Living Together Before Marriage: Is It Worth It?
For many, relationships follow a ladder of steps. Often, individuals will meet, get to know each other, start officially dating, and then go through relationship milestones. Relationship milestones can include telling someone you love them, meeting their family, celebrating your first dating anniversary, engagement, moving in together, and marriage.
Although people can follow these steps in any order or not at all, many believe that moving in together should be done after marriage or engagement. Despite this belief, a larger portion of adults have cohabited than have been married according to an analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth by Pew Research Center. So can living together before marriage lead to relationship changes, and is it the right choice to make? The answers will likely be different for each couple or set of partners.
Living together before marriage
Living together may seem like a profound, meaningful, and significant step for some. In fact, two-thirds of married adults said they saw cohabitation as a step towards marriage. Others might find it necessary for financial reasons. Whether you live in a small town or a big city, living on your own can become challenging as housing prices rise. With college or credit card debt and the expenses of everyday bills, it may be challenging to live on your own. New college graduates may stay with their parents if they can to reduce the cost of living expenses. Dating couples might also discuss the possibility of splitting rent or co-signing on a house, depending on what makes sense financially.
Although roommates may be a solution, many prefer living with someone they care about or find more trusting than a stranger.
Premarital cohabitation
Although living with a partner before marriage, also known as premarital cohabitation, can be a practical or fun solution, some individuals face challenges. If you sign a lease with someone you later break up with, you might have to live with them in a one-bedroom until the lease is up. Each of these could be an important point or factor to consider, as they may impact your decision.
A significant decision
Whether you choose to live with someone because it is the next step in your relationship or because you live in an expensive city, specific aspects of the change might come with difficulties or learning curves.
You may have previously met up with your partner to pursue activities you both have an interest in, hang out with friends, or simply spend time together. After spending time together, you would have your own spaces to go home to, even if you spent a few days together. When you live with someone, you may not have a choice on whether you see them or not.
Cohabitating couples might learn more about their partner's cleaning, cooking, and grooming habits. You might also have habits your partner doesn't appreciate, like using their towel or leaving your toothbrush out. You may also have to adjust to sharing the responsibility for household chores. For some, this can feel vulnerable and scary.
Although you may have been able to go home to escape conflicts before, you may have to face them when you live together. If you have one bed, you could find yourself wanting to sleep on the couch or go to a friend's house when you feel angry. This is one major reason that couples rent a two-bedroom to have their own space when needed.
You may also not have the same legal rights as married couples if you decide to split up. This can be especially important when talking about legal rights relating to the division of assets; if you are unmarried, you likely won’t have the same protections as someone going through the process of divorce.
Should we live together before marriage?
Whether or not you want to live with your significant other before you are married is a choice. Not everyone will make the choice to wait, and your family might disagree with you. Some cultures have religious or cultural rules against living together or sleeping in the same bed before marriage. Your family may also be unhappy with certain aspects of your partner, like their lack of a high school diploma or specific behaviors they exhibit.
Some benefits of living together before marriage
However, there can be benefits for those who have decided to take this step. For example, one major factor that influences a couple’s decision could be their financial situation. Couples may pay less rent when living together, which can allow them to save up for a home. If you want to apply to buy a home, the loan application could be more straightforward with two incomes. If you do not have a high credit score, your partner may be able to cosign for you.
Studies behind moving in together
A few peer-reviewed studies have been done to see how living together before marriage might affect emotional distress.
First unions study
One study by Sara Mernitz and Claire Kamp Dush in the Journal of Family Psychology examined the changes in emotional distress across various relationship transitions. These changes included moving in together, getting married without living together, and getting married after living together.
The study looked at young adults in their 20s in the United States. The results found that:
"Entrance into first cohabiting unions and direct marriages, and all second unions were significantly associated with reduced emotional distress."
"Gender differences were found for first unions only; for men, only direct marriage was associated with an emotional health benefit, while both direct marriage and cohabitation benefited women's emotional health."
"Transitioning into marriage from a first, current cohabitation was not associated with a change in emotional distress; these results held for second unions in that transitioning into marriage with a second, current cohabiting partner was also not associated with a change in emotional distress."
Moving in together brought a sense of emotional well-being to the couples. The study did not observe the long-term effect of living together before marriage or include varied age groups; it only studied two-year increments and focused on couples in their 20s.
Quality of relationships after cohabitation
Another study in the same journal offered findings on relationship satisfaction and quality over time after two people decide to cohabitate. It found that:
Dedication to one's partner increases in the lead-up to moving in together but levels off after the transition.
