Raising Teenagers: A Guide To Navigating The Teen Years
My teenager hates me: now what?
As your child grows into a teen, they may begin to find their individuality, and your relationship with them could start changing. At times, it may seem as though the child you once connected with no longer enjoys being near you or having conversations. These changes can feel challenging; it can be hard to cope with emotional outbursts or changes in respect. Additionally, if your teenager says, "I hate you," you might not know what to do.
The biology of teenagers
During adolescence, a child begins to develop into an adult following puberty. Teenagers will typically undergo various bodily changes and experience rapid development in their brains. This can lead to changes in a teen’s appearance, mood, personality, and behavior.
How teenagers develop socially
There are a few ways children experience social development during adolescence, including the following:
- Forming a social and personal identity
- Finding a sense of self and committing to an identity
- Exploring and testing limits
- Becoming autonomous
The above changes can be a biological reaction following puberty and may result in teenagers pushing their parents away as they discover their personalities. This behavior might enable them to understand where they fit in school and the world.
Talking about their feelings and adolescence with a mental health professional might help your teen feel more confident and independent. Advocating for your teen's mental health might also help you show love while respecting their autonomy.
Navigating the teen years
Many adolescents go through a process of becoming autonomous individuals during adolescence, which may result in behavior like:
- Arguing
- Moodiness
- Pushes for independence
- Angry or irritable outbursts
These behaviors may make it challenging to connect with your teenager, but it might help to note that they are not wrong and may still be learning conversational skills and how to express themselves at this age. If a teen says, "I hate you," they may be at a loss for words while experiencing a biological urge to find autonomy and independence. They might feel angry or stressed and not know how to express these emotions. Parents may experience these challenges with children of any gender, and different aspects of the child's identity may present unique dynamics. For instance, for parents of a teenage son, societal norms and expectations surrounding men's emotional expression may play a role, with some research suggesting that boys are often taught a narrower range of emotions and are more often viewed as angry.
You can't necessarily stop your child from experiencing their teenage years, but you may be able to adjust your communication skills to connect with them. Try the following techniques:
- Use humor: Humor might not be appropriate for every situation, but parents can use it to diffuse challenging conversations. Studies show that laughter can reduce stress.
- Don't yell back: It may feel tempting to shout or respond with harsh words if your teen lashes out with the word hate. However, instead of reciprocating behavior, acknowledging your hurt could be more productive before giving both of you time to process the situation.
- Be yourself: Be yourself, keep an open mind, and find times to chat when your teen is receptive.
- See their side: You may not always see eye-to-eye with your teen. However, it might help to remember how adolescence felt for you and note that your teen may be struggling.
- Find common ground: Finding something you have in common with your teenager could help you connect; it might be sports, a TV show, or another activity you both enjoy.
- Be there for them: Many teens hate forced conversations. However, continue to let them know you're available when they want to talk and let them start some conversations.
How to communicate intentionally with your teen
You might find it challenging to communicate with your child when they become a teenager, regardless of how healthy your relationship was previously. Teens may seem closed-off, secretive, or hard to understand, and you might find yourself taking it personally. However, adolescence and the behavioral changes that come with it could be temporary and a part of development. There are several ways to improve communication with your teen, including the following.
Actively listen
Your teen may appreciate it if you listen instead of offering advice or trying to fix a situation immediately. You might want to lecture your teen or explain a topic they don't understand, and that can be natural. However, teens may also want to feel validated and heard. Listening more could prevent you from jumping to conclusions about your teen's behavior. It might also help to tell them the three words all children want to hear-- I love you.
Relate to their experiences
You may remember stories from when you were a teen. It could be about learning a lesson, getting in trouble for something, or a fun school event. Teens might feel like their parents don't understand their perspective, but relating to them based on a past story could be beneficial.
Suggest, don't command
Often, teens may do what they want regardless of what their parents say and rebel if they feel ordered around. Try to offer advice instead of enforcing that you know better unless your teen is in harm's way.
