Exploring The Ethical Implications Of Non-Monogamous Relationships

In recent years, the popularity of alternative relationship styles that aren’t classified as monogamy has risen. A 2021 survey from the Kinsey Institute indicates that one in five Americans have already been involved in a consensual non-monogamous relationship of some kind and that one in six report that they would like to be.

A non-monogamous relationship allows its participants to have more than one romantic and/or sexual partner at the same time. Making sure everyone agrees to this dynamic beforehand is known as ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy (CNM). There are many different types of consensually non-monogamous relationships, such as polyamory, open relationships, and swinging. People may also create their own unique arrangements based on what they want and need. Read on to learn more about non-monogamous relationships, the ethics of these types of connections, and tips for engaging in non-monogamy in a way that’s ethical, healthy, and sustainable for you and your partners.

What is a non-monogamous relationship?

A non-monogamous relationship is a type of romantic and/or sexual dynamic in which one or more participants have multiple romantic and/or sexual partners at the same time. The key differences between non-monogamy and infidelity are consent and communication. In an ethically non-monogamous relationship, everyone involved knows about and agrees to the dynamic.

Infidelity, cheating, or unethical non-monogamy, on the other hand, is when one person in a monogamous relationship secretly starts a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone else, without their existing partner knowing or agreeing. This act can harm the trust between the two people in a monogamous relationship. That’s why non-monogamy relies on open conversations, a shared understanding, and clear agreement from everyone involved in order to preserve trust and the emotional health of all participants.

Some common types of non-monogamous relationships

Non-monogamous relationships can take a wide variety of forms, each with its own unique rules and guidelines designed by and for the participants. Let’s take a look at just a few of the many different types of non-monogamy.

Open relationships

This general term means that individuals in a relationship have agreed to allow their partner to have other sexual and/or romantic partners outside of their “primary” relationship, though it more commonly refers to sexual openness only. The central couple sets rules and limits for these outside activities, deciding how much emotional involvement and which types of sexual activities are okay. An open relationship dynamic can allow partners to explore other connections with others while still maintaining their primary relationship.

Polyamory

Polyamory is a type of non-monogamous relationship in which individuals are open to having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships simultaneously. For ethical polyamory to be practiced, everyone involved must know and agree to the arrangement. This type of relationship often focuses on strong emotional bonds and open communication between partners.

Swinging

Swinging refers to a lifestyle in which couples agree to have sexual encounters with others—usually other couples. Swinging parties or clubs are common places for these consensual activities to happen. Unlike other non-monogamous relationships, swinging is more about sexual exploration than emotional connections, and it usually involves couples participating together rather than seeking outside connections on their own.

Relationship anarchy

Relationship anarchy is a unique form of non-monogamy that avoids ranking relationships based on importance or longevity. Relationship anarchists typically reject the common polyamory concept of “primary” and “secondary” partners, instead seeing all relationships as equal and focusing on allowing individuals to be in control of their own connections. There aren't usually as many set rules or structures in relationship anarchy as in other types of ENM; instead, people in the relationship(s) are generally given agency to decide what works best for them.

Casual dating or solo polyamory

Casual dating means having non-exclusive relationships that are usually short-term and based on shared interests or activities. These relationships can be just about sex or involve different levels of emotional connection, depending on what the participants want. Casual dating provides a chance to explore and enjoy relationships without committing to one main partner. 

For some people, casual dating is a phase in their life before they begin searching for a single long-term, committed partner. For others, it’s a dynamic they prefer to maintain over the longer term. For still others, casual dating takes the form of solo polyamory, in which a person may have multiple committed, long-term relationships but without designating a primary partner or cohabiting with anyone.

Monogamish relationships

"Monogamish" is a term coined by sex and relationships advice columnist Dan Savage. It refers to relationships that are mainly monogamous but allow for some sexual activity outside the relationship under very specific circumstances. Its exact definition varies from couple to couple. For some, it could mean permission to engage in forms of online connection with other partners but nothing in person. For others, it could look like occasional swinging, or permission for one partner to seek outside connections while traveling, or virtually any other arrangement that doesn’t follow the format of traditional monogamy. Monogamish relationships can offer a balance between complete monogamy and full ENM, giving partners some variety in their sexual or romantic lives while still focusing on their main relationship. 

