Should I Get A Divorce? Emotional, Financial, And Mental Health Considerations
Deciding whether to end a marriage can be exceptionally difficult. Such a decision often requires careful reflection on the emotional, financial, relational, mental health, legal, and other potential complications that might result from the separation and weighing them against the relationship’s key problems. Here, we’ll explore some of these considerations related to the divorce process to help individuals make more informed decisions about their relationship.
Should I get a divorce or stay? Considering the emotional perspective
While there are many reasons a couple may decide to get a divorce, the emotional component is usually at or toward the top of the list. Couples who feel that they've drifted apart or developed an unhealthy dynamic may be inclined to seek a divorce. That said, it can also be important to consider the emotional implications of getting a divorce. Regret, guilt, loneliness, relief, and hope are just a few examples of emotional responses people may have after leaving a long-term partner. Considering how the end of your marriage might make you feel can be important to think about before making a decision.
Common emotional indicators of an unhealthy marriage
There are many emotional indicators that could signal the presence of unhealthy marriage dynamics. These may exist in relationships where one or both partners:
- Have lost a sense of mutual respect
- Show an unwillingness to address issues
- Encounter recurrent communication problems
- Exhibit frequent defensiveness
- Face a loss of intimacy
- Contend with constant or near-constant fighting
Divorce may be a viable option if the spouses’ efforts to reconnect are unsuccessful and cause significantly more distress than joy. It’s at this point that the individuals in the partnership may begin to weigh whether staying married aligns with their long-term emotional well-being.
Should I get a divorce or seek marriage counseling?
Deciding whether to seek marriage counseling or get a divorce is a highly personal choice. Some people may have already decided they want out of their marriage and may not be interested in doing counseling first. Others may want to pursue couples therapy in an attempt to address concerns before opting for divorce.
Couples who face significant challenges may choose to attend marriage counseling to identify and analyze patterns that are negatively affecting the relationship and learn skills to improve communication, rebuild trust, and address conflicts. If repeated efforts have been made to reconnect and there is not enough progress to show for it, couples may decide that divorce is a healthier choice. It’s also possible to seek a specific type of marriage counseling—known as discernment counseling—that may help you and your partner decide if divorce may be the best option for you both.
The role of family in the divorce process
While a couple contemplates divorce, extended family members may act as a support system or add pressure. Depending on culture and collective family life beliefs, some families may encourage staying together—even in toxic situations—while others may advocate for leaving an unhappy marriage. External factors like these may complicate an already challenging situation.
Financial considerations related to divorce
Divorce often has significant potential consequences for the financial situation of both spouses. The way assets are divided or alimony or child support are enforced may significantly change a person’s financial situation.
Divorce proceedings themselves are also associated with high costs—especially in cases where the spouses disagree on child custody, alimony, and/or asset division. Lawyer fees, absence from work to attend court dates, and other expenses may put each individual’s financial stability in jeopardy. If an individual’s budget allows, consulting with a certified divorce coach, a financial adviser, an attorney, and a mental health professional may be helpful in reaching a fair settlement.
Seeking legal advice for family law and divorce cases
Some couples choose to arrange their own divorce with little or no legal advice, but this can sometimes lead to additional challenges. Family law and divorce cases typically require extensive documentation and an understanding of state-specific divorce laws. Legal representation can help ensure that each partner’s best interests are safeguarded during court proceedings and that all paperwork is submitted properly.
Mental health during the divorce process
The divorce process can take a significant toll on an individual’s mental health and well-being. For example, one 2020 study suggests that people who go through a divorce tend to report higher levels of stress, anxiety, depression, and social isolation than the general population.
Emotional strain may stem from the separation itself, legal procedures, and adjusting to a new phase of life without a spouse. Mental health impacts may also depend on who initiated the divorce. Research suggests that the initiators (be they single or joint initiators) tend to experience less severe impacts.
Sources of mental health support during the divorce process
An individual who is considering or currently going through a divorce will often benefit from having honest conversations with various people in their social support system. Having friends and family members they can confide in regularly as the process unfolds can be important. Finding a support group of others who are in the same situation can be helpful too. In addition, a licensed mental health professional can offer a safe, neutral space in which an individual can navigate the complexities of divorce considerations.
Family law and legal advice considerations: litigation vs. mediation
There are multiple avenues a couple may choose to take if they do decide to seek divorce, including litigation and mediation. In cases of severe disputes, child custody battles, or abuse, litigation may be necessary to ensure desirable outcomes that protect each individual’s rights and best interests.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
In other situations, pursuing an uncontested collaborative divorce may be possible. This route may help alleviate some of the financial and mental health concerns associated with divorce, as long as both partners are willing to share productive, open, and honest conversations. Mediated divorces negotiate the terms of the separation without going to court, and the process is often faster than litigation.
Getting familiar with the divorce process
When considering initiating a divorce, understanding an outline of the process may be helpful. The specifics can vary from state to state and situation to situation, but the basics are as follows:
- Filing the divorce petition: identifies the reasons for divorce and describes requests for child custody, child support, alimony, and asset division
- Formally notifying the spouse: Divorce paperwork is served to the non-filing spouse, typically in person.
- Receiving the petition response: The non-filing partner can then respond to the divorce petition.
- Receiving a default judgment decision: If there is no petition response, a default judgment is issued based on the divorce petition.
