Signs You’re Co-Parenting With A Narcissist: Navigating Challenges And Strategies
Co-parenting may feel challenging, but co-parenting with a person with narcissistic tendencies may feel overwhelming or impossible. In this article, we’ll explore the signs of narcissistic parents and people with narcissistic personality disorder and what you can do to navigate co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic tendencies.
Please note that the use of the word “narcissist” in this article refers to a person living with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Co-parenting with a narcissist: Signs that your partner may be a narcissistic parent
Signs that you are co-parenting with a narcissist
- Have an excessive need for attention
- Demonstrate an inflated sense of self-importance
- Lack a fundamental sense of empathy
- Have a history of unstable relationships
Other signs of a narcissistic parent
Signs of narcissism may show up during parenting in behaviors like using your child to “score points,” refusing to be agreeable for the sake of your children, disrupting your children’s routines or appointments, and not agreeing to custody or other parenting arrangements.
For example, a narcissist co-parent may become possessive and controlling and may have a difficult time allowing their child to spend time with the other parent without conflict, perhaps escalating minor inconveniences (or inventing them) and focusing on perceived slights while blaming you. They may also try to intrude on your time with your child by creating problems, calling, texting, or insisting that they join in activities.
Protecting your child and yourself
In cases of abuse, the court will often order the non-abusing parent sole custody. However, in other cases, it may be necessary to interact with the co-parent on a semi-regular basis. In this case, you can use various strategies to protect your child’s self-esteem and your mental health.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
Strategies to protect yourself and your child when you are co-parenting with a narcissist
To successfully co-parent with a person with narcissistic tendencies, there are a few strategies that may help you protect yourself and your child.
Limit contact with the narcissistic co-parent
Communicating solely through text or email typically allows you to take some time before responding to a question or statement. It can also be useful for documenting conversations for potential court cases. If an ex continues to email or text after you have given a direct answer or statement, not responding is usually the right choice.
Use the legal system when co-parenting with a narcissist
It can be ideal to create a legal parenting plan or custody agreement. Leaving a gray area can cause stress and challenging situations when interacting with a narcissist. It’s generally best to have all plans, schedules, and visitation in writing. While investing in legal help may feel financially stressful, hiring a lawyer who has experience dealing with people who have narcissistic tendencies and who have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder may help you strategically achieve a fair parenting plan and custody agreement.
If there is a dispute of custody or where the child should live, the court may appoint a guardian ad litem. A guardian ad litem is a person who the court assigns to observe the child’s living situation and their relationship with their parents. They then make recommendations to the court regarding custody based on the best interests of the child.
Shift your mindset
Try thinking about your co-parenting arrangement as something like a business partnership. This can be challenging, but it may be possible with practice. Avoid allowing them to pull you into drama with your child.
Also, as tempting as it may be, try not to use negative language when speaking about your co-parenting partner to your child. Avoiding using your child as a mediator, or a go-between can be best.
Be a role model for your child
When parenting with a narcissist, it may be likely that your child’s other parent isn’t modeling healthy emotional behavior. When responding to your ex’s communication, try to keep your child’s emotional well-being foremost in your mind. Do your best to take the high road, as challenging as that can be.
When your child is feeling down, you can help them recognize their emotions. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you are there to support them when they are feeling sad, frustrated, or angry.
Maintain documentation
Detailed and organized documentation of communications, like emails and text messages; and actions, like cancelled child pick-ups and drop-offs, provides tangible proof of narcissistic behaviors. This information may be used in future custody court cases.
Consider parallel parenting
If interacting with a narcissistic parent becomes too challenging, you may try parallel parenting. This approach can differ from co-parenting in that you will generally have minimal contact with your ex. Parallel parents will usually not attend activities like school events, games, medical appointments, or teacher conferences together.
They may have neutral drop-off and pick-up spots and only reach out to each other when it’s necessary. While this may seem extreme, taking potential arguments out of the picture can be beneficial to your children.
Therapy for stress management
Even with a solid parenting plan in place, coping with a narcissistic co-parent can be stressful and detrimental to your self-esteem. It may be helpful to talk through your challenges with a licensed therapist, who may help you learn stress management techniques.
Consider family or individual therapy for your child
A therapist may also help you set strong boundaries, learn how to prioritize your own needs, and improve your communication skills. Your child’s self-esteem may also be affected by spending time with their other parent; you may want to consider either family therapy or individual therapy for them, as well.
