Navigating The Changes Of A Midlife Crisis And Divorce

As many as 13.3% of women between the ages of 38 and 50 report experiencing a midlife crisis. While a midlife crisis can cause stress in a marriage, it doesn’t inevitably lead to divorce. In this article, we’ll discuss how a midlife crisis, for any partner, may contribute to relationship conflict. Next, we’ll explore four ways couples can stay engaged and connected when one partner experiences symptoms of a midlife crisis.

Women’s midlife crises and divorce: Is there a connection?

If you’re researching divorce and midlife crises in women, you may be wondering whether it’s true that a wife’s midlife crisis can lead to divorce. If you’re a woman approaching midlife, you may be worried about your mental health and the stability of your marriage, career, family, and friendships.

To date, there is not enough evidence to suggest that midlife crises routinely lead to divorce regardless of the gender of the person experiencing the crisis. In some cases, a divorce during midlife may generate a sense of inner turmoil about your identity, choices, and mortality–what one might call a midlife crisis.

While some people may resonate with this description of a midlife crisis, there are numerous ways to describe the feeling and outside perception of this experience. Across genders, common signs of a midlife crisis may include:

• Symptoms of depression and anxiety or overall unhappiness
• Changes in sexual desire
• A lack or loss of motivation to engage in hobbies and other pleasurable activities
• Dissatisfaction with or doubt about career, family, marriage, and other past choices
• Dramatic changes in appearance, spending habits, and other lifestyle choices

In women, these signs may be accompanied by biological changes such as menopause. As individuals with a gynecological reproductive system reach menopause (on average, around the age of 51), they gradually produce less estrogen and eventually stop menstruating. Throughout this process, some individuals undergo emotional changes, hot and cold flashes, and insomnia, all of which can prove challenging for their mental health and relationships.

In consideration of menopause and other physical changes, along with shifts related to family and career, some divorced women may have concluded that going through a midlife crisis ultimately led to their divorce.

Midlife crisis and divorce: The statistics vs. individual experiences

Divorces are more common among middle-aged people. Based on 2016 marital data collected by the US Census Bureau, 34% of women and 33% of men ages 20 or older who had married had also divorced, while about 43% of both men and women ages 55 to 64 had divorced. The Pew Research Center reported that the divorce rate for adults 50 and older had risen by 109% from 1990 to 2015, compared to a 14% increase among people ages 40 to 49 and a 21% decline in people ages 25 to 39.

These statistics can partly be attributed to the accumulation of life experience. When you spend more years with a partner, you may develop a deeper bond and accumulate more grievances and doubts about the relationship. As a woman (or the spouse of a woman), you have the autonomy to describe your midlife experiences and create your own narrative about your marriage. A midlife crisis doesn’t have to end in divorce. Alternatively, these natural changes and fluctuations can create an opportunity for couples to address any marital concerns and grow closer together.

Navigating midlife crises: Four tips for married couples

If you or your partner are confronting the realizations that may come with middle age, the following tips may help you talk about your feelings and focus on your shared goals for the future. 

1. Schedule intentional, distraction-free time to connect

If you and your spouse have been married for many years, you may take each other’s company for granted. Regardless of how much you love and care for each other, you may start to feel abandoned or overlooked by your spouse, particularly if you’re balancing family obligations with career goals.

While you may not be able to press pause on a busy household, you can schedule intentional time with your spouse–even for 20 minutes in the evening or 15 minutes in the morning before your children wake up. However fleeting, these moments of quality time with your partner can be crucial opportunities to check in and connect at the bookends of each day. 

Quality time doesn’t necessarily need to be elaborate, either. You can catch up over coffee in the morning, read the same book together before bed, or hide your phones and chat on the sofa after dinner. Whatever the activity, aim to eliminate distractions and schedule the time into your calendar, just like you would for a doctor’s appointment or work meeting.

2. Try new hobbies together

Whether you’re married or single, hobbies can be powerful sources of meaning, connection, and fun. If you’re trying to rekindle the initial “spark” in your marriage, consider trying a new hobby together, such as a physical activity like running or tennis, a creative outlet, or another intriguing pursuit. 

The nature of the hobby you choose may be less important than the process of learning, discovering, and deriving joy from a new activity. Research shows that hobbies and other voluntary leisure activities can improve psychological and physical outcomes, including lowering blood pressure and the risk of depression.

For some, hobbies are a form of play, which can help married couples perceive themselves as younger, more invigorated, and more in sync with themselves and their partners. 

3. Talk about aging

In certain cultures, aging can be a sensitive subject. Some people avoid acknowledgments or discussions of aging altogether. Instead, they may focus on retaining their youthfulness through exercise, healthy eating, makeup, or plastic surgery.

Health professionals often discuss the benefits of a healthy diet, exercise routine, and continuing to invest in your physical health beyond young adulthood. If a fear of aging guides your decisions, however, it may be beneficial to step back and reflect on your relationship with aging, both as an individual and in your marriage.

The concept of aging well can be different for everyone, and you’re allowed to make healthy changes and adaptations that suit your goals for longevity. Talking about aging with your spouse may provide perspective on the topic and encourage you to challenge unrealistic or unkind thoughts about your body and be more vulnerable and open with each other.

4. Reach out to a marriage or couples counselor

In response to the challenges and uncertainties of midlife, some women and couples seek an external, therapeutic perspective. Whether you attend therapy alone or with your spouse, a therapist may gently challenge you to unpack your beliefs about aging, marriage, and everything in between. 

While some people favor in-person therapy, a growing number of patients prefer online therapy. Many people experiencing a midlife crisis struggle with lack of motivation and therefore may struggle or feel ashamed to seek help. With online therapy, you can speak with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home. You can also message your therapist at any time, which may be helpful if you’re navigating symptoms of depression throughout the day.

Several studies support the value of online therapy, including a 2019 study of an online intervention for 151 distressed couples. The study assessed the effectiveness of an eight-hour online version of integrative behavioral couples therapy. One year after the program, the quality of couples’ relationships had significantly improved. Immediately after finishing the program, the researchers also noted significant improvements in couples’ symptoms of anxiety, depression, and perceived health. These improvements were meaningful and lasting, indicating the potential of a brief online intervention to improve the lives of distressed couples.