What To Do If Your Husband Ignores You

Relationships can be complicated, and couples may encounter many different types of conflicts that can change their dynamic over time. In some cases, unresolved issues may cause partners to get to a point where they no longer speak. If your husband is ignoring you, consider the below perspectives to become aware of what the issue might be and some potential suggestions for addressing it. 

Why does my husband ignore me?

"My husband ignores me.

Does that mean my husband hates me?" Often, ignoring one’s spouse can be a reaction to an underlying problem in the relationship. For example, an accumulation of minor disagreements or one partner finding they no longer feel safe in the relationship might cause this type of behavior. However, the cause isn’t always due to an issue with the relationship itself. 

In some cases, a husband ignoring their partner might be due to trying to find space alone, whether from you, the children, a job, or certain duties. They might also be stressed about work, money, an idea, or other parts of life, potentially believing they lack the energy to maintain the relationship with the patience and attention you deserve right now. In some cases, a mental health condition may be affecting their behavior, such as depression, which can cause social isolation as a symptom. 

In other cases, ignoring one’s partner is a form of manipulation and abuse meant to isolate them, hurt them, or punish them. If your partner often ignores you when you’re trying to talk about your feelings or because you’re upset at them for harming you in some other way, they are using stonewalling, an abuse tactic meant to frighten the survivor and keep them from communicating their valid needs. 

If you are facing or witnessing physical, emotional, verbal, financial, sexual, spiritual, digital, or mental abuse or stalking, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. You can also use the online chat. 

Steps for improving your situation 

Below are steps you can take to work toward bridging the gap in a distant marriage.

Reestablish communication

If your husband seems to be ignoring you, a powerful first step can be to attempt to reestablish communication. That way, both you and your spouse can voice your feelings and concerns about the reality of the conflict you’re experiencing. If you haven’t yet had a conversation about what’s going on and you aren’t sure where to begin, you might try these steps:

1. Select a time when you’re both calm and available. Avoid trying to fit the conversation in when either of you is rushed or tired. Tell your husband what you would like to talk about and ask if it’s a good time.
2. Be direct, but kind and respectful. Instead of making accusations or blaming your partner for their actions, focus on your feelings and experience. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example, you could say, “I feel like I haven’t had as much quality time with you lately” or “I’ve been missing you” instead of, “You’ve been ignoring me” or “You’re spending too much time away from home”.
3. Ask for their perspective. Prepare yourself to hear their answer. Although the emotional distance could be caused by trivial issues, there are times when it has deeper and more difficult roots. Be prepared to take in whatever your husband says and process it before you automatically disagree. Even if you have a different interpretation, you can still display empathy by acknowledging that their experience is valid.

Give them space

Giving someone space can involve physical space, emotional space, or both. Granting space when they’ve asked, even indirectly, can show them that you respect their individuality, are able to wait for them, and have independence and boundaries. Time apart could provide them with a way to get the alone time they may have been lacking or the space to unwind, regain their sense of self, or sort out how they’re feeling about the relationship.

Continue to make efforts in the relationship

You can make any number of small gestures that contribute to the relationship without asking for anything in return. Think of what makes your spouse feel loved and valued, and consider doing that. For example, if you know your partner’s love language, doing something for them that fits into it can go a long way. One study found that people who expressed affection in their partner’s primary love language reported greater satisfaction in their relationships. 

Accentuate the positive

You might try reminding yourself of what you cherish about your husband, and then tell them. Consider verbalizing the compliments, gratitude, and affirmations you think but don’t always say. Be quick to affirm the places where they’re getting it right or are putting in genuine effort.

Work on yourself

It’s generally an unhealthy perspective to believe you need to change fundamental aspects of yourself to better suit or please your partner. However, self-improvement and self-care on both sides of a relationship can be helpful. Since you only have control over these aspects of your own life, you might try focusing on them for both your benefit and the potential benefit to your relationship. 

For instance, you could find new ways to build an even richer life for yourself, independent of your relationship, complete with individual hobbies and interests and people besides your husband whom you can lean on for emotional support. Making it a point to take good care of yourself physically and emotionally may also be helpful. Attending therapy to get in touch with and address any challenges you may have, such as low self-esteem or symptoms of anxiety or depression, may also be helpful.

What to avoid when your husband ignores you

In addition to considering the tips above, you might also think about avoiding some of the following pitfalls that may make the situation worse.

