Do I want children? Five signs you may not want kids

As a man, woman, or person of any gender begins to move into adulthood, they often ask themselves the same question: “Do I want kids?” Most people struggle to come up with a quick answer, and the path they select can vary. Some people decide to get married and have children, some get married and decide not to have children, and some choose not to get married, opting to stay single or have a life partner without children. In some cases, people choose to be single parents by choice and adopt or use a donor to become a parent.

You're not alone if you are concerned about making the right or wrong decision or worry about choosing a non-traditional path. It may seem that a lot of people you know are having children. However, you don't have to have children if you're not ready to; many people choose to have a childfree life. However, if you're struggling with deciding, there are a few signs to look for on whether you might or might not want children.

You're not alone if you don't want to have children or aren't sure. Despite the societal pressure some feel, studies show that 27% of adults in the United States choose not to have children. In addition, the birth rate in the United States is the lowest in 35 years. It can be normal for men, women, and people of any gender to choose to remain without children. However, if you're unsure, if you want to be child-free, there are a few signs that you may not want to have kids, including the following. 

You enjoy your child-free life and don't feel ready to let go of your independence 

Many people feel it is easier to be spontaneous without children because no one depends on you in the same way as a child. When you don't have children, you might feel better able to sleep on weekends and go out with friends on weeknights. Independence is one reason people choose not to have children. Some people also wait to have a baby until they are older because they fear it may stop them from having fun while they’re young. 

Having the ability to spend time alone and relax can be vital for many individuals. It can help them recuperate and process their emotions throughout the course of their lives. With children, you might feel busier or that your schedule is fuller. Kids can be a significant responsibility, and you may not want to manage a responsibility if you already have a few responsibilities without them. 

Another factor related to independence is having the freedom to work wherever you need to for however long you need. For example, few people who work in healthcare have the flexibility in their schedule to raise a child. In many cases, they could be on call or have to work double shifts. A busy schedule could cause someone to feel broken or guilty if they cannot be around their child as much as they want to. 

Note that many parents can bring their children with them during spontaneous outings. For example, many families travel with their young children, practice van life, or attend extravagant family-friendly events together. If you enjoy exploring the world and are worried about having children, there may be ways to include your children in all the things you want to do.

You aren't in a relationship or don't want to raise children with your partner 

Many people make the conscious decision to raise children with another person instead of on their own. Relationship dynamics can change, and you may realize the person you are with isn't someone you want to co-author or raise a family with. On the other hand, you might be single and not looking to raise a child on your own. For many people, finding the "right" person or relationship status is worth waiting to have children. 

Many people may find success in co-parenting after a divorce or split. However, others don't want to take that chance. In addition, there might not be a guarantee that someone you love will be responsible as a parent. Waiting to ensure you feel comfortable with the person you choose to parent with could be a reason to hold off on having children. 

If you're in conflict with a partner about how to raise a child, it can be beneficial to note that you may have to remain in contact with them about the child regardless of arguments. Your child may also spend a lot of time with them, which could cause custody concerns. That's why many people choose to have children with a partner they intend to be with long-term. Other people might choose to be single parents if they don't want to worry about or accept another person's opinions or parenting techniques or aren't in a relationship and want children. 

You might also consider your children when considering whether your partner is someone you want to have a child with. Children in situations where their parents or other individuals in the family aren't getting along can cause mental health concerns. Divorce is associated with an increased risk for challenges in childhood and adolescence, including academic difficulties, disruptive behaviors, and depressed mood 

Your family is pressuring you to have children

Many parents are excited to become grandparents one day. However, your parents might assume you want to have kids because you have a big family, your siblings all have kids, or you got married. If you don't want children, it may cause internal spaciousness and conflict between you and your family. When someone decides not to have children, their entire family may feel entitled to pressure them. They might make fun of your decision, make comments that damage your self-worth, or tell you that it's not possible to have a “fulfilled life” without children. If this is the case, it may be beneficial to seek the support of a family therapist. 

If you are in a situation where you have no desire to have kids, but your family wants you to, it may not be a healthy reason to have children. As you are responsible for your child for over 18 years, consider whether you are ready. Your parents may see your child occasionally, but you may be around them more often as their parent. If you don't feel prepared, it might cause emotional or physical consequences for you or your child.  

You aren't financially prepared for a child

Many people may choose not to become a mother or father because they do not have the extra income to support a child. If you're living paycheck to paycheck or are in a financial situation where you might face financial insecurity, it might not be a beneficial time to have children. Studies show that raising a child from birth to age 18 costs parents around $310,000 on average. Babies can also be expensive, as they require food, diapers, toys, furniture, monitoring, bottles, and other items that can be costly. 

If you can financially support a child, you may not want to spend the money on another person. You may want to continue spending the money you make on yourself. Suppose you spend money traveling, buying designer purses, having a fancy car, or living in expensive housing. In that case, you might find changes in your financial ability after having a child. Not having a child due to your finances can often be a healthy choice. However, many government and non-profit programs are in place to support parents who require temporary assistance or who have unplanned pregnancies. 

You don't want to be a parent 

If you feel this way, you don't have to have children. If you change your mind, try not to consider having a child unless you want one. If your partner, family, friends, or other people are pressuring you to have children, it may be beneficial to make a point of setting boundaries. A conversation about boundaries will often involve reminding others that the ultimate decision to have children is up to you. 

To get an idea of what these boundaries may look like, you can use the following statements as examples: 

• "I am not going to have children."
• "I am not comfortable talking about this subject again." 
• "That won't happen." 
• “I’m making the right decision for me by not having children.”
• "My needs and desires matter." 
• "I don't feel our relationship is close enough for me to discuss these decisions with you." 
• "Don't ask me about this again." 
• "Stop pressuring me to have children. I am not going to." 

Do I want kids? Counseling options to help you talk through the signs you may not want kids

If you're undecided about whether you want to have children, seeking support from a qualified therapist to discuss the pros and cons may be the most efficient way to gain clarity. You can seek individual or couples therapy. If you're in a partnership, you might have differing opinions on childcare, having biological, or fertility options. In these cases, a couples therapist can be an option. In other cases, it may be helpful to seek out a licensed marriage and family therapist.  In addition, if you're struggling financially or have a busy schedule, you might consider online therapy, which can be done in individual or couples therapy formats.

Online therapy for helping make tough decisions 

Online therapy can benefit couples with busy schedules since platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and Regain for couples can allow you to schedule appointments outside of standard business hours. This flexibility may enable individuals and couples to meet with a counselor when it works for them. Additionally, online therapy has been found more cost-effective than in-person therapy, which can be helpful for couples who feel held back from having children due to financial challenges.

Many couples find that online therapy is equally effective as in-person therapy in navigating solutions for their relationship obstacles. In one study utilizing videoconferencing as an experimental intervention compared to a control group receiving in-person therapy, results indicated no significant differences between the two groups, and both groups showed positive changes in relationship satisfaction.