“I'd Rather Get Lost Than Ask For Help Getting There” – Why Do Men Struggle To Ask For Support?
Consider the following scenario: A man drives down the highway only to miss the exit and get lost. The man's spouse keeps asking him to pull over to the gas station to ask for directions, but he refuses. This trope may be familiar to some men and those who love them. Perhaps due to standards set by the ideas of traditional masculinity, there is a stereotype that men do not know how to ask for help. Even if they know how to ask, they may avoid doing so. If you relate to this behavior, there are a few reasons it might be occurring and ways to get past it.
Why are men reluctant to seek support?
Whether asking for directions, hiring someone to fix a leaky faucet, going to the doctor in physical pain, or seeking mental health support, men may view asking for help as a last resort or a transactional exchange.
Men can be reluctant or feel uncomfortable asking for help for various reasons. For example, socioeconomic status, personal beliefs, stigma, and racial discrimination might impact this behavior. However, one of the most significant factors is often stereotypes regarding masculinity.
How masculine stereotypes may prevent men from seeking support
You may have heard the phrases "boys don't cry" or "man up." Men often internalize traditional and stereotypical views of masculinity, believing they must be strong, self-reliant, and dependable to have worth. Additionally, there can be a negative stigma associated with seeking support. Some may believe it means they are "weak" or a "coward." Even in a culture of wanting to help others, people may believe that help-seekers are women. These biases can be so entrenched in a man's identity that they might not notice that they are biases, not facts.
Extensive research backs up this social and cultural stereotype. One survey conducted by the American Psychological Association showed how only 35% of men would pursue professional help for their mental health, compared to 58% of women. Depression and suicide are both considered the leading cause of death amongst men. Overall, there is a significant imbalance between the number of men experiencing mental health disorders and those who seek treatment.
Other factors at play
Besides stereotypes, socioeconomic status, and racial discrimination, other factors might contribute to men not asking for help, including but not limited to the following.
Lack of mental health resources
Although it is changing, men may not receive education, resources, or proper awareness surrounding mental health concerns. For this reason, they may struggle to know when to ask for help.
Mental health campaigns targeted at men may struggle to showcase how men may think, feel, and function. As a man, you might respond more effectively to humor and certain types of language. The language used around mental health campaigns can be off-putting, make you uncomfortable, and dim your self-confidence in the long run. For example, words like vulnerability, anxiety, and mental health can cause men to check out and avoid these topics altogether.
Judgment
While judgment may occur to people in general, some men don't want to risk being judged as weak or submissive. Therapy, support groups, and mental health concerns can exacerbate these fears of judgment. However, as society progresses and people become more aware of the importance of mental health, judgment may become less of a concern.
Celebrities have joined in the efforts to reduce the stigma and judgment associated with help-seeking. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, nicknamed after his physical strength and emotional stability, opened up about depression despite fearing potential judgment. He said in a video, "I found that with depression, one of the most important things you could realize is that you're not alone. You're not the first to go through it. I wish I had someone at that time who could just pull me aside and [say], 'Hey, it's going to be okay.'"
Famous singer, songwriter, and rapper Logic opened up about his difficulties after performing one of his most personal songs dedicated to suicide prevention. He says, "I've been in therapy for years. I'm handling my issues head-on, not running from them…I was so scared for so long to say that because society has led me to believe that my anxiety is stupid and shouldn't be talked about."
These men have sought solutions to their problems, recognizing that seeking assistance from someone else is not wrong or shameful. They took actionable steps toward a healthier mindset when they couldn't handle it alone. It can be beneficial to be patient with yourself throughout this process. If you're not used to asking for help, it may take some time to be comfortable.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or text 988 to talk to a crisis provider over SMS. They are available 24/7 to offer support. 988 also offers an online chat for those with an internet connection.
Unique expression
Men may voice and cope with their mental health concerns differently than women. Women may respond more positively to the standard language used in mental health campaigns (e.g., "Your feelings are valid"). However, men can have vastly different reactions.
Instead of sadness, men often experience irritability, anger, and frustration when they struggle to solve their problems, even after asking for help. Men may also experience mental health concerns more in their bodies, leading them to believe they're dealing with a physical problem rather than a cognitive one. Men may also resort to substance use when trying to overcome challenges. Substance use can exacerbate existing issues, making it even more difficult to ask for help and move forward.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources.
How to reach out for help as a man
Men may see asking for help as a last resort or an option not on the table. Whether you're struggling with mental health concerns, financial issues, relationship problems, or another challenge, knowing how to ask for help when you need it can be crucial. Consider the following tips when trying to decipher whether to seek support.
Be honest with yourself
Self-awareness can be a vital skill. Once you've recognized a problem, you can begin to come up with solutions. If you've identified a challenge you can't solve alone, be honest with yourself about your need for support. Even if you can't put into words exactly what it is you're struggling with, being able to acknowledge that you need help can be a significant step toward healing.
Remind yourself you can be a positive example
If you have a son, brother, father, or friend who also struggles to seek support, consider how being open about your emotions may set a positive example for them. For example, if you are a father, showing your son that talking to a therapist is safe and okay may help him feel more comfortable with his emotions, breaking generational patterns of emotional suppression.
Commit to asking for help
When you realize you need support, begin working up the courage to ask for help. While avoiding pressuring yourself or rushing the process can be crucial, remember that some challenges worsen the longer they're left unaddressed. Being patient with yourself matters, but so does prioritizing your well-being.
