Marriage Counseling For Infidelity: Couples Therapy & Mental Health

Many couples have experienced infidelity, which can trigger low self-esteem, trust issues, stress, post-traumatic stress disorder, and sometimes, divorce. However, many still want to work on their marriage after infidelity. Researchers have found that couples therapy can help build satisfying, stable relationships after infidelity. Through marriage counseling, couples can address underlying relationship challenges, which may enable them to become stronger than they were before infidelity occurred.  

What leads to infidelity?

There are many motivating factors that contribute to the decision to cheat, whether through a physical or emotional affair. A 2017 study of 495 adults who had cheated on a romantic partner sought to determine the most common motivators of infidelity. They identified the following eight factors: 

1. Anger or revenge: A partner may engage in anger-driven infidelity if they feel betrayed, frustrated, or misunderstood.
2. Falling out of love: The perceived comfort, safety, and stability of a relationship may make it difficult to leave, even if the love fades. This may lead some people, who no longer feel in love with their partner, to seek sexual intimacy outside of the relationship through extra-marital affairs instead of leaving. 
3. Opportunity: Some people feel like they engaged in infidelity simply because of a situation they found themselves in. For example, some people may become less inhibited while drinking alcohol, or have trouble saying no when propositioned by someone they find attractive. 
4. Commitment challenges: Individuals may engage in infidelity to avoid commitment or to end their relationship. Often, affairs happen when one partner wants to find a way out of the committed relationship.
5. Neglected needs: If emotional intimacy needs are not met in the relationship, some people may turn outside of the marriage to get the attention and support they want. This is often why emotional affairs take place; the person’s “other partner” or affair partner can meet the needs that aren’t being met through their marriage.
6. Sexual desire: The desire for sex itself can be a motivating factor for infidelity, and some people seek affairs when they feel dissatisfied with their sex life. In some cases, especially when multiple affairs occur, this can indicate sex addiction.
7. Desire for variety: Some people may crave a variety of sexual activities, non-sexual activities, attractions, communication styles, or relationships, and this desire could propel them toward infidelity. Committed relationships may lack the level of variety an individual enjoys.
8. Self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may engage in infidelity to feel more attractive, successful, powerful, or confident by demonstrating to themselves that they can still attract someone new. Their affair partner may serve as a confidence booster.

Risk factors for infidelity

• Past infidelity
• Alcohol consumption
• Anxiety or depression
• Parents who engaged in infidelity
• Partner with sexual dysfunction
• Marrying young
• Dissatisfaction with the marriage generally
• Lack of sexual satisfaction in the marriage
• High levels of social media use
• Insecure attachment style

Infidelity itself is rarely the whole story, rather it is a symptom of an underlying issue. Addressing these challenges and rebuilding trust takes time, but counseling and therapy can help. Couples counseling, and infidelity counseling in particular, can help partners come together to rebuild a healthy relationship. Marriage and family psychology suggests that a trained therapist can aid in affair recovery and promote healing by helping both partners work through the intense emotions they may be experiencing and develop new trust in each other.

Marriage counseling for infidelity

Marriage counseling is a form of talk therapy that takes place with both spouses present. The goal is typically the development of tools to improve communication, resolve conflict, and increase marital satisfaction to promote healthier relationships. Through this process, couples can work together to address the emotional fallout of infidelity and strengthen their connection. Here are some possible benefits of marriage counseling for infidelity: 

• Improved communication skills through therapy help couples express their needs and feelings more openly. 
• Conflict resolution strategies are taught during therapy, enabling couples to address disagreements constructively. 
• Therapy also facilitates the restoration of trust, assisting partners in rebuilding a broken foundation after infidelity. 
• The emotional connection between partners is strengthened by fostering understanding and empathy during therapy sessions. 
• Increased intimacy can occur as therapy allows couples to reconnect and rebuild their emotional and physical closeness. 
• Therapy aids in understanding the underlying issues that led to infidelity and equip couples with tools to prevent future problems. 
• Personal growth is encouraged through individual therapy sessions, helping each partner tackle personal challenges that affect the relationship. 
• Improved problem-solving as therapy encourages couples to work together to solve relationship difficulties.
• A safe space for expression, where both partners can freely talk and speak about their feelings and experiences without judgment during therapy.
• Healing emotional wounds allows each partner to process pain, betrayal, and disappointment in therapy, leading to emotional recovery.

The role of a therapist for infidelity

Marriage counselors may incorporate a variety of evidence-based techniques into their practice.

