Navigating A Midlife Crisis In Marriage: Therapy And Other Solutions

If you and your spouse are approaching middle age, you may be looking forward to your relationship deepening and becoming even more satisfying. Perhaps you think you may have more time for each other after the children have grown up and moved out, or maybe you’ve been dreaming of a day when you’ve accumulated enough savings to travel around the world. But sometimes, when couples enter middle age, they may confront an unexpected stressor in their marriage: a midlife crisis. If one member of a marriage feels like they have lost their sense of purpose in life, it can seriously strain the relationship. A midlife crisis can cause depressive symptoms, reduce your sex drive, and lead to constant neglect of duties. However, online couples therapy and other resources may help you maintain a healthy relationship, even when a midlife crisis is occurring.

What is a midlife crisis?

In general, there is no set definition of a “midlife crisis,” as it can be seen as more of a live phenomenon, not a mental health disorder or psychological condition.

History of the concept

The phrase is usually believed to have been coined by the social scientist Elliott Jaques in 1965 and has since come to signify a period in one’s middle age (usually between the ages of 40 and 60) when one typically reckons with past life choices and may be inspired to make dramatic changes. 

Common sources of midlife crises

Experiencing a midlife crisis can be precipitated by a reminder of one’s mortality, such as a parent passing away from old age. It can also be brought on by a significant life event, such as passing a milestone birthday or having grown children move out of the house. Whatever the cause, a midlife crisis can lead to someone reevaluating their life choices and potentially wanting to “start over” with a new life. As you might imagine, such a dramatic shift in thinking can significantly impact a person’s relationship with their spouse. 

How a midlife crisis in marriage can impact you

Whether it is you or your spouse who is experiencing a midlife crisis (or if both of you are experiencing a midlife crisis at the same time!), any personal transition or emotional turbulence in your life will likely impact your relationship.

Signs of a midlife crisis

People can experience midlife crises differently, but several common midlife crisis experiences may be particularly stressful for married couples, potentially including the following: 

• Depressive symptoms: A lack of energy, a sense of hopelessness, irritability, a lack of will, etc.
• Changes in libido and sex drive that could result in a mismatch in sexual desire between you and your spouse
• Neglect of responsibilities related to work, caretaking, household needs, family obligations, friendships, etc.
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking alcohol, using substances, or engaging in emotional eating, excessive exercise, or retail therapy (this can be where the “buying flashy new sports cars” midlife crisis stereotype may come into play) 
• Making significant life changes that may put pressure on your spouse, such as changing jobs or deciding to relocate
• Engaging in affairs or inappropriate extramarital relationships

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

How to support your marriage through a midlife crisis

Practicing self-reflection

One of the most significant symptoms of a midlife crisis can be dissatisfaction with everything in one’s life. For some people, this feeling may extend to their relationship with their spouse, and they may feel they need to end their marriage. If this is happening to you or your partner, it may be worthwhile to pause and critically examine where these feelings are coming from. 

Your marriage may have changed to the point where it is likely no longer providing you with adequate support, and the healthiest choice may be to move on. But it is also likely that one or both of you may be projecting, i.e., taking your discontent with another area of your life and associating those feelings with your relationship and partner. The feelings may be originating elsewhere – perhaps you have not reached the personal goals you believed you would have achieved by this point in life, or you are not finding fulfillment within your job or career.

Reflecting on your feelings can help you understand them better and take steps to address them, which may or may not involve working on relationship concerns with your spouse. Keeping an emotions journal or developing a meditation practice can be beneficial ways to reconnect with what is happening inside your brain and develop an enhanced understanding of yourself. 

Focusing on self-care

Whether it is you or your spouse experiencing a midlife crisis, taking care of yourself during an exceptionally stressful time can be helpful. If your spouse is experiencing a midlife crisis, taking time just for you can be a helpful reminder that while you cannot control other people, you can control yourself. If you are experiencing a midlife crisis, self-care can help you process your emotions and resolve your concerns.

Self-care can take many forms – it doesn’t have to match any self-care stereotypes, such as massages or bubble baths (though those can be beneficial!). Self-care can mean being intentional about what you eat, allocating some time for basic exercise, or even taking 20 minutes daily to sit peacefully with your thoughts. Whatever helps ground you and makes you feel whole can be a form of self-care that supports you through an emotionally intense time. 

Speaking with a mental health professional

Midlife crises can contribute to tension and resentment between spouses. Sometimes, it can be helpful for both people in the marriage to talk to a neutral third party about their relationship. A counselor can help each spouse work through their feelings about aging and their marriage. They can also help partners address areas of tension that may contribute to conflict. 

Navigating a midlife crisis in marriage with online therapy

Many middle-aged couples may be overwhelmed with obligations related to family or work responsibilities. Finding time in their calendars to commute to an in-person therapy appointment might be difficult. Access to online therapy from their home may be beneficial, and flexible scheduling arrangements can make it easier for both partners to find the time to work on their marriage together.

Effectiveness of marriage counseling through online therapy

Research generally concludes that there may be no difference in effectiveness between online counseling and traditional in-person therapy. One study suggests that this also holds true for couples therapy, finding that completing a course in online couples therapy improved the research participants' overall relationship functioning (as well as individual functioning). If you and your spouse are navigating a complicated time in your marriage, such as a midlife crisis, working with the right therapist online may help you reconnect and heal your bond.