- Receiving a temporary ruling: The court temporarily settles child custody, child support, and other matters with immediate effect.
- Receiving the judge’s ruling: If both parties agree to the divorce terms, a judge officially declares the end of the marriage.
- Engaging in mediation: If the parties do not agree on divorce terms, mediation sessions may follow.
- Attending the trial: If the parties do not agree during mediation, the case will typically go to trial.
- Receiving the final judgment: The court makes a final judgment, the parties sign the agreement, and a judge officially declares the end of the marriage.
This process may differ depending on the couple’s location, whether the couple files for a joint uncontested divorce, and whether litigation is required. Consulting with legal professionals during this process is recommended.
Preparing for the legal process
Legal proceedings often require documentation related to finances, assets, and more. Consulting with an attorney early in the process can help you in organizing your documents and avoiding legal pitfalls that could delay the case.
How online therapy may support the mental health of those considering divorce
Again, a divorce coach or licensed mental health professional can be a key component of a person’s support system as they decide whether to get a divorce or as they navigate the divorce process. However, seeking in-person support may be inconvenient or uncomfortable for some people. In such cases, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples may be an alternative worth considering.
Online therapy offers a convenient counseling option for individuals looking for support in weighing their options or navigating divorce, or for couples looking to decide how to proceed. Because virtual therapy reduces geographical restrictions, individuals and couples have a much wider pool of options in terms of the professional they’re able to work with. Internet-based therapy may be particularly convenient for couples in long-distance relationships who can’t travel to the same location for regular sessions with a therapist.
The effectiveness of online therapy for marriage-related issues
For couples who are interested in giving their relationship another try before initiating divorce proceedings, online couples therapy may be an effective mode of collective healing. According to a 2022 study, couples therapy delivered via videoconferencing was suggested to be “equally effective as face-to-face therapy.” This finding indicates that virtual sessions may be a helpful next step for couples who are trying to decide whether to stay in their marriage or seek a divorce.
Takeaway
How to know when a marriage is beyond repair?
The Gottman Institute shares four signs that a relationship may be headed for divorce unless both parties are willing to put an honest effort into trying to fix things. These “four horsemen” that may signal the end of a relationship are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Couples who want to rebuild a healthy marriage will typically have to address these behaviors if they hope to heal their connection.
Does divorce ruin you financially?
The financial outcomes of divorce can vary widely depending on many factors, including the couple’s economic situation before the divorce, whether both are able to afford an experienced divorce attorney, and systemic barriers. That said, divorce does not have to ruin a person financially, and some people even emerge better off than they were before. Speak to a financial advisor and a divorce attorney with extensive experience for advice on your specific situation.
What are the riskiest years for divorce?
According to some data, divorces most commonly take place around the fourth year of marriage. Some experts suspect this may be because the honeymoon period has worn off by this point.
What is the #1 cause of divorce?
According to a Forbes article on the topic, most couples who divorce cite “irreconcilable differences,” which often comes down to partners coming to believe that they’re fundamentally incompatible. Infidelity and financial stress are other common causes of divorce for most people.
How does divorce change a woman?
The effects of divorce can vary widely depending on the person and their circumstances. Some women have a traumatic divorce that can lead to new difficulties in life, while others may find their divorce freeing and empowering.
Is it better to divorce or stay unhappily married?
In cases of major issues like abuse or toxic behaviors, it can sometimes be better for mental health and safety to divorce than stay unhappily married. However, leaving a marriage can lead to undesirable potential consequences in some cases too, such as financial distress, child custody battles, or a loss of social support. Each person has to weigh the particulars of their own unique situation when determining whether to stay in their marriage or not. Meeting with a therapist may be helpful if you’re looking for support in considering your options and sorting out how you feel.
How to stay mentally strong during divorce?
Divorce can be emotionally challenging, but there are certain strategies that may help you navigate this difficult time. Leaning on social support (friends, family members, mother, father, parents, siblings, etc.) and taking care of your own needs and health by eating nutrient-dense meals whenever possible, exercising, and sleeping enough are often recommended. It can also help to journal or create art as an outlet for your feelings and to practice meditation to help you with emotional regulation. If you happen to need additional emotional support as you leave your ex-wife, ex-husband, or ex-partner, meeting with a therapist can be useful.
What 4 behaviors predict divorce?
According to the Gottman Institute, divorce may be on the horizon in most marriages where a couple regularly experiences four specific behaviors. These behaviors that may indicate marriage failure are defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling. Both partners must generally commit to making real change in this situation in order to have a hope of saving their marriage.
What should I do before I tell my wife I want a divorce?
Before you tell your partner you want a divorce, it can help to realize that you’re sure of your decision and that you’re not making a mistake. You might then prepare what you want to say ahead of time to ensure you get your message across clearly and firmly but compassionately. It can also be advisable to have social support to lean on—such as family members, community members, and divorced friends—as the divorce process can be emotionally taxing, potentially causing fear, stress, sadness, and other difficult feelings. If you have kids, you might aim to make sure they’re not in the home when you broach this topic with your wife, husband, or partner.
How to separate from your wife peacefully?
One partner can’t control the way a divorce goes, as a peaceful separation or “collaborative divorce” requires the cooperation of both parties. From your end, though, you might aim to act with empathy, patience, compassion, and a spirit of “God bless” or “genuinely wishing you the best,” which may help promote a peaceful split and a positive future for you both.
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