What Are Monogamous Relations? Is Monogamy Right For You?
Monogamy—originating from the late Latin “monogamia”—is a state or practice where two partners sexually and romantically commit only to the other person. In many modern relationships, this involves having only one partner for sexual and romantic endeavors, regardless of marital status. Serial monogamy—committing to one partner at a time but not for life—is one of the most common relationship structures; many nonmonogamous relationships are stigmatized by Western cultures.
If you are unsure about your preferred relationship structure, or if you or someone you’re involved with is considering changing the structure of your current relationship, an online therapist can be a helpful resource.
The psychology of monogamy
The definition of monogamy is a union with only one person at a time, sometimes referred to as "pair-bonding," and is a type of romantic relationship structure. Whether or not monogamy is the innate form of relationships among humans is undetermined. Some studies theorize that, while infidelity and having more than one spouse are common features of many relationships, serial monogamous relationships may be a more frequent and common form of human relationships. Other studies elaborate on why monogamous marriage may be seen more commonly, proposing that individuals vary in sexual, romantic, reproductive, and parenting behavior and that social stigma is the driver that makes many people identify as monogamous.
Some people prefer monogamous relationships, while others prefer consensually non-monogamous, polyamorous, or open relationships. Open or polyamorous relationships are generally not to be confused with concepts like polygamy, which involves having several spouses at the same time and is illegal in many parts of the world.
Why do some choose monogamy?
Monogamy is uncommon among most other mammals, with 3-5% engaging in strictly monogamous relationships with a mate of the opposite sex. And in fact, humans are no outlier: less than 20% of cultures exhibit strictly monogamous behavior. Many more present a mix where monogamy is just one common structure among several.
Evolutionarily, there is some evidence that having multiple partners can be beneficial. Some scientists postulate that parental involvement originating from non-monogamous bonding allowed for the provision of extra food for offspring, enabling the evolution of the large brains that define our species. As one researcher put it, “the optimal evolutionary strategy is monogamy when necessary, polygamy when possible”.
Regardless of theories on the development of relationship structures in human history, many people choose to pursue social monogamy, committing to only one mate and having just one sexual partner at a time. Some may feel safer with monogamy, and some may prefer strictly monogamous romantic relationships due to their religious beliefs, life experiences, personal preferences, or a desire to avoid the social stigma associated with non-monogamy, such as having more than one wife.
Online therapy for relationships
If you feel unsure about what type of relationship is right for you or your relationship, you may consider seeking the guidance of a couple’s therapist through online therapy. A 2022 study found that online couples therapy is as effective as in-person therapy.
Additionally, online therapy can provide a physical barrier from your therapist, which some people find can lower their fear of judgment or stigma and help them remain open and relaxed during sessions. Unlike individual therapy, which is frequently covered by insurance, couples therapy is less commonly covered. For these individuals, online couples therapy may be less expensive than in-person therapy.
Takeaway
What is monogamy in a relationship?
Monogamy is when an individual forms a romantic relationship bond with one person at a time. Monogamous couples form a committed relationship, and in many cultures the custom of being married is the ultimate endgame of monogamy.
What is monogamy vs polygamy?
While monogamy is the practice of pairing romantically and/or sexually with one partner at a time, polygamy is when an individual has multiple romantic or sexual partners at once.
Is monogamy healthy?
Monogamy is the most mainstream romantic approach in most societies, monogamy may not be healthy for everyone. Ethical non monogamy is when all partners agree to having more than one partner at a time as an agreed-upon term of their relationship. For some, this is a healthy and happy way to have relationships, while others prefer to be with one person at a time. Either way can be healthy, depending on the people involved.
Serial monogamy, however, can be an unhealthy pattern, as the individual has a string of monogamous relationships with little time to themselves in between. This behavior may be a sign of low self-esteem, trauma, or other challenges.
Who benefits more from monogamy?
Historically, monogamy has been effective for maintaining male dominance over women, with women losing their names as they join their husband’s family. Today, though marriages are more egalitarian in general, there are still inequalities in domestic labor in many of these relationships.
What is the main disadvantage of monogamy?
Monogamy isn’t necessarily the most convenient way to have families in today’s economic environment. Non-monogamous families can have an advantage when it comes to raising children, as there can be more people contributing financially, as well as more people to share domestic labor.
What percentage of marriages stay monogamous?
A survey in the United States from 2019 found that 56% of married Americans had one spouse in their lifetime.
Do any men want monogamy?
There are many men who want to be in monogamous relationships, just as there are many men who want to be in non-monogamous relationships.
Why is monogamy so hard for humans?
Monogamy is more than a word of the day, or a quizzes word, it is rather a monolithic relationship concept that has been the dominant social norm for many hundreds of years. Most animals are not monogamous in nature, so most experts do not agree on whether this is a natural state of affairs for humans, or whether we’ve simply created and reinforced these ideas for ourselves. Monogamy can be difficult for some people, and yet for others incredibly easy. It depends on different factors, and both monogamy and nonmonogamy can be healthy if everyone consents.
Can men be happy in a monogamous relationship?
Many people can be happy in a monogamous relationship, if that is what they want. It comes down to personal preference…there is no one healthy way to form romantic relationships, and if everyone gives enthusiastic consent for non-monogamy, it can be beneficial and healthy.
Why do we crave monogamy?
Many of us desire monogamy because most societies train us to accept this as the standard norm for relationships. Our culture is strongly heteronormative and monogamous in nature, and because of this most people tend to view this as the best or only kind of relationship.
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