“I Regret Having Kids”: Parental Regret, Mental Health, & The Desire To Be Child-Free

Most parents experience moments of frustration or overwhelm as part of the journey of raising children. Some parents, however, have persistent feelings of regret, and they may question whether parenthood was the right choice for them. Parental regret is deeply stigmatized and isn't typically discussed openly, but it’s a real phenomenon that often causes severe distress. Here, we’ll explore why some people might experience parental regret, its emotional and mental health implications, and ways parents can find support. 

“I regret having kids”: understanding parental regret

The term “parental regret” refers to the sadness or remorse a parent may experience around having made the decision to have children. The reasons why people experience such feelings are usually highly personal and complex, ranging from financial hardship to a loss of autonomy to mental health challenges. For some parents, the feelings are temporary; for others, they may linger. 

Because it’s such an underreported experience, parental regret has often been considered rare. However, newer research reveals that it may be more common than many assume, with some studies estimating that between 5% and 14% of parents regret having children. Note, however, that many people who experience parental regret still deeply love their own children and are dedicated parents. The regret they feel is often associated with other factors like the pressure to have children, the stress of parenthood, or the role's impact on their identity. 

Why people don’t talk about parental regret  

Parental regret is often considered taboo, involving a strong fear of judgment and criticism. Many cultures endorse a societal narrative of parenthood as an overwhelmingly positive experience, which can silence those who regret it. Societal stigma also contributes to a widespread belief that regretting children is a character flaw, deterring people from speaking openly about their feelings. Some people don't discuss regret because of an internal conflict between personal emotions and parental responsibility. Additionally, parents might hide how they feel and avoid addressing it to protect their child's emotional well-being. 

The role of external pressure in having children

While not everyone is interested in having children, the pressure to have kids can still come from many sources. Cultural expectations can play a role, as many societies view having children as a key marker of success. Pressure can also come from an individual’s own parents and extended family, or in the form of strict gender expectations—such as pressuring women to reproduce because their “biological clock is ticking.” Media portrayals and how people talk about traditional family life as the ideal may also reinforce the idea that having children is necessary for happiness. 

Regardless, the pressure to have children can create feelings of guilt or stress for those who choose not to. This can be particularly true for women, who are often painted as “bad people” if they never wanted children or don’t enjoy other people’s kids. They may also be called bad mothers if they regret having their own children. When individuals who aren’t fully committed to having children succumb to such pressures, they may experience feelings of regret as parents. 

Potential causes of parental regret and the desire to be child-free

In addition to societal pressure, people may experience regret over having children for several reasons. Some feel a painful loss of identity and autonomy after they have children—including bodily autonomy. Parents may mourn the loss of freedom and independence that comes with no longer being child-free—especially when they must make career sacrifices and lifestyle changes to accommodate caring for children.

The pressures of raising a child can also strain relationships. In some cases, parents experience social isolation while raising kids, particularly with babies and very young children. Both challenges can lead to parental regret for some people. 

When a child has special needs or significant behavioral challenges, parents may also encounter feelings of overwhelm and inadequacy if they're unprepared to handle the extra stress. Unmet expectations of parenthood may also lead to parental regret. When the reality of raising a child differs significantly from the ideal picture an individual has in mind, it can cause disappointment, frustration, and the feeling that one is "trapped." 

Cultural and societal ideals about people’s kids and family lives may play a role in unmet expectations of parenthood, as can ideals put forth by familial influences. A lack of support from partners, financial strain, and single-parenting stress may also play a role in parental regret in some cases. 

The possible relationship between mental health, trauma, and parental regret

While parental regret isn’t necessarily caused directly by mental illness, some research points to the potential for a bidirectional relationship between the two. For example, one mixed-methods study compared the perspectives of parents who regretted having children to the perspectives of those who did not. They found that the regretting parents  had experienced “more severe childhood abuse and neglect” and had more mental health challenges. Postpartum depression is also frequently associated with parental regret.

Conversely, individuals experiencing parental neglect without underlying mental health challenges may live with persistent emotional distress that puts them at a higher risk for developing conditions like anxiety and depression. Individuals with mental health conditions often face stigma and judgment, as do people who regret having children. When a person experiences both, it can be extremely harmful to their well-being, particularly if the individual doesn’t have a nonjudgmental support system or someone empathetic to talk to about their feelings.

The emotional and mental health impacts of parental regret 

Parental regret can have significant emotional and mental health consequences. These may vary depending on the severity of the regret, the support system available, and how the parent copes with their feelings. Examples of the potential consequences include:

• Shame and guilt. Parents often report feeling shame and guilt for regretting the decision to have one or two kids or more. They might feel they're failing the children, their partner, or their extended family. This can lead to significant emotional distress and, in some cases, self-loathing.
• Anxiety and depression. Parents experiencing regret might feel persistent anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness about their role as caregivers. This effect can create a cycle in which anxiety and depression cause regret, which then contributes to deeper anxiety and depression. The disconnect between societal expectations and a parent's personal feelings can intensify these emotions.  
• Emotional detachment. Some regretful parents may emotionally "numb" themselves to cope. They may love and value their children, but the complex inner conflict between loving the child and regretting parenthood might make it difficult to express their feelings. This dynamic may sometimes be misconstrued as detachment and a lack of feeling towards the child. 
• Frustration and resentment. Some parents might feel trapped in their role. This can lead to frustration or resentment towards themselves, their children, and/or their partner(s). This emotional response to parental regret may also contribute to feelings of guilt and shame. 