Get to know your children
Most parents may feel they know their children well. However, there could be aspects of a teen's personality that they hide from their parents. How well do you know your teenager's hobbies, interests, and daily life? If you don’t know them as well as you think, this may get in the way of having a healthy relationship with your teen. You might ask them about their opinions on specific topics their friends, or their life in general. Be sure to listen to their answers without always talking about your opinions.
Be clear
Children may respond well to clear expectations, so consider providing consistency in your reactions and rules. If they do not understand a rule, explain it to them and try not to become defensive. As they grow older, it is important to consider that they are not kids anymore and that they need a mature relationship dynamic in their lives for guidance.
Mental health support for parents with teen children
Hearing "I hate you" from your child may feel challenging for many other parents. Consider setting aside time to take care of yourself as you navigate parenting through the teen years. If you feel like you are being treated like a punching bag, it is important to consider seeking assistance and an outlet for your feelings.
Working with a therapist may help you process your emotions and reframe experiences with your family, which could allow you to handle your teen's outbursts with less frustration.
Navigating the teen years with online therapy
If you struggle to find time for yourself, online therapy might benefit you. You can connect with a counselor through a platform like BetterHelp, which offers connections to various professionals. Additionally, if your teen is receptive to the idea, platforms like TeenCounseling offer services for those aged 13 to 19. Through the platform, you can connect your teen with a uniquely qualified professional online with parental or guardian permission.
Is online therapy an effective form of mental health care?
Research shows that online therapy is as effective as face-to-face therapy and often offers increased convenience. In addition, you can schedule sessions from any device with an internet connection. You may choose between phone, video, and live chat sessions when meeting with your therapist. Online therapy may also help parents who want to learn new strategies to connect with their teens, as it has been shown to improve family functioning.
Takeaway
How do you cope when your son hates you?
Dealing with a perceived feeling of hate from your teenage son can be a difficult situation to experience. In order to cope, the best course of action is often to take a step back and observe the current situation in an objective manner. If you and your son have recently had a disagreement, try to determine whether you were disrespectful or unfair during the conflict. If you did not explain a rule ahead of time, gave a harsh punishment for a small infraction, insulted him or someone he cares about, belittled one of his passions, or were clearly in the wrong in some other way, it is usually best to admit fault and apologize.
If you are thinking “I believe my teenage son hates me,” but are struggling to understand what the cause could be, it may be best to bring the issue to a third-party. This can be someone you trust to give you an objective opinion, or a professional, such as a family counselor or therapist.
What happens when a child hates a parent?
A child who hates their mother or father may cut off ties with them, leading to estrangement. Estrangement, which often involves a complete lack of contact between a child and parent, can be caused by a number of situations. In some cases, child or teen hate may result from abuse or neglect. If you believe this is occurring, it is essential to seek support immediately and get your child out of the abusive situation if possible. In other cases, your child may be experiencing a personality disorder, they may have been manipulated into hating one parent by another family member. Talk to your child about these situations; this may help you better understand where their feelings are coming from.
What to do if your son resents you?
If your son resents you, it is often best to find the source of this resentment. One common cause can be disrespect. If you have recently displayed disrespectful behavior towards your son, it's usually best to open a dialogue and address your son’s feelings. Actively listen to how your actions affected him. From there, you can acknowledge your mistake and apologize. After that, it may be best to talk about how you can make amends and discuss ways to have a better relationship moving forward.
If your child has expressed a strong dislike for you, and you don’t believe you have displayed any abusive behavior that you can acknowledge and change, coping can be a difficult process. You may feel the need to grieve the loss of the parent-child relationship, tell your experience with loved ones, or seek out the support of a mental healthcare professional.
Why do children reject a parent?
Children can reject their parents for a number of reasons. Some may seem more justified, while others may appear irrational or unfair. These reasons can include:
- Abuse or Neglect: Children who experience physical abuse, emotional abuse, or neglect can experience numerous long-term consequences and may be more likely to reject their parents.
- Influence from Other Family Members: In some cases, the other parent or another family member may intentionally damage the relationship between a rejected parent and their child. This can be done by insulting the rejected parent, taking credit for the support, falsely accusing them of abuse, and numerous other reputation-damaging tactics.