Start with someone you trust
Starting with a person you trust may make you more at ease when asking for help. You might contact a close friend, family member, mentor, or coworker. Start small and gradually open up more about how you're feeling. If you have another man in your life who is more open about his emotions, ask him how he does it and what tips worked for him.
Consider professional support
Consider professional support if the people in your social circle are not equipped or lack the knowledge to support or understand you during a challenging moment. A mental health professional has the expertise and training to help you progress healthily. You can connect with a therapist or counselor online or in person, according to your preferences.
The importance of male-centered therapy
Male-centered therapists understand how some men may benefit from a unique approach. Connecting with a male-centered therapist may make the therapeutic process more comfortable and allow men to be more open during therapy sessions.
Counseling options
Some men who want to attend therapy may still face barriers to getting care, such as being worried about being seen by someone they know or difficulty opening up. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp seek to eliminate these barriers. For example, sessions can take place from the safe space of your home.
With thousands of licensed counselors, online therapy can make it easier to find a provider who understands the unique issues concerning you as a man. Instead of combing through a list of therapists alone, you can get matched with one. In addition, you can specify if you'd prefer to work with a male therapist and sign up with a nickname if you don't want to use your real name.
With suicide being the top cause of death for men in the United States, it can be vital for those facing mental health concerns to have the opportunity to receive treatment. Online therapy has been shown to be an effective intervention for addressing various mental health issues men face. In one study, researchers assessed Man Therapy (MT), an online therapy intervention focused on suicide prevention and help-seeking behaviors. The outcomes of the study showed that those who participated in virtual Man Therapy were more likely to seek professional help, including those who were typically unlikely to engage in help-seeking at all.
Therapist reviews
“As a young man who has been trying to do things the “strong man” way, I was reluctant even to consider help. Then my father began to wither in front of me, and I knew I was in trouble. There are some things that no one should attempt to do on their own. Ray, I hope you understand that you reaching out to me is something I can’t thank you enough for.”
Takeaway
Stereotypes serve to pigeonhole people into a narrow definition that doesn't fit all or most individuals in that group, including men. Rather than focusing on stereotypes, it may be valuable to use mental health language and resources that make you feel healthier and more like yourself.
Progress doesn't happen overnight; seeking help may remain out of your comfort zone. If you want a less invasive way to receive mental health support, consider connecting with a therapist online. You're not alone, and support is available.
Why can't I reach out for help?
There are a variety of social and cultural reasons men may have trouble reaching out for help, such as:
- Men are often expected to be capable and independent, without showing fear or having to rely on others.
- Other men may be reluctant to let others see them be vulnerable, creating the illusion that nobody needs or asks for help.
- Having people who are dependent on them, like children, may make seeking help feel selfish or wasteful.
- Social media may contribute to an unhealthy attitude about masculinity.
- It can be hard to find resources centered on men’s issues.
These are just a few of the reasons it might be challenging for men to ask for help when they need it. Not being comfortable asking for help may also be a sign of an underlying mental illness, such as social anxiety disorder, which can affect people of all genders.
What should you do when someone won't get help?
When someone who needs help doesn’t seek it, it can be tempting to project your worries onto them or pressure them to reach out. However, it may be important to remember that seeking help can be challenging for a lot of reasons, such as stigma, gender stereotypes, or a lack of resources.
While you can’t force an independent adult to get help, some strategies for managing the situation may include:
- Expressing your concerns openly and constructively
- Giving them information on where to find help if they choose to
- Reflecting on why they might be hesitant to seek help
- Offering to support them where possible
If someone’s health or safety is at risk, it can be important to seek immediate professional help. It can also be important to make sure you’re practicing self-care and tending to your own needs.
What is it called when you can't ask for help?
Having trouble asking for help might be described in different ways depending on the context. Some people might attribute this trait to stubbornness, mistrust, or pride, but it may just as easily be a symptom of social anxiety or past trauma. For men who have been told there is no point in asking for help as a man, or that asking for help makes them “weak,” it might also fall into the category of toxic masculinity.
How do you reach out when you're struggling?
When you’re going through a difficult time, it can be hard to reach out for help without feeling like a burden on others. This can be especially challenging for men, who may face societal pressure not to accept help or be vulnerable.
If you’re struggling as a man, some tips that may make it easier to reach out to others include:
- Recognize that everyone needs help sometimes. Nobody should have to be suffering in silence, and despite the story society may tell you, asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
- Allow yourself to admit that you’re struggling and be present with what you’re feeling. Consider writing about what’s bothering you, which may make it easier to figure out what kind of help you need.
- Consider starting by reaching out to people you’re close to, such as family members or friends.
- If asking for help feels intimidating or embarrassing, consider some helplines. You can contact the Crisis Text Line at any time by texting HOME to 741741.
- Be patient with yourself, and take pride in the fact that you’re taking steps to seek help.
If you’re struggling, seeking professional mental health support may also be worth considering. A therapist may be able to help you navigate gender stereotypes and develop a strategy for getting the help you need.
Is it bad to ask for help?
Between gender stereotypes, social pressures, and mental health stigma, it can be natural to wonder if asking for help is a bad thing.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or failure. In fact, it is often courageous given how much pressure people, especially men, often face to stay silent when they’re struggling. When you ask for help, you may be able to more easily address the issue and find new ways of solving problems. This can have benefits for your relationships, mental health, and overall well-being.
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