The Mental Health Effects Of Divorce On Children: Helping Your Family Cope

Divorce can have a range of effects on children, potentially impacting their behavior and mental health and even their overall development. However, there may be strategies you can use as a parent to help reduce distress and other impacts your child may experience during this transitional period. Keep reading to learn more about these effects and how to support your children through divorce.

Divorce can affect the whole family

Navigate the transition in therapy

Behavioral effects of divorce on children

First, parental divorce can have a variety of effects on a child’s behavior, regardless of age. Every situation is different, but here are some of the behavioral changes you might notice in your child if you’re going through a divorce—especially if it’s a contentious, highly stressful, or prolonged process.

Infants and toddlers

While infants and toddlers may be too young to understand what’s happening, they can pick up on the stress in the home, which can impact their behavior. Young infants may mirror the emotions of their parents and cope with feelings of sadness, anger, or anxiety by being fussier than usual and more difficult to comfort. If the divorce happens when the infant is around six to eight months old, they may develop “stranger anxiety” around that parent that is not their primary caregiver. 

Older infants up to 18 months may become more distressed when leaving a parent for an extended period. For some, even being away from one of their parents overnight can lead to screaming and crying, and they may cling to their parent when they are together. 

Toddlers are beginning to try to make sense of the world, but they have difficulty seeing things from other people’s perspectives. That means their concerns related to what they’ve been told or are feeling about the changes to their household are often focused on themselves. For example, they may worry about who will make them dinner, if their parents still love them, or if the parent they are staying with will leave. As a result of parental divorce, toddlers may sometimes become more fearful or aggressive, and they may have frequent mood changes.

Toddlers are beginning to exert some independence at this age, so it’s common for them to say “no” and push limits. However, this potentially challenging behavior is likely to increase during a divorce. Parents may also see more crying and tantrums, and the toddler may complain more about physical symptoms like stomach aches.

School-age children 

Children in elementary school may react to divorce in different ways than younger children. They may cry because they miss the parent who has moved out, if applicable. They may also fantasize about their parents getting back together as a way to relieve distress or a sense of separation anxiety.

At this age, children may act out and react with anger and aggression toward one or both parents because they blame them for the divorce. Or, they may perceive a parent who moves out as not loving them anymore, and they may feel responsible for their parents’ feelings and bottle up their own. 

Older school-aged children around nine and ten may better understand the perspectives of others and the reasons behind why the divorce is happening. As a result, they may feel they have to pick sides and may attempt to fix the relationship.

Kids this age may have difficulty accepting that they don’t have control over what’s happening. They may act withdrawn or aggressive, which can make friendships with peers challenging. These feelings can push them toward other kids who feel this way due to their own emotional challenges, which can make them susceptible to risky behaviors and poor school performance. 

Pre-teens and adolescents

Older children tend to have a better understanding of what’s happening, but they may still blame themselves for their parents’ separation. Kids this age may try to hide their emotions about the divorce, and they may try to help out more around the home to try and reduce the added stress their parents may be feeling.

On the other hand, some kids this age may struggle to accept what has happened and act out in frustration and aggression. They may start using bad language or engaging in risky behavior like substance use. 

Preteens and teens may side with one parent and refuse to spend time with the other because they feel abandoned by the non-custodial parent. Older teens may refuse to spend time with one of their parents because they blame them for what happened or favor one parent over the other. 

As teens get older, they typically seek more independence from their parents and want to spend more time with their friends, but divorce can cause them to be afraid to be independent. They may rely on their parents too much for their age or spend excessive time alone, which can lead to fewer friendships and poor academic performance. 

Teens living in single-parent homes may grow up faster, potentially worrying about their parent’s financial situation or feeling the responsibility to raise other children, if applicable. When teens feel that their needs are not being met, they may also be likelier to engage in substance use and early sexual activity.

Developmental effects of divorce on children

Divorce can have developmental impacts on children, too—particularly younger children. Some of these are outlined below.

Infants and toddlers

At this age, children may develop changes in sleep patterns as a result of household stress about the divorce. For example, if an infant was sleeping through the night, they may stop doing so. Toddlers may regress and start exhibiting infant behavior, like wanting to be fed instead of feeding themselves or having accidents even if they are toilet trained.

