The Seven-Year Itch: How to Rekindle Love And Strengthen Your Marriage
Marriages often start strong, with couples typically experiencing deep feelings of love and intimacy in the beginning. However, some couples experience a rough patch around the seven-year mark, which is sometimes referred to as “the seven-year itch.” This phase can bring feelings of stagnation and emotional distance in couples, and some may fear their marriage is falling apart.
A marriage often goes through ups and downs, and maintaining a strong relationship can take effort and adaptation. While the feelings associated with the seven-year itch can be distressing for married couples, they may simply be a sign that a relationship needs attention and renewal. Below, we’ll explore some possible reasons for this common relationship challenge and provide strategies that may help couples rekindle their love and strengthen their marriage.
What is the seven-year itch?
The seven-year itch is a term used to describe a decline in happiness or satisfaction in a marriage or long-term relationship, typically around the seven-year mark. It suggests that couples may start feeling restless and disconnected after years of routine and the fading of the initial excitement.
The term was popularized by a 1955 film called “The Seven Year Itch.” It’s the story of a married man with an overactive imagination named Richard Sherman (played by Tom Ewell) who becomes enamored with the woman in the apartment upstairs (played by Marilyn Monroe). In the movie, Sherman’s upstairs neighbor moves out for the summer and sublets to Monroe’s character. The two spend time together as Sherman’s wife and son are vacationing in Maine. The whole time, Sherman is battling his desire for Monroe’s character.
Is the seven-year itch real?
Although the median duration of years may vary, the concept behind the seven-year itch may be based in reality. This is because, for many, marriage is a largely positive experience during the first years. This period is often relatively stress-free, as many couples do not have children yet and the marriage is new and fresh. As years go by, however, some older research suggests that the risk of divorce may rise—eventually reaching a peak and then declining, if avoided, as a couple continues to become more comfortable with one another.
Psychological and emotional factors associated with this period
There are some psychological and emotional factors that commonly underlie the rough patch that some couples go through in their seventh year of marriage. They may impact different couples in different ways. Some examples of these factors:
- Decline in novelty and excitement. The initial passion and excitement that come with a new relationship can naturally fade over time. This may lead to feelings of stagnancy and a desire to experience something new.
- Emotional disconnection. Over time, couples may come to focus more on responsibilities, like work, parenting, and finances, than on nurturing their emotional bond.
- Unrealistic expectations. Some people may enter marriage with idealized expectations of lasting romance and effortless happiness. Unmet expectations can lead to frustration and disappointment.
- Stress and external pressures. As a couple adds responsibilities—such as raising a family or buying a home—stress levels may increase, which can lead to irritability and challenges with effective communication.
- Unresolved conflicts. Small issues that were overlooked early in the relationship can build up over time and may contribute to feelings of resentment if they’re not properly addressed.
Common causes of the seven-year itch
The seven-year itch doesn’t usually happen randomly; there are common causes that often contribute to relationship dissatisfaction around this time. One of the most common may be routine and monotony. As a couple becomes more comfortable with each other, a relationship may fall into a predictable routine, which can feel dull or uninspiring.
Another major cause is increased stress. Stress—whether it’s related to work, finances, family, mental health conditions, or another factor—may impact a relationship in several ways, including contributing to a decline in intimacy and an increase in conflict. If left unresolved, these challenges may cause feelings of resentment and repetitive arguments.
Around the seven-year mark, some people may also experience a shift in self-identity and question what they truly want in life. This can lead to doubts about whether their current relationship is still fulfilling to them. Individuals grow and change over time, and sometimes spouses evolve in different directions. This shift can leave partners feeling disconnected.
Signs that your marriage may need rekindling
Virtually every relationship will experience periods of highs and lows—particularly during major life transitions. However, if a couple is experiencing extended periods of disconnection, it may be time to look at the marriage more closely. Here are some key indicators that a relationship may need renewed attention and effort:
- Increased emotional distance
- Decreased physical intimacy
- Frequent arguments
- Feeling like roommates instead of romantic partners
- Loss of interest in each other’s lives
- Lack of effort in the relationship
The presence of any one of these elements does not mean that a relationship is over or unsaveable. It may simply be an indication that it’s time to incorporate some strategies to change things up. When there are signs that a marriage needs to be rekindled, it may be important to take proactive steps to reignite love and passion before the distance becomes too great. Starting the process may involve communication between partners to identify areas of change and start working together to make progress.
Strategies to rekindle love and strengthen a marriage
The goal of rekindling love and strengthening a marriage can seem overwhelming and challenging, especially if a couple has been growing apart for a while. With this in mind, it can be important to understand that change doesn't usually happen overnight. Instead, with consistency and effort, it may be possible to regain closeness in a relationship. Some strategies that may help you strengthen your marriage include the following.
Prioritize time together
As couples take on more responsibilities at home and work, it can be more challenging to find time to spend with each other. Making an effort to prioritize quality time together nevertheless may help foster a closer connection and may result in more intimacy. There are many ways to spend time together, which can range from simply sharing small moments throughout the day to planning a romantic retreat. The important part is typically to schedule time to spend together and follow through.
Improve communication
Effective communication skills are often at the heart of a healthy relationship. As years go by, partners may assume they know each other and may communicate less as a result. This shift may lead to uncommunicated needs and misunderstandings, which can create emotional distance. Improving communication may start with active listening, where a person listens to their partner with the aim of developing a deep understanding of their needs.
