Do Monogamy And Jealousy Go Hand In Hand?

Monogamy and jealousy are interconnected concepts often associated with romantic and/or sexual relationships. While some assume that people in monogamous relationships are more jealous when their partner becomes involved with another, monogamy and jealousy do not necessarily go hand in hand. 

For example, some find that monogamy provides a higher measure of safety and trust within their relationship and offers reassurance. Long-term monogamous relationships may result in deeper bonds beyond romantic and sexual, allowing partners to empathize with each other as individuals with unique thoughts, needs, and desires beyond the relationship. This may contribute to understanding each other's feelings of jealousy and why they may experience the temptation to roam. 

Finally, some monogamous couples in long-term relationships find they make more effort to learn how to communicate openly and better express their feelings. When each partner is truly committed to the relationship's success, they may be more likely to work to overcome obstacles such as jealousy. Despite the safety and openness many monogamous couples experience, jealousy can still be a heavy weight that interferes with healthy relationship dynamics.

In this article, we'll discuss the at-times-complicated role of jealousy in romantic partnerships. We'll also provide some tips on managing and coping with jealousy in your own relationship. Read further to learn more about the role that jealousy can play in monogamous relationships, unhealthy signs to notice, and when to seek professional guidance.

Jealousy and non-monogamous relationships

While many people in monogamous relationships experience jealousy occasionally, this does not mean that non-monogamous partners are immune to it. People in non-monogamous relationships can also experience jealousy, but it might be managed differently within the specific relationship framework established by the individuals involved.

Some argue that polyamorous relationships are better equipped to handle jealousy by design. Individuals engaged in open relationships may draw more distinct boundaries and establish rules upfront about what to do when personal feelings arise between partners. 

Whether you are monogamous or are engaged in consensual non-monogamy, jealousy often has more to do with the individual than the relationship structure.

Why humans feel jealous

Jealousy is a multi-faceted emotion arising from a combination of evolutionary, psychological, and sociological factors. To understand its sources, it may be helpful to consider that jealousy is often driven by insecurity and/or fear over a perceived threat to a relationship's status. Losing something of value, such as a romantic partner, a friend's attention, or a coveted position, can create significant emotional pain and upheaval. 

Here are some potential reasons that humans experience jealousy in relationships:

Evolution

Research yields fascinating insights into the neurobiological nature of jealousy and its place in monogamous relationships. A 2017 University of California study found that male titi monkeys (a monogamous species) displayed heightened activity in the areas of the brain associated with social pain when watching their pair-bonded mate interact with male strangers. Levels of cortisol and testosterone rose as well, indicating both social stress and competition. 

These findings suggest that jealousy may have evolved neurologically as a protective mechanism to ensure reproductive success and preserve social bonds. Jealousy can be triggered by the fear of losing a partner to a rival, possibly resulting in less chance of passing on one's genes or losing valuable resources. 

Attachment styles and fear of abandonment

Humans naturally desire social connection, but how we navigate and express that desire can be significantly influenced by adult attachment styles formed during childhood. People with anxious and avoidance-based attachment styles are reportedly more likely to experience jealousy and react more negatively to perceived threats than those with secure attachment styles. 

However, the same research also indicates that while they're not particularly jealous in their relationships before a perceived threat, securely attached people do become jealous once they've identified a threat to their relationship. This supports the hypothesis that jealousy is human nature, regardless of how safe you feel in your relationships. 

Insecurity and self-esteem

There seems to be a clear correlation between low self-esteem and heightened amounts of jealousy. Low self-esteem can stem from several things, including our attachment style, comparing ourselves to others, or past experiences of betrayal. A lack of communication or mistreatment from your partner can also negatively impact your self-esteem. Further, those who tend to compare themselves to others may experience feelings of inadequacy which often begets jealousy. 

Possessiveness

When people believe they are entitled to exclusive attention and loyalty in a relationship, they may react strongly when there is a perceived threat. That sense of ownership or possessiveness over another person may be an indicator of jealousy. This possessive nature can be a symptom of a toxic relationship and may be a red flag that needs to be addressed, whether through open and direct communication or in relationship therapy.

At the same time, a moderate sense of possessiveness in a mutually exclusive relationship tends to be reasonable and normal, based upon the agreed-upon exclusivity of the relationship. As long as the sense of possessiveness is understood and accepted by both parties, it is not inherently dysfunctional nor toxic. 