Polyfidelity

Polyfidelity is a type of ethical non-monogamy in which people have multiple committed relationships with more than one person, but only within a certain group. This kind of relationship is like monogamy in that it focuses on long-lasting, stable, committed partnerships, often without outside connections, but is like non-monogamy in that it involves three or more people. Polyfidelity usually encourages a strong bond among all partners and a sense of trust and commitment within the group.

Is non-monogamy ethical?

When it's done in an ethical way and with everyone happily agreeing to it, a non-monogamous relationship may be a viable alternative to traditional, single-partner relationships. ENM connections can be just as meaningful and satisfying for those who prefer this style. In other words, people should generally feel empowered to learn about various relationship models, consider their own needs and desires, and make decisions accordingly, with the only potential ethical concerns typically being related to how they treat themselves and others in the process.

Tips for engaging in non-monogamy in a healthy, ethical way

ENM can be a beneficial and fulfilling relationship structure when practiced in a way that considers each person’s feelings and needs. Finding joy and fulfillment in a safe manner within the world of ENM is possible with the right set of strategies and tools; some of these are described below.

Practice honest, regular communication

Frequent, honest, and respectful communication is widely considered to be the foundation of any type of relationship—perhaps even more so in non-monogamy. The outcomes of poor communication can be multiplied when the feelings of more than two people are involved. Plus, each non-monogamous relationship may have different parameters than the next, so speaking about guidelines, needs, and game plans in detail can help ensure everyone is on the same page and that opportunities for hurt feelings or transgressed boundaries are minimal.

Set clear, specific boundaries

Establishing clear limits within all of your romantic and sexual relationships is widely considered to be a focal point of ENM. These limits or rules could cover how emotionally involved you can get with multiple sexual partners, what types of sexual activities are permitted, and more—all with the goal of helping each individual involved feel respected and secure. Making sure to receive consent from all parties for all actions or changes to the rules is foundational here.

Manage jealousy

Feeling jealous sometimes is a natural part of the human experience, and it can affect monogamous and non-monogamous individuals alike. The presence of jealousy doesn’t necessarily mean that a person should stop engaging in ENM, that they should break up with a partner, or that they’re not cut out for this type of lifestyle. The presence of jealousy or any other emotion is simply a piece of information that indicates that your attention is needed in a certain area of your experience. 

Jealousy could indicate that you need to set a new boundary, that you’re not feeling heard or respected by one of your partners, or simply that you need some validation or self-soothing to bring yourself back to equilibrium. Learning to listen to and manage jealousy is often an important part of navigating non-monogamy in a healthy way. 

Nurture your relationships 

Just because a relationship is non-monogamous doesn't mean it should lack depth or care. Nurturing relationships in an ENM context usually involves making an effort to spend quality time with each partner, understand and respect their needs, check in about how they’re feeling, and show them appreciation. Demonstrating this kind of care for each partner can encourage mutual respect and strengthen emotional bonds, which can help individuals practice ethical non-monogamy in a supportive, sustainable way.

Finding relationship support in therapy

Navigating the complexities of relationships—whether monogamous or not—can be challenging. That’s why many people turn to therapy for support. In individual therapy, a provider can offer a safe space for you to express your emotions, explore what you want out of relationships, and learn tools for setting boundaries and communicating your needs. In relationship therapy, a provider can facilitate meaningful and productive conversations among individuals who are involved in a relationship together.

However, it’s not always easy for people to regularly commute to in-person therapy appointments. This can be especially true for those who lead non-monogamous lifestyles, which often come with busy schedules. This is an example of a situation in which online therapy can represent a more convenient option. With a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples or others in a relationship together, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging. Research suggests that online therapy and in-person therapy can be similarly effective in most cases.