After a divorce, infants may prefer the parent with whom they spend the most time. Separation from this parent can lead to separation anxiety as well as attachment challenges with the parent who is not their primary caregiver.

School-age children 

School-age children may feel that they have to choose between their parents, which can lead to longer-term emotional challenges. Kids this age may struggle in school and have trouble forming close friendships, which may impair their social development.

Adolescents

After divorce, some teens may stay dependent on their parents instead of trying to develop their own identity, or they may avoid their parents altogether. Developmentally, teens need some parental guidance but also need to take steps toward independence, so either of these reactions may impact their overall development.

Mental health effects of divorce on children

Research suggests that parental separation can have significant impacts on a child’s mental health. Parental divorce is thought to increase the risk of developing behavioral and emotional problems in adolescence. Teens who experienced divorce before age 10 may be more likely to have faced socioeconomic effects of divorce, which can increase these risks even more. 

Overall, children may be more likely to develop depression, anxiety, academic problems, behavioral problems, and emotional distress as a result of having divorced parents. That said, parents can do plenty of things to help their children cope, which may potentially reduce these impacts.

How to talk about divorce with your children

What else you can do as a parent to support your kids during the divorce process

It is possible for adoptive or biological parents or caregivers to help their children cope with divorce in ways that can help improve child mental health trajectories. For example, both parents should generally aim to stay involved in their child’s life and try to spend one-on-one time with them regularly. The exception is in cases of abuse or where there are other safety concerns.

After a divorce, family dynamics may change with sole or joint physical custody. Still, it’s often possible for both parents to commit to co-parenting strategies that prioritize the children. For example, parents might try to not put kids in the middle of their own parental conflict. They should generally avoid saying negative things about the other parent in front of the child, and it can also be wise to try to discuss things with the other parent instead of using the child as a go-between. Encouraging children to spend time with the other parent can also be beneficial. 

You might reassure your child that while things will be changing and change is hard, they will eventually adapt and everything will be okay. It can also be beneficial to keep your child’s routines as consistent as possible, as this type of structure can help many children find much-needed stability when other things are changing and uncertain.

How to recognize signs that your child might need extra support

Children of any age—even adult children—are likely to have a difficult time managing their parents’ divorce. As such, children of any age may benefit from meeting with a therapist or counselor. That said, there are some warning signs to look out for that your child may need professional help more urgently for a potential underlying condition. Generally, the following signs might indicate that your child would likely benefit from professional support:

• A significant change in academic performance
• Emotional outbursts
• Risky behaviors
• Signs of disordered eating, like binging, purging, or food avoidance
• Significant changes in sleeping patterns
• Withdrawal from friends
• Loss of interest in activities they once enjoyed

Again, however, remember that you can arrange to connect your child with a mental health professional even if they seem like they’re doing well. Counseling or therapy can give a child a safe place to honestly express their emotions and fears related to the divorce and get support in coping in a healthy way.

Considering family therapy

In addition to bringing them to a therapist who specializes in child mental health or adolescent psychology, another option for supporting your child’s mental health during a divorce is family therapy. Family therapy can be a beneficial way for divorced families, including co-parents, to learn how to navigate the new family structure together. It can be helpful to remind children that the goal of this type of therapy is not for the parents to reunite but for the family to learn how to move forward into their new life together.

Potential benefits of family therapy for mitigating the mental health effects of divorce on children

Family therapy may help children understand that they are still cared for and loved by both parents. While not all divorced parents may be willing to participate in this type of therapy after their marriage is over, those who are may find that it helps them understand how their behaviors affect their children and learn how to co-parent effectively.

Divorce can affect the whole family

Navigate the transition in therapy

Considering individual therapy

Divorce can be stressful, and helping your children through it while you’re also trying to manage your own emotions can be challenging. Working with a mental health professional yourself may help you work through your own feelings about the divorce and prepare to move forward in your life. 

While meeting with a therapist can be beneficial, it’s not always easy to make time for it as a busy parent. If you’re worried about fitting a regular commute to your therapist’s office into your schedule, you might consider online therapy instead. An online therapy platform like BetterHelp allows you to meet with a licensed therapist from anywhere you have a reliable internet connection. Most people who sign up can be matched with a provider in as little as 48 hours. Plus, research suggests that online therapy can often be just as effective as in-person treatment.