The stress of raising children

In a 2023 American Psychological Association (APA) survey, parents reported high stress levels compared to non-parents (33% compared with 20%, respectively)—mainly because of steep work and child caregiving demands. The survey's findings prompted a surgeon general’s advisory calling for changes in policy and cultural norms associated with parenting that contribute to such elevated stress levels. 

In some cases, individuals experiencing parental regret may be more affected by this stress than some other parents. The ongoing demands of parenting combined with feelings of regret could contribute to even more chronic stress and burnout. 

Coping strategies for parents who regret having kids

If you are a parent experiencing regret about having children, there are coping strategies you may use to manage the related psychological and emotional challenges. Examples include but aren’t limited to the following.

Express your feelings about the desire to be child-free

A strong support system can play a critical role in helping parents cope with feelings of parental regret by providing a safe space to express emotions. A supportive partner and trusted friends and family may be able to offer emotional support and perspective. Talking with other parents who share similar experiences can also bring a sense of validation for regretful parents, potentially reducing feelings of isolation and shame associated with such regrets. 

Re-evaluate expectations and reframe perspectives

Communicating openly about your feelings may serve to remind you that parenting is not always perfect, and that some of the setbacks you experience are likely shared by other parents—including feelings of regret. You might also focus on being "good enough" rather than striving for an unrealistic ideal of what a good mother, father, or parent “should” be. 

You may also find it helpful to change your focus and perspective on parenting. For example, while accepting feelings of regret is usually necessary to cope with them, they don't have to be the focus. When spending time with your child, you might internally acknowledge regret but actively try to find and appreciate moments of joy and connection, too. Shifting your focus may also encourage a rediscovery of personal identity alongside your role as a caregiver.  

Tips for strengthening emotional well-being

The guilt and shame often associated with regret might make a person think they’re a “bad person” or a “bad parent.”  Not only are such thoughts probably untrue, but they’re also often damaging to an individual’s mental health. It may take time and effort, but it can be possible to cultivate better self-compassion and acceptance, strengthen emotional well-being, and effectively cope with distressing emotions when they arise. 

Self-care strategies for coping if you feel like “I regret having kids”

Allowing yourself to feel regret is often the first step in coping with it. You might try to accept that you're feeling regret and allow yourself to process those emotions. In addition to confiding in trusted friends, family, or a therapist, journaling about your thoughts and feelings can be a productive way to process this experience.

In addition, you might dedicate time to activities that bring you relaxation and happiness. Engaging in activities like meditation, deep breathing exercises, and yoga could also help cultivate mindfulness and reduce anxiety related to parental regret. 

Caring for your physical health can also be integral to supporting your mental health. For example, exercise can be a great way to release tension and improve your overall mood. Adequate sleep may also be critical for managing stress and improving emotional regulation. 

The potential benefits of talking to a mental health professional

Speaking with a mental health professional about parental regret may offer significant benefits. A therapist can often help validate and normalize difficult feelings, assuring you that parental regret isn't uncommon and that it's okay to feel this way. Therapy also provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore complex emotions, understand the root causes of the regret, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. By working towards acceptance, you may also improve your connection with your child, even if you still experience regret. 

Removing barriers to therapy for parents

For many reasons, some people experiencing parental regret hesitate to reach out for help. Some individuals may feel reluctant to address it due to stigma, fearing judgment and rejection. Others might have fears about addressing the intense emotions associated with parental regret. Still others may assume therapy won’t work for them, instead opting to try coping with their feelings on their own with the hope that they’ll eventually subside. 

In cases such as these, online therapy may be a more convenient way to get help overcoming doubt and begin the process of healing. People fearing stigma may feel more comfortable speaking to a therapist from home via phone, video, or online chat than in an office setting. Some also feel safer exploring distressing emotions such as guilt, shame, and regret with a therapist from the comfort of home. 

Many studies suggest that internet-delivered therapy—particularly methods used to address distressing thoughts and emotions like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)—can often be just as effective as conventional, in-person treatment. For example, a recent meta-analysis published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal (CMAJ) reviewed 54 randomly controlled trials measuring the effectiveness of therapist-guided CBT for various mental health challenges. The findings suggest "little to no difference in the effectiveness of in-person and therapist-guided remote CBT across a range of mental health and somatic disorders.”

Takeaway

No matter how many kids you have, parental regret doesn’t define a parent’s love, and it isn’t sure to ruin a child’s life. Starting an honest conversation with trusted individuals about this complex issue may help foster greater understanding, reduce stigma, and provide support for those who may be coping with such painful emotions alone. If you’re experiencing parental regret, help is available. A mental health professional may be able to help you find balance and self-acceptance.