Signs A Marriage Cannot Be Saved: Possible Divorce Indicators & Mental Health Impacts
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While virtually all couples will face rough patches and challenges, there are times when the underlying issues may be too deep to repair. Figuring out whether a marriage can be saved or if it’s time to let go can be an incredibly difficult decision. Here, we’ll discuss some potential signs that a marriage may be in serious trouble and explore how you might address ongoing conflict with your partner.
Possible emotional indicators that a marriage cannot be saved
A strong emotional connection is often the foundation of a healthy marriage. While conflicts and challenges are natural, certain deep-seated emotional problems may indicate that some significant changes will be required in order to rekindle love and connection. No one sign typically indicates that a marriage is impossible to save, but some potential emotional indicators that a marriage may be in trouble include:
- Persistent lack of emotional connection. The couple has become disconnected and experiences increased emotional distance. There’s no longer a sense of warmth or emotional closeness to a partner, and interactions feel forced or have become transactional.
- Resentment and bitterness. Past pain or unresolved conflicts have resurfaced without resolution, which can lead to resentment and bitterness over time.
- Lack of effort. One or both partners no longer care to fix problems or try to improve the relationship. Attempts to reconnect, such as counseling or quality time, may feel one-sided or unreciprocated, which can lead to emotional exhaustion.
- Feeling happier when apart. Spending time with a partner feels more like an obligation than a source of joy.
- Disrespect or contempt have replaced love. One partner has lost respect for the other. This lack of mutual respect can lead to interactions that feel combative or dismissive.
- Lack of trust. Broken promises, infidelity, and dishonesty have harmed a couple’s sense of trust.
Potential practical signs a marriage cannot be saved
In addition to emotional indicators that a marriage may need extra support, there are also practical signs and indicators to be on the lookout for. Again, these signs may vary from couple to couple, but they may serve as an indication that some parts of a relationship might need to change. Some practical signs that a marriage may need more support include the following.
Refusal to participate in couples therapy
Couples therapy can often be an effective way for partners to move past challenges that occur throughout a relationship. A couples therapist can provide emotional support and personal growth opportunities for people in a safe space. So when a partner refuses to participate in couples therapy, it may be an indication that they are unwilling to have a conversation about how to improve a relationship.
Resentment or thoughts of divorce
Unresolved conflicts or frequent disagreements can lead to feelings of resentment in a relationship. Resentment occurs when partners see one another as a cause of stress or frustration rather than a source of love and support.
In addition to resentment, frequent thoughts of divorce might also be a negative sign. While it can be normal for couples to sometimes wonder about life apart, regularly imagining or even longing for separation may suggest a deeper dissatisfaction.
Other signs a marriage cannot be saved
In addition to refusal to participate in couples therapy and growing resentment, there may be other signs that it could be time to move on from a marriage. These can include the following:
- History of emotional or physical abuse. Safety is a critical part of a healthy relationship. When a partner does not feel safe due to emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, it can be a sign that the marriage is beyond repair.
- Different values or goals. Although couples often have different hobbies or interests, it can be challenging to move forward in a relationship if they have widely different life goals or core values.
- Repeated and unresolved infidelity. Infidelity can make it challenging to build trust in a relationship, and a lack of trust can make forgiveness difficult.
Mental health impacts of a failing marriage
An unhealthy marriage can have significant impacts on the personal health and well-being of the partners involved. The physical and mental health impacts may vary in type and severity depending on the individual, but some common effects are outlined below.
Anxiety and stress
Engaging in constant arguments or feeling worried about the future of a relationship may cause anxiety and stress. Chronic marital stress can change how the body functions, putting it in a state of fight-or-flight. This state can contribute to physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue, and muscle tension as well as increasing the risk of serious long-term health problems.
Social withdrawal and low self-esteem
The stress of living in a troubled relationship may cause a person to avoid certain social situations. It can be a challenge for partners to socialize with friends or family members as a couple when there are unresolved relationship issues or when conflict drains a person’s energy. An unhealthy marriage can also cause low self-esteem, as both partners may feel unwanted or underappreciated.
Other physical and mental health impacts
An unhealthy marriage may also cause other physical and mental health effects. Physical impacts are often related to stress and can include things like increased muscle tension, headaches, and a weakened immune system. A person could also be at risk of developing a mental health condition, such as depression or substance use disorder (formerly “substance abuse disorder”).
Impacts on children and family dynamics
An unhealthy marriage may also impact any children involved. Children may experience anxiety and stress due to a tense home environment that’s characterized by arguments or emotional withdrawal. This added stress and anxiety may then affect school performance, sleep, social interactions, and other areas of a child’s life. Recognizing these potential effects may help parents take proactive steps to either mend their relationship or navigate separation in a way that prioritizes their children’s emotional well-being.
In addition to impacting children, an unhealthy marriage may also affect overall family dynamics. Tension between partners can sometimes spill over into relationships with extended family members, potentially leading to family conflict and division. In some cases, family gatherings and traditions may become tense or stop altogether if the conditions within the marriage do not improve.
