not only as a popular and convenient choice, but also one that is now upheld by meta-analytic evidence."