Common techniques used in marriage counseling for infidelity 

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): This type of approach emphasizes reframing negative thought patterns, developing clear communication strategies, and building healthy coping mechanisms. For many partners, couples therapy (including couples therapy) that emphasizes cognitive behavioral techniques can be particularly beneficial, with a 2020 study finding CBT can significantly improve marital social skills, relationship satisfaction, depression, and anxiety. 
• The Gottman method: This method focuses on avoiding the “four horsemen” of unhealthy communication—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—which often lead to relationship problems and divorce if left unaddressed. 
• Emotionally focused therapy (EFT): EFT  emphasizes repairing attachment, developing an understanding of underlying emotions, and building trust, particularly for the injured partner.
• Positive psychology therapy: Positive psychology therapy can help couples focus on the positive aspects of their relationship, and research suggests that it can improve the quality of life of people negatively affected by an affair. 
• Solution-focused therapy: This type of therapy emphasizes goals and solutions, rather than problems. When rebuilding trust, a solution-focused therapist might ask each partner to identify ways they would like to change their behavior moving forward, to prevent the problem from recurring. For those living with sexual addiction or other underlying mental health concerns, this may require them to seek individual help.

How Do You Heal From Infidelity?

Healing from infidelity is a deeply personal and challenging experience that requires patience, effort, and a lot of self-care. Whether you choose to work through the issues in your marriage or decide to part ways, there are steps you can take to cope with the pain and start healing from the emotional fallout of betrayal.

Acknowledge your emotions

It's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness regarding your marriage. Suppressing these emotions can hinder healing, so permit yourself to process what you are experiencing.

Seek therapy

Marriage counseling or individual therapy can offer a safe space to express your emotions and work through the trauma. Professional help guides you in understanding the impact of infidelity on your relationship.

Communicate openly

Open and honest communication with your partner about the betrayal is essential for healing. Discussing the affair openly can help both of you address the underlying issues in the marriage and determine how to move forward.

Set boundaries

Setting clear boundaries in a marriage is essential for rebuilding trust. These boundaries include limiting contact with others or agreeing on specific actions that help you feel safe during the healing process.

Take time for yourself

Practicing self-care during marriage turmoil can help restore your emotional and physical health. Taking time for yourself enables you to gain clarity and strength, which is essential for making decisions about your future.

Rebuild trust gradually

Trust is vital for any marriage and must be rebuilt gradually through consistent, reliable actions. Both partners should actively work on restoring trust by being honest, open, and putting in effort.

Practice forgiveness

Forgiving your partner does not mean excusing their betrayal; it can help you release emotional pain. Participating in marriage counseling can assist you in understanding forgiveness as a way to let go of resentment and start the healing process.

Seek support from loved ones

Talking to trusted friends, relatives, and family members can provide essential emotional support. Their perspectives and comfort can help you feel less isolated while navigating your marriage's challenges.

Reflect on the relationship

Take time to evaluate whether the marriage is worth saving or if it’s time to move on. This reflection lets you make an informed decision about your future based on your emotional needs and well-being.

Other forms of support

Infidelity can deeply disrupt the sense of security and predictability that one likely expects from their marriage. Being on the receiving end of infidelity can trigger a variety of emotions, including jealousy, paranoia, anger, resentment, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, confusion, fear, and symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). 

The goal of marriage counseling for infidelity is typically to strengthen communication, emotional intimacy, and trust, which in turn can enable acceptance and healing. To facilitate this, couples therapists may encourage you to work on your marriage outside of sessions through other means. 

Resources to improve communication after infidelity

• Books, such as Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli, Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage, by Steven Solomon and Lorie Teagno, or What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver
• Podcasts, including That Relationship Show, Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel, or The Couples Therapist Couch
• Marriage or infidelity support groups
• Support groups for sexual addicts
• Individual therapy
• Healthy lifestyle practices, such as getting enough sleep, engaging in routine exercise, and socializing regularly
• Couples therapy allows both partners to work together to rebuild their relationship, enhance communication, and resolve underlying issues.
• Online therapy offers flexible and accessible support for couples dealing with the emotional effects of infidelity.
• Therapy for rebuilding trust, where specialized therapists help couples address betrayal and work toward regaining a sense of safety and security.
• Trauma therapy helps individuals heal from the trauma caused by infidelity and move forward with emotional recovery.
• Therapy for anger management is beneficial for partners struggling with intense emotions following betrayal.

Of marriages, 25% or more experience an affair. In some cases, it can be a cry for help that forces both partners to confront long-standing relationship challenges. Tom Buckland, psychotherapist and relationship expert, told GQ Magazine that, “80 to 90% of couples we see rebuild from an affair, and most have a better relationship than pre-affair.” Research findings also suggest that couples who work through cheating and stay together often experience increased relationship satisfaction after therapy. 

Online marriage counseling for infidelity

Like in-person therapy, online couples therapy can improve relationship satisfaction. A 2022 peer-reviewed study published in Frontiers in Psychology assigned 30 couples to either online or in-person couples’ therapy. The researchers found that both groups experienced significant improvements in relationship satisfaction and mental health, concluding that both were effective. 

Because online therapy is conducted over the Internet, couples can attend sessions from the comfort and safety of home, which may be appealing for some couples, considering the sensitive nature of an affair. Additionally, platforms like ReGain enable in-app messaging, so spouses can reach out to their therapist whenever concerns arise. This accessibility makes online counseling an attractive option for couples looking to heal and rebuild trust after infidelity.