Online therapy
Online therapy is often a good option for those who can't find therapy in their area or find it challenging to attend face-to-face therapy. For parents with busy schedules, being able to attend therapy sessions from their own home at a time that fits into their existing routine can be highly beneficial.
Effectiveness of online therapy
Research shows that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy for treating a variety of mental health disorders and concerns. If you’re experiencing challenges related to interacting with a co-parent who has NPD, online therapy may be a valid treatment option for you.
Takeaway
What does a narcissistic parent look like?
Narcissistic abuse from parents can take on a number of guises. Some narcissist parents live vicariously through their children, using them to fulfil their own dreams. Others may marginalize or manipulate their children in an attempt to boost their own self-esteem. Very often parents use manipulation tactics like gaslighting, guilt, and rage to control their children.
Does a narcissist cry?
Narcissistic people are self-serving and often lack empathy, but they do have emotions and are capable of tears. However, the source of the feelings that prompt crying may look different. For example, a narcissist may not cry out of feelings for others, but rather from embarrassment or feeling sorry for themselves.
What are the five main habits of a narcissist?
Five main signs of a person that a person with NPD may demonstrate include:
- An inflated sense of self-importance
- A constant craving for validation
- Poor empathy
- A lack of accountability
- Struggles with intimacy
Does a narcissist ever change?
A narcissist can be capable of change, but it is rare for them to do so due to the traits inherent in this condition. Narcissists are classically avoidant of self-reflection, and see themselves alternately as perfect, and a victim of circumstance. If a narcissist recognizes a need for change and puts in real and ongoing effort with a therapist they can change, but the chance of this happening is very uncommon.
Can a narcissist truly love someone?
A narcissist can be capable of love, but often their motivations are different. Their relationships often lack mutuality, and they will love based on their own best interest. Narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so there can be people with more or less severe challenges, but in general a narcissist is not going to offer the kind of unconditional love that a healthy parent might bring to a child’s life.
How do narcissistic fathers treat their sons?
A narcissist father can behave toward his son in a number of toxic ways. They may harshly punish free expression to exert control, devalue them, try to separate them from other relationships, gaslight them, or infantilize them.
What are the signs of a narcissistic mother?
A narcissist mother can use a number of unhealthy tactics to control their child. They may adultify or infantilize them, gaslight their sense of reality, use them to fulfill their own dreams,
What's it like to be married to a narcissist?
Being married to a narcissist often means feeling ignored, unloved, and unheard. A narcissist is typically superficially charming, sweeping a person off of their feet with love-bombing tactics. They then will attempt to manipulate their partner with tactics like the silent treatment, constant criticism, or angry outbursts. By the time the victim realizes that their partner doesn’t respect them, and that their feelings don’t matter to them, they are often already caught in a cycle of abuse that is hard to break.
One tactic that may be effective against manipulative behavior is called the grey rock method. This is when you stay calm and do not respond to the other person’s histrionics. A person with an NPD wants nothing more than for the other person to respond to their behavior. By remaining uninteresting and unresponsive, you take away that power and render yourself boring to them. While this may be helpful in the short term for detaching from a situation, remaining in an abusive relationship is not sustainable for good mental health.
Can you successfully co-parent with a narcissist?
Narcissistic co-parenting can lead to a number of challenges, especially when connected to a high-conflict divorce (which is almost always the case for these relationships). A narcissistic parent ex will crave control, taking advantage of any sign of kindness (which they will see as weakness). Personal attacks are common, as well as invasions of space as the ex tries to insert themselves further into the parent and kid’s life, often angling for access to special events, and encroaching on their time together. They may also try to create conflict between the safe parent and child, as well as friends and other family members by lying or spreading rumors.
This is why co-parenting is not ideal in this situation, rather setting up a parallel parenting model where there is minimal contact between exes. If your ex-partner is a narcissist, your best bet is to set firm boundaries and deal with communication through lawyers. A legal agreement should be put in place about parenting time and how to share children. Keeping the relationship as a business relationship with a bare minimum of contact (even with regards to phone calls) with a toxic ex is the best tactic to take from the moment you decide to divorce and into the long run. Bill Eddy, a therapist and lawyer, is an expert who has written extensively to bridge the gap between psychology and legal framework for people and explain what to expect from high conflict individuals.
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