How Divorce Can Affect Men’s Mental Wellness (And How To Heal)

Divorce can alter various aspects of life, and many men find that the stress involved can significantly affect their mental health and self-esteem. If you've recently divorced or are in the process of divorcing, you may feel lost and want to know what it could mean for your well-being. Knowing what to expect may make it easier to manage potential symptoms, seek help, and adjust to your altered life circumstances. 

Divorce is accompanied by a more significant risk of depression, anxiety, substance use, and suicide for men. If you're experiencing these complications, there are a few ways you can remain resilient through your separation and divorce and after it has occurred.

You don't have to go through your divorce alone

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How does divorce impact men’s mental health?

Divorce isn’t a linear journey and the outcomes affect people differently, but specific impacts may be more common. Many men experience one or more of the following symptoms after their marriages end. 

Depression

Divorce often sparks depressive episodes in people with a history of mental health concerns, and research indicates that men are at a greater risk of developing major depressive disorder for the first time after a divorce than other genders. 

The dissolution of a marriage can significantly alter a man's life trajectory. This alteration may lead them to question previously held certainties about their self-concepts, personal relationships, and hopes for the future. Added stress about concerns like requiring legal guidance, financial settlements, and custody arrangements may also play a role in the development of depression.

Suicide risk 

A 2003 study found that divorced or separated individuals were more than twice as likely to die by suicide as married people. This increased incidence of suicide appears to be primarily observed in men — the same study showed that the suicide rate was nine times as high among divorced men as divorced women. Post-divorce depression often correlates with these risks, but non-depressed men can also be at a greater risk. 

Unhealthy substance use

A study in the American Journal of Epidemiology reported that divorce led to a greater likelihood of problematic substance use for both men and women. This statistic could be partly due to attempts to self-medicate to manage divorce-related stress and emotional turmoil. 

It may also be related to the loss of a beneficial influence. Some studies indicate that marriage can reduce the risk of substance use disorders. Spouses often provide a source of encouragement to engage in healthier behavior, and married men may be sensitive to social expectations of how they "should act." Divorce might remove these incentives toward healthy habits for some people. 

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources.

Anxiety

Along with depression and substance use, men's anxiety often increases after a divorce. Many men feel less stability and certainty about their lives after they lose their longtime partners, which can make it harder to avoid dwelling on anxious thoughts. The idea of second marriages may also cause anxiety about losing another partner down the road, which can prevent them from seeking new relationships.

Child support stress

Added to that for couples with children, divorce can introduce additional stressors related to co-parenting, the financial implications of child custody and child support, and ensuring the happiness of their children’s lives following the fallout of the divorce process. The impact of a divorce on children's emotional and mental health can be distressing for parents. 

Life after divorce for men

Emotional support

Though you might have heard stereotypes about how men and women think, there's little evidence for substantial brain differences between genders. So, you might wonder what unique challenges men struggle with after a divorce. 

A lack of emotional support may be one piece of the puzzle. Surveys have found that men are about twice as likely as women to have no one to turn to for comfort in difficult times. For many married couples, their partner is their sole source of emotional support. During a divorce, women might have a social circle they can lean on. However, due to social stigmas against men, many don't have close friends they feel they can rely on for emotional support.

Seeking professional help

Men may also have more difficulty seeking professional help with mental health issues. Numerous studies have shown that men are reluctant to engage in therapy even when dealing with serious mental health challenges. This challenge is more common in men who have internalized gender stereotypes, such as the idea that self-discovery or expressing feelings is a "feminine" trait. This unwillingness to get help can mean that men have difficulty recovering from the emotional impact of divorce or may experience bouts prolonged sadness. This may lengthen the time they feel angry, it may also negatively impact future relationships, or prevent them from finding a fresh start once the dust settles.

How to take care of your mental health after divorce

The statistics described above might sound daunting if you're a man going through a divorce. However, you can support your well-being through this challenging process in many ways, including the following. 

Maintain your physical health

Married men tend to be less likely to overuse substances. However, that's not the only way marriage encourages healthy habits in men. On average, married men:

• Exercise more
• Eat healthier
• Visit the doctor more regularly
• Get better sleep

These lifestyle factors are associated with lower rates of depression and anxiety, including decreased incidence of many other diseases. However, after divorce, many men let these positive habits slip because their spouse encouraged them to partake in healthy habits and cared for them. 

If you've been letting your partner schedule your doctor visits and plan your meals, you may benefit from making an effort to take charge of your own health in the wake of a divorce. If you feel in control of all aspects of your life, you might feel more confident coping with the loss of someone you cared for. 

Spend time with other people

You can start by reaching out to your existing family and friends. They may understand that you're going through a difficult time and be happy to spend time with you. This period could also be an opportunity to make new connections. You could try to find hobby groups, intramural sports teams, or other social events to attend. Support groups for divorced people can also provide a community of people who can relate to what you're going through. 

Accept and express your feelings

Some men feel it's best to avoid thinking or discussing what is causing them distress. They may wish to avoid burdening others with their troubles, or they may feel that discussing their feelings is unmasculine. However, studies on emotional processing show that trying to suppress distressing thoughts increases the frequency. Trying to bury your feelings about your divorce may make it more challenging to heal or may affect your next relationship.

Instead, it may be beneficial to acknowledge upsetting emotions like sadness, anger, fear, and humiliation when they arise. You can accept that you feel a certain way without letting it dictate your actions, and doing so may help these unwanted emotions dissipate.

Finding a trusted friend, family relative, or mental health professional to talk to can also be helpful. Psychologists have found that the act of putting your emotions into words may help defuse distress associated with them. This impact might be because by verbalizing your feelings, you're getting the more logical parts of your brain involved. However, constantly complaining might have the opposite effect, so try to talk about areas of joy in your life as well.

You don't have to go through your divorce alone

Get online support from a trained therapist

Look for opportunities to grow

Though getting divorced can be a traumatic and disruptive experience, it doesn't necessarily have to be entirely negative. Some people report having richer lives and a deeper understanding of themselves and the world after a divorce. This process may take time and involve pain. However, looking at your divorce as a chance to grow as a person could help you remain resilient despite challenges. 

You can start by asking yourself what you've learned about yourself from the conflicts between you and your partner. Disputes within intimate, long-term relationships often reveal differences in personal values, potentially aiding you in understanding what matters most to you. You may also be able to use your newfound independence to pursue personal goals you were putting on hold.

Divorce could also push you to set aside personal differences with your former spouse to build a co-parenting strategy that enables your children to thrive. This challenge can be an opportunity to strengthen your relationships with your children and build more vital interpersonal skills with people you might have a conflict with. 

Speak to a therapist 

Support from an experienced mental health professional can be a crucial factor in navigating life after marriage. It can be easy to neglect your mental health when managing stressors accompanying divorce. Many people become mental health professionals because of its tendency to attract natural caretakers who want to see others succeed and be happy. Online therapy may be a valuable approach since it's often easier to schedule and attend appointments when you don't have to leave the house. The convenience of internet therapy can help you prioritize your mental health.

Researchers studying online therapy have repeatedly found that it can treat many mental health challenges. A 2008 meta-analysis concluded that there was "no difference in effectiveness" between online and face-to-face therapy. Talking with a therapist online can help you mourn your divorce appropriately and find constructive ways to move forward. In addition, another study found that online therapy was often preferable to men than women since it offered a more discreet way to receive support, and many men were reluctant to reach out to in-person therapists out of embarrassment. 

With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can sign up under a nickname and choose between phone, video, or chat sessions with your therapist, allowing a degree of innominateness you might not get with an in-person counselor.