Bringing up the issue repeatedly

If you’ve agreed on ways to address the issue and they’re not following through, it’s typically appropriate and necessary to bring that up. However, if your husband is hesitant to talk about what’s bothering them or what they’re dealing with, it may be helpful to avoid pressuring or forcing them to communicate before they’re ready—within reason. Pressing on the same issue and arguing can cause them to feel defensive or frustrated, which can set you further back in the process of working toward a resolution.

Ignoring them

Being ignored by your husband is often hurtful, and it’s normal to want to retaliate in some way. However, ignoring them in return could close the door altogether on the kind of intimacy you want to build or regain. Instead, showing that you’re open to giving them space and engaging in a discussion when they’re ready may be more constructive.

Placing more demands on them

The added pressure of placing more demands on your husband could create even more distance in your dynamic. Healthy relationships generally involve a give and take as well as adequate room for all partners’ needs, but nursing a connection back to health may require temporarily asking less of your husband. Restoring intimacy in your relationship can be hindered by extra demands or getting angry.

Criticizing them

You have to pretend your husband is perfect or that their behavior isn’t affecting you. However, stable, healthy relationships tend to have more room for genuine, constructive criticism than relationships characterized by emotional distance. If your relationship is fragile right now, criticism and fault-finding could drive it over the edge. You might acknowledge the validity of your criticisms to yourself but choose carefully which ones are worth bringing up at this time, and how you choose to do so.

The importance of getting help if you’re being abused 

People who are experiencing emotional abuse tactics, like being ignored, often internalize these experiences and blame themselves. They may have urges to “fix” themselves or their relationship. However, know that abuse is never your fault. There is no amount of changes you can make to your own behavior or to the relationship that will make abuse stop. Abusive people will continue to find reasons to abuse you, even if you’re being “perfect” in the relationship. For this reason, seeking help can be essential in abusive relationships to protect yourself, your children, and your life. 

What to do if you know the source of your husband’s behavior 

You may have already spoken to your husband about the issue and now understand the root issues behind their silent treatment. In this case, you might be able to take steps to address it. Here are a few ideas based on the most common reasons for distance in a marriage. 

If your husband needs more alone time, try to give it to them 

Giving your husband space may be difficult depending on your life situation and schedule. However, healthy relationships often ensure the core needs of each person are understood and that there’s an ongoing willingness to meet them. Different people need different amounts of time to unwind, relax, and recharge. If your husband isn’t getting the amount they ask for, it may be impacting your relationship. Working together to carve out the time and space they asked for can be beneficial. However, if they are asking for an excessive amount of space or asking for space as a technique to avoid communication, you might consider whether their motives are truly for their own benefit or meant to silence you. 

If your husband is stressed or experiencing anxiety or depression, you might encourage them to seek support

In some cases, someone may withdraw when they’re experiencing a mental health condition. Consider encouraging them to get professional treatment. You might also educate yourself on their condition to learn more about how it might be impacting your relationship. There may be support groups or online forums for loved ones of people with mental illnesses that you can join to get support. 

If your husband is disconnected from the relationship, try taking their suggestions for renewing intimacy seriously

If your husband believes the spark is lacking in your relationship, you might think about how to bring it back, beyond only focusing on physical intimacy. For instance, maybe they want you to come home from work earlier one evening a week to eat dinner together or put off folding laundry to watch a show together. Being receptive to their ideas for how to reconnect and possibly contributing some of their own can be important steps in moving past this conflict.

How therapy can help

A large or lasting conflict in a relationship can get to a point where neither party knows how to address it. In cases like these, it can be helpful to have the input of an objective third person trained in mediating conflict between two people. A licensed couples therapist can be an excellent resource. They can provide a safe space where both people can make their concerns heard, and they can offer strategies for improving communication and resolving conflict to help you and your partner try and overcome this challenge.

For those with busy schedules, online couples therapy may be a more accessible option. Research suggests that online and in-person therapy offer similar benefits for various concerns. One study found that couples who did virtual therapy felt safer and less judged than those who did traditional, in-office sessions. If you’re interested in this method, you can connect with a licensed therapist through an online therapy platform like BetterHelp. You can meet with them individually and/or together with your partner via phone, video call, and online chat to address the challenges you may be facing in your relationship.