Different types of constraint factors that make breakups less likely regardless of partners' dedication showed significant increases upon moving in together and then started to grow more rapidly.
Conflict increases and starts to climb steadily after moving in together.
The frequency of sex jumps modestly after a couple moves in together and then declines steadily to become lower than before the transition.
These findings suggested that couples living together without marriage may be unprepared for a long-term or formal commitment. In addition, they may not be able to handle certain conflicts. In some cases, unmarried couples may be more unprepared to deal with these situations than married couples.
Couples counseling to make a decision
While there is plenty of content online that claims to provide valuable couples advice, not all of this content comes from high-quality sources. If you seek out information online, it's also important to ask yourself “is this content accurate?” In many cases, it may be better to talk to someone with a substantial education or plentiful experience in the subject, like a couples counselor or therapist.
Couples counselor or therapist can help you
If you decide to utilize a couples counselor or therapist, they may be able to help you decide whether living with your current partner is in your best interest. A therapist could help you come up with pros and cons for your decision and make a therapeutic plan in case of conflict and challenges.
Effectiveness of online therapy
As couples often have busy schedules, many opt for online therapy, which allows them to select a time slot that works best for their schedule. You can also choose to meet with your therapist via video, phone, or live chat sessions. Studies show that online therapy is as effective as traditional in-person therapy.
If you're interested in trying it, platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and Regain for couples have matching systems to find a therapist that best fits your preferences.
Takeaway
Many couples decide to move in together before marriage. Although there may be changes in your life and relationship as you make this transition, many find that the benefits outweigh the challenges. If you're unsure which way to go or want further professional guidance, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist for support.
Do couples that live together before marriage last longer?
From the 1970s to the 2000s, researchers released studies that suggested cohabitation before marriage increased the risk of divorce. However, Modern science has a more detailed understanding of the complexities experienced by cohabitating couples. Contemporary evidence indicates that early studies may not have captured the whole story and overestimated the risk of living together before marriage.
There is insufficient evidence to suggest that couples who live together before marriage last longer than those who do not. Recent investigations suggest that cohabitation has little effect on how long a marriage lasts or whether a couple will divorce. However, couples often cohabitate out of necessity to reduce financial or childcare burdens. Life circumstances that push people to live together may contribute to the literature suggesting that cohabitation increases divorce risk.
How long should you live with your partner before getting married?
Cohabitation is widely accepted within the United States. 69% of Americans believe cohabitation is acceptable, regardless of whether a couple intends to get married. Of those who eventually married, 76% of marriages were preceded by cohabitation. While support for couples living together is widespread, significant debate surrounds how long a couple should live together before getting married.
Some evidence suggests that most cohabitating relationships last around 18 months, although not all of those relationships end in an engagement or marriage. Many experts recommend that couples focus on factors other than the length of their relationship when considering whether to get married. When considering divorce, the most significant risk factor is likely the maturity of the partners. Those who cohabitate or marry young, usually under age 23, are at a significantly heightened risk of divorce than those who enter into a cohabitating relationship or marriage later on.
Does living together before marriage lead to higher divorce?
Evidence suggests that living together before marriage may come with an increased risk of divorce. However, recent scientific investigation has shed new light on the previously accepted notion that premarital cohabitation leads to lower marital quality and higher divorce rates. The greatest risk factor associated with divorce and cohabitation is marrying or living together while very young, usually under age 23.
Psychologists Galena Rhoades and Scott Stanely conducted another study that identified additional risk factors associated with cohabitation and divorce. The first was whether moving in together was an active decision or whether it happened out of necessity. Those who made an active, considered decision to move in together were 13% less likely than those who moved in together out of necessity. Stanley calls this “sliding versus deciding,” referring to couples who “slid in” to cohabitation rather than choosing it actively.
Similarly, the reasons for moving in together were also found to be important. Stanley and Rhoades asked participants to select one of four reasons for moving in with their partner:
- “Made sense financially.”
- “Test the relationship.”
- “Spend more time with your partner.”
- “Inconvenient to live apart.”
Respondents who indicated they moved in with their romantic partner because it “made sense financially” or to “test the relationship” were significantly more likely to get divorced than those who cohabitated to spend more time with each other. The response “inconvenient to live apart” was not associated with an increased or decreased risk of divorce.
Which couple is at increased risk of divorce?
The best predictor of divorce is age at the time of marriage. Those who get married under the age of 20 have a 38% chance of getting divorced in the first five years of marriage, and those who get married between 20 and 24 have a 27% chance of divorce in the first five years. Furthermore, those who get married under 25 have a 60% chance of divorce overall.
