Monogamy And Long-Term Relationships: Are They For You?

When considering the definition of a “successful” relationship, monogamy and long-term relationships may come to mind for some people. A monogamous relationship refers to a romantic partnership where individuals commit to being exclusively partnered with one another, both emotionally and sexually. The tendency toward monogamy in many cultures may be due to cultural, religious, societal, and familial norms, but it can also be caused by personal beliefs or experiences. However, not everyone in the world practices or connects with monogamy or long-term relationships. For this reason, it may be helpful to look at the advantages and disadvantages of these relationship styles and alternatives to monogamy if you believe monogamy isn’t for you. 

What is monogamy?

Monogamy refers to the practice of having only one partner or spouse at a time. It is a form of relationship in which individuals commit to being exclusive and devoted to each other romantically, emotionally, sexually, or all three. By choosing to be monogamous, individuals often agree to direct their romantic and sexual energy exclusively toward their partner and refrain from engaging in romantic or sexual relationships with others.

Monogamy and long-term relationships (i.e., partnerships intended to last for an extended period) often go hand in hand. Some couples may commit to monogamy to foster trust, stability, and intimacy in their partnership. Still, monogamy and long-term relationships may not co-exist in every scenario. Some people hold long-term relationships without monogamy, while others choose to stay monogamist even in short-term relationships. 

Potential pros of monogamy

If you’re wondering why monogamy is so popular, it could be helpful to understand what some consider to be beneficial about monogamous relationships. However, note that the potential benefits of monogamy are a generalized representation. There is no set standard for what a “successful” monogamous relationship should be if each party is safe, consenting, and emotionally cared for within the partnership.

Emotional connection

A committed relationship with a single romantic partner may cultivate intimacy beyond sexual intimacy. Having a partner who focuses their energy on you and your emotional and mental well-being may contribute to overall relationship satisfaction. However, some people who practice dating multiple partners may also achieve this benefit from their relationships, and emotional connection is not exclusive to monogamy. 

Stability and security

A commitment to exclusivity can create a more predictable, dependable partnership for some people. Knowing one’s partner has committed to being faithful could reduce feelings of uncertainty and insecurity in the relationship.

Shared values and goals

Sexual satisfaction

Some research suggests that people in monogamous romantic relationships aren’t as sexually satisfied as people who choose to be sexually active with more than one partner. Still, there are several ways that monogamy can contribute to a sexually satisfying relationship. 

For example, the deep familiarity with each other’s needs and desires that often occurs within a sexually monogamous relationship can deepen the sexual connection over time. In addition, monogamous couples may be more comfortable with sexual experimentation compared to non-monogamous partners. 

Health and well-being

By practicing sexual exclusivity with one partner, individuals reduce their risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Research has linked the stability and emotional support provided by monogamous marriage with better physical and mental health. 

Parenting and family stability

A committed, exclusive partnership may provide a more stable foundation for a family structure. Monogamous partnerships allow for shared responsibilities, positively impacting children’s development and well-being and the care of extended family over time (i.e., caregiving for aging parents or other family members).

Social and cultural norms

Monogamy is considered the societal norm in many cultures. Thus, staying in an exclusive relationship may provide a sense of social acceptance and can help individuals avoid alienation or judgment. 

Potential disadvantages of monogamy

Some argue that monogamy may not fully satisfy human mental and physical needs in a relationship. Below are some potential disadvantages of monogamy. However, note that, like the pros, the cons of monogamy aren’t universal. The disadvantages listed below may be challenges that monogamous couples face, and non-monogamous relationships may experience some of the same challenges. 

Lack of variety and novelty

For some, the commitment to one romantic or sexual partner for an extended period may decrease the excitement and novelty that can come with exploring different relationships.

Emotional and sexual dissatisfaction

Decreases in passion, differences in libido, or unmet needs or desires may surface over time with any relationship, but they may be easier to address in relationships based on non-monogamy. 

Relationship strain

Any relationship can experience conflict and disagreements, but some may believe that monogamous relationships require more compromise, effort, and communication than consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships.

Lack of freedom

Some people prefer polyamorous relationships because they believe the commitment to monogamy restricts them. Exclusivity may be perceived as entrapment or a loss of personal autonomy for these individuals. 

Incompatibility of values and goals

It may be easier for CNM partners to cope if they have different ethical standards or their future goals don’t align. Monogamous couples who disagree on these fundamental issues may have less chance of reconciling those differences. 

Unrealistic expectations

Monogamy may come with societal expectations about commitment, fidelity, and the fulfillment of sexual and emotional needs. However, the pressure to fulfill those expectations can be difficult for partners in a monogamous relationship. Perceived failures within this type of relationship may lead to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and disappointment. 

Monogamy alternatives

While popular, monogamy isn’t the only type of relationship people choose. For some societies, the norm is not monogamy, but certain types of polygamous marriage, like polygyny (i.e., more than one wife) and the less common polyandry (i.e., more than one husband). Below are other forms of non-monogamy: 

• Polyamory: Engaging with multiple partners in consensual romantic and sexual relationships simultaneously
• Open relationships: In an open relationship, partners agree they may have multiple romantic relationships outside their monogamous relationship.
• Swinging: Couples engage in sexual activity with other couples or individuals. 
• Relationship anarchy: Individuals engage in relationships with multiple people freely, focusing on their desires and needs, open communication, and negotiating relationship status. 
• Polyfidelity: A type of polyamory where a group of individuals (usually three or more people) form exclusive relationships. 
• Solo polyamory: This term refers to one person practicing polyamory without seeking to establish a primary partnership, often maintaining multiple relationships without commitment or cohabitation. 

How to know what relationship style fits you

There may not be a “one-size-fits-all” formula for relationships, and they may be as unique as those involved. Thus, finding a type that fits your preferences can be challenging, particularly if you’ve never been in a relationship or haven’t had successful relationships in the past. Regardless of preference, respecting and honoring the choices and agreements established by its participants is vital for a healthy relationship. 

Conflict can be natural in any relationship, and some people choose to invest the time, effort, and resources necessary to resolve those conflicts with the person or people they care for. This effort may include reaching out for support from other couples and individuals in the same type of relationship structure. It may also include visiting a counselor with experience working with various relationship types. 

Online support options

Discussing your love life with a stranger can be difficult, particularly if your relationship preferences are outside the norm. Being in a non-monogamous relationship may pose a barrier to in-person treatment for some. In these cases, online therapy may be more accessible. Whether you’re looking to explore different types of relationship structures, work on the relationship you have, or seek to better understand your feelings in your relationships, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples can be a convenient and affordable option. 

Online platforms match couples and individuals with licensed therapists specializing in relationships and intimacy. You can talk to a relationship counselor whenever it fits your schedule from home or anywhere with a reliable internet connection. In addition, you can choose between video chat, online messaging, texting, and communication by phone to speak to your therapist. 

Online therapy is often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance, and a growing body of research indicates that online relationship therapy and relationship education are as effective as conventional therapy for a wide range of treatments.