Neuroticism And Relationships: How Neurotic Tendencies Affect Relationship Health

Various factors can influence the happiness level of a romantic relationship, and the personality traits of a couple may have a prominent role. Neuroticism, in particular, is one personality trait that may significantly impact relationship satisfaction. Learning more about neuroticism may help partners better understand themselves and each other and connect more profoundly. 

What is neuroticism?

The word “neuroticism” relates to the concept of “neuroses,” a term psychologists and doctors used in early psychological research to describe various mental health conditions. Although neuroticism is no longer considered a diagnosable mental health condition, higher levels of neuroticism can be associated with an increased risk of developing mental health disorders, including the following:

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Anxiety and depression
• Substance use disorders
• Panic disorder
• Bipolar disorder 
• Phobias
• Eating disorders

In the modern era, neuroticism refers to a personality trait. Along with openness, conscientiousness, agreeableness, and extroversion, neuroticism completes the list of the “Big Five” personality traits some psychologists consider five core components of human personality.  

What are examples of neurotic tendencies and behaviors?

Neuroticism may be seen as a combination of neurotic tendencies or behaviors. Below are a few examples of these.

An increased likelihood of negative emotions

People with higher levels of neuroticism may experience unpleasant emotions more intensely and become overwhelmed quicker than others, which can lead to a cycle in which a person becomes stressed about their stress or angry about their anger. 

Pessimism 

Someone with a neurotic personality may view the world as an inherently negative place. Their pessimistic outlook may not bode well with their propensity toward perfectionism, as they may struggle to believe they are “good enough.” Such low self-esteem may lead people with neurotic personalities to envy others with what they want, such as a high-ranking job or relationship that appears outwardly fulfilling. 

Physical distress

Under duress, neurotic personalities may veer toward rapid overwhelm and experience correlated physical symptoms, such as headaches, muscle soreness, and stomach aches. In such moments, they may become increasingly irritable, complain frequently, or have a “short fuse.” Their frustration may often be a disproportionate response to the related stressor.

Obsessive traits and behaviors

Obsessive thoughts and worries, “analysis paralysis,” rumination, and habits of replaying past situations in one’s mind are common for people with neurotic personalities. Because they often internalize their perceived “failures” as being connected to their identities, they may engage in self-sabotage, such as procrastination and task avoidance, or attempt to sabotage others.

Such neurotic behaviors may seem surprising when one considers their additional tendency to apologize for what they didn’t cause, matched with patterns of clinginess or codependence (particularly when observed in romantic relationships). While people with neurotic personalities may enmesh themselves in social controversies, they may want to avoid risks and situations where they anticipate making mistakes.

How personality traits impact relationships

Conventional wisdom in psychology argues that internal and external factors impact a person’s mental and life experiences. To a certain extent, a person’s external environment may shape the development of their personality. Similarly, a person’s internal personality may determine how they respond to their environment. 

A romantic or sexual relationship with others can be a significant component of a person’s external environment, as humans are social creatures. Below are some of the ways personality characteristics may impact relationships. 

Initial research into relationships and personality

Early psychological research concluded that while parental and peer relationships in childhood may influence personality development, romantic relationships, and marital quality typically did not significantly impact a person’s personality. The idea behind this conclusion was that in modern society, meaningful romantic relationships are typically not possible until adulthood, at which point a person’s personality is thought to be fixed.

According to these studies, a romantic relationship would not impact whether a person develops neurotic personality characteristics, though neurotic personality characteristics may play a key role in romantic relationships.

Upcoming and existing research on relationships and personality

A recent article argues that the relationship between personality traits and romantic relationships needs further study. Under certain circumstances, romantic relationships may significantly affect personality development and expression more than previously thought.

Existing scientific research shows that neuroticism can play a significant role in intimate relationships, typically a negative one. Communication problems are often at the core of marital or relationship strife. Couples involving one or more partners with neurotic personality traits may struggle to engage in active listening, show empathy, or be vulnerable. Conversations may seem unproductive based on a neurotic person’s quickness to frustration, a proclivity toward distraction, or difficulty focusing on their partner’s needs.

The causes of difficulty in neurotic relationships

It may be unclear what makes people with neurotic tendencies frustrated or dissatisfied in romantic relationships. However, it may be challenging to “keep up” emotionally with a neurotic partner based on their fluctuations from withdrawal and isolation to clinginess and over-dependence.

Fear of judgment may be at the core of struggles with showing vulnerability. People with neurotic personalities may have difficulty trusting a romantic partner based on past experiences with heartbreak or betrayal. However, in some cases, a lack of trust may stem from unfounded suspicions or assumptions related to moments when rumination got out of hand. The reality of their relationship landscape and how they perceive it in their ruminations may become blurred.

It may be frustrating to be in a relationship with a person with neurotic tendencies because they may lack follow-through on their commitments. This perceived shortcoming is not necessarily due to apathy but may be related to anxiety associated with neuroticism. A partner may want so much to please their partner but engage in “analysis paralysis” and sabotage their efforts to show affection, thinking they will fail.

These neurotic behaviors and tendencies can lead to decreased levels of physical and emotional intimacy, commonly considered essential ingredients to interpersonal relationships. When a person is not close with their partner, they may wonder why, allowing their mind to venture into territory not based on the reality of their relationship pulse.

Support for personality and relationship concerns

Romantic relationships can be complicated regardless of the personality traits associated with those involved. If one or more members of a relationship are predisposed to neurotic tendencies, relationship or marital satisfaction may be more challenging to maintain, but it may not be impossible.

One effective way to find support for relationship concerns is to talk to a licensed and credentialed relationship counselor. However, if challenging emotions like fear or sadness make it difficult for one or both partners to open up to someone in person, online therapy could be a beneficial alternative.

With online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you can access therapy from the comfort of your home, which may increase the likelihood of being vulnerable with your therapist in a way that enables meaningful relationship progress. In addition, you can set appointment times when they’re conducive to your schedule via phone, video, or live chat. 

Scientific research indicates that there may be no significant difference between online therapy and traditional in-person therapy, including relationship counseling. One study in a journal of personality found that after completing a course of online couples therapy, participants reported increased levels of relationship or life satisfaction. If neuroticism is adversely impacting your romantic relationship, online therapy could provide helpful support.