Why Do I Feel Like I Hate My Kids? Navigating Parenting

Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia, LCSW
Updated October 17, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that could be triggering to the reader. Please see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

It can be hard to admit, but sometimes parents feel like they hate their own kids. If you find yourself thinking, “I hate my kids,” it is important to understand that these feelings are a normal sign of overwhelm or frustration and are usually temporary, but they can be powerful and intense. If you experience these feelings at times, it may help to understand the source of these emotions so that you can better cope with them and focus on nurturing relationships with your kids.

Whether you’re a mother or father, you might feel guilty or think that you’re a bad parent for how you feel. However, addressing this concern might be considered a sign of strength that means you are brave enough to face your emotions and understand why they're arising.

Below, we’ll examine the possible sources of any potential negative emotions you’re experiencing as a parent and look at possible ways to reduce the intensity of your feelings.

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Possible reasons for negative emotions toward your kids

Child rearing can be a rewarding and fulfilling experience, but it can also present significant challenges. Sometimes, negative emotions, like hate, toward your kids can creep in when raising them and that's common. It may help to acknowledge these emotions without judgment and try to work through them in a healthy way. Below are some possible explanations for negative emotions, like hate, that parents sometimes feel toward their kids.

Parental stress potentially causing you to think "I hate my kids"

Stress and burnout are sometimes the cause of feeling like you hate your kids. Chronic stress can have a debilitating effect on your health, worsening negative feelings like hate and potentially reducing your ability to cope. As fatigue and frustration build up, it can be challenging to put aside feelings of hate or anger and focus on being the parent to your kids that you want to be. If you are stressed, it’s possible you may feel like a terrible parent for feeling as though you hate your kid. You may feel that you hate being a mom, dad, or other kind of parent, or feel as if you dislike your kid for putting you through this kind of stress. Please keep in mind that addressing the root of your stress may alleviate these feelings, and that thinking "I hate my kid" does not automatically make you a bad parent.

High expectations

Parents often have high expectations and feel that there are societal pressures that they have to live up to. They want to be the best parents they can be while juggling other responsibilities. A lack of time and resources to meet expectations can lead parents to the point of being overly critical and impatient with their kids. These expectations, when not honestly dealt with, can sometimes create resentment, guilt, hate, and a lack of motivation or enthusiasm when it comes to parenting.

Childhood behavioral challenges and how a kid acts in different developmental phases

The behavioral challenges of kids, particularly during what some parents might call “the annoying age” (though each parent has a unique perspective on the most annoying age of kids), can also contribute to feelings of frustration, hate, and anger. Reacting to a tantrum or managing your kid’s behavior and defiance can feel like a never-ending cycle and leave you feeling overwhelmed at times, even when you love your kids.

Additionally, developmental stages can have a significant impact on parent-child interactions. As kids grow and change, parents may have to adapt their parenting styles to the needs of their kids. You may have to adjust the way you deal with how your kid acts at various points. The constant transitioning is normal, but it can be exhausting, leaving parents feeling angry, potentially hateful, or like they’re not doing an adequate job even when they’re doing the best they can.

Mental health concerns or past trauma of parents

The effects of any past trauma experienced by a parent can also influence parent-child relationships, as a severe traumatic event may be the most psychologically damaging thing that can affect your interpersonal relationships. If you experienced abuse, severe hate, or neglect as a kid, it might be challenging for you to connect with your kids at times, sometimes making you openly acknowledge your struggle to spend quality time with your kids. Recent research indicates childhood maltreatment can affect adaptive parental behavior. The dysregulation a person experiences may negatively affect their behavior, leading them to feel hatred or act in ways that may be harmful to their kids. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
These challenges can be common among parents, and you are not alone. There are numerous ways to receive support, including through support groups and online therapy with a mental health professional who has experience helping adults gently heal from trauma experienced as a kid. Understanding your feelings and working through them may help you become a better mom and dad and create a healthy connection with your kids. This process can take time, but it’s often worth it.

Recognizing and processing your emotions when you feel you hate children

The culture we live in can influence our perceptions of what a "perfect" family looks like, creating unrealistic expectations and leading to feelings of inadequacy. In addition, the pressure to meet these idealized standards can lead to frustration and self-criticism, thereby preventing us from recognizing our parental strengths and achievements.