- Temporary Conflict or Natural Rebellion: A parent may be rejected for a temporary period of time due to a conflict or the natural occurrence of teenage rebellion. Hormonal changes during puberty can affect an adolescent’s mood, which may lead them to defy or ignore their parents in an effort to establish their independence or identity.
- Environmental or Medical Changes: If an adolescent is experiencing academic, romantic, social, or work-related challenges, they may direct their feelings towards a parent and reject them. It is also possible for a mental or physical illness to affect a child’s personality and behavior. If you believe this is the case, it's important to reach out to a healthcare provider or mental health professional for support.
When kids reject a parent?
Kids can reject a parent at any time, though it's possible that rejection may occur more often during the adolescent teen years. In some cases, kids and adolescents reject their parents to establish their own identity or independence. As teens enter the challenging years surrounding puberty, they may begin to question the authority and guidance of their parents. This can involve testing the boundaries set for them, particularly if they believe they are unfair. If the guidelines you establish for your kids are not created in a way that respects their desire for respect or more freedom, they may reject you in order to feel in control.
Is it normal for teenagers to dislike their parents?
In many cases, it can be normal for an adolescent to dislike their parents. In many cases, this dislike is part of a temporary phase driven by hormonal changes, a desire for independence, and situations unrelated to you or your child’s home life. Of course, feeling like your teen hates you can be a challenging situation to experience, especially if you feel as though you’ve done nothing wrong. Maintain open communication with your child and see if there is a root problem that can be addressed. If there isn’t, and you find yourself struggling to cope with these feelings of dislike, it may be helpful to reach out to a mental health professional for support.
Why does my son reject me?
Children may reject their parents for many reasons, ranging from abuse to natural hormonal changes. If you feel rejected by your son, have a conversation with them and actively listen to their thoughts and feelings. It’s possible that this perceived rejection is related to problems at school, a recent breakup, disagreements with siblings, or other causes that have little to do with you. They may also be upset with an action or behavior you have recently engaged in. In these cases, it can be important not to act defensively or allow your emotions to guide serious conversations. It is usually more helpful to approach your son calmly and respectfully, address the previous conflict, and focus on solutions instead of explanations or excuses.
What are the keys to navigating the teen years?
While every parent-child relationship is unique, there are several healthy ways that you can ensure your teen feels understood.
- Praise your teen’s accomplishments and achievements
- Show an interest in their passions and interests
- Actively listen to them and ensure they understand that their concerns matter
- Give them space when they need it, being mindful of over affection or ‘helicopter’ behavior
- Plan activities that allow you to spend quality time with your teen
If you find that getting your teen’s love and affection is difficult, it may also be helpful to seek out the support of a family therapist or other mental health professional.
Why is my son angry at me?
There are a variety of reasons that your son may be angry at you, including:
- Incompatible Parenting Styles: Research has shown that certain parenting styles, like authoritarian and permissive parenting, can result in negative and aggressive behavior in children. An uninvolved parenting style can also cause aggression due to a lack of care, attention, or basic support.
- Frustration with Boundaries: As your son enters adolescence, he is likely grappling with a growing desire for freedom and individual identity. Forcing your son to adhere to restrictive boundaries and rules may cause him to rebel against you, which may manifest as anger.
- Mental Health Conditions: Certain mental health conditions and disorders may cause your son to display anger or aggressive behavior, including oppositional defiant disorder, disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, and conduct disorder. If you believe your son is experiencing these or any other mental health condition, it may be best to seek the support of a mental health professional.
Why is my child angry and disrespectful?
In some cases, a certain level of anger or disrespect is a natural part of the transition from childhood to adolescence and teenagerhood. Teens are undergoing a difficult process during this time known as puberty; as hormones like estrogen and testosterone are released in their body, they can experience mood swings that may affect your relationship with them. In addition, your teen may be dealing with a variety of other issues in their academic and social life. In order to cope, they may ‘take out’ these frustrations on you.
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