Impact Of Divorce On Children: Why Getting A Divorce Doesn’t Make You A “Bad” Parent

Divorce statistics suggest that roughly 50% of married couples in the United States get divorced. Children cope with divorce differently and experience different emotions surrounding divorce. However, divorce is not inherently wrong and doesn't make you a "bad" parent for your children. In some cases, divorce is the healthiest option, and you may have reached that conclusion for your marriage. 

As a parent, it can be normal to want to mitigate potential adverse impacts on your children as much as possible. Still, children with divorced parents can thrive, and although it is a life shift that can come with challenges, it is not an isolated experience. Having the proper support and guidance from caregivers and support teams can make a significant difference for children of divorce.

Methods of supporting your children through divorce

While supporting your children, remember that divorce is not shameful. More experts are dispelling the myth that couples "should stay together for the kids," and there are cases where staying with someone for your children may do more harm.  

Families come in all different shapes and sizes, including but not limited to single-parent families, nuclear families, and stepfamilies. Regardless of your family type, separation or divorce can be a transition, and each child may have a unique reaction. 

How divorce is handled, and other factors in children's lives can significantly affect mental and physical health outcomes. A robust support system, including family, friends, and professionals, can be essential for you and your children, as well as the following tips. 

Provide stability

It can be essential for divorced parents to refrain from speaking unkindly about each other in front of the children or putting any child in the middle of a conflict. Let your children know that you love and care for them and are still their parents.

Keep conversations about legal matters and other serious issues between the adults in the family. One of the effects of divorce on children is destabilization. If children are put in the middle, it can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, and resentment. Children are often too young to understand marital conflict and legal matters. 

Allow them to express their feelings

Let your children openly express their feelings and address them accordingly. In addition, don't wait for them to come to you. Open the conversation immediately and often, reminding them you're there to address questions and support them as they cope with the changes.

If your child comes to you of their own volition, validate their emotions. Whether they're experiencing sadness, anger, or worry about the future, let them know you understand that their emotions make sense. In addition, use your insight into their emotions to support them and meet their needs. 

Address details unique to your family

Additionally, there are times when a child may have encountered volatility or abuse in the household before the divorce. These unique circumstances might cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) to develop. 

Therapy has been proven effective for those coping with trauma and is highly encouraged if this is the case or if your child is struggling with divorce or traumatic transitions afterward. At times, the needs of a child may not be noticed or addressed immediately due to the stress of divorce on caregivers. In these cases, a therapist can offer supplementary professional care. 

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat.

If you're a teen or child experiencing or witnessing abuse from a family member or caregiver, contact the Child Help Hotline at 1-800-422-4453 or use the online chat feature.

How therapy can support your child or teen

Research shows that therapy is highly effective for children and teens facing mental health conditions, stressors, or life transitions, including divorce. It can help a child or teen through the adjustment period, provide children with coping skills and tools for healthy emotional expression, and explain divorce in a way that makes sense to them. Children often go through a disruption in daily routines and lifestyle when a marriage ends, and a therapist can support them in coming to terms with these transitions and the emotions resulting. 

Some children might experience serious psychological effects from divorce, including risky physical activity, diminished academic performance, anxiety, depression, or aggressive behavior with a new parent or living situation. At times, a child or teen might have a therapist communicate with parents or request that a parent accompany them to a session if they are struggling to communicate. 

Note that therapy for kids is catered to kids. How therapy is conducted can depend on the age of the children. Play therapy is a standard option for younger children under 12. It encourages emotional expression and is a well-researched option for children facing several challenges, including divorce. Teens might try forms of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or trauma-informed therapy modalities with a therapist, similar to an adult, but structured around their unique needs. 

How therapy can support divorcing couples

Spending time in divorce counseling may be advantageous for you and the person you're separating from. In divorce therapy, you can discuss emotions and decisions related to child custody, parenting after divorce, communication, or new relationships. 

You might also try one-on-one therapy if you're not open to discussing divorce with your ex-partner. Divorce can also cause significant transitions for adults, such as a new role as a co-parent or single parent or less time with your children. 

Taking care of yourself can benefit your children as much as it benefits you. Children are often emotionally intuitive, and the stress of divorce is high for adults. Caring for your mental and physical health allows you to be a healthy parent. With a therapist, you can work on reducing stress, having a place to talk through concerns, and finding advice for parenting.

How to find support 

Going through a divorce is often challenging and stressful, but you don't have to go through it alone. The effects of divorce on children can vary. Whether you're coping with matters related to divorce or parenting, support for the entire family is available. 

To find a therapist for you or your children, you can search the web for a counselor or therapist near you, ask your doctor for a referral, contact your insurance company to see who they cover, or sign up for a reputable online platform like BetterHelp (for adults) or TeenCounseling (for teens). Online providers on these platforms are licensed, and online therapy is often more affordable than traditional in-person services without insurance. 

In addition, online therapy for children and adults has been proven as effective as in-person options. One study found that parents who attended therapy online had an increased ability to control and respond flexibly to challenging situations emotionally. Another study found that online therapy was effective for families experiencing challenging life events and stress-related mental health concerns.