“My Husband Wants A Divorce”: Proposing Marriage Counseling & Other Ways To React

If your spouse tells you they want a divorce, it may seem like it came out of the blue, or you may have seen it coming. Sometimes, people who say they want a divorce genuinely mean they are ready to end the relationship. Other times, it’s said in the heat of the moment and can be taken as a warning sign that things are not going well, but that there might be hope for reconciliation. 

When one partner has hit their limit and is ready to end their marriage, it can be difficult for the other partner to figure out what to do. If there’s space for reconciliation, you must be ready to work to repair the relationship. If it’s truly over, you must prepare to move on. Here are some things to consider if you find yourself in this position.

There is life after divorce

Get support in online therapy

What not to do when you find out your spouse wants a divorce

While your initial reaction may be to get angry and assign blame, this is likely not the most productive way to manage the situation. The problems in your relationship are also unlikely to be fixed with small gestures like buying gifts and cards, begging them not to leave, or nagging them to stay. 

You might also refrain from behavior that can be seen as manipulative or controlling. For example, acting out, trying to get friends and family members to intervene, or spying on your partner are typically not behaviors that address the root of your relationship problems and can end up making things worse.

What to consider doing instead

You may not be able to change your partner’s mind about wanting a divorce, but there are some things you can do to let them know that you’re serious about working to fix the relationship. 

One approach is telling them that you sincerely want to save the marriage. With this approach, you might encourage your partner to share their concerns and frustrations with you and listen actively to what they say. Try to stay calm and respectful and avoid arguing or getting angry. The things they say may be hard to hear—but to decide if the relationship is worth saving, you have to understand how your partner feels and come to terms with the underlying problems in your marriage.

Considering marriage counseling

If you and your partner agree that you want to try to save the relationship, it can be challenging to manage this process on your own. Marriage counseling may help you identify problems in your marriage and figure out how to work through them together. 

Potential benefits of marriage counseling

Couples therapy or marriage counseling is not about assigning blame, proving one another wrong, or having the therapist and one partner ganging up on the other. Instead, marriage counseling typically focuses on improving communication, learning conflict resolution skills, recognizing and understanding patterns, setting goals, and learning to effectively meet one another’s needs. Partners can receive wise counsel from a trained professional, which can help them decide whether they want to try to save the relationship or if it is time to walk away.

Research suggests that couples therapy can be effective at reducing distress in relationships. Meta-analyses indicate that the average person receiving couples therapy is often better off after treatment than 70% to 80% of those not receiving treatment. This type of counseling can be effective for addressing specific problems in a relationship, from sexual difficulties to infidelity. 

Deciding together if the marriage can be saved

If you and your partner decide that you want to try and save the marriage, both of you typically have to be willing to put in the effort. If your spouse still wants a divorce, you could consider suggesting a trial separation.

My husband wants a divorce: Would a trial separation be beneficial?

For those contemplating divorce, a trial separation allows the couple to live apart for a certain period of time to evaluate their relationship separately and decide if it’s worth saving. The main difference between a trial separation and a divorce is that a trial separation does not legally end the marriage, while a divorce does. This time apart while still legally married may give you both valuable insights into the state of your relationship and whether you believe it can be saved.

How to use a trial separation

If you and your partner decide to try a trial separation, it can be beneficial to set some ground rules about when and how often you will communicate and how you will manage living arrangements and financial responsibilities. If you have children, you’ll also need to consider their needs. For example, it may be less disruptive for younger children to remain in the family home until a decision is made about the future of the marriage, so parents will need to make arrangements for visitation and co-parenting during this time.

It can also be beneficial to avoid starting a new relationship while in a trial separation. For best results, you might designate this period as a time when you’re addressing marital issues to determine if the relationship can be saved. Starting another relationship can complicate things. Instead, you and your spouse might benefit from carefully identifying the issues that you need to address and agreeing on clear ground rules, such as whether casual dating is allowed. 

Setting a time limit for the separation can also be a good idea so that it doesn’t continue indefinitely. Knowing how long you have to consider things gives you both a clear timeline of when you’re going to come together to reevaluate where you stand before reconciling or signing divorce papers.