Engaging in couples therapy before divorce
While some relationships may be beyond repair, others may be improved by working with a couples therapist. A therapist can help couples identify key points of conflict, navigate sensitive topics, and take concrete steps to improve the way they relate to each other.
A couples therapist may also help a couple identify and navigate any mental health conditions or concerns that may be impacting their marriage. Techniques such as cognitive behavioral couples therapy (CBCT) can often help a couple identify and reframe negative thought patterns that may be impacting a relationship. A therapist may also assign various types of homework for couples to engage in, such as practicing gratitude, engaging in active listening, or being intentional about setting time aside to nurture an emotional connection.
Connecting with a mental health professional
While therapy can be intimidating for some partners, it can be an effective way to help you make decisions about the future of your marriage and may also improve your well-being. According to research on the topic, “The average person receiving couples therapy is better off at termination than 70–80% of individuals not receiving treatment.” The job of a couples therapist isn’t to tell you how to proceed, such as whether to get a divorce. Instead, they can help you and your partner get to the root of the rift in your marriage and communicate more effectively so that you’re able to make an informed decision—whether you choose that you want to work on it or that you don’t want to be with your partner anymore.
Exploring the option of online therapy
While couples therapy may be helpful in many cases, the logistics can sometimes present a barrier to receiving care. For busy couples, it can be challenging to attend weekly in-person therapy sessions at a brick-and-mortar office. Some couples might also prefer to meet with a provider outside their local community.
In such cases, online therapy might be a more convenient or comfortable option. With a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples, you can attend sessions with a licensed therapist from anywhere with a personal device and an internet connection. This means that individuals or couples can get the care and support they may need from a location where they are comfortable. Research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person therapy, whether it’s for addressing individual stress and anxiety or relationship challenges between partners.
Takeaway
How do you save your marriage when it seems impossible?
Even if it seems impossible to save a marriage, you may benefit from speaking with a counselor. Individual and marriage counseling may offer strategies that lead to a breakthrough in communication.
When do you let go of a marriage?
It can be challenging to know if you have a marriage worth saving. Many people feel torn between holding on to someone they love and letting go of a relationship that is affecting their mental health. Staying in such a marriage may cause more harm than good. You may benefit from talking to a licensed counselor as you navigate this difficult decision.
What is the 7-7-7 rule for marriage?
The 7-7-7 rule is to go on a date every 7 days, spend a night away together every 7 weeks, and go on a romantic holiday every 7 months.
How do you know your marriage is falling apart?
It can be challenging to determine if a marriage is going through temporary challenges or if your problems signal deeper issues. One possible sign that a marriage may be ending is if it is significantly affecting your mental health—and not just because of temporary setbacks, such as financial stress.
What does an unhappy marriage look like?
An unhappy marriage may not always look the same. In extreme cases, it may involve serious problems like abusive behavior. In other cases, it might not be obvious from the outside. One or both partners might be experiencing an untreated addiction without any warning signs that friends or family notice. In other cases, couples may find themselves constantly arguing or dealing with broken trust as a result of infidelity.
What is miserable husband syndrome?
Miserable husband syndrome doesn’t refer to an actual disorder. Instead, it’s a term used to describe frustration, anxiety, and anger that many men experience as they age. This can be related to changes in testosterone levels, financial stress, loss of identity, or other factors. A man who experiences miserable husband syndrome may think he doesn’t belong with his partner anymore, but this may be a temporary phase related to factors outside the relationship.
What is the number one thing that destroys a marriage?
There may not always be one thing that destroys a marriage. However, according to the Gottman Institute, there are four communication styles that can damage a marriage: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These communication styles can make it difficult to resolve conflicts. They may leave both partners feeling trapped in a cycle despite their best efforts to improve the relationship. It may help for couples to talk to a licensed marriage counselor before they get to the point of not being able to communicate. Those who decide to see a counselor may find that they engage in less stonewalling behavior and more direct communication. Counselors often have experience with conflict in their own marriage that allows them to understand what couples are going through. Marriage counselors may be able to help couples work toward life goals from the same place, which may improve their intimacy.
Can a bad marriage cause mental health challenges?
A bad relationship can sometimes lead to various mental health challenges. Some people may develop anxiety or depression if relationship challenges remain unresolved.
How do you repair emotional damage in marriage?
You may be able to repair emotional damage if you address a lack of communication. This may help rebuild trust and help you and your spouse find common ground. Also, a therapist may be able to help couples in their efforts toward finding peace. Couples don’t have to wait to have a serious issue to speak with a therapist. Therapy may help them work through their differences and develop greater emotional and physical intimacy. Some people may mistakenly see therapy as a red flag. Instead, seeking therapy may be a strong indicator that a couple is committed to improving communication, which can be the very essence of a strong marriage. Couples may emerge from therapy as a united front as they confront the matter at hand.
What percent of marriages are saved by therapy?
According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 90% of people report improved emotional health after therapy. It can be difficult to determine long-term outcomes, but therapy may save many marriages that are in danger of ending.
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