Signs Your Spouse Might Be Having A Midlife Crisis And What To Do

Life is often filled with transitions. Childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood are frequently marked by periods of rapid growth and development, while adulthood and middle age may be associated with stability and predictability. However, for many individuals, middle age may be marked by a midlife crisis, during which an individual may encounter a period of introspection and reassessment. 

A midlife crisis can be a time of intense turmoil and change that can profoundly affect an individual. This period may also impact close family relationships, including marriage. If your spouse is experiencing a midlife crisis, it may be difficult to understand what they’re going through or how you can help them navigate it. 

Here, we’ll explore midlife crises in the context of long-term partnerships, including the signs of midlife crisis and helpful strategies for working through this phase with your spouse. By embracing the reflection and personal growth that often accompany midlife crises, you may both discover that this period can be considered a stepping stone to a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Understanding the midlife crisis

Midlife crisis describes a phenomenon wherein a person undergoes a psychological crisis or transition in middle age, between the ages of 40 to 60. Midlife crises can be instigated by various life events or realizations, such as the aging process, career dissatisfaction, or regrets about unfulfilled dreams. This time can be accompanied by significant psychological and emotional distress that may cause disconcerting changes in behavior. 

While individual experiences of midlife crises can vary substantially, certain features of middle age may contribute to its development. However, these types of existential crises may occur at any age, and an individual may undergo more than one period of “crisis” or transition over the course of their life. Factors that may contribute to a midlife crisis can include the following:

Stress 

Individuals at midlife may be tasked with juggling multiple roles, such as parent, spouse, professional, and caretaker for aging parents. All these have the potential to place significant stress on an individual. As a result, they may begin to feel overwhelmed, experience burnout, and display signs of a midlife crisis.

Self-reflection 

This period of life can be a time of reflection, when a person develops insights into their youth, upbringing, and early life choices and experiences. Sometimes, this reflection can lead to feelings of regret, resentment, or dissatisfaction that could lead to a midlife crisis.

Health decline 

Physical and mental health commonly begin to decline more quickly during middle age, which can strain mental health and emotional wellbeing. These challenges can contribute to feelings of vulnerability and potentially precipitate a midlife crisis.

Signs your spouse might be having a midlife crisis

Facing periods of introspection and reassessment throughout one’s life is natural. At times, these realizations can spark changes in behavior, attitudes, and desires. This sudden shift can seem bewildering or disconcerting to a spouse and, in turn, may place strain upon a partnership. 

If your spouse begins to exhibit the following signs of a midlife crisis, consider opening up dialogue about any distress they may be experiencing. 

• Change in habits or routines
• Unusual dissatisfaction with life and accomplishments
• Sudden changes in mood or temperament
• Major changes in appearance or personal style
• Increased concern about aging
• New and often expensive hobbies
• Making a “big-ticket” purchase, such as a sports car
• Increased risk-taking behavior
• Isolation and withdrawal from social activities and family gatherings
• Increase or decrease in libido
• Symptoms of depression

What to do if your spouse is having a midlife crisis

A midlife crisis can profoundly impact a relationship. Your spouse may be dealing with difficult feelings that may spur changes in their behavior and attitudes, causing confusion or distress within your marriage. They may be working through complicated feelings that can cause them to become more withdrawn or short-tempered, and in some cases, may make impulsive decisions that disrupt the relationship's status quo.

If your spouse is experiencing a midlife crisis, you may feel a sense of alienation as they explore new interests or seek to redefine themselves. However, these changes are often more about your spouse's internal struggle than your relationship. Here’s how you can help your spouse through their midlife crisis.

Keep the lines of communication open

If your spouse is going through a midlife crisis, maintaining open, respectful communication may be paramount. Consider talking to your partner about the changes you are noticing and how they are impacting your relationship. Though you may feel confused or frustrated, try to avoid accusation, instead inviting your spouse to communicate their feelings.

Do your best to actively listen during these conversations, even if you may not fully grasp their experiences. Try to keep the conversation focused on problem-solving and building understanding, rather than falling into blame or criticism. This approach often fosters a healthy environment for dialogue and can prevent your spouse from retreating emotionally.

Establish boundaries

During a midlife crisis, it may be necessary to revisit or establish boundaries. Healthy boundaries can protect your relationship and wellbeing as your partner works through their feelings. These boundaries might pertain to financial decisions, time spent on new hobbies, or interactions with new friends. Clearly communicate what you consider acceptable behavior and what crosses the line.

Try to strike a balance between giving your spouse the space they need to navigate their feelings and protecting your interests and those of your family. These boundaries can provide a sense of safety and predictability during what can be an unsettling phase and should be rooted in mutual respect and consideration.

Offer your support

During your spouse’s midlife crisis, your support and validation can make a difference in your partner’s sense of connectivity and stability. Encourage them to express their feelings, fears, and desires and show them that you are there for them. Offer to join them or ask about any new hobbies, interests, or lifestyle changes they are exploring. As long as they are healthy and do not disrupt the balance and stability of your family life, expressing interest can encourage comfort and support in what they are experiencing. 

Reiterate your commitment to the relationship and your willingness to work through these changes together. However, remember that support does not mean enabling harmful or impulsive behaviors. It's a delicate balance of understanding, patience, and nurturing, all while fostering a safe environment for personal growth and exploration.

Cultivate patience and empathy

A midlife crisis can be a confusing and tumultuous time, often filled with significant emotional upheaval and changes in behavior. While you may not fully understand what your spouse is going through, try to offer your patience and give them the space they may need to navigate this phase.

Remember that your spouse may need time to process their midlife crisis—they may not be able to provide clear answers until they have spent time processing and reflecting upon their feelings and experiences. Avoid putting pressure on them to open up to you or “return to normal.” Instead, you might strive for patience and empathy.

Seeking professional support

Therapy can be extremely beneficial when a spouse is undergoing a midlife crisis. For example, your spouse may benefit from existential therapies to help them gain valuable insights about their life’s purpose and work through any fears they may have surrounding mortality. Mental health professionals can also help in managing any anxiety, depression, or stress associated with midlife crises.

In addition to individual therapy, couples therapy can assist both you and your spouse in understanding each other's perspectives, improving communication, and rebuilding connections. A couples counselor can help you navigate this challenging period with mutual respect and healthy boundaries.

Therapy for midlife crises

Three-quarters of those who enter talk therapy receive some kind of benefit, such as increased self-awareness and ability to cope with stress. Accordingly, working with a therapist can be especially helpful for individuals in the midst of a transitional period. Therapy can help manage stress that may be contributing to a midlife crisis, as well as provide a safe, nonjudgmental space in which to discuss thoughts and emotions.

If your spouse’s midlife crisis is negatively affecting your family or relationship, it may also be worth discussing your situation with a couples therapist. They can facilitate open, honest discussions about your feelings, concerns, and hopes, guiding you and your spouse towards constructive solutions that respect both parties' needs. Research has found couples therapy effective for roughly 70% of those who enter. 

Whether entering therapy as an individual or a couple, it may be worth considering online therapy. Busy schedules or families can create difficulty in finding time to meet with a counselor, so having the ability to meet from the comfort of your own home, without a commute, at a time that works for you can make it easier to get started and continue with treatment.

Online therapy has shown to be just as effective as in-person therapy. In this 2020 study, researchers compared electronically-delivered therapy to traditional face-to-face options and found online therapy to be more effective at symptom reduction and equally successful at providing participant satisfaction. Platforms like BetterHelp (for individuals) and ReGain (for couples) can connect you with a therapist specially trained to help you work through the challenges posed by midlife crises.