It may help to take a step back and recognize your emotions. Identifying the triggers for negative emotions like hate might help you understand how to manage them better. Triggers are typically events or situations that evoke certain emotions. Being mindful of the things, people, and conditions that can trigger such feelings of hate might help you recognize when they arise and take steps to cope.

You may feel like it’s wrong to express negative emotions, like hate, around your kids, but validating them may help to reduce their intensity and prevent them from developing into more significant challenges. It may help you to hear other parents’ perspectives so that you do not feel as alone in these reactions regarding your kids. Acknowledging that an emotion exists, even hate, can make it easier to find a solution.

How do you know when something is becoming unmanageable?

Paying regular attention to your feelings and being honest with yourself about their nature might make it easier to recognize when they are escalating. If you're feeling overwhelmed or thinking that a situation is too much to handle, it may be useful to take a break and step away from parenting for a bit. Taking a moment to breathe and observe your emotions without judgment might help you feel calmer and more prepared to handle the situation.

Practice self-care to assist with parenting

You might find that a simple act of self-care can go a long way toward preserving your emotional well-being. Taking time for yourself may help you manage stress from daily life and remain focused on the positive aspects of parenting—including your particular strengths as a parent. Practicing relaxation techniques like meditating, deep breathing, or even walking can help calm your mind and body.

While parenting can sometimes be difficult, the growth and development that individuals experience as parents can be enriching. It’s normal and common to make mistakes and feel inadequate—many people do. However, by prioritizing your emotional well-being, you may find that you can skillfully handle your emotions and be the parent you want to be.

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Building a stronger relationship with your child

Building a stronger parent-kid relationship is an endeavor that can take time and effort. This bond can provide a sense of joy and fulfillment for both parent and kid, but you might wonder how to cultivate it and allow it to flourish.

Be realistic with your expectations and such feelings of stress

Setting realistic expectations for yourself and your kids in the same way you approach other aspects of life may be a great place to start. Parenting sometimes involves trade-offs, so it may help to not expect too much from yourself or your kid. Having reasonable expectations might help you manage stress levels and make progress toward goals without being too hard on yourself or your kid.

Set boundaries to try and avoid feeling as though you hate children

Establishing and maintaining boundaries may also be helpful. When boundaries are consistently enforced, they can help foster trust and respect between parents and their kids. Setting boundaries often requires parents to remain calm and use a soft tone to show their children they’re approachable and open to discussion. Still, parents may want to assess the child’s perspective and the context of their actions. Taking the whole situation into account, parents can maintain honesty and a willingness to spend time helping their child realize the importance of boundaries.

Maintain open lines of communication with your child

Good parents know the importance of communication and open communication between parents and their kids can be another component of building a strong relationship. Encouraging conversations about complex topics might provide an outlet for kids to express their feelings. Also, practicing empathy and understanding in your communication may help your kid feel more supported and connected.

Seeking support with parenting

Parenting isn't always easy, and sometimes, it might help to enlist the help of a counselor. Whether you need a listening ear or require additional support, you might find that therapy provides guidance while helping you grow as a parent and as a person. If you don’t have time to travel to a therapist’s office, you might consider online therapy, which numerous studies have shown to be effective. Online therapy can provide a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore and process your thoughts and feelings while learning better strategies to manage stress as a parent. 

With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can connect with a licensed therapist via audio or video chat at a time that works for you. Also, you can contact them day or night via in-app messaging, and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can.

Cognitive behavioral therapy for navigating parent-child relationships

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a form of psychotherapy often utilized in online therapy sessions, has been demonstrated to be effective for a variety of challenges. CBT often involves recognizing and challenging distorted thought patterns, which may help reduce anxiety, resolve conflicts, and build resilience. The core principles of CBT tend to focus on the importance of challenging negative thoughts to improve emotional control, relationships, and overall mental health. As you develop these skills, you may find that you experience more positive thoughts and belief in your ability as a parent.

Takeaway

If you sometimes experience a sense of overwhelm or even feel like you hate your kids, you are not alone. Many parents experience these feelings, and online therapy may provide you with new tools and strategies to manage your stress level and foster a more fulfilling relationship with your kids. With BetterHelp, you can be matched with a licensed therapist who has experience helping people navigate the emotional challenges of parenting. Take the first step toward getting help with your emotions as a parent and reach out to BetterHelp today. 

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