Accepting that the marriage is over

It’s possible that even after marriage counseling and a trial separation, you and your spouse are still unable to reach a mutual agreement. Even if you’re still willing to work on things, your spouse may not feel the same way, and both of you need to be willing to commit to healing the relationship for it to be possible. If your spouse is unwilling, it may be time to accept that the relationship is over.

Legal considerations for moving forward with divorce

There are practical things to consider about a pending divorce, including managing and dividing joint accounts, deciding on child custody, and agreeing on what to do with the family home. At this point, it’s usually advisable to get professional help by contacting a divorce attorney.

“My spouse wants a divorce”: next steps

Divorce laws vary by state, so working with a qualified divorce attorney in your area is generally recommended. Your attorney can advise you on the divorce process, which can include financial matters, mediation, settlement negotiations, child custody and child support (if applicable/necessary), spousal support, and more.

“My husband wants a divorce”: how to prepare emotionally

Navigating the practicalities of divorce can be challenging, but the related emotional challenges can also be difficult to work through. Here are some strategies you might try to support yourself emotionally during this time.

Engage in self-care

It can help to be kind to yourself during this time. You’re likely to experience a range of emotions, from sadness to anger to confusion, which is normal. You may also be worried about the future and how your divorce will impact the people who are important to you, which is common as well. 

Remember that it’s perfectly acceptable to not function 100% when you’re going through a divorce. Taking the time you need and acting with self-compassion can be beneficial. It can also be advisable to avoid using drugs or alcohol to cope with your feelings or as a means of escaping them, since this can be dangerous and may lead to complications. Instead, making time to exercise, prioritizing sleep, eating nourishing food, and engaging in activities that make you feel connected or good about yourself can be effective ways to support yourself.

Lean on your support system

Talking to your friends and family can help you navigate the aftermath of your divorce and remind you that you’re not alone. They can also help with practical concerns, like dropping off meals or helping with childcare. In addition, you might consider joining a divorce support group online or in your area where you can talk to people who are going through something similar. 

Cultivate hope

It can be easier said than done, but it may help to remember that moving forward can have positives for you. There are many possibilities ahead, and aiming to cultivate some hope for the joys you’ll inevitably come to experience again and the better person you may grow to be might help you through this difficult period.

Tips for navigating a divorce 

Here are some other things to keep in mind when navigating a divorce:

• Remember that divorce is not a failure. Just because a marriage ended doesn’t mean it failed. It may help to focus on the good you experienced and look to the future with hope. 
• Take co-parenting seriously. In general, kids need reassurance from both of their parents that they are still going to be loved and cared for. Focusing on their well-being and avoiding putting them in the middle whenever possible can be important.
• Try not to jump into a new relationship right away. Most experts advise taking time to heal before starting a new romantic relationship.
• Work toward forgiveness of your ex-partner. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you agree with or approve of all of their actions, but you may feel lighter moving forward if you’re able to find forgiveness for your ex-spouse.

How to take care of your mental health

Divorce can be difficult to manage, and there are many emotional and psychological challenges that may arise. Many people find meeting with a therapist to be helpful during this time. They can offer you a safe space to express your emotions and process the divorce, and they can also help you build self-esteem or self-care skills as you emerge from this challenging time. If you're experiencing signs of a mental health condition, like anxiety, depression, or an adjustment disorder, they can also provide treatment through talk therapy.

There is life after divorce

Get support in online therapy

Considering online therapy

While many people find therapy to be a helpful tool as they navigate their divorce, seeking in-person care isn’t possible or desirable for everyone. Online therapy can be a convenient alternative to traditional, in-office therapy in many cases, since you don’t have to worry about the time and cost of commuting to an office. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can meet with your therapist from anywhere you have a reliable internet connection. Most people can be matched with a licensed provider in as little as 48 hours of signing up, which means you may be able to get support on a shorter timeline than you would with in-person providers due to therapist shortages. 

Convenience isn’t the only reason to consider online therapy. Research suggests that it can be effective in helping people navigate divorce, with one study reporting that “online intervention platforms may be effective in reducing adverse mental health-related effects of divorce and thereby offer long-term human and public health benefits.”