Gendered Double Standards In Parenting: Strategies For Fairness

Double standards in parenting are typically rooted in traditional notions of gender, family, and other cultural and social norms. Over time, these standards can impact the mental health of people who are subject to them. Below, we’ll describe what double standards in parenting can look like, plus five strategies that may help empower people who experience their effects to create more equity in their family relationships.

What are gendered double standards in parenting?

As a standalone concept, a double standard is a rule or principle applied unfairly in different ways to different people or groups. Double standards in parenting in particular may be applied to parenting roles or parent/caregiver expectations of their children, depending on the context. In the scope of this article, we’ll primarily be discussing double standards in parenting roles.

In addition to gender identity, a person’s upbringing, religion, and culture can influence the attitudes they develop and the pressures they face in relation to dating, sex, premarital cohabitation, and other lifestyle-based concepts that may later influence their parenting style. 

Some other examples of common, gender-based double standards in parenting among opposite-sex parents include things like:

• Fathers watching their children alone is referred to as “babysitting”

• Mothers are expected to perform the bulk of the household labor, even if they also work outside the home

• Mothers are expected to do the bulk of the family’s social labor, from arranging playdates and vacations to forming family friendships

• Differing standards for beauty and appearance between fathers and mothers

• Changing tables for infants often only being found in public restrooms intended for those who identify as women and not public restrooms intended for those who identify as men

Potential effects of gender on parenting: Double standards and inequities

Gender roles can impact parents and their children in many ways, which may result in double standards and other inequities. Just some of the common ways gender identity and gender roles may impact parenting include the following.

Uneven distribution of household chores

In traditional, heterosexual parenting models, the male partner typically maintained a full-time job while the female partner was primarily responsible for raising the children and taking care of most or all household tasks (grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, emotional support, etc.). This model is still pervasive today. Even women in opposite-sex partnerships who work part- or full-time outside the home are often still expected to handle the majority of the domestic labor. As a Gallup poll from 2020 reports, “In households where married or partnered mothers and fathers both work full time, the wives are more likely than their husbands to take the lead” on household tasks.

Stigmatization of people without children

Historically, parenthood has generally been viewed as a “biological instinct” and a socially praised decision for women, which stands in contrast to traditional and even modern societal views on this topic for men. Because of this framework, those who identify as women and choose to be child-free may experience more stigmatization and judgment than those who identify as men and make the same decision.

Unrealistic expectations 

When a woman becomes a mother, she may face high expectations to be conventionally “attractive,” return to her “pre-pregnancy” body, and conform to other beauty ideals. While women are expected to remain “fit” or thin and beautiful as parents or risk judgment, men are often given societal permission or even praise for having a “dad bod,” a colloquial term referring to what predominant standards would categorize as a “less-fit” body type. That said, the “dad bod” and other body categorizations can also be harmful to or weaponized against men in some other contexts. Across genders, these portrayals can complicate parents’ relationships with their bodies, food intake, exercise, and self-esteem.

It’s important to note that trans and non-binary birthing parents may also face these in addition to many other unique challenges that pertain to pregnancy and appearance standards—not to mention systemic barriers to parental healthcare and related difficulties.

Different approaches to parenting

According to a 2023 report on parenting by the Pew Research Center, mothers are more likely to describe themselves as overprotective and inclined to “give in” to their children’s desires. Fathers are more likely to say they give too much freedom to their children, but also that they’re more likely to report being too inflexible with their demands or rules. These self-reported behaviors can be linked to traditional gender roles prescribed by society.

Overall health 

Parenting can affect a person’s mental and physical health, with gender norms potentially adding strain. In the 2023 Pew Research report cited above, mothers were more likely to report feeling tired, stressed, and worried about a host of parenting-related concerns. For example, nearly half of the mothers surveyed (46%) said they were extremely or very worried about their children experiencing anxiety or depression at some point compared to 32% of fathers. 

Since non-male parents are often expected to engage in more or most of the emotional labor in a family, they may be more at risk for mental health challenges like stress and anxiety. Physical health problems can be more likely to affect women in opposite-sex couples too, since they’re often tasked with more household labor and, as such, busier schedules. This can make it difficult to find time for their own self-care or healthy habits.

Parenting fairly: Five strategies to consider gendered double standards in parenting

For many parents, achieving fairness in parenting can be a delicate balance of give and take. The following five strategies for fairness can help parents work toward this balance and adjust unfair double standards. 

Make a list of household responsibilities

If you’d like to distribute household tasks more evenly with your partner or co-parent, some experts recommend making a complete list of every chore and errand in your household. In addition to basic duties like cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping, the list may also include important but less visible tasks like arranging playdates, making medical appointments for the children, buying birthday presents and planning parties, and shopping for new clothes for the kids.

Once you’ve compiled the list, discuss each duty with your partner and determine who typically completes each task. It may be surprising to realize the volume of work one parent routinely does. By reviewing and honestly discussing this information, you may be able to establish clearer expectations of each parent’s responsibilities as well as your children’s chores and other contributions. 

Acknowledge double standards when you encounter them

Many double standards are perpetuated by people outside of a family making comments. Pointing out these unfair comments may help the person saying them understand why they’re problematic and stop making them. For example, calling mothers who also work outside the home “working moms” but calling fathers who also work just “dads” is an example of a double standard perpetuated by language. Referring to a male partner who works as a “working dad” or both partners as “parents who also work outside the home” could help highlight this. Pushing back on such comments may help gradually create change in social thinking around these topics.

Create a shared calendar or “family plan”

A “family plan” can refer to an informal document or calendar system parents and caregivers can use to organize their chores and life events. In the context of a discussion on double standards, it can help ensure that responsibilities are more evenly divided. It can be more than just a calendar listing soccer games and piano recitals; instead, it may also include both daily and longer-term responsibilities such as chores, medical appointments, family vacations, and more. Sitting down to write out these plans and events and then divvy up the labor according to schedules and energy levels can help parents reconnect, plan ahead, and identify and remedy any uneven distribution of family responsibilities. 

Be mindful of behaviors and attitudes you’re modeling

Kids look to their parents and other adults for support and direction from an early age. They tend to absorb what they see modeled and internalize it as the right way to do things. That’s why being mindful of what you’re showing your children in regard to the division of household labor, gender roles for parents, and similar topics can be powerful. Helping change the way the next generation thinks about these equality-related issues through leading by example can be a powerful way to make an impact.

Consult a therapist for family advice and support

While some families may be able to address double standards in their own lives by communicating more clearly with each other, others may benefit from more personalized strategies and support. A licensed therapist can act as a helpful resource in devising such strategies and helping individuals shift perspectives on traditional expectations to achieve greater and more equitable balance in their relationships. They can also help their clients sharpen communication skills and work on other skills that may improve their partnerships.

While both in-person and online therapy can be powerful tools, an increasing number of clients are now choosing online therapy due to the convenience it offers. It can allow people to attend sessions without the need for travel, which can be particularly beneficial for busy parents. Engaging in therapy online can also be more affordable than in-person meetings, as it typically eliminates expenses associated with transportation and reduces the overhead costs providers must pay and incorporate into their rates.

Researchers have been examining the effectiveness of online therapy in recent years, largely finding that it can be highly effective in addressing a variety of mental health concerns and challenges. For example, the results of one 2020 psychosocial group intervention for parents suggest that attending therapy online can help reduce the symptoms of depression and anxiety in caregivers and may also improve their adaptive coping strategies. For parents who are experiencing stress related to double standards, unequal distribution of responsibilities, relationship challenges, or simply the daily stressors of running a household or raising a family, online therapy can represent a viable option for seeking emotional support.