Social and cultural influences

Social standards and cultural influences on fidelity, exclusivity, and success can contribute to the nature and intensity of jealousy. Research in developmental psychology also suggests that people may experience jealousy differently depending on gender identity and sexual orientation. 

For example, a Brazilian study looked at the prevalence of jealousy among heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual couples. The researchers found that heterosexual men commonly experience sexual jealousy over the potential loss of a partner, while heterosexual women report higher overall jealousy when considering an emotional affair over a sexual one. The researchers also reported that heterosexual men tend to experience greater amounts of sexual jealousy than homosexual or bisexual men and heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual women.

Can jealousy be healthy in a relationship?

Despite its potential damage, jealousy in small doses can also play a positive role in relationships – particularly in long-term monogamous relationships. In some cases, mild jealousy can serve to remind a partner that they are still attracted to their mate and do not want to lose them. However, it could also signal that the relationship has concerns that must be addressed, potentially encouraging communication.

When jealousy is harmful

Some signs of toxic jealousy include:

• Controlling a partner's time, including the expectation that the partner must maintain excessive communication
• Controlling with whom a partner is allowed to speak or spend time
• Suspicious behaviors like searching through a partner's belongings for evidence of cheating
• Persistent accusations, threats, blaming, and/or name-calling
• Inspecting a partner's clothes for signs of cheating
• Excessively intense emotions, quick temper
• Monitoring communications
• Showing up unannounced at work, school, etc. 

Jealousy can be highly damaging, and toxic jealousy can indicate mistreatment or abuse within a relationship. If you or someone you know is in a relationship with unhealthy jealousy, seek help from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional. If there are signs of abusive behavior, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Tips for coping with jealousy in your relationship

Regardless of whether a partner is on the giving or receiving end – and as long as it is not toxic nor abusive – there are ways to work together to manage jealousy: 

Acknowledge the jealousy

Recognizing, acknowledging, and accepting that jealousy is present in the relationship can be a good first step to coping with it. When you can open the door to communication in this way, it may make it easier to have a deeper, more productive conversation about the topic in the future. 

Identify the root causes

If you are jealous in your relationship, you might reflect on the underlying reasons for your feelings. Concomitantly, if your partner is jealous, you might ask them to consider why they feel that way. Are there specific triggers or insecurities that contribute to these feelings? Understanding the root causes can help you address them more effectively.

Communicate openly with your partner

Consider talking about the jealousy in a calm, non-accusatory way. Practicing empathy as you discuss your concerns can help you avoid blaming or accusing them. Open communication can build trust and understanding, provide reassurance, and offer solutions. 

Build self-esteem and self-confidence

Both partners may benefit from working on self-esteem and self-worth. This can be done by focusing on your positive qualities and achievements and encouraging your partner to do the same. You might also engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself and seek support from friends and loved ones. 

Practice self-care

Both partners can also take care of their own physical and emotional well-being. Activities that can reduce stress, promote relaxation, and boost mood could include exercise, meditation, spending time with loved ones, and pursuing personal interests. 

Avoid comparisons

Constantly comparing oneself to others can fuel jealousy. Instead, you might choose ways to focus on your growth and self-improvement independently rather than fixating on what others have done or achieved. 

Set healthy boundaries

Consider discussing and establishing boundaries with your partner that help you both feel comfortable and respected. Clear boundaries can help minimize situations that trigger jealousy and establish behaviors that will and will not be tolerated. 

Seeking professional guidance

While many people can handle it healthily and move forward in growth, jealousy can be overwhelming, painful, and even dangerous for some. When jealousy negatively impacts the relationship, many couples choose to speak to a relationship counselor. A therapist specializing in intimacy and relationships can help couples uncover the causes of jealousy, communicate effectively, and establish ways to overcome it. 

Online therapy can be an excellent way for couples and individuals to work on concerns like jealousy and insecurity and, if applicable, identify any underlying mental health conditions that contribute. For both couples and individuals, however, finding time in busy schedules to attend therapy can seem challenging. With online therapy, it’s often easier to schedule sessions at convenient times for both of you. Additionally, therapy can take place from the comfort of your own home with no need to travel for appointments.

A growing body of research shows online therapy to be effective for helping individuals and couples cultivate better mental health and well-being. In fact, these studies often compare online therapy to traditional in-person therapy and find that online sessions are just as effective at treating a variety of mental health conditions.