Marriage Counseling For Infidelity: Couples Therapy & Mental Health

Many couples have experienced infidelity, which can trigger low self-esteem, trust issues, stress, post-traumatic stress disorder, and sometimes, divorce. However, many still want to work on their marriage after infidelity. Researchers have found that couples therapy can help build satisfying, stable relationships after infidelity. Through marriage counseling, couples can address underlying relationship challenges, which may enable them to become stronger than they were before infidelity occurred.  

What leads to infidelity?

There are many motivating factors that contribute to the decision to cheat, whether through a physical or emotional affair. A 2017 study of 495 adults who had cheated on a romantic partner sought to determine the most common motivators of infidelity. They identified the following eight factors: 

1. Anger or revenge: A partner may engage in anger-driven infidelity if they feel betrayed, frustrated, or misunderstood.
2. Falling out of love: The perceived comfort, safety, and stability of a relationship may make it difficult to leave, even if the love fades. This may lead some people, who no longer feel in love with their partner, to seek sexual intimacy outside of the relationship through extra-marital affairs instead of leaving. 
3. Opportunity: Some people feel like they engaged in infidelity simply because of a situation they found themselves in. For example, some people may become less inhibited while drinking alcohol, or have trouble saying no when propositioned by someone they find attractive. 
4. Commitment challenges: Individuals may engage in infidelity to avoid commitment or to end their relationship. Often, affairs happen when one partner wants to find a way out of the committed relationship.
5. Neglected needs: If emotional intimacy needs are not met in the relationship, some people may turn outside of the marriage to get the attention and support they want. This is often why emotional affairs take place; the person’s “other partner” or affair partner can meet the needs that aren’t being met through their marriage.
6. Sexual desire: The desire for sex itself can be a motivating factor for infidelity, and some people seek affairs when they feel dissatisfied with their sex life. In some cases, especially when multiple affairs occur, this can indicate sex addiction.
7. Desire for variety: Some people may crave a variety of sexual activities, non-sexual activities, attractions, communication styles, or relationships, and this desire could propel them toward infidelity. Committed relationships may lack the level of variety an individual enjoys.
8. Self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may engage in infidelity to feel more attractive, successful, powerful, or confident by demonstrating to themselves that they can still attract someone new. Their affair partner may serve as a confidence booster.

Risk factors for infidelity

• Past infidelity
• Alcohol consumption
• Anxiety or depression
• Parents who engaged in infidelity
• Partner with sexual dysfunction
• Marrying young
• Dissatisfaction with the marriage generally
• Lack of sexual satisfaction in the marriage
• High levels of social media use
• Insecure attachment style

Marriage counseling for infidelity

Marriage counseling is a form of talk therapy that takes place with both spouses present. The goal is typically the development of tools to improve communication, resolve conflict, and increase marital satisfaction to promote healthier relationships.

The role of a therapist for infidelity

Marriage counselors may incorporate a variety of evidence-based techniques into their practice.

Common techniques used in marriage counseling for infidelity: 

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): This type of approach emphasizes reframing negative thought patterns, developing clear communication strategies, and building healthy coping mechanisms. For many partners, couples therapy (including couples therapy) that emphasizes cognitive behavioral techniques can be particularly beneficial, with a 2020 study finding CBT can significantly improve marital social skills, relationship satisfaction, depression, and anxiety. 
• The Gottman method: This method focuses on avoiding the “four horsemen” of unhealthy communication—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—which often lead to relationship problems and divorce if left unaddressed. 
• Emotionally focused therapy (EFT): EFT  emphasizes repairing attachment, developing an understanding of underlying emotions, and building trust, particularly for the injured partner.
• Positive psychology therapy: Positive psychology therapy can help couples focus on the positive aspects of their relationship, and research suggests that it can improve the quality of life of people negatively affected by an affair. 
• Solution-focused therapy: This type of therapy emphasizes goals and solutions, rather than problems. When rebuilding trust, a solution-focused therapist might ask each partner to identify ways they would like to change their behavior moving forward, to prevent the problem from recurring. For those living with sexual addiction or other underlying mental health concerns, this may require them to seek individual help.

Other forms of support

Resources to improve communication after infidelity

• Books, such as Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli, Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage, by Steven Solomon and Lorie Teagno, or What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver
• Podcasts, including That Relationship Show, Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel, or The Couples Therapist Couch
• Marriage or infidelity support groups
• Support groups for sexual addicts
• Individual therapy
• Healthy lifestyle practices, such as getting enough sleep, engaging in routine exercise, and socializing regularly

Of marriages, 25% or more experience an affair. In some cases, it can be a cry for help that forces both partners to confront long-standing relationship challenges. Tom Buckland, psychotherapist and relationship expert, told GQ Magazine that, “80 to 90% of couples we see rebuild from an affair, and most have a better relationship than pre-affair.” Research findings also suggest that couples who work through cheating and stay together often experience increased relationship satisfaction after therapy. 

Online marriage counseling for infidelity

Like in-person therapy, online couples therapy can improve relationship satisfaction. A 2022 peer-reviewed study published in Frontiers in Psychology assigned 30 couples to either online or in-person couples’ therapy. The researchers found that both groups experienced significant improvements in relationship satisfaction and mental health, concluding that both were effective. 

Because online therapy is conducted over the Internet, couples can attend sessions from the comfort and safety of home, which may be appealing for some couples, considering the sensitive nature of an affair. Additionally, platforms like ReGain enable in-app messaging, so spouses can reach out to their therapist whenever concerns arise.