Reignite intimacy
Rekindling love and strengthening a relationship often involves reigniting intimacy. Early on in a marriage, it may be easier to find time for physical touch and emotional connection. As both partners in a relationship take on more responsibilities and stress levels increase, however, it can be harder to find the same time and energy for this. Intentionally working on developing connection might involve setting time aside each day or week specifically for intimacy, whether it’s emotional, physical, and/or sexual.
Cultivate gratitude
Gratitude can be a powerful tool for strengthening relationships and deepening emotional connections. When couples make a habit of expressing appreciation for each other—in both small everyday moments and in more significant ways—it may promote warmth and a sense of emotional safety. Over time, practicing gratitude can shift the focus away from frustrations or unmet expectations and instead highlight the value and love within the relationship.
Set new goals
Goals set by couples early on may become outdated or irrelevant as a relationship ages. Coming up with new goals as a team may help partners rekindle love and increase feelings of excitement moving forward. These goals can be either big-picture life goals or small daily goals. Regardless, the key is typically to set and work towards the goals together.
Strengthening your individual well-being
In addition to working on strengthening your relationship, it can also be helpful to work on strengthening your well-being as individuals. For example, it may be helpful to develop a physical and mental health routine. This could include getting regular exercise, taking steps to improve sleep, and engaging in hobbies or activities that bring you joy.
Practicing self-care may also involve reducing stress and anxiety, which can help both partners be more open to emotional and physical connection. Journaling, implementing mindfulness strategies, and meeting with a therapist can all be beneficial. When individuals feel fulfilled and confident, they can bring their best selves to the relationship.
Mindfulness and therapeutic strategies for improving connection
For couples hoping to reestablish closeness, mindfulness strategies and therapy practices may help. Mindfulness strategies, including deep breathing, meditation, and journaling techniques, can help a couple gain perspective and see things from their partner’s point of view. They may also help them identify negative thought patterns that may be impacting their emotional connection.
In addition to mindfulness, therapeutic strategies may also support partners in improving their connection. One common type of talk therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). With CBT, a therapist can help a person identify and reframe negative thought patterns that may be getting in the way of developing an emotional connection.
Connecting with a mental health professional
Connecting with a mental health professional can be a constructive first step for couples hoping to reinvigorate or strengthen their marriage. A therapist can consider a person’s mental health and interactions holistically and provide professional guidance.
Attending regular therapy sessions in person at a brick-and-mortar office can be challenging, however. One alternative to consider is online therapy. Through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples, sessions can take place from anywhere you have an internet connection and a personal device. This means that a person can get the help that they may need from a location where they are comfortable. Plus, research suggests that online therapy can often be an effective way for couples to improve their emotional connection, and a therapist can use many of the same strategies online as they do in person.
Takeaway
The seven-year itch is the idea that, after a certain amount of time, a relationship may start to feel stale. Many couples experience passion and relative ease at the beginning of a relationship; however, as responsibilities stack up, partners may become less emotionally connected. It may be possible for couples to rekindle love and strengthen their marriage by intentionally improving communication, implementing self-care habits, and meeting with a therapist.
What is the psychology of the 7-year itch?
The 7-year itch doesn’t always occur in relationships, but one of the theories behind it is that people experience dissatisfaction with their relationship around the seven-year mark. This may be related to life changes that often happen around that point.
What causes the 7-year itch?
The 7-year itch may be caused by marital stress and unrealistic expectations. Also, by 7 years, the newness of a relationship has typically worn off, which may lead people to question their relationship.
Why is the 7th year of marriage the hardest?
The 7th year of marriage isn’t the hardest for all couples. However, some research suggests that the 7th or 8th year of marriage can be a common time for couples to file for divorce. This may be related to major life changes that sometimes happen around this time, such as having kids or putting more time into one’s career.
How do you fix the 7-year itch?
If you and your spouse are experiencing the 7-year itch, you may benefit from assessing your expectations. Some couples may assume that their relationship is ending because some of the passion has waned. However, this doesn’t always mean that a relationship is in danger. People may benefit from leaning into their support system of friends and family and speaking with a licensed counselor to head off larger concerns about their marriage.
What are the hardest years of marriage?
The hardest years of marriage may not always be the same for all couples. However, some people may find that marriage is more difficult when they have young kids. The demand on parents’ time can put strain on a marriage and make it difficult to spend time together. A married man or woman in this situation may question the strength of their relationship.
What year of marriage is divorce most common?
Research suggests that approximately half of divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage. However, this doesn’t mean that all couples will experience this phenomenon.
How long does it take to get over a 7-year relationship?
The time it takes to get over a 7-year relationship can vary from person to person. Some people may recover in a matter of months, while others may take longer to heal. It may help to talk to a licensed therapist about what you are feeling toward your wife or husband.
Why do most relationships fail after 7 years?
Research doesn’t show that most relationships fail after seven years. When marriages do end, research suggests that eight years can be a common time to end the relationship. This may be related to life changes that sometimes occur at this time. For example, a married man or woman may attain job promotions that require a bigger commitment. However, a spouse doesn’t have to accept these changes as an excuse for distance from their partner.
What comes after the 7 year itch?
The seven-year itch doesn’t always happen. When it does, couples may go through a re-assessment period when they determine whether to stay together or separate. Some may decide to end the marriage, but others may stay and strengthen their relationship.
How do you tell if your marriage is falling apart?
It can be challenging to determine with certainty if a marriage is ending. Some possible signs may include emotional distance and a breakdown in communication with one’s spouse.
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