Need To Discuss Divorce With Your Spouse? How To Tell Your Husband You Want A Divorce

Telling your husband that you want a divorce can be an extremely difficult conversation. The finality of it can be deeply upsetting, whether it’s the result of years of discussion and marriage counseling or a sudden revelation. When it comes to navigating the divorce process, an open, compassionate, and honest start may help create a less distressing experience overall. Read on for tips on how you might approach this challenging conversation with your spouse.

When, where, and how to tell your husband you want a divorce

When it comes to having the divorce conversation, planning the right time and place is often key. It can be wise to avoid bringing up any such serious topic during an already-high stress time, such as when you are arguing, during family conflict, or after a long workday. Instead, you might find a quiet and neutral place without distractions at a time when you’re both feeling relatively relaxed and have plenty of time to discuss. If you have kids, it can be advisable to make plans for them to be somewhere else for the duration of this chat.

Staying safe when you discuss divorce

Another factor to consider before you open the conversation is to decide whether it will be safe for you to do so. In some cases of physical, sexual, or verbal abuse, you may need to seek help and protection before you start the divorce process. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Preparing for an emotional reaction from your spouse

Bringing up divorce is a difficult conversation, and you should be prepared for an emotional response from your partner. Even if you’ve been very unhappy together, divorce can be a massive life change with a wide range of repercussions. Your spouse’s reaction may involve being shocked, confused, angry, sad, relieved, disbelieving, or some combination of these. Acting with compassion, allowing space for the emotions that may arise, and aiming to respond calmly can help things go as well as possible. 

Also, before approaching this conversation, it can be important to be sure that you’ve already considered all other avenues and are positive about your decision. If you feel like there might be a chance for change or that therapy might help, you may approach this conversion differently. 

Choosing the language to use when talking to your partner about the end of your marriage

You might try to avoid blaming language, such as by frequently using words like “you,” “always,” or “never.” Speaking from your own perspective is typically more effective and caring. For example, instead of “You make me miserable,” you might say, “I haven’t been happy for a long time.”

Using active listening skills when your husband talks about the marriage

Your spouse may have a lot to say once you’ve said your piece. During this period, you might listen to your spouse’s perspective with respect and practice active listening. You may also try not to rush to respond or defend yourself, instead giving them the space to say what they want to say and offering verbal and nonverbal signals that you are hearing them. 

Discussing the practical aspects of the divorce process

A divorce will inevitably involve various logistics, such as determining child custody, living arrangements, finances, and other elements of the legal process. However, trying to discuss these particulars in the initial conversation about seeking a divorce isn’t usually advisable. This first discussion is typically a time to share your decision and for you and your spouse to start coming to terms with the emotional realities of it. Later, once you’ve both had time to process this discussion, you can start addressing the logistical side of things.

Other tips for when you discuss divorce with a spouse, husband, or wife

It can be helpful to choose your words carefully when you discuss divorce with your partner. Because this can be such a distressing conversation, some may even prefer to write out and practice what they want to say to their spouse so that they don’t miss any of the points they’d like to bring up. Before meeting with your spouse about divorce, you might also take a few moments to bring yourself into the right headspace, perhaps by doing some grounding exercises and preparing yourself to express yourself with clarity and empathy.

Establishing boundaries for future communication after you figure out how to tell your husband you want a divorce

Another topic to give some thought to is how you will continue to communicate with your spouse throughout the entire divorce process. Once you’ve both had time to process the emotional effects of your decision, you might work together to establish guidelines and boundaries in this area—for example, deciding whether you will work through a mediator like your divorce attorney and how you will discuss the divorce with family and mutual friends. 

Setting goals for the future after the divorce process with your spouse, husband, or wife

At some point during the divorce process, you may also want to discuss goals for the future with your spouse if the tone of the split allows for this type of conversation. For example, setting goals around how you’ll co-parent, how much communication you’ll have or won’t have with each other, and how you’d both like to look back on your time together could be worth considering. If your spouse refuses to participate in such discussions, setting these types of goals for yourself might be helpful.

The importance of establishing a support system 

Before broaching the divorce conversation, you may want to ensure that you have a strong support system in place to help you cope with the emotional challenges ahead. This can include family members, trusted friends, and/or a therapist. You might encourage your spouse to establish or lean on their support system as well. 

Seeking professional help navigating divorce

Even before you have the divorce conversation with your spouse, it may be helpful to work with a mental health professional. They might help you think through your decision from all angles and prepare you to bring it up with your partner. You may also choose to work with a divorce coach or mediator to have a neutral third party offer perspective and keep things on track. 

Getting support during the divorce process in online therapy

Therapy can be an effective way to emotionally work through and manage the stress of the entire process of divorce. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy is a common and effective evidence-based approach that may help you shift your mindset and offers practical stress management tools that may reduce anxiety or depressive symptoms, if applicable. 

For people navigating the divorce process, however, scheduling and attending in-person sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist may feel overwhelming. Online therapy can be a more convenient option in such cases. With an online platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who suits your needs and preferences by simply filling out an online questionnaire. You can then meet with your therapist through video, phone, or in-app messaging from anywhere you have internet.

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The effectiveness of online therapy

There's a growing body of research suggesting that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person care. For example, consider a study from 2021 that suggests that virtual therapy may be “no less efficacious” than in-person therapy for treating a variety of emotional and mental health challenges.