Evidence surrounding the adverse effects of cohabitation follows a similar theme. It has long been suggested that cohabitation before marriage leads to lower marital quality and a higher chance of divorce. However, contemporary investigations suggest that the adverse outcomes observed in couples who live together before marriage may be caused by living together or assuming marital roles before both partners are ready to handle the relationship maturely.
What is it called when you live with your partner before marriage?
When romantic partners live together, regardless of whether marriage is being considered, it is called cohabitation. In many cohabitating romantic relationships, partners assume marital roles and act as they would if they were married. They may even merge finances or raise children together. Other cohabitating relationships are more reserved, with partners maintaining a wider degree of separation.
While there are mixed opinions surrounding cohabitation, it is supported by 69% of adults in the United States, and two-thirds of married adults viewed cohabitation as a necessary step before getting married. Those who chose to cohabitate to spend more time with their partner will likely experience better outcomes than those who cohabitated out of financial or logistical necessity.
What are 2 disadvantages of cohabitation before marriage?
Two commonly reported disadvantages of cohabitation are lower marital quality and a higher risk of divorce. Evidence suggests that cohabitation can lead to less happiness in a marriage, and it is weakly associated with an increase in the likelihood of divorce. However, recent evidence suggests that the maturity of the cohabitating partners predicts adverse outcomes better than simply whether or not they live together.
Cohabitating partners are less likely to experience a breakup or divorce if they move in together in their mid-to-late 20s. Regarding marriage, those who married under the age of 25 are significantly more likely to divorce than their older counterparts, regardless of whether they cohabitated. It is likely that some of the perceived disadvantages of cohabitation may be attributable to young couples moving in together too early, either by choice or necessity.
Is it smart to live together before marriage?
Living together before marriage has pros and cons. It is a common practice; 66% of married adults in the United States reported living together before becoming engaged. In addition, their report includes the overwhelming opinion that living together is necessary before marriage. Furthermore, many couples are postponing engagement and marriage due to financial or other concerns, leading to a significant uptick in the number of cohabitating couples who would likely already be married but are left cohabitating as they overcome practice obstacles to marriage.
In other words, living together before marriage is likely becoming a way to move out of the dating phase, achieving a new level of commitment as a couple prepares for the financial and logistical challenges of a wedding and marriage. This may make it difficult to interpret the data surrounding cohabitation and divorce as more couples live together out of necessity. Evidence suggests that the reasons couples select when deciding to live together are a strong predictor of divorce risk. Couples who chose to live together to spend more time with each other had a lower risk of divorce. In contrast, couples who lived together to save money or “test their relationship” had a 13% higher chance of getting divorced.
What are the odds of marital success if you live together prior to marriage?
Living together before marriage has been historically associated with an increased risk of divorce. However, modern studies have shed new light on the possible harmful marital effects of cohabitation before marriage. Cohabitation is a complex subject, and it is challenging to identify all the variables that predict a successful marriage, but contemporary evidence suggests that the risks associated with cohabitation may be overblown.
It is likely that maturity, relationship experience, and marital preparation predict divorce much better than whether a couple cohabitates before marriage. This aligns with a previous study by the Institute of Family Studies that suggests couples who get married before the age of 25 are significantly more likely to get divorced than those who wait until they are older. Similar effects have been observed in cohabitating partners; if two people move in together in their early 20s, they are significantly more likely to experience a breakup or a divorce ( if their relationship progresses to marriage).
The evidence suggests that ensuring a strong relationship foundation based on activities that increase commitment, empathetic communication, and problem-solving likely has a much more significant impact on marital success than whether a couple cohabitates. A couple can ensure the greatest chance of success by waiting until after the age of 23 to move in together and by developing the skills necessary for a happy future relationship.
What is the best age to get married?
Conventional wisdom suggests that the later a couple gets married, the more likely their marriage will be successful. In the past, this was supported by empirical studies, but contemporary generations are demonstrating a new trend. Evidence suggests that marrying young is still a significant risk factor for divorce. 38% of couples who married before turning 20 are likely to divorce within the first five years of marriage.
For those who married between the ages of 20 to 24, that number drops to 27%. Those who married between 25 and 34 had a 12% chance of getting divorced in the first five years, less than half the risk of 20 - 24 year olds. In a departure from previous research, modern evidence suggests that divorce risk increases for those married after age 35. In that age group, nearly 17% of couples will experience a divorce in the first five years of marriage. Based on divorce risk, which is a strong predictor of marital quality, the best age to get married is